Forever Grey
by Soft Ragoo
Summary: Edward Cullen lives a fantasy life, changing as his family moves along, yet never entirely changing. He's seeking something new and exciting; something worth living for. He finds what he least expected, and it changes him forever. Mature readers please!
1. Chapter 1

_**Disclaimer for this chapter and all to follow: The characters Stephenie Meyers created intrigue me just as much, sometimes more than, her story. They creep into my imagination and do crazy things. Always fun to imagine in various scenarios and a blast to create new fiction with different versions of each character. This is another of such creations. The characters represented in the following chapters, along with the general theme, belong to SM. Ever grateful for her imagination and ability to draw us into the world of Cullens.**_

**Unlike my first published story (Breakable - The Truth Hurts), with all human characters and different coupling, this one is closer to the Twilight theme. All characters are human/non-human, as they are in the series. My story follows Edward (because he's so fun to write!) as he tries to break free of the monotonous life he's led. The best way to do that? We all know what will convince Edward life isn't always so dreary but when the girl he's waited for his life over turns out to be more trouble than he'd ever imagined, he must decide whether to move on, alone, or stand beside her to face her problems. My leads are darker and far more troubled than the originals. This story is intended for readers 18+ for language, violence, mature themes and there's always a risk of slipping on a lemon. **

**Please join me inside the thoughts of Edward...**

_**Forever Grey**_

Seated in the noisy cafeteria, I stared blankly at the poster-filled wall. I'd already read the abundance of flyers advertising the numerous clubs available to sociable, peppy students. Numerous times. None are of interest as I'm not one of those students.

The self-promoting, colourful posters screaming _'CHOOSE ME!'_ in various fonts and hues for the upcoming student election, I simply find sickening. I'd seen more than enough of these elections to know it didn't matter who won. It's a popularity contest. Nothing more. Not one of these people have an intelligent thought in their head anyway.

If only people knew that Damien wants their vote so he can coax funding for the football team to go to the Nationals in Montreal. Laurie has her eye on the young male teacher who works with the students on the council. Dave just wants to get laid. And what's her name, the girl who does the newspaper; she wants more authority to turn the school entirely eco-friendly. At least she's not entirely selfish or depraved. She'll get my vote. If I bother.

I exhaled with force trying to distract myself from the noise and static settling back in. I'd effectively shut it out moments ago, but it was back. The joys of reading minds. I don't want to. It just happens. I can, with great effort and ultimate concentration, tune out for short times. I'm happiest then. If that's what happy is. I don't remember to be honest.

The thoughts come to me as static noise - no other way to describe it, really. Everyone's 'voice' mixes with others and until I focus in on just one, it's simply an annoying drone. A constant drone, at lunch especially. Unable to bear any more for today, I stood to leave, drawing the attention of my 'sister' and her boyfriend. Alice smiled and squeezed my hand briefly. I didn't need to tell her I was going to the car for a reprieve. She already knew.

Alice is my twin sister. Her boyfriend, Jasper, lives with our family after being orphaned by a horrible accident claiming both his parents two years prior. Sailing mishap on an anniversary getaway. Tragic.

And entirely untrue.

It's a similar story to mine and Alice's. Our parents were lost in a fire, many years ago. Gosh, I barely remember them. The Cullens, our parents' good good friends, took us in as they'd cared for us since birth and were better equipped to take in twins than any family member. So kind and generous.

Also untrue.

Alice is not my twin, though she is very much like a sister to me. And Jasper, a brother. The part about them being boyfriend/girlfriend, well that's true. Also that the Cullens are our kind surrogate parents. Very much true. They are far too young in standard years to be our true parents however, thus the elaborate stories behind our adoptions.

I almost made it to my BMW without anyone in particular's thoughts invading my own. We'd been in this dreary little Canadian town for a month now and people had already learned to ignore us. Good. Because if someone thinks of me, it's as if they're screaming my name and then I can't help but listen in. Like I said, I don't want to. As I also said, I 'almost' made it free and clear. As it happened, parked beside mine was a beat-up Honda containing two students on a make-out session. I must have caught the guy's attention because their pawing halted and I was hit with:

_'What a dick! Guy thinks he's so cool with that car his daddy bought him. You're not cool, asshole. You're just a freak.' _

Yep. I'm a dick because I have a nice car. Whatever. Troglodyte. I would agree with the freak part, however.

Ignoring them as best I could, I climbed in behind the wheel, starting it up to listen to some music. The girl's thoughts hit me.

_'Yum. Wouldn't mind that for lunch. Too bad he's such a snob.'_

Yep. A dick and a snob too. Smiling to myself, I couldn't resist peeking over. Her eyes shot away from mine and I laughed aloud. If only she knew...I wouldn't mind her for lunch either.

My name is Edward Cullen. And I am a vampire.


	2. Chapter 2 Teenagers

_**Teenagers  
**__**  
**__They're gonna clean up your look  
__With all the lies in the books  
__To make a citizen out of you..._

"How was your day honey?" Esme, my 'mother' asked as I stormed through the door.

"Same," I grumbled.

"Thirsty? You're in a bad mood today."

Sighing, I stopped before retreating to my room. "Sorry Esme. It's just...it's always the same. Different places, but always the same. Same classes, same lessons, same boring people with different names and faces. All the same. Always."

Esme came over and gave me a comforting hug. "Poor Edward." She was sincere in her sympathy. "I know it's difficult honey. We have to try to fit in though."

"I know, I know. I'll cope." I flashed a grin at her. "Can't promise to always be happy about it though."

I heard her silent words of pity. _'Poor, poor Edward. If only he could find someone, just for him.'_

"Don't," I warned.

_'You'll be much happier!'_

"Just don't." I left her before it could go on. Esme, the truly eternal romantic. She had such a strong love for Carlisle, my 'father', she just can't see how I could do without that same kind of love in my life. They'd tried to find me a life mate already, to no avail. As much as I adored Esme, and knew she only did this because of her great love for me, I wished she'd stop. I am as I should be. Alone.

Jasper and Alice followed me up the stairs. They were now in the room beside mine and needed privacy. Trying my best to oblige, I put headphones on and cranked the music hoping to drown out everything. It was times like this that the loneliness kicked in for me. Knowing the almost rabid love the two couples I share a house with have for each other, it's difficult to ignore my own frustrating needs when I'm not able to completely block them out. The intensity in which they show their love for each other does not make it easy for me. Vampires are fantastic lovers. Apparently.

Outwardly, I'm 17. Now, a 17-year-old virgin is not unheard of. I've been a 17-year-old virgin, however, for some 90 years. Painfully frustrating at times.

Contemplating relieving said frustration myself, Alice's thoughts suddenly burst through. No, she can't read minds like I can. I'm unique that way. She can, however, see things coming up. Being close, Alice and I, she was more than sensitive to my future endeavors. Extremely embarrassing when she sees I'm about to fly solo. Scrap that then. Not in the mood now.

They continued on, myself forgotten, with greater force. The CDs on my wall rattled. I banged on the wall with my fist, growling, "Easy!"

_'Sorry!'_ their minds called out and then went back to satisfying each other. I had to find a new distraction. Quickly.

Grabbing my keys, I dashed down the stairs with such speed the paintings on the wall moved on their hooks. "Going out Mom!" I called to Esme.

"Okay honey. Have fun. Call if you're going to be late!"

I smiled. Esme worries so much. Mostly about me. Not wanting to cause her any worry, I always tried to let her know where I was. Impossible at the moment however, as I didn't know where I was headed myself. Maybe Alice knew, I smirked as I tore out of the driveway.

Pushing the car's engine to the max still wasn't enough of a diversion for me. Vampires love speed almost as much as sex. I used the speed of the Z4 as a dual vice; diversion from my own sexual frustration and to physically get as far away from Alice and Jasper as possible. The further a person is from me, the harder it is for me to 'hear' them. Alice is the exception - I pick her up more readily than anyone else, just as she could see my future better than she could see most others'. I was miles and miles away before she faded from me.

Feeling somewhat more relieved, I eased up on the gas to drive at a more human speed. I was nearing a town anyway and I didn't want to risk injuring anyone. Certainly not with my car. I took in the various shops as I cruised along, one in particular catching my eye. Circling the block, I found a place to park and went back to explore. A music shop was just the thing to distract me.

Living the number of years I had - alone, as I was and had been - I'd developed a love for many things. Literature, art, film...all great things to keep me occupied, but nothing held my focus as much as music did. Listening, playing, composing...all part of my life, daily.

I ran my icy fingertips over a beautiful Steinway Grand just inside the door. The salesman dashed over immediately seeing a teenager toying with his most expensive piece.

"Do you play?" he inquired, positioning himself between it and me.

"A bit." I smiled at him politely and nodded at his prized possession. "This is quite beautiful."

"Perhaps you'd care to try one of these?" His hand swept across the showroom to the less expensive pianos. I caught a glimpse of myself through his mind's eye and was startled. I scared him. Not only the normal fear that humans instinctively had when around us, but my cover persona scared him shitless. I'd forgotten that I hadn't ditched the look I'd used for our previous ruse. I guess I did appear to be a threat. I intended to use his fear to my advantage...for amusement.

Smug smile is place, I strolled over and took a seat at one before flexing my fingers. "I'll give it a shot." Sheet music for a simple Bach piece was set out so I pretended to look it over. No need, really. There wasn't a classical piece I couldn't play from memory. My fingers flew over the keys, playing flawlessly. The salesman reddened, showing his awareness that he'd misread me. Good. He was of the mind that all teens were ignorant punks, regardless if they were well-groomed or had piercings and dyed their hair.

I smiled as I finished playing. "Very nice. Thank you for letting me try it."

"Are you interested in purchasing one?"_ 'Maybe this one...'_He turned my attention back to the original. Fuck. The enticing thought of money overweighed his fear. That backfired. I'd have to toy with him some other way.

Laughing, I stood and shook my head. "No no. Not a piano, thank you. I'll just have a look around if you don't mind." My manners, Esme would be impressed with, I thought. Showing off? Not so much. And hoping to frighten him? A definite no-no.

I wandered down the length of the shop, admiring the various instruments. I should learn one of those, I thought to myself. Piano held my heart, but learning to play something new would be a perfect distraction. I didn't even have to think about piano when I played.

A stringed instrument...perhaps a violin or cello? I loved the deep throaty sound the cello emitted.

_'Wonder if he plays guitar too?'_ The random thought came into my head. Not mine. Whose? I glanced around and spotted a tiny, dark-haired girl, about the same size as Alice, attempting to reach a guitar hanging above her head.

"May I?" I asked as I reached for the one she had in mind.

"Thanks," she said shyly. "It's a bit over my head."

"In arms-length for you...in practice for me," I smiled as I passed it to her.

"You don't play? I heard you on the piano. That was amazing and I don't even like that music. You should totally learn."

"I was thinking of it," I admitted. "What do you recommend? For a novice?"

"I'd recommend an acoustic for a young man with an ear for classical, such as yourself," the salesman jumped in. Ah...back again.

"I'm actually looking for something new. Different."

"I've got this one Bart."

I grinned with amusement as the dark little waif turned bold and he stomped off. She scared him. "Do you work here?"

"Well, he doesn't pay me, so technically no."

The girl had some nerve. I liked that. "Tell you what, I know nothing about this so I'll leave it in your capable hands to select something for me here while I get Bart to set me up with an acoustic."

_'He thinks I'm stupid. Whatever dude. Take Bart's lame acoustic and go play your classical shit.'_

Trying hard not to laugh, I turned back to her. "Get whatever else I need for your pick as well. Cords, amplifier, whatever. I know nothing."

_'Both? He's getting both? And he can't even play. Holy shit, his parents must be loaded.'_

Similar thoughts came from Bart when I presented my credit card to pay for 2 guitars and their required accessories and various books.

"Mr Cullen?"

"Yes?"

"Is this your father's card?" _'Who did you steal this from?'_

"No, it's mine. See?" I pulled out my driver's licence to prove it was legit. "My father got both my sister and I cards...you can call him to verify if you'd like." I made a show of pulling out my cell phone and pulled Carlisle's cell number up. "He's at work. Hospital." I held it out for him to take.

Completely flustered, he refused the phone and hastily rang up my sale. This was the usual reaction I got from people. What's this girl's story? She doesn't seem affected at all. Strange.

_'He's leaving! I should say something.'_

Better not to, I thought back. Remembering my manners, I felt I should at least acknowledge her before I left. "Hey, thanks for all your help," I called as I considered how to get all my newly acquired diversions to my car with two humans watching me closely.

"Here, let me help you. Where did you park?"

"Not far. Don't bother yourself. I'll make two trips.

"It's fine," she insisted, picking up a case in one hand and the amp in the other.

"At least leave me with the heavy stuff!" I laughed.

"I can manage. But whatever. It's your shit."

Bart did not approve of her language, nor her punkish appearance.

"You've got a great sales staff here." I feigned innocence. "Don't let her get away."

"She doesn't work here!" he retorted stiffly.

"My mistake. She should." I flashed my grin. "Enjoy your evening."

"I couldn't resist," I explained once we were on the sidewalk. "Guy's got a stick up his ass when it comes to teenagers." Truthfully, I did as well. I detested them and their silly, annoying, never-ending thoughts.

"Tell me." She rolled her eyes. "He cringes when he sees me walk in."

"You're there often?"

"Um...pretty much always!" she laughed. She had a cute laugh. Not an annoying giggle like the girls at school. "Drives him nuts!"

I smiled at her. "My car's just over there."

She whistled when she saw the shiny black Beamer. "Dad's got some money huh?"

I shrugged. "He likes us to have nice things."

"Yeah, it's...nice."

Having loaded the car, I was anxious to get home and start learning but this girl didn't seem ready to leave. "So what's your name, by the way?"

"Grey."

She was lying. "With an 'e'."

"How'd you know?" Her eyes flashed up at me.

"Lucky guess," I smirked. "Well, thanks Grey with an 'e', again. Edward Cullen. Good to meet you." I got in the car quickly to give her the hint.

"See ya around maybe." She stood on the sidewalk, hands deep in her pockets. Trying very hard to be casual.

"Yeah. Maybe." I drove off before I could hear anymore of her thoughts. She was far too interested. It wasn't safe for her to think like that. Stupid teenager.

_They say that teenagers scare  
__The living shit out of me  
__They could care less  
__As long as someone'll bleed_

_So darken your clothes  
__Or strike a violent pose  
__Maybe they'll leave you alone  
__But not me..._

_(My Chemical Romance)_


	3. Chapter 3 Given Up

_**Given Up**_

_Stuck in my head again  
__Feels like I'll never leave this place  
__There's no escape  
__I'm my own worst enemy..._

Esme beamed at my new purchases. "This will be great for you! But you're not giving up piano, are you?"

My biggest fan. "Don't worry," I said, giving her a big hug. "I'll still play for you anytime. Just ask."

_'Or think.'_ She laughed with a wink.

"Either one," I smiled back.

I don't think I've mentioned that vampires don't sleep. Ever. So when they're not doing that thing I mentioned that they do extremely well, or distracting oneself from said thing, as in my case, it leaves a lot of time to learn new things. With the two couples I lived with going at it all night, my fingers quickly found their place on the fretboard. I was through the first book and onto simplistic songs by sun-up. Sun! That meant staying indoors all day. Wonderful! I took full advantage of my free time, thoroughly enjoying this type of education. It was new. Different. Exciting.

Jasper came into my room some time near dusk. "Edward?" He knocked lightly then poked his head in the door. Knocking was unnecessary since I heard his intention to come see me before he was even outside my door, but he did so as a courtesy. Much the same as how I would block their intimate thoughts, he never presumed I'd grant him entry simply because I knew he was coming. "Alice and I are going hunting. Wanna come?"

"Thanks, but no. I want to get this bit figured out."

"Suit yourself, but Alice says we're home again tomorrow. You'll have lots of time." Trying his best to persuade me, he failed.

"Great. Thanks. Have fun," I mumbled absent-mindedly as I ran together the complicated riff I'd been working on. And then I was left alone with my new obsession, and loving it. It was near dawn before I was disturbed again.

"Hey, sounds good. You're a quick study, always have been." Carlisle leaned casually against the door frame as he said his words of praise. A corner of my mouth may have twitched into a slight grin as I continued strumming. "I'm going for a run, why don't you come along? We haven't had much time together lately. Not since we've moved."

"Thanks. Another time?"

"Edward, you need to feed," he warned bluntly. "I know you've got good endurance, but it's been over a week for you and that's getting risky. Come on...we won't take long."

Knowing there was no point in arguing with Carlisle, I relented. He was right. He was always right.

Well...almost always.

We ran to a wooded area not far away, yet far enough from civilization to not risk being seen. There were lots of deer so I felt certain it would be a very quick hunt which suited me perfectly. The quicker I could get it done with, the better. Preparing myself to pounce on the next one to approach, I caught the scent of a different creature. Definitely not a deer. This was never something I enjoyed...the tracking and chasing of a kill. It disgusted me and yet it was necessary. Normally I preferred hunting solo because I was alone in my distaste for this activity. The others in my coven loved everything about it. They challenged each other, took bets on disturbing things like quickest kill, longest chase, fastest draining. They had fun with the necessary bit of ugliness that was our reality. I still felt guilty before, during and after every meal. I had no right to take a life. Any life.

"Son, it's necessary." As if Carlisle knew my inner turmoil, he was beside me. "In human life, you were not a vegetarian. Animals were taken, and you were fed. This is the same thing."

I nodded sullenly. Carlisle's eyes suddenly darkened as his thirst piqued when he caught the scent he was after. He muttered an apology and fled, leaving me to my own dreaded hunt. I crouched down by a fallen tree, my normal stance to wait for prey to come to me. That new scent filled my nostrils once more and this time, I allowed the animal in me to emerge. Breathing it in as deeply as I could, I let the desire fill me. The need. The raging thirst...and I pounced. The beast was down before he knew he should flee. This was my thing. Kill them quickly so they didn't feel the terror of dying; of being a monster's prey. Once I had him, an insatiable thirst filled me and I released a low growl as I sank my teeth into his neck. Ahhhhh...so warm... I drank my fill and then some, hating to not take full advantage of the life I'd taken for myself. The blood was cooling and I was overfilled, the raging desire had left my body. Taking my mouth away, I breathed heavily as I looked over my prey. My sacrifice. I said a prayer for his soul. I could do that for this creature, as he most likely had a soul. I, myself, did not.

Wiping my mouth, I walked slowly towards Carlisle. He smiled with empathy.

"You did well. That will keep your thirst at bay for a good long while." He glanced over at the carcass. "Moose huh? I believe that was your first. How did you find it?"

"Disgusting," I grumbled. I heard his silent chuckle and saw his stifled smirk. "Stronger tasting than deer, but not as harsh as bear. It's got a nice long neck. Makes it easier to drink faster. It's not bad I guess."

He nodded with a gentle smile. "I agree. I think next time, I'll go for that myself. Are we walking back or running?"

I smirked at him. He didn't need the ability to read my mind for the answer to that. I'd choose running every time. It was the only thing about being a monster that I truly enjoyed. I took off with him at my heels to begin with. When we neared our property, I slowed to allow him to catch up. The sun was rising and we silently went into a walk, enjoying the bit of sunshine while we could. We had no neighbours for miles in any direction so here, we could have this indulgence now and then - never in public view. That would cause a stir and bring on the Volturi, the ancient coven who governs all other vampires. Guarding our secret lives is a sacred vow and they uphold it at all costs. I would not risk exposing any of my vampire family to enjoy more time in the sun anymore than I would take a human life.

Honestly, my feelings on the giant orb the Earth relies on were mixed. Even privately, I got anxious when my skin was exposed to it's rays. It doesn't hurt me; quite the contrary. I love how it feels on my bare skin. If I were to lay out long enough, my body would almost feel warm. I'm certain it's not warm like human skin, but to my icy touch, it's warm enough. I don't even remember what a human's skin feels like, I just know that it's very different from I despise about the sun is how it makes my skin appear. I can't bear to look at it; to see the freak I truly am. So, at times like this, I close my eyes and daydream that I'm warm. That I'm human. That maybe, just maybe, another human would touch me and I'd feel warmer still. I can't begin to imagine how good that would feel if the sun's warmth felt as good as it did.

Esme watched us sprawled on the lawn from the back window. Wearing her ever-present glowing smile, I could see the love Carlisle felt for her as he smiled back at her. I'd never have that. I loved my family, but _this_ love...it was something entirely different. Immensely happy for them, but disturbingly depressed for myself, even the sun failed to warm me.

Carlisle's voice broke into my thoughts. _'What's on your mind son? I'm at a disadvantage.'_

"Nothing," I replied. "And yet, so much."

"Is it difficult for you here? Any problems?" He spoke to me now, conducting a normal conversation; as normal as vampire conversation gets. With the speed and low volume we spoke to each other with, no human would be able to grasp what we were saying.

"Boredom."

Laughing, but with his usual kindness Carlisle teased me. "Such a teenager! When will you ever outgrow the angst?"

"Hmph!" I snorted. "Never. It's a source of more angst. 25 would have been a much better age to lose my soul, I think. I would have more options in our role playing. Going to school eternally? Blech. And the kids are so incredibly dull...and have much more angst than me, if you don't know. I'm Mr Sunshine in comparison." I flashed a crooked grin at him to let him know I was doing my best to tease him back.

He was lost in thought. Thoughts which, of course, I wanted no part of but reached me none the less. _'Sweet Edward. What have I done to you? I only wanted to save you. You were too young, too GOOD to die. Instead I've condemned you to a life you abhor. A life of utter loneliness. Deception, lies; these things were foreign to you. I know it's more difficult for you than the others. I'm sorry for that.'_

"I don't blame you Carlisle."

_'I know it's extremely difficult for you. I will never regret turning you, son. You are a joy to this family. So very special. I know that seems selfish; in part, it is. I just couldn't let you die, you had so much to offer; so much left to do.'_

I chuckled at the irony. "So much of the same left to do." I sighed heavily as his thoughts turned to pity for me. I didn't want his pity. "There's something wrong with me Carlisle. I should be used to this by now. 9 decades isn't enough to adjust to being a vampire? How long will it take? A century? More? The others... they're all fine with it. Why am I different? I don't fit in anywhere. I'm not human. I'm a horrible vampire with my distaste for blood and refusal to kill or covet. I hate lying and I feel bad cheating. I can't even be a decent Cullen because I'm a killjoy."

"You're not..."

"I know what you all think. Can't lie to this vampire," I smirked. "I'm a miserable excuse for a vampire of any sort. I know I can't be human; do human things... even if I could learn to appreciate some things about being immortal, I think I'd be happier." Would I? "Maybe not. Perhaps I'm just an unmotivated, depressing, useless teenager. Forever."

"You're more than that..."

"Am I?" I laughed heartily at that. "I'm a stone statue who walks among man. Cold, heartless, undead. Barely. Why can't I be like you? Or Emmett and Jasper? They have fun with everything. And you... you're fulfilled, I see it when you come home from the hospital. You have a purpose. I have nothing! I _am_ nothing."

_'If you were nothing, I truly would have been cursing you by bringing you into this. Edward, I saw in you something that is so rare...a pure soul.'_

I closed my eyes, wishing I could also close my mind. I had to think very hard to recall what I was like in life. Reading the journals I've kept from when I was human helped me to remember, but I don't know what it _felt _like to be Edward Anthony Masen. Maybe _he_ was pure. The creature I'd become was anything but. I almost wished Carlisle could hear my thoughts; to hear what he'd done to me, through my self-perception. He might not look at my perfect vampire form and see a hideous monster, but _I_ did. Nothing but. I hated myself more than anything else I griped about, and there was not one thing I could do about it. Still, I couldn't bring myself to vocalize my hatred for what Carlisle had turned me into. If any vampire could retain his or her soul, it was Carlisle. He was the kindest man, human or undead, that I'd ever known. I took in deep unnecessary breaths and tried to feel the sun warm my face as I struggled to think of something to say to the man I respected so much. Of anyone, his opinion meant the most to me. "I'm sorry I'm like this. It must be disappointing. And I cause you trouble everywhere we go...you don't deserve that. I'll try harder Carlisle."

"You should know I don't believe that Edward," he smirked. "You know I'm always proud of you. You mean the world to this family, just as you are."

"I'll remind you of that the next time I'm in a foul mood," I grinned.

"Right...on second thought, you can go away when you're in a foul mood." He pushed me away with a grin and thought, _'Don't you ever leave us son. No matter what.'_

"Thanks Dad," I said quietly, using the term we normally reserved for the public.

With a slight nod, he stood up and extended a glittering hand to help me up. "Glad we had this time together."

"Me too. Being stuck inside on sun days has it's perks. Oh, by the way, what is it this time? Trip? Family emergency?

He chuckled at our family joke. "Damnedest thing, the entire family came down with a flu bug. Hit us all on the same day."

"Alice says we'll be fine tomorrow."

"I'm sure she's right."

And I was sure I'd face another day of the same shit. I would try to pretend I didn't care that I was alone and miserable, but that didn't make it true. If I cared less about everything, maybe that would ease some tension.

Stone man. Stone thoughts.

_I've given up  
__I'm sick of feeling  
__Is there nothing you can say  
__Take all this away_

_I'm suffocating  
__Tell me what the fuck  
__Is wrong with me..._

_(Linkin Park)_

* * *

_A/N ~ I know this is moving along slowly, not much action yet, but getting to know Edward is essential to the story so please bear with me. __Thanks to all of those who followed me from my previous story; as always, I love to hear from you. Any comments, suggestions, bitches...let me have 'em! ;) ~ SR_


	4. Chapter 4 Level

**Level**

_My baby's on the level  
__I try to read her mind  
__She's on the straight and narrow  
__I'm guessing all the time..._

I recovered miraculously at dusk. Having spent our second 'sick' day learning what was left in my instruction books, I was anxious to get back to the music shop for more. I called out a 'goodbye' from the door before racing to my car and heading into town, in much better spirits now that I'd fed and had a new interest.

Bart greeted me with a hesitant smile when he saw me enter his shop again so soon. _'That one's back. He's just like that wretched little girl who practically lives here...only this one has money...hmm. Maybe Daddy will spring for that Steinway. I'll finally unload it...'_ "Ah, Mr Cullen! Back so soon! Wonderful to see you."

I put on a phony smile which, I hoped, kept a portion of the sneer it was to cover. "Just looking today, thank you." Dick. I walked with purpose straight past him and he actually backed away. I did enjoy this part of my vampire life...the intimidation at my will. At times like this is was especially satisfying.

Knowing exactly what I was after, I went straight to the bookrack at the back of the shop. Engrossed in the selection (well done, Bart) I almost missed the familiar scent. I'm slipping, I thought to myself as I heard:

_'Oh my god, he's back! Shit! Do I still smell like garlic? Thanks MOM! Where's my gum...'_

Smiling to myself, and giving her time to find her breath salvation, I picked up a book and casually leafed through it. "Grey with an 'e'," I said quietly without turning. "Surprised to find you here."

"How did you...oh, right. I'm always here. That was sarcasm." She rolled her eyes and smiled from behind her loose hanging hair when I looked over. She had a deep blue streak down each side today. That was new.

"You're enjoying that gum. Is it good?"

She stopped chewing. _'God, I must look like a cow! And a rude one.'_ "Want a piece?"

"Oh no, thank you. I never chew, myself."

_'Yep. A chewing COW!' _"Really? Never?"

"No. Never." No need, I laughed to myself.

"You got braces or something?"

"No." I couldn't help but let a little laugh escape.

"Oh. Well, I've got some manky breath right now, so I have to chew. My mom made pasta primavera and went wild with the garlic. Sorry if the gum isn't cutting it."

I was both amused and impressed with her candor. What girl admits that? I leaned in slightly and made a show of inhaling. I didn't have to, of course, but it looked better. "Seems fine to me."

"Seriously?" she whispered, wide-eyed.

I nodded. "Honest. Not the least bit offensive."

She gave me a skeptical smirk. "You must love garlic."

I shrugged. "I don't mind it either way." I didn't season my moose blood...perhaps I should try it next time. I was getting a real kick out of this girl.

"Well, my mom's taking this cooking course? She's going nuts in the kitchen lately. You should come over some time. She makes way too much, every night. I'm getting fat." _'Holy shit. I just asked him over for dinner. What the fuck?'_

I let her off on the embarrassing invite blurt; the other comment disturbed me. It seemed way off the mark. "You're fat? Where?" She couldn't weigh much more than 100 lbs! My smallest prey is bigger than her. I caught myself and immediately turned away. She's not PREY!

_'Was he checking me out?' _

No! I screamed in my head. Not checking you out...you're just another human. Not prey. "So...I uh...I need a different book. I think. Something more advanced. Suggestions?" We both needed to get our minds back onto something neutral. Music.

"Already?" _'Show off.'_

I flashed a coy grin. "I'm a quick study. My piano training must have helped too. I don't feel challenged enough."

"Oh. Right. Well, there are intermediate ones... or you could just skip ahead and go for song books. That might be more interesting. Can you read tabs?" _'Ha! Piano training won't help you with that! I could though...'_

I made a face at her. "I don't have to read tabs."

"Fuck. You can play by ear, can't you?"

I snickered in response as I browsed the songbook titles.

"God, I hate you...well I don't mean YOU, personally. I don't even know you. I mean that I hate people like you...envy, more than hate. You know. 'Cause I've been playing for years and I still really have to work at every new song. Note by note...over and over..."

"Play something for me." I cut off her rambling.

_'No fucking way!'_ "Oh hell no! You're probably already better than me. Or...you're bluffing. You play!" She challenged me with a coy grin of her own.

I cocked an eyebrow at her. I loved a challenge. "Tell me, what do you listen to?"

"Me? Um...I dunno...why?"

"You don't know what you listen to?" I teased. "Got your iPod on you?"

_'Stupid rich kid, assumes everyone has an iPod...' _"Yeah...what if I don't have an iPod?"

"I saw you with it last time." I didn't even have to lie. This girl was too easy.

"Oh. Right. Well, I probably listen to the same stuff you do, except the classical shit. There's none of that on mine." _'He'll laugh at the amount of emo stuff I've got. No way is he getting his hands on it.' _"What's on yours?"

Flashing a grin, I pretended to give it some deep thought. "All different stuff really. But I'm mostly into alternative right now, as you can tell." I swept my hand towards my face. Bored of always being the studious loner, we decided to give me a new personna in the last town. Alice pierced my eyebrow on a dare and when that went off without a hitch, she put a small ring through my bottom lip as well, near the side. Somehow, she talked me into darkening my hair as well. I normally didn't let her touch my hair. I left that to Jasper. He was fucking her...he could walk around with stupid-looking hair, not me. Yet here I stood, Alternative Edward. A little dark and dangerous. Always mysterious. Humans still avoided me so it wasn't so bad. I hadn't bothered to change it yet. "Linkin' Park, Killers, White Stripes, My Chemical Romance..." I rhymed off bands that were going through her mind.

"No shit," she stated, stunned.

"What have you played most this week?" I asked, challenging her to be more forthcoming.

"Um...I've been listening to The Raconteurs a lot..."

"Yeah? Awesome. Give me a week and I'll learn one of their's for you." I only needed an hour, tops, but I wanted to be more realistic.

"A week." _'This guy is unreal!'_ "Okay hot stuff. You're on. And no more skipping school so you can learn it faster."

What? My head snapped around to look at her. "Who says I skipped?"

"Well, you haven't been there since we met the other day..." _'I looked for you.'_

Of course we'd go to the same highschool. There was only one in town. "I wasn't skipping, for your information. I was sick. My whole family got it." Carlisle's ruse came into play. "Why haven't I seen you at school before?" Why hadn't I noticed her? Or heard her. I'd remember her voice. It was pleasing to my ears, not annoying like the majority of teen girls.

_'Uh, 'cause you're fucking gorgeous and could have any girl...why would you even notice me?' _"Yeah. Despite my model-like features and knock-out body, surprisingly I'm not very popular," she quipped.

I grinned at her sincerely. "You are unique, Grey with an 'e'. I'm sorry I haven't paid more attention at school now. To be honest, I try to avoid everyone, so it's not you." I didn't want to hurt her feelings. She seemed like a really decent girl. And more importantly, she didn't bullshit. "Seriously, I get the feeling people aren't so into us unique individuals..."

"Like if you don't conform to their idea of cool, you're nothing..." She added onto my remarks.

"Exactly."

"I'd rather be a freak than a phony."

I squinted my eyes, examining her with a grin. "You're not a freak," I said softly.

_'Oh fuck, he's hot when he does that...calm down. Think of something cool to say.'_ "Are you saying I'm a phony?"

"Well...in a way..._Grey with an 'e',_ you are," I taunted, drawing a deep blush in her cheeks. Oh fuck! No no no no...don't flirt! Don't make her more attracted. Don't... just don't. Do. Anything. "I should go."

Hastily, I picked up 3 books and went to find Bart. I put 3 $20's on the counter and gave a wave to Grey. As I made my way to my car, I wondered why she didn't use her real name and more importantly, how long it would be before I slipped and called her Isabella anyway. She was so candid with her other words in comparison with her thoughts, what was the big deal about the name?

The first drops of rain fell as I approached the BMW. _You were right Alice. _I sat in the car for several minutes waiting for the windows to clear. With the rain, the temperature had dropped as well. I could see just fine through the fog, but a teenager driving through town in a BMW with fogged up windows was just begging to be pulled over and ticketed. I knew that well enough. As I waited, the sky opened up. Huge drops bounced off the roof, sounding like thousands of pellets hitting it. I spotted Grey running out of the music shop, holding a plastic shopping bag on her head. It was hardly doing the trick. She was soaked already. Shit. I should back up and go the other way. Just leave. Don't get involved.

I put the car in gear and pulled away from the curb. Rolling down the passenger window, I shouted out, "So you want a ride, or would you prefer to swim?"

Grateful, she ran to the car and hopped in. "Thank you thank you thank you!" Rain dripped off her nose, even inside. "I'm soaked!"

"I noticed," I quipped with a grin, myself completely dry.

"I'm wrecking your car! Sorry!"

"It'll dry. Are you cold?" I was fine myself, but she was shivering. I turned the heat on high for her. "I should finish letting the windows clear..."

She nodded her agreement and continued shivering, holding her hands against the vent. "I wasn't expecting rain," she commented.

"Obviously. So where do you live anyway? I'll need to know where I'm going."

"It's actually not in town. You don't have to go out of your way, just drop me someplace near. If you're going north, that is."

I looked at her incredulously. "Just give me the address," I said with a chuckle. "And why don't you put some music on? Your choice."

"Oh! Can I see what you were playing last?" She picked up my iPod and burst out laughing. "You're shitting me! You had The Raconteurs on?"

She put it through the stereo and gave me directions to her house. Along the way, we discovered a few things in common. She was new to the town as well, having moved here just a month before us and we had two classes together.

I shook my head. "I can't believe we've sat in the same classes for a month and I didn't notice a girl with blue hair."

She blushed. Again. Oh no...

"I didn't have blue hair. I just did this..." She pulled up a strand to examine it. It dripped onto her lap. "...on a whim. My mother hates it. Her boyfriend even more."

I smirked. That's _why_ she did it.

"Anyway, I sit in the very back corner in Sociology so I never get called on. Talking one-on-one is fine, but standing up in front of the class making an ass of myself is terrifying. And English...well, you sit with that girl you're always with." _'The really cute one with a really cool style. I wish I could be more like...' _"She your girlfriend?"

I roared with laughter. "Alice? Uh...no. She's my sister."

"Oh!" She laughed along with me. "Well, then that would just be really weird."

"Uh, yeah."

"Sorry. I didn't mean to imply you're incestuous. You just seemed really close." She was a deeper red still.

"We are. Close, I mean. We're twins. So we have that twin connection thing..." I grinned sideways at her to ease her mind. "The other guy that's always with her, Jasper, that's her boyfriend."

"Okay...hmm. Good for her finding someone to give her the time of day so soon in this place. That's my house up there...on the right."

"Actually, he came with us. Long story."

"Tell me!" she grinned with curiosity.

I pulled into her driveway. "Um, another time Grey with an 'e'. It's really long. And if you knew the truth, you wouldn't give _me_ the time of day either." The truth, in a joke. Better than lying constantly.

"That's not true," she said earnestly.

Smiling for her again, I reached to turn the stereo down.

"No no no, wait! My favourite song's on next."

"'_Together'_?" I asked.

It was her turn to smile. "You really do know this album."

"Did you think I just magically made it appear on my iPod to impress you?" I chuckled.

"You think magic impresses a girl like me? Pfft! Please."

"What does impress you?" I asked softly, sincerely wanting to know.

_'You.'_

Fuck! Didn't want to know that.

"Honesty."

Double fuck. Not getting that here.

"You know, a 'real' person. Not faking anything. Just them, as they are. That's great."

Not fucking great. You get none of that with me. Wait...that IS great. Get out now!

"I should go," I said quietly. "My mom worries...a lot." Well, that was the truth.

_'That's so cute!'_ "Sure. Okay. Well, thanks for the ride. And sorry for dripping on your leather." She opened the door but hesitated before getting out. Why? Just go... "Um, you coming to school tomorrow?"

"Maybe," I replied without commitment. "Probably. There's an umbrella under the seat, if you want to use it." Take it and go! I didn't want to be rude but she needed to get the fuck out. I was feeling very uneasy being with her at the moment, made worse by the fact that I wasn't certain about the reason for it.

"Nah. I'll be fine. I'll run from here." She flashed me a shy grin and got out. _'Shit! That was stupid...if you'd taken his umbrella you'd have a reason to speak to him tomorrow at school. Good one, Isabella. Say you changed your mind...' _"Thanks again." She closed the door and made an attempt to run, slipping on the muddy patch in front of her porch. _'Wow, that was really graceful. You've really caught his attention now, freak.'_

I moved the car up slightly and rolled down the window. "Do you need a hand?"

She let out a laugh. "All part of my routine...I'm good. This is normal for me." She stood herself up and shook off some mud before waving me off.

The sound of her laughter echoed through my mind as I drove away. I caught myself taking several looks in the rearview mirror, watching her remove her muddy outer clothes on the porch before going inside. She had a great laugh. I wanted to hear more of it. Pulling over, just out of view, I strained to focus on her thoughts. I picked up small pockets, none of it making sense. I didn't know her well enough to read her from a distance. Not yet...

I closed my eyes and griped the steering wheel. "Don't be stupid," I warned myself aloud. "She's human. You'll hurt her. Just leave her alone..." Or would I? Could I be around her, spend time with her like a normal person and just act normal? Could I pull it off? A small grin formed on my granite face. This could be fun; a real challenge. How long could I carry it on before she realized something was wrong with me? How far could I take it? Slamming hard on the gas pedal, I tore off down the wet road without a care about speed limits or the possibility of cops around. I needed to get as far away from temptation as I could.

_How can I see the road  
__If I'm looking at the signs  
__I'm carrying a load  
__And stepping out of line..._

(_The Raconteurs)_


	5. Chapter 5 Move Away

**Move Away**

_Don't worry 'bout what might have been  
__Just tell your woman that you're sorry  
__And you jumped out of your skin  
__Listen closely to your motto..._

_'Someone made a new friend...' _Alice's thoughts and smirk met me at the door.

Rolling my eyes at her, I pushed her aside. "Don't you have anyone else to monitor?"

_'Sure, but you're the most interesting right now. She's cute!'_ Alice darted in front of me, cutting me off before I could reach the stairs.

"Yep. I'm fascinating. Can you let me go be fascinating on my own now please?"

Alice let out a giggle. _'You won't be doing so much of that from now on.'_

Cursing myself for hesitating, for even giving her an inkling of an idea that I was interested in continuing this line of communication, I turned back to her. "Doing what, exactly?"

_'Oh, just spending time locked up in your room, alone. Being grumpy. Biting my head off for having a little fun...'_

"You haven't seen my full capacity for grumpiness. Nor biting. Care to?" I retorted, humourless.

"Can you two not do this?" Jasper appeared beside me. "I hate hearing one side of a conversation. Can you be normal for a change and you talk..." He pulled Alice into his side and addressed me. "And you listen rather than read? What's going on?"

"Edward has a girlfriend!" she blurted excitedly.

"No shit?" Jasper's grin widened. "Tasted her yet?"

"No!" I barked. "NO! She's not my girlfriend. She's not even a friend...I barely know the girl..."

"You will." Alice smirked, knowingly and Jasper looked on with interest.

"Okay," I sighed, giving in. "I can see you're not going to let this go, so what do you see?"

She went into a trance-like state, opening the visions in her mind to me. It always knocked me for a loop, seeing her visions. It was different than reading her thoughts. It was like watching a silent movie. Full of colour and light, but frustrating without a soundtrack. This one was no different. Her vision showed me on a riverbank, high above the river itself. Seated beside me, Isabella. We were deep in conversation, about what, I had no clue, but we looked to be enjoying ourselves talking and laughing. Isabella looked different...softer, maybe. Her hair was lighter and she wasn't wearing the dark eye make-up. She looked natural and healthy. Very happy and...comfortable. With me? How could that be?

I swallowed an excess of venom that had filled my mouth as I admired the new Isabella. I was uncomfortable seeing this, but I watched on regardless. She started to stand, in Alice's vision, but the ground cover was slick. She slipped, lost her footing and her arms flailed about as she tried to regain her balance. I watched myself dash to her aid without hesitation. She didn't react as she should...she didn't stare in shock and horror. Didn't flinch when I grabbed her around her waist. Instead, she laughed as she wrapped her arms around my neck, her head tilted upwards as she stared into my concerned gaze. Her face drawing nearer and nearer...her fingers in my hair...her lips a mere inch from my own and she was comfortable.

"No," I muttered aloud. "No, Alice...stop it. This isn't real. That doesn't even look like her!"

"But you like it..."

"NO! Just...no."

"Edward, come on! You like her, she likes you...what's the problem?"

I stared at her incredulously. "For real? Alice, what's the problem? She's a fucking human!"

"You won't kill her." She rolled her eyes like that was a common, but ridiculous concern for a person to have.

"Seriously, when's the last time you had a human?" Jasper contributed his thoughts. "You're stronger than any of us with resisting temptation. Well, second to Carlisle. You won't kill her."

"No. I won't. Because I won't let her give me the opportunity to be tempted," I snapped before fleeing. I knew it was wrong of me to strike up a conversation with her - to encourage her to befriend me in any way. I was dangerous.

Deadly.

Lonely.

Fucking depressed.

Alice's vision played through my mind all night whilst my 'family' members satisfied their own animalistic urges. As much as the idea of it pleased me, it wasn't real. It was pure fantasy. The girl would never accept me and my...differences. And I couldn't be certain that I would resist the urges I'd already felt. Not just the urge to feed off her, but to taste her, as Jasper put it, in various ways. Plus, the idea of interacting with someone outside of my family who didn't make me want to hang myself to escape their pure stupidity, was very appealing. Isabella intrigued me. Too much so. I would have to take care of that.

Parting ways with my siblings in the morning, I endured the double math periods, idly scribbling out formulas and equations while I attempted to NOT think of seeing Isabella in my next class. Entering the Sociology class, I purposely avoided looking anywhere near the back. Instead, I rushed to my normal seat at the far side of the room seconds before the bell rang and busied myself unpacking my books before assuming my 'bored out of my mind' posture. Staring blankly ahead, I fought an internal battle between trying to block her thoughts and wanting desperately to hear more of them. They were rapid and random and as quirky as she appeared to be. I smiled, involuntarily at a few of them. When I caught her giving me a shy smile as I took my seat in front of her in English class, I put on my stone face look.

Cold.

Unfeeling.

When darkness fell, I escaped into the night on my own; wandering the unlit streets of this foreign place. Aside from the forests and the main street of town, I hadn't explored our new hometown. It seemed just as dull at night. There was no one about, causing trouble or otherwise. A dead town. Ha! A dead town which now had undead people living amongst the normies. None would be sleeping if they knew.

A scent caught my attention, and then my ears picked up the sound of soft pads on cement. Now on grass. Back to cement...a cat! Ah, at last a creature who roamed at night, just like me. Yet not. The cat caught my scent as I honed in on him. His ears flattened out and he arched his back, cowering backwards. With a wicked grin, I crouched and started making clicking noises to call him towards me. He backed away another several inches but held my gaze. I put a hand out to him and called out softly, gently, cooing to the frightened creature. He lifted one ear, flicking it around like it was a sensor of some sort. Licked his lips. I resisted the urge to lip my own. Thirst wasn't my purpose for toying with him. Slowly, gingerly, I moved slightly forward and watched for his reaction. His tail flipped, but he kept his ground so I crept forward another inch and called to him again. He eyed me as he dropped his back and just as slowly, we began inching towards me.

"Good kitty, come on! Come see me!" I cooed softly. "That's a good kitty..." He seemed to lose his hesitation briefly, moving forward at a faster pace. He was within arms reach when he suddenly stopped and hissed.

Laughing, I hissed back at him. He tore off across the street and I pursued him. He jumped onto a tree trunk and scurried up it and into the shelter of it's branches. Silly kitty. Like you could find shelter from me. I was right behind him. When he discovered that he howled and jumped down, certainly eliminating one of his nine lives. Silly, silly kitty. I followed, no life to lose, myself. He was going nuts, alternating hissing and growling as I stood and watched. Was this what I was like when I let the animal in me take over? Or was this unadulterated fear? What did fear feel like, I wondered. I could hear his heart pounding in his chest. Yes, he was definitely fearful. Yet oddly drawn to me. When I crouched and cooed once more, he started towards me again. Stupid kitty!

"Go! Get out of here while you can you stupid cat! Don't fall for my bullshit! I'd have you for an appetizer before you even knew I was coming." He sat there stupidly, still enraptured by my lure. "GO!" I hissed and pressed by body forward menacingly. He obeyed. I roared with laughter as he fled, his paws barely hitting the ground as I let him escape.

This was a game my siblings and I had played many times throughout our time together. Turn on the charm, see who could resist. Better yet, see who couldn't. Even I had to admit it was fun having this sort of power and influence sometimes. I suddenly wished Emmett was with me. He was my older brother in our current Cullen Family play. In reality, another stray that we had picked up when Carlisle changed him. Also, the only one who'd ever gotten me to really loosen up, even if it was only for brief moments. He was extra good with persuasion, able to persuade even a fellow vamp like me to join in his antics. Emmett was a riot. Always cheerful, always cracking jokes, always ready to talk me out of my own gloom. He would have had fun with me and this kitty tonight. I turned and headed away from the direction he had fled, thinking about how fortunate Emmett was to have kept a positive outlook even after he'd been changed into a monster.

Right on cue, my phone rang out and he was on the other end of the line. "How goes the monotony?"

"Same ol', same ol'," I quipped with irony.

"Ha! Not feeling it there bro? Is it horrible?"

"Fucking boring Em! You don't know how lucky you are to not have to be here."

"It's not great here either. Too many sunny days. I've got a rep as a total slacker since I rarely make it to class. See...boring for me, too. Classes, days in, more classes..."

"But at least you've got options! There's so many courses you could take in university!"

"Done everything that I want to already..."

"Still better than highschool classes! History is seriously fucking killing me this year. The texts they use are supposedly outdated...they wish! They're fiction! The shit they teach is NOT history, they've gotten almost everything wrong. I got into a debate with the teacher during the first week...he was lecturing about The Depression and got so much of it wrong. I wanted to scream at him, 'Dude! I was THERE!'. I hate this school. And the town. I was so bored, I just chased a cat up a tree!" I related my little game with the furball.

Emmett was laughing on the other end. It was a great sound, it made me feel better and at the same time, miss him more. "You need to have some fun, man. Alice says you kept your alternative look...that must go over well in a small town. Use it! Shake things up! Play with the people, man. That's what they're there for."

"Um, I think they're actually here to like, work and feed their kids and stuff..." I countered.

"They're there to feed us, actually, but that's just splitting hairs..."

"Ha-fucking-ha Em. Anyway, I can't shake things up. Esme wants us to 'mesh'. She thinks we can have a good run here...maybe 3 or 4 years before we have to move again. If I misbehave..."

"Bah! You're a rebellious teenager! What's an adopted parent to do?" He joked around, playing along with the new plot. "Truth or challenge?" he dared me. That familiar game.

"Challenge. You know I can't tell the truth." I was grinning on my end. All of us chose challenge, every time.

"I challenge you to get a person to be that kitty. Your own personal kitty Edward. Think about it."

"You want me to get a person to climb a tree?" I joked.

"Whatever you want them to do...that's the whole point. Keep me informed." He hung up, leaving me to my challenge.

I circled around the town to head home, rather than retracing my steps. Could I get a person to climb a tree? What would be the point? _'FUN!', _I could hear Emmett's voice mocking me. _'You know a lot of big words, Edward. But do you know anything about the little one called FUN?' _He must've been something as a human. A real prankster. Or just genuinely happy to be alive. Maybe I never was. Maybe, even without this devastating change, I would still feel the same.

Lonely.

Depressed.

Cold.

Unfeeling.

In essence, what I am. I hate the void of having no emotion. Correction, of showing no emotion...with the exception of anger and distaste. In the battle to restrain my natural urges, I constantly struggle with emotional balance. Seems it's either all or nothing, with the unpleasant ones coming forth daily. In truth, I don't even remember what it feels like to have other emotions. What it would feel like to sincerely care for someone...a friend, a girlfriend. Or to anticipate tomorrow and the opportunity to see that friend once more. I believe I am experiencing some level of emotion, though I can't name it, since I feel more hatred for myself since I stumbled upon this one tiny, interesting human. Yes, there is something beyond the hatred. Something unknown, but almost...almost human. The most human aspect that I've maintained is wishing I was someone else; whether or not I had that desire when I was human, I do not know. Today, however, I would rather be anyone but myself - Edward Cullen, cold-hearted boy vampire.

_Don't worry 'bout what might have been  
__Tell the jury that you're sorry  
__And you jump out of your skin  
__I wanna jump out of my skin_

_I wanna jump out of my skin  
__And watch the clouds...  
__Move away, move away, move away..._

_(The Killers)  
_


	6. Chapter 6 Wasted Time

_**Wasted Time**_

_I know all about the little games you play  
__Shakin' your apple right in front of my face  
__Only when you know that I'm beggin'  
__For a bite..._

Arriving at school on Monday, I felt the stares at my exaggerated alternative look. Taking Emmett's advice, I decided to have some fun and revisit my previous persona; re-dying my hair (black cherry, this time). Dressed entirely in black and looking extra pale, the smudged kohl Alice had applied made my golden eyes stand out. I'd made certain my thirst wouldn't be an issue as I prepared myself to make a human my personal pet. My intent was to kill the boredom, not a classmate.

I smirked as I crossed the parking lot, making note of the internal comments made as I passed by each group of otherwise braindead kids. A freak walks among them, and suddenly their minds go into overdrive. Emmett was right; this exercise would be quite amusing for me. My pet would definitely be a female. Their thoughts were more to my liking. The guys' were predominantly fear mixed with envy. I gave an extra charming grin to a few girls as I passed, but none held my gaze. They were too intimidated. This may not be as easy as I figured it would be.

It wasn't until Sociology that my choice became clear. She selected me, as every thought she had was focused on me from the moment I walked in. It was so distracting I could barely focus on what Mr Willis was telling us about the new unit of study. It had something to do with charitable efforts.

"Partner up and work out a presentation arguing the validity of popular charities." Mr Willis caused a flurry of activity with his announcement. No on wanted to be stuck with a loser. Or me.

I did catch that; opportunity. Now if only I could remember her name...

No matter, I glanced over at her, smile in place. She was already staring in my direction.

_'Oh my god! He's looking at me! Maybe he's not a snob after all. Just shy maybe? Definitely different. And hot. Soooo fucking hot! Ewww! That dweeb with the overactive sweat glands is headed over to me...no no no! I can't...I WON'T work with him... don't ask me, don't ask me...'_

"I didn't really catch what we're supposed to do, can you help me out?" I asked as I left my desk and approached her's. "I was kinda distracted." Leaning over her desk, smile in place, eyes locked on hers... I heard her pulse racing. Her thoughts were an incoherent jumble. I snickered as I bent lower, leaning on my elbows and bringing our faces nearer. "So you want to work on this together or what?"

She babbled some nonsense that seemed like an agreement, so I motioned for her to join me at my desk. As we worked through the period together, I began doubting my choice. Sure, she was game for whatever I had in mind, and she was fucking hot herself, but she annoyed the shit out of me. And it almost seemed too easy. I had wanted a challenge, that was the whole point, right? Still, I was stuck with my choice as she asked me to join her for lunch. I couldn't help but snicker at the irony - this was the girl in the other car last week. Oh yeah, baby. I'll do lunch.

* * *

It was weird, having this girl in my car. She didn't eat either, which let me off trying to explain why I wasn't eating anything, but her mouth never stopped. And her annoying thoughts were even worse. She went through several different scenarios for everything that she actually said. It took all my energy to not scream 'shut the fuck up!' and toss her out on her sexy ass. That said, she wore a very low-cut top and at the very least, I had a good visual to distract me from her nonsense. She smelled great as well.

Damn. Suddenly that became my focal point; her scent. I shifted in my seat to get a better look at her cleavage in an attempt to distract myself from the desire to sniff her. As I did, she did as well, bringing her scent nearer to me. Fuck...

"Do you want some music on?" I quickly reached for the stereo to put myself out of biting range. I didn't want to bite her...maybe just a nip. A nibble. A little taste. Fuck! Why did she have to smell so good? And why did she have to lean in such a way that I had almost full view of her tits? Was she even wearing a bra? "What do you listen to?"

"Umm, normal stuff. Got Lady Gaga?"

I cringed. "Um, no. Sorry. Why don't you find something you like besides that." I quickly moved back while she moved forward. And then she made a sudden turn towards me.

"Nah. Forget it. We probably listen to different stuff anyway."

Duh. Ya think?

"I love your piercings. The lip one especially. Did it hurt?"

I chuckled softly. "Not a bit."

"It's totally sexy. Does it get in the way?"

"In the way...of...?"

"You know, kissing and stuff."

Hmm. How the fuck would I know? I had other issues that got in the way of me even finding out what a kiss was like! Couldn't exactly relate that to her though, so instead, I put my crooked grin on and avoided a direct answer.

She took it as encouragement, her heart racing and cheeks reddening as she inched closer. Her hand rested on my chest and her eyes widened. "Wow! You're like, rock hard! You don't look really ripped, but you must work out a lot!"

Don't have to when you're built like granite, I thought before becoming caught up on the scent once more. She had pulled all of her hair over to one shoulder; the shoulder furthest away from me, leaving her neck fully exposed. Open and inviting. I looked around briefly. There was no one lurking about in the rain to hear her if she got startled and the windows had fogged up so we couldn't be seen easily. I put a hand on her waist, over her jacket so she wouldn't get the full shock of my cold hand and drew her in. Tilting my head, I sniffed up and down her neck. That alone caused her to shiver. She was tense, but in a sexual anticipation way rather than fear. She wanted me to kiss her. Instead, beginning at her collarbone, I trailed the tip of my tongue slowly up her craned neck, ending at her ear.

"Did it get it the way?" I whispered.

"Huh? What?" she mumbled, eyes closed, chest heaving.

I let out a loud laugh that did startle her. "The piercing...you were asking..."

"Oh! No! It...no...that was like...uh...you're cold."

Ah, so she did notice.

"But still hot, ya know?" She giggled to cover up her anxiety. She wanted more but was more than a little weirded out.

I got out of it by pointing out the time. Lunch period was over. And so was my seduction of...what was her name? I could get her to do anything I wanted now. No need to make myself uncomfortable any longer than I had to.

Running towards the school door to get out of the rain, a friend called out to her. "Jess! I've been looking all over for you! Come on, we're going to be late!"

Yes, that was her name...Jessica. Only her tits were memorable. And now her scent. I smiled easily at her as she glanced over at me shyly. "See you," I drawled, nibbling at the ring in my lip. It was a habit I'd picked up that seemed appropriate now that I knew it fascinated my pet.

She smiled in return, cheeks glowing red as she raced away with her friend.

"Oh my god Jess! Did you go somewhere with Cullen? He actually spoke to you?"

"Yeah!" Jessica squealed, glancing back at me once more, biting her lip. "I'll tell you all the details in Chem!"

* * *

My pet was waiting by my car after school. Alice and Jasper exchanged a look when I smirked.

"Emmett," they both called out to me.

Laughing, I nodded at them as I approached Jessica. "You're getting wet," I commented coyly. It was more than a drizzle and she looked as though she'd been waiting for some time.

_'I'm fucking soaked! Not just from the rain... God, I want that tongue on me again...'_ "That's okay! So, we didn't finish in class and we're presenting tomorrow...we should get together...?"

"Can't," I replied bluntly. "But hey, you can do the report and I'll present? Good for you?"

She nodded dumbly. Of course it was good for her. She'd be the one to present too. No chance in hell I'd get up there and recite her drivel. I'd sooner take an incomplete for the assignment.

"So where was your girlfriend today while you were off playing with the kitten?"

I shot Alice a glare in the car. "She's not my girlfriend and I have no idea where she is. I'm just trying to have a little fun, Alice. You didn't object in the last town. In fact, you participated!" I reminded her.

"Yeah, well you didn't have a girlfriend there," she snapped at me.

"I don't here either!"

"Jesus Alice, lay off him," Jasper came to my defence. "You know how quickly things can change in your visions. If it's not something he wants to pursue, let it be."

And so she did, thanks to Jasper. While I could read minds and Alice could see the future, Jasper had a gift for mood control. He often came to my rescue. Unfortunately, he worked her and not me. I was left with an unspoken wonder about where that interesting little human was today.

She was there the following day, sitting in complete silence in her back corner. If she even glanced towards me or had a thought about Jessica's pawing of me as we went over our notes that she had written, I wouldn't know. She was utterly silent. The silence was even more distracting for me than enduring constant chatter. I got annoyed with Jessica's chattering several times while I focused on 'hearing' something from the back corner. Anything at all. The silence continued.

I avoided another lunch date, claiming I had to go over my English assignment with my sister. Jessica's eyes were glued to me and mine to Isabella/Grey, whatever I was supposed to think of her as.

"Why can't you hear her?" Alice asked, as baffled as I was when I explained my distraction.

"I've no idea. But it's annoying."

"You could last week though?"

"Yeah yeah...everything. Just like normal." Normal for me.

"Weird."

"Extremely."

In English class, she arrived late. Rushing past me to her desk, her eyes didn't even drift my way. And still silence. Mid-way through class, during our work time, I turned around to address her. Maybe if we spoke directly, I'd pick her up again.

"Who's your partner for the Sociology project? Since you missed yesterday, did you get stuck with someone horrible?"

Her eyes flashed up at my voice. "No. I'm working alone." Her voice was quiet and monotone. And I got nothing more from inside.

"Seriously? That sucks! You're presenting by yourself?"

She stared at me blankly as she nodded.

"Mr Cullen! You've suddenly become chatty with your new look?" Mr Hews called out. "Eyes to the front please, and conversation after class!"

"Yes sir," I muttered and turned back to chat quietly with Alice, as we did all period, every class, undetected.

Completely unable to think about anything aside from the silence of Grey and why she avoided me when I tried to speak with her again after class, and yet again after school. It was one thing to snub me, I was used to that, but blocking me from her thoughts? How the hell did she manage that? I refused to be ignored...this was my new challenge. I went by her house after dark. There were muffled voices coming from the window that was cracked open a bit. I listened in at voices I was unfamiliar with.

"She hates it Phil. I can't make her do it anymore...look at how she is! She doesn't even speak to us!"

"Better than her lip. Look, would you rather go down the same road we've already been down? I thought you moved here with me to get her away from that shit? And so, she starts up again here and you're fine with it? You want to let her get out of control again?"

Out of control? Isabella? She seemed strong-willed and unique for sure, but nothing about her struck me as a problem child.

"I know...but she was doing better..."

"Until she finds the one freak in town...I don't even know where that kid came from!"

"She said he just gave her a drive, because it was raining. Maybe he's a nice kid."

Shit! They were talking about me! I'd gotten her in trouble? For what?

"We were right to cut it off before it's an issue. Renee...you know where this could lead. I'm not dealing with that again!"

I stepped away as I saw a light flick on in an upstairs room. In the shadow of a giant oak, I watched Grey in her window, staring out silently at the night sky. She looked void. Void of energy, thought and spirit. She seemed a mirror image of how I felt when I went into stone mode; when I forced myself not to feel. There was so much more to this human than I'd ever imagined.

Yes, this little human was vastly more interesting than the one with big tits and no brain. Much more of a challenge. She wouldn't be ignoring me for long.

_Show your face  
__Living in the shadows like you got no name  
__Enough to make a little girly go insane  
__Be my guest to let it out tonight_

_Time on me is wasted time  
__Time on me is wasted..._

_(Kings of Leon) _

* * *

_A/N ~ Tortured, brooding Edward and I appreciate your encouraging comments. :) He's about to become very focused. Keep reading! ~ SR_


	7. Chapter 7 Faint

_**Faint**_

_I am what I want you to want  
__What I want you to feel  
__But it's like no matter what I do  
__I can't convince you to just believe  
__This is real..._

It was much more of a challenge than I'd originally thought. She shot me down and shut me out consistently for the remainder of the week, frustrating me to no end. I also had to deal with the stupid kitty, my pet, my first challenge that bored me much too rapidly. Jessica was not letting up with her flirting and tried avidly to gain my attention at every chance. Her tits were frequently in my face as she'd lean over me at my desk. She had constant thoughts about my icy tongue dipping between them and how it would feel against her nipples. They would harden and pop out every time she thought of it. If I wasn't so put off by Grey's total blocking of me, I would have really enjoyed teasing this kitty.

I caught Grey watching one time Jess was pressed against me for a prolonged period. There was a hint of something...anger or disgust perhaps, briefly in her eyes. Good. Not ignoring me completely.

It was her turn to do her presentation today, solo. She stood at the front of the class, eyes downward, fidgeting nervously with the papers in her hand. Clearing her throat, she began:

"I believe the meaning of charity has been lost in today's society..."

"Speak up please!" Mr Willis called from the back of the room. "We can't hear you back here."

She looked so vulnerable as she took a deep breath and started over. Her hands were visibly shaking and her voice trembled. "I believe charity, the meaning behind it, is lost on most people. There was a time when we helped others, because it was the right thing to do. Family, neighbours, friends, took care of each other. Looked out for each other in times of need."

She looked up from her notes briefly before looking back down. Her dark eyes were shimmering. "Today, charity does not begin at home. It begins, as everything else does, as a popularity contest."

"Hey! Who are you to..." An angry classmate interrupted her speech and Mr Willis stood to quiet the burst of rebuttal. He motioned for her to continue.

Shaking harder still, she went on. "What makes one illness more devastating than another? Does one society's earthquake pale to another's tsunami? It shouldn't. All are traumatic to each person suffering, yet globally, we only care, or pretend to, when an A-lister rallies for it."

"What the hell? That just makes it more public!" Someone called out.

"Shut the hell up and let her speak!" I shouted in frustration for her.

She looked at me with watery eyes before running out. Fuck! I'd wanted to hear what she had to say.

At lunch that day, most students were driven outside due to an odour in the cafeteria. I didn't find the smell of burnt mac and cheese any more offensive than the non-burnt they served up daily but seeing as Grey vacated the building, I followed. On my tail; my pet. The one I wanted attention from chose a corner and buried her nose in a book, clearly telling me to back off. The one seriously getting on my nerves, chattered in my ear non-stop.

"You're distracted." Jessica, perched on the brick half-wall that separated the front court from the parking lot waved her hand on front of me.

"Hmmm?" I stood on the parking side of the wall beside her perch, my focus on Grey.

"See? You're not even listening!"

Oh fuck. She was whining. Please not the whine. "Of course I'm listening..." From my years of practice filtering 'voices', I am able to retain bits of conversation without even being aware. I recited her plans to go shopping and what flavour Frappuccino she would get and blah blah blah. Grey's eyes lifted from her book, briefly looking my way. Not knowing her thoughts was driving me mad! If she didn't want me around, why would she even glance over. But if she did, why didn't she behave like her old self during any of the several occasions I'd attempted to engage her in conversation? What would get her attention?

"...and I've lost you again..."

What would stop this one from whining? I changed my line of vision, directing it to her bared cleavage. It was a cold, damp day and she wore a heavy jacket, yet kept her chest bared.

"And you're back," she smiled smugly as she caught me ogling. She gave a little shimmy for my benefit. I gave her a smirk, not even about to attempt a pretense that I was doing anything but ogling.

"They look cold," I commented. "As long as they're already cold..." I licked my lips suggestively as I lowered my head. She gasped, both surprised by my actions and stunned by my icy touch as my tongue traced a line between her mounds, as she'd daydreamed about all week. There, that shut her up.

More importantly, it satisfied my frustrating desire to taste her skin to see if it matched her scent...it didn't. It actually kind of turned me off. That was good.

Most importantly, I had Grey's full attention. She stared at me intently, her already dark eyes seeming to darken even more. Better still, there was a rumble. It wasn't a clear sound to me, whatever her thoughts were at the moment, but it wasn't silence. I applauded myself, having achieved what I wanted. My own self-satisfaction almost blocked the thoughts of envy from everyone else who'd been a witness to my plea for attention. It made me even more pleased with myself. Well played Cullen.

Or was it?

Grey had left her corner and was nowhere to be seen. Or heard.

* * *

"Updates have been lacking bro." Emmett caught me on my way to stalk Grey at her house again. "Found a subject?"

"Oh yeah. Not a problem." I hadn't bothered with my car this time. It was too conspicuous parked on any of the streets nearby. It took me the same amount of time to run anyway. I was currently lounging in the oak outside her window. Lucky my phone was set to vibrate or she may have caught me.

"And... Come on! I want details! Who, what and how stacked is she?"

"How do you even know it's a she?"

A low snicker came from the other side. "As if it wouldn't be. Face it Edward, you're a chick magnet. They're all drawn to you..."

"Uh huh. He says to the virgin..." I ducked behind a large branch as her overhead light came on.

"Only because you push them to run away."

"Only because I'm revolting once they know me," I corrected him.

"So how well does this one know you?"

"She knows my tongue," I gloated. Emmett wouldn't let me off without details anyway, so I played his game. "And yeah, she's stacked."

"She returned the favour yet?"

"No!" I frowned at his intrusive question and then sighed. "No," I said more sullenly.

"What's the issue? If you got her, like you said, she'd do whatever you wanted. You know the rules."

"Yeah..."

There was a brief silence from his end. "What's the problem, really?"

"She's boring."

"Oh fuck, Edward! You're too damned cerebral for your own good! You'll never get laid if you're looking for mental stimulation from a highschool chick!"

"Mm-hmm," I mumbled my agreement. "Anyway, this wasn't about getting laid; I was having fun..."

"No better way. Trust me on that!" He let out a loud laugh and I covered the speaker on my phone to drown him out. Grey was near her window.

"Hey Em..." I spoke quietly. Not just to keep her from hearing, but because I was in serious need of advice. "You ever had someone who 'could' resist you?"

"Riiiight!" he snickered. When I didn't join in, he realized this wasn't part of the game talk. "What's the deal there dude? You wanna talk about it?"

I didn't, no. I didn't want to be so obsessed by it, but I was and so, I needed to talk. "There's this girl..."

"Not the one you licked," he surmised.

"Right. This one's different. She's interesting..."

"Interesting, how...?"

"Just in general. She's an interesting person. She's different from the others."

"And she's not into you, is that it?"

"I dunno. She was. And now...nothing. She's even blocking her thoughts from me. Seriously fucking annoying."

He chuckled softly. "Is that was she's so interesting Edward? Be honest...you do love a challenge."

"Honest? What the fuck's that?" I laughed. "I dunno...maybe. The longer she blocks me, the more angry I get about it and I can't let it go. I have to know why and more importantly, how, she blocks me."

"It's her thoughts you want? That's it?"

"I don't know. Maybe." She had turned the overhead light off. Now she stood in the window, with a muted light illuminating just one side of her. She was fascinating to look at, even if I couldn't hear her.

"Advice?"

"Please," I whispered.

"Give up the stacked lollipop and go after what's more 'you'. Simple. Rosalie's home, gotta go."

"Say hi for me." I hung up and watched Grey for the next hour. She was motionless, but for one hand twisting a strand of her long hair around her fingers. It captivated me. I wanted to feel what she felt...how did her hair feel against her skin? How would it feel against mine? I couldn't recall feeling more peaceful than simply watching her doing nothing.

Why was she ignoring me?

I think I felt hurt by her rejection. It wasn't merely curiosity and anger. There was definitely something more.

What could I do? I could be anything she wanted me to be. Vampires are the best actors in existence, because we live an act daily. Maybe she didn't like my gothic look. Maybe she liked being the only one who displayed any sort of independence and originality. I'd ask her.

I just wondered if she'd answer.

Her light came on suddenly, startling her even more than me. A woman appeared by her side; her mother? She was speaking quietly and placed something in her hand. Grey closed it into a fist and shut her eyes just as tightly. She turned to her mother and the light snapped back off.

Watching intently now, I saw Grey examining the contents in her hand before closing it up again. She opened her window and took a deep breath of the cool night air before taking a quick peek behind her. Then she dropped whatever she had been given onto the ground below, watching with the slightest grin as the rain poured down around her.

* * *

Mr Willis announced our primary project for the term the next day. We were to put on our own charity events, either solo or group effort, our choice. Jessica smiled over at me, chewing on her lip as she flipped her pencil back and forth. The motion made her jiggle, but she knew that. I looked away and started jotting down notes.

She didn't take the hint and strolled over. "Wanna do this together?"

No fucking way. "Um, actually, I think I've got this one nailed on my own. You'd be better with your usual group."

Pouting, her mind went nuts on me. Damn, she even whined in her thoughts! Eventually, she took the hint and left me alone. I hurriedly wrote down my ideas and then walked to the back corner.

"I'm sitting here now," I stated as I loomed over the boy next to Grey's desk. "You're by the window." I took his place without a response.

Grey stared at me, frozen.

"So I've got all these ideas, I wondered what your thoughts are?" Seriously, what are your thoughts? I placed my notes on her desk.

"Wow. You just came up with this?"

I nodded, trying to maintain eye contact. "So what do you think?"

She shrugged. "You'll get an 'A' for sure."

"I was thinking more of _us _getting an 'A'. Would you be interested in working together?"

She stared at me incredulously. "You have friends now. You don't have to do this..."

"I want to," I said softly.

"Why?" Her voice was soft as well, but blunt.

"Because I liked what you had to say, in your speech, and I'd like to hear more from you."

She buried her chin in her chest. "No one's interested in what I have to say."

"I am." I turned my chair to face her. "Will you consider it at least? Please?"

"Why?" she asked again, barely above a whisper.

"Because..." I chuckled and looked down myself. "Because I find you to be a very interesting person and I'd like to know you better."

That was the most honest, direct statement I ever recalled making to a human. I was as shocked to say it as she was hearing it. A small grin lifted one corner of her mouth and she nodded.

"I'll think about it."

* * *

I pulled up along side her as she trudged along in the rain. I'd parked down the street from her house very early so I'd be sure to catch her. "Hey! My car's too dry! Can you help me out?"

I got a sound resembling a cut-off giggle and she hesitated before reaching for the door handle. "Why are you here?"

"I take the scenic route every Thursday," I replied with a grin as I pulled away from the curb. "Put your seatbelt on."

She gave me a stubborn look and for a moment, I thought she'd refuse to buckle herself in. She did seem to be considering it.

"So, what have you been listening to lately?" I asked, lightening the mood. Her reply wasn't instant. I fucking hated not being able to read her!

"Um..." She had her head down, picking at her fingernails. I noticed the dark blue nail polish was chipped and her nails were bitten down to the quick. "I revisited _'The Black Parade'_."

"Hmm. Pretty gloomy selection."

She shrugged. "I thought I was done with it..."

"You've been really quiet," I commented softly. "Is something wrong?"

Her eyes turned to me. I looked back, occasionally glancing at the road to appear that I needed to. "You should concentrate on driving," she lectured.

Instead, I pulled over.

"What are you doing? We'll be late..."

"I'll get us there in time, don't worry." I leaned against my door so I could look at her straight on. "You're upset."

She seemed to get a little anxious. I caught a fluttering of jumbled thoughts, nothing I could make out. "I guess."

"With me?"

"Conceited much?" she retorted.

Despite her slam, I grinned. "Sorry."

"A little," she admitted quietly.

"Okay. Can I ask why?"

She shrugged and chewed on an almost non-existent nail. I pulled her hand away from her mouth, careful to touch only her jacket, not her hand itself.

"Grey, you've been ignoring me all week. I've been trying to talk to..."

"You lied," she stated, cutting me off.

Sure, it's what I do. "About...?"

"You said you weren't into anyone at school...that you'd rather be alone..."

"Ah. What if I told you that wasn't a lie..."

"Edward, please don't treat me like an idiot."

"I'm not. I wouldn't." I sincerely meant it. "It was a game...the whole thing with Jessica. A dare from my brother. I'm not proud of it, but it's the truth. We're essentially cruel, heartless beings. I sometimes forget that the targets of our challenges aren't."

"So...I'm another dare, right? Please be honest!"

I stared intently at her as I shook my head and cursed myself for the lie I was about to tell. "My brother doesn't even know about you."

She smirked half-heartedly. "Of course not. I'm not worth talking about. Sorry, that was really stupid of me." Her hand went back to her mouth and I fought the urge to move it again.

"You know," I said in a teasing manner. "I'm fairly certain you haven't been completely honest yourself."

Looking baffled by my statement, she took her hand away on her own. "I haven't lied to you."

"No? Really?" I grinned at her coyly. "_Grey..._"

Her cheeks flushed and she shook her head with a shy little grin.

"At least you know my name," I continued teasing. "_Grey.._."

"Okay okay!" She was giggling more now. I enjoyed the sound of it. "I get it. So we're both liars out of convenience."

"Two of a kind."

"Freaks that flock together," she quipped.

I smiled genuinely. "You're feeling better today."

Her eyes looked at me, really looked at me for the first time all week. "Yeah. I like your new hair colour. It looks great."

"So I've been listening to The Raconteurs a lot." I made a quick subject change. Though my appearance would indicate I wanted to draw attention to myself, the opposite was true. "If you're on _'The Black Parade'_, I should be learning something darker for you."

"You're seriously learning a song for me?"

"Absolutely! I keep my word...though it's going to be late. My week is up and I'm not prepared. I got distracted, sorry."

She let out a little snort. "Yeah, I can see how that happened." _'Hard to practice with your head buried in someone's boobs.'_

That thought hit me loud and clear while the others had been muffled; clouded. I lowered my eyes, feeling...shame? "I don't see her outside of school," I informed her quietly. "That game...it was just something to keep me from my own Black Parade. Y'know?"

"Sure," she mumbled. "I mean...doesn't matter..." _'He'd never see me that way anyway.'_

"You know, you could use my brother's pick-me-up services yourself," I joked, wanting to keep her mood light. I was getting more clear thoughts and I liked that.

"What? A dare?"

"Why not? He'd go easy on you, as a first-timer...just shake things up a bit, let you have fun."

"What would he challenge me to?" She was playing right along.

"Umm, he would challenge you to do something totally insane, like work with me on a class project." I flashed my crooked grin at her.

"Speaking of, we should get going. I can't be late."

_I can't feel the way I did before  
__Don't turn your back on me  
__I won't be ignored_

_Time won't heal this damage anymore  
__Don't turn your back on me  
__I won't be ignored_

_(Linkin Park)_


	8. Chapter 8 From the Inside

_**From the Inside**_

_I don't know who to trust, no surprise  
__Everyone feels so far away from me  
__Heavy thoughts sift through dust and all the lies  
__Trying not to break but I'm so tired of this deceit..._

"Hey! It's not Thursday!"

I arrived later the next morning and found her already walking to school. "I know. But I couldn't decide what to listen to and it's really distracting. It's simply not safe to drive with that sort of distraction level, so here I am. Asking for help."

_'He's so playing me...'_ "You get distracted a lot, don't you?"

"I do. But when I'm focused, I'm extremely focused. I focus better when I'm not thinking of you walking in the rain."

"It's not bad today. Just a drizzle." She kept walking along and I inched the car along beside her.

"Oh no. Are you ignoring me again?" I called out.

"Oh no, are you playing me again?" she retorted, a grin in place, but a sadness in her eyes as she glanced at me. _'Oh! He looks different!'_

"I swear, I'm not. I wanted to see you," I said with sincerity. "Grey? Will you please ride with me?"

She rolled her eyes at me, but relented and got in. _'If he's not playing me, it's a pity thing.'_ "You don't have to do this you know. It's more than enough that you're rescuing me from another solo flop in Soc. Crying in front of everyone once was humiliating enough. But seriously, you don't have to drive me to school." _'And please don't toy with me.'_

"That wasn't your fault. If the jackasses had shut up and let you finish..."

"Look, Edward...I have to make something clear. I think you're great. It's really nice of you take pity on me. And normally, I'm pretty tough for a girl, but right now..." She turned away from me. "Look, I really can't handle any sort of game right now. Okay?"

She _is_ tough, I thought. But vulnerable as well. I should just leave her alone. "Can you tell me one thing?" I asked quietly. "What's your name?" I loved her honesty. I wanted to see if it would extend to questions I asked as well.

The darkness that had kept me out of her thoughts all week crept back in. No no no...I had been making progress!

"Hmm. You know what? Forget it. You're 'Grey'. If you'd wanted to tell me..."

"My old name is irrelevant. I'm not that person anymore." She spoke in monotone, staring down at her hands folded in her lap.

"Sorry..." Shit! I really was! I hadn't meant to make her sad.

"I...I've been...just Grey for 2 1/2 years. That's just me."

"Okay. Grey it is..."

"If it's really bothering you..."

"No no. I'm just a curious sort. You can ask me something intrusive if you want." I flashed a brief grin.

"Really?" Her cloud began to clear and she gave me a skeptical smile.

"Sure. It's only fair."

She sat in silence. I caught waves of thoughts only, nothing with clarity to give me time to prepare a convincing lie. "Um, wow. I'm drawing a complete blank!"

"Well then, you can reserve your question for another time," I chuckled. "No strings."

"Seriously?" She was giving a lot of thought to something, I just couldn't read it. "Hey, you avoided responding to my request pretty good there Cullen...about not playing games."

"I know," I replied coyly. "It's complicated. Tricky to explain."

"Can you try?" She whispered her plea as I pulled into a parking space.

"Can it wait? The bell's about to ring. I don't want to make you late."

"Shit!" Grabbing her bag in a hurry, she was halfway out of the car when she hesitated. "You'll tell me?"

"Later. Promise."

"Okay, see you in class. Um, thanks for the ride." She closed the door and turning to run towards the school, she slammed into Jessica who was making her way just as quickly towards my car.

"Omph!" Jessica uttered as they collided. "Jeez! Watch it!"

Grey scrunched up her face, looking as though she had something to say but ran off instead, as first bell rang.

_'Aw cute, he gave the little freak a ride.'_ Jessica planted herself in Grey's vacated seat next to me. "Hi!" She smiled widely. _'Wonder how long I should wait to ride him...'  
_  
"Hi. Um, the bell rang didn't it?" What are you doing here? Get the fuck out, I'm losing her scent!

She shrugged. "I just wanted to see you. I've missed you!"

"Okay. You saw me yesterday," I pointed out bluntly.

"I know...hey, we should like, exchange numbers so we can talk at night!"_ 'Maybe go for ride...I really want to ride...'  
_  
Christ no. "Yeah, I've gotta get to class." I got out in a hurry and waited for her so I could lock my car. "See ya."

I bolted as soon as my locks engaged. Stupid human. Wonder how much she'd enjoy the ride when it actually came to that; when she was mounted on icy granite. Though some do like it, apparently. Aside from that, there was the distinct possibility I'd kill her if handed the opportunity. Would she still want to ride knowing that?

Truthfully, I considered keeping my options open with her, I was sick of being a virgin. Problem was, even though losing my virginity was pretty high on my wants list, I didn't know if I could go through with the kill afterwards. The only other option, because I couldn't allow her to expose my family's secret, was to change her. I knew I couldn't do eternity with her. Fuck, no!

* * *

I raced to third period, wanting to be seated already in my new spot at the back with Grey before Jessica got there. Not a problem, I was first in class, flashing a grin at a shocked Mr Willis.

_'No make up and rings today and he's early...'  
_  
Grey arrived soon after and smiled as she took her place next to me. "You're determined huh?"

"Definitely. I'm committed to this partnership. We're gonna blow these assholes away with our charity event." I grinned smugly. My idea was to hold a talent show.

"Your idea is great, but a lot of work. Maybe we should get going in the early planning at lunch?" Her suggestion came out with more than a little shyness and uncertainty.

"Oh, uh...sorry, but I can't today. I have to do something at lunch."

"That's okay." She shook her head and dug into her bag for a pen. _'Don't blame you for wanting to fuck Jessica instead of hanging out with me for a Soc project. Typical.'_

The class had filled up and Mr Willis called for us to get to work, so we did. Class went faster than any had for me in all my years of highschool. As I stood and gathered my books, Jessica appeared by my side.

"So, wanna hang out tonight? We could go out or stay in...my parents will be out late." She brushed against me suggestively.

"Can't. I've got plans I can't break tonight. Sorry." I tried to keep a balance of sincerity, in case I did decide to fuck her, and a polite brush off, because I really did want her to disappear until that decision was made.

_'Oh my god! He's ditching me for the class freak! I'll be the laughing stock of the entire school!'_ "Yeah. Cool. Whatever. I just thought you'd like some company rather than being a loser at home alone on a Friday night." I didn't miss her eyes running over Isabella as she said that last bit.

Not fucking nice. Jessica didn't even know her! Maybe she didn't notice since she was busy packing up her bag. I recalled the sadness in her eyes that morning when she told me she wasn't feeling very strong. She didn't need this bitch's attitude.

"Right, well I actually prefer it that way." I snapped at Jessica, suddenly not caring how the school would perceive her. She was the lunch period car-hopper, after all. She has to know people already thought nasty things of her. Isabella left before I could say anything more to her.

* * *

Chasing after her in the hall after 4th period, I forced myself to pursue her at human speed. Otherwise, it wouldn't have been a chase at all.

"Hey," I said casually as I stepped into place beside her.

She frowned. "Hey. Thought you had something to do."

"I do. I was wondering if you'd come along. If you'd like to, that is."

Her face lit up. "Anything to get away from here!"

"Do you want me to stop at a drive-thru or something?" I asked as we headed for town.

"Not unless you need to. I brought my lunch." She pulled out her sack to show me the proof. "Looks like...pasta salad? I dunno. My mom..." She rolled her eyes and laughed as she packed it away.

"Well go ahead!" I encouraged her. "You're not going to eat it?"

"In your car? I'm allowed?"

I chuckled and reached for her lunch. "Please...eat."

"What about you?"

"Nah. I'm fine." Unless your mother packed a small concealed animal with warm, fresh blood in that sack.

"I'll share with you! It looks gross but it's actually pretty good."

I smiled at her offer. "Thanks, but really, I'm fine. I don't eat at lunch."

"So what do you do?" She dug into her salad and looked at me with interest. She seemed more like the girl I knew from the music shop now.

"Run errands?" I suggested with a grin.

"That's today...oh hey! I meant to ask earlier - what's with the new look today? Are you going normal on me?"

I'd taken out my piercings and toned down the hair. "Uh, it's just for today. To make my mom happy."

"I didn't mean it in a bad way, you know. You actually look really good." I glanced over an caught her blushing. "Not that you didn't before..." _'Shut up. Just stop talking! You're making an ass of yourself! As if I ever stop when I should...'_ "Where are we going anyway?"

"I have to pick something up for my mom. A gift. It's her birthday." I'd found a portrait of her with her baby on an online auction. Apparently it had been in the attic of her old house since her 'death' and the family who lived in it since was having an estate auction. I'd purchased it for her and left it until the last minute to arrange for it to be sent to the gallery here for pick up. Esme was worth the extra effort, she asked so little of me so I relished the idea of surprising her this way.

Inside the gallery, I examined the painting as the owner cleared my payment for their handling fee. I gave a generous tip for their care of my gift. It was perfect.

"That's gorgeous! Does your mom collect art?" Grey asked as we left the gallery.

"Not really. This piece is special though...it belonged to her family a century ago."

"Seriously? That is so cool! How do you know that? Where'd you find it? Oh shit...there's my mother! Hide me!" She ducked behind me as I lifted the trunk. "Too late," she groaned as a woman waved from across the street.

"Hi honey!" She called out as she crossed over. "I thought that was you. Why aren't you at school?"

Aw fuck. Had I gotten her in trouble again?

"It's lunch. He had to pick something up so I came along. We're doing a project together. Oh, um, Edward, this is my mom, Renee."

Shit. She'd mentioned a step-father, which meant her last name would be different. Avoiding addressing her, I nodded politely. "Hello. It's nice to meet you."

_'Oh boy, he's a handsome one!'_ "You too Edward. This is the boy you've been talking about? Now I see why!"

"Mom!" Grey hissed indignantly. "So, we should go. Back to school." She nudged me with her foot.

"Right. We should," I agreed. "I can't afford a detention today. My mom would kill me! It's her birthday," I explained to Renee. "That's why we're here. If I hadn't left this so late, we'd be working on the project at school."

_'Brilliant Edward! Thank you! God, it's like he knows I'm not supposed to leave school.'  
_  
Was she grounded? Damn, it was frustrating me to no end that I couldn't read her entirely. "Will you be in trouble now?" I asked quietly once we were inside the car alone. I wasn't used to parental rules, myself.

She shrugged. "I dunno. Renee's pretty cool on her own. If she keeps this between us, I should be fine."

"I'm sorry. I wouldn't have made you come along if I'd known...

"You didn't make me!" she laughed. "By the way, you're still not clear of the answer you owe me from earlier. You said it's complicated, but we have the whole drive back." She looked at me with a grin as she bit into an apple from her lunch sack. "And it is later. You promised."

I grinned at her candor. She was definitely getting over whatever was bothering her. "It is and I did... Look, Grey... I'm essentially a loner. Not only because we move around so much, but because I choose to be. My siblings, however, are much more social, yet still always lumped in with me as a family of freaks. They've learned to work that. They like to play. A lot. They draw me into their mischief from time to time."

"This being one of them."

I nodded. "Not this..." I indicated the two of us here, now. "This is entirely my own doing. By choice, Grey. Trust me." I glanced over to see her expression. It matched her dubious thoughts. She didn't trust me. Good girl.

"I don't know why I should. You just told me you play around a lot. Why wouldn't this be another game? If it was, it's not like you'd admit it and ruin your fun, right?"

"Point taken," I replied smoothly. "I suppose I have to earn your trust. Jessica _was_ the game, but she bores me. I'm being completely honest here...I've never met a person I've found to be as interesting to me as you are." Okay, so I omitted the part about my hit and miss mind reading with her being a huge part of that interest and I did lie about Emmett not knowing. He did encourage this bigger challenge. I gave her a version of truth and hoped it would be enough for her.

She didn't respond verbally at first but her thoughts went wild. Too messy to read.

"You doubt me," I stated.

"I'm supposed to believe you'd rather have a conversation with me than be with Jessica? Give me a break!"

"Why is that so hard to believe?"

"Because she's hot! All the guys want her. She's what every guy likes..."

"Easy?" I snickered. She laughed along with me. It was a pleasing sound.

"Look, all I'm saying is that I'm not an airhead. I get that guys are into her and her type..."

"Yet I'm here with you right now," I reminded her. I didn't like that she had such a low opinion of herself. She was really cute. If I were human...

"You licked her at school!" she retorted.

"Okay. I did..." I felt ashamed of myself now.

"I can't believe you did that!" She was amused! "Like, in front of everyone! For a loner, you're pretty bold."

"Are you teasing me?" I asked with amusement myself.

"I'm just pointing out that she is what you want, really. Or her boobs are anyway... And I don't want to be part of some jealousy game or whatever. I get it. She's stacked. Who wouldn't want to lick them? So I'm not jealous...well I am, but I'm not playing. Okay?"

Holy fuck she was honest! "Okay. I promise I won't play with you. Happy?"

"No!" she laughed. "I kinda want to play. Being good is making ME bored!"

"You make my head spin, you know that?"

_'You make mine clear.' _She bit down on her lip and looked away shyly. "So what was the game anyway? To make her your fuck puppet or just to see how long it would take to get her?"

"Fuck puppet?" I laughed. "More of a puppet in general, I'd say. Or a pet."

"Can I ask my intrusive question now?"

"Oh no...the one on reserve? Go ahead..."

"And you'll answer honestly?"

Not likely. "Why not? Lay it on me."

"Did you...You know..." _'Is she as easy as she acts?'_

"Did I sleep with her? No." Ha! I didn't even have to lie!

"Will you?"

"I believe that's two questions..." I taunted her.

"I believe that means 'yes'."

"I believe you don't know me well enough to make that call."

Her eyes locked on mine as a smile spread on her face. "I guess we'll have to change that."

We can't change that Isabella. You can't _know_ me. You can't trust me. "Tell me something, what song comes to mind?"

"Huh?" I threw her off with the sudden topic change.

"Right now...what song pops in your head?"

"Um..._'From the Inside'_."

"Cool."

_Take everything from the inside  
__And throw it all away  
__'Cause I swear for the last time  
__I won't trust myself with you..._

_(Linkin Park)_


	9. Chapter 9 On Call

_**On Call**_

_I'm on call  
__To be there one and all  
__To be there when I fall  
__To pieces..._

I was late for school on Monday, we all were. Couldn't be helped, the cloud cover just wasn't dense enough to get inside without us giving our secret away.

I was waiting at Isabella's locker when she came to put her books in at lunch. She gave me an odd look when she saw me. It didn't help that I was holding her lock in my hand.

"Did you ditch class to learn how to break into lockers or is this a skill you've always had?"

"I didn't ditch...we were late getting back. And I didn't break in, I was guarding. You left the lock open." The lies came easily. We hadn't gone anywhere over the weekend in order to get back late and she had locked it. I'd gotten her combination when on Friday when I was reading her as I passed by. I'd taken the opportunity to look through her locker to see if I could find any hint as to what she was mind-blocking from me. It was a pointless search.

"I didn't lock it?" She scratched her head in confusion, completely buying into my lie. "Oh well, no one would want anything of mine anyway.

"You sure about that?" I waved her lunch above her head, teasing her. "I dunno...looks pretty tasty."

"Rosemary chicken," she grinned. "I've been looking forward to that all morning. It's great on sandwiches. You should try it!"

I grinned in response. "How 'bout you eat, and I'll go over what I missed from class. Did you take notes?" I passed over her lunch and took her books off her, putting all away inside the locker except her Sociology notebook. "Sorry I missed class. Do you mind working through lunch?"

"No! That's good...that would be good."_ 'I feel like everyone's staring when I eat alone. Stupid. They don't even know I'm there.'_ "Hey! You put your rings back in."

"Alice did, yeah. Told you it was a one day thing."

"For your mom..." _'Sweet!'_

"For my mom," I grinned.

"How was it? Her birthday, I mean...did she like the painting? I bet she cried!"

Well, if vampires could cry, Esme would have. "She loved it, yeah."

"And you went away?" She was chatty! If I wasn't such an experienced liar, I'd have had trouble keeping up.

"Mmm-hmm. My brother lives in New York. He's going to school there. So we went down for a visit."

"Awesome! I always wanted to go to New York!" _'Would have if...'  
_  
And she went blank. Dammit!

"So what did you do all weekend?" I turned the tables on her. If I couldn't read her, I'd make her talk instead. I knew from the bits of conversation I'd picked up lurking outside her house at night, things weren't great at home. I wondered if that was what she blocked.

"Um...nothing really. I did make a list of things we need to get started on for the show right away though...reserving the auditorium and stuff like that."

"Cool! I swear I won't leave it all to you." We set up at our own end of a lunch table and brainstormed.

"Edward? I was wondering if you wouldn't mind being the spokesperson. I mean, I'll do the behind the scenes stuff...on my own, if you want... I just can't get up there..."

I frowned. "Sure, whatever you'd like. But you're going to perform, aren't you?"

"Are you?" There was hesitation in her voice.

I shrugged. "Sure. But only if you are as well."

"You play dirty!"

You have no idea...

"Ugh!" She buried her face in her hands. "I honestly don't know if I can, Edward. You've seen me try to speak in front of a crowd...you think I could perform! Nobody wants to hear my shit anyway."

"I do," I informed her softly.

She smiled at me. "An audience of one, I could handle...maybe."

"You play in front of Bart at the shop, right? You're cool with that, so I shouldn't be any different. Or anyone, for that matter. Unless...hey! Have you got a thing for Bart?"

She was laughing like mad and I sat back and watched. Listened. Her laugh was musical and I wanted the song to go on and on.

"If Bart's not available the night of our show, maybe I could sub for him? I'll be like Jack White to your Meg...just sit off in the shadows while you play. You'll know I'm there, supporting you but not stealing the show. Think about it..."

"I am! And better yet, play with me! BE Jack White! I totally want you to steal the show!"

I gave her a grin as I leaned forward on the table. "What song? Your choice."

"You'd do that? Seriously? Wow! I hope you can sing, 'cause I won't even attempt to. It would ruin the act anyway." She looked elated and gave me a glowing smile. "You go above and beyond, y'know? You take this pity thing really seriously."

I sighed in frustration. "Grey, it's not a pity thing..."

"Whatever." She rolled her eyes at me. "Jessica's been staring at you, shooting me death glares. You may want to rethink how much pity to dole out. You could lose your chance to get laid because you're too nice."

Shit! Did she know I was keeping her on the side just for the reason? Just in case... "Look, I'm only gonna say this once more - this isn't charity, pity, or anything of the sort. You've got it wrong. All of it. Especially the 'too nice' bit. I'm not. I'm not a nice person at all, believe me." That, she should believe...complete truth. "And if I really wanted to fuck her, I would. Regardless of anyone or anything. Period."

The laughter left entire face. She believed. Good girl. I heard my name coming from across the room, it caught my attention. It was Jasper's thoughts I was hearing, but it was a conversation he was listening in on. Apparently Jessica was going the sour grapes route, dealing with the gossip of me snubbing her for Grey.

_'He's totally hot and all, but I backed off because I won't deal with him being like the freak girl. She's a total druggie, y'know. My mom knows her mom's boyfriend's sister and yeah...she's a real disaster. She told my mom that's why they moved here, 'cause she was like, a total whore so she could support her habit. It's like, really bad. He feels sorry for her, being alone, that's the only reason he's hanging out with her. But he's being dumb if he thinks she's just a recreational user. She's an out of control loser. Even the stoners think so. It's so pathetic...'  
_  
I seethed inside. I didn't give a shit what she said about me, but she didn't have a right to say anything about Grey. She's done nothing to Jessica! Stupid bitch! My anger rose by the second and I stood abruptly, tipping my chair over. It clanged noisily across the tiled floor.

"Edward? What's wrong? Sorry...I..."

"I have to get out of here," I mumbled through clenched teeth. "Now. Walk with me?" I needed her company, to distract me; to keep me from going after the gossiping bitch spreading lies.

Storming out of the building, I turned to walk down the path that led away from the school, towards the park that was opposite the parking lot. Grey trailed behind me, her thoughts now coming to me, filled with confusion and concern.

"Hey, Edward, I won't joke about that anymore, okay? I'm sorry. Can you slow down? I'm having trouble keeping up!"

I was moving too quickly; not anywhere near the vampire speed I was capable of, but not human speed either. I stopped in place to let her catch up. She wasn't paying attention either and kept her trot going at full pace, slamming into my back, head first. I barely felt the collision but it threw her backwards, knocking her on her ass.

"Oh!" she cried out, holding the bridge of her nose.

"Shit! Isabella! Are you okay?" I ran over to her, crouching down to inspect the damage. "Let me have a look."

She stared at me, eyes watering from the blow. "What did you call me?"

Fuck! Had I slipped up? Angry with myself for being careless, I lashed out at her. "What were you thinking! Why would you walk with your head down like that?"

"Why the fuck did you stop like that?" she yelled back, her hands still covering her nose. She was pissed, but at least she was off the subject of me fucking up with her name.

I closed my eyes briefly to get control of my anger. She was obviously hurting. "I'm sorry...here, let's see the damage."

Slowly, she moved her hands away. There was an angry red bump on the bridge and a trickle of blood trailing from one nostril. No no no... I held my breath, but not before getting one thoroughly enticing whiff. Oh god...

"What an idiotic thing to do!" I lashed out once more, knowing it wasn't her fault, but that didn't make the urges I felt lessen any.

"I know! I'm a total klutz! Yelling at me isn't making it better!" She dug through her bag and pulled out a wad of tissue for her bloody nose while I paced around her.

I needed to get away from her; from her blood...her wonderful smelling blood. Oh my fucking god...

"Can you stand?" I barked as I scooped up her scattered items.

She attempted and immediately got wobbly. "Oh...shit..."

Quickly, I put an arm around her waist to brace her before she fell down again. "Okay, standing wasn't a good idea." I directed her over to an empty bench and sat her down. "Dizzy?"

She nodded and flinched with the movement. "My head's spinning and pounding."

"Fuck! I think your nose may be broken." It was swelling steadily. "You need to go to the hospital."

"I need ice...I'll be fine."

I stared at her incredulously. "You weren't kidding about being tough, were you? It's bad."

"It looks bad? The bleeding's slowing down...I should be alright. I really want some ice though."

I stood there helplessly, a walking ice cube. She did need ice. I couldn't leave her alone and she couldn't walk...dammit! Shifting my feet nervously, I rubbed my hands together. It was a pointless action, I knew. "Here, let me..." I pulled her hands away and placed my icy fingertips on the top of her nose.

"Oh!" She pulled back feeling the coldness and I stepped away. "You're cold!"

"That was the idea," I said grumpily. "Did it hurt?"

"No! I was just shocked...can you...?" She tilted her face up to me again and I placed one hand across her forehead and spread my fingers on the other hand over her nose.

"Better?" I asked after a few minutes. She nodded and sighed. "Think you can stand now? I'd like my father to take a look at that."

"Your father?" She mumbled around my hand.

"He's a doctor," I explained gently as I crouched in front of her. I continued holding my breath so I wouldn't smell her blood. As it was, my mouth was full of venom. I swallowed before I spoke again. "I really think it's broken. He may have to set it or something."

"Great," she groaned as she stood up, more slowly this time. I supported her by the waist as we started walking.

"Um, should I carry you?"

"No! Don't be ridiculous...I'm fine. I just sprained my ankle!"

"Your ankle? What are you talking about?" Uh-oh. She was even confused about what was injured; couldn't be good.

Giving me a dazed look, she tried to laugh it off but wobbled over instead.

"Okay...here we go..." I didn't ask again, instead, I scooped her up in my arms and hurried to my car. She weighed nothing and she flopped against me, pressing her head against my chest.

"Feels soooo good," she muttered as the cold from my body eased her headache. "Warm..."

No, cold. She was very confused - not good at all. "Okay, I have to set you down for a sec." I stood her by the car as I opened the door. She clung to me and I helped her in and got her seatbelt on. I could feel her breath on my cheek as I reached across her to lock it in place. _That_ was warm. So warm. I took a few seconds to ice down her swollen nose before running around to my side.

"You okay?" I asked as we pulled out onto the street. "Grey? Don't go to sleep...stay with me."

"Tired..."

"I know. You can sleep later. Talk to me..." I placed my hand on hers to jolt her awake and then started rambling about anything and everything just to keep her awake. After a monologue, I figured I should ask questions to keep her more alert. "You don't take music class at school, why?"

"I love burgers," she replied sleepily.

"Great. I'll buy you one later." I chuckled lightly. She made absolutely no sense but at least she was awake and talking.

"We're going out for lunch? I'm not supposed to go home."

"You mean leave school? I know. This is special. Your mom will understand."

"My mom's in love with you!" she giggled.

"Is that so?" I chuckled. "Well she won't be now that I've broken her daughter."

"She does! I do too." She picked up my hand and placed the back of it on her forehead. "Mmm...my cat loves you too."

"You have a cat?" Really? I hadn't picked up on that at her house, oh no. Poor cat.

"My brother does..." She leaned her head back and moaned again as my icy hand reconnected.

"You have a brother? Older or younger?"

"Mm-hmm..." Her head lolled to the side.

"Grey? Baby, stay with me, we're almost there." Moving my hand around her face, I managed to get her alert once more.

"Ughhh...Edward...stop..."

"Sorry baby, you've got to stay awake."

"No...STOP! I mean the car...I don't feel so..."

I got her meaning instantly and was opening her door from outside even as she leaned out. I reached around and unbuckled her from the seat while she heaved and then held her steady for the remainder. Wow. For such a small human, her stomach held a lot of liquid. When it stopped contracting, she began sobbing against my shoulder.

Stroking her hair, I held her, whispering soothing words as she babbled apologies. "Shhh...it's okay. It's my fault. It's all my fault. I'm sorry I hurt you. And got angry with you. None of this is your fault baby. I'll take care of you, don't worry. You'll be okay." I'd seen this in movies, the reassurance thing. I'd never actually tended to a person before now so it felt odd, yet I couldn't seem to push her away. It _was_ my fault. I had an obligation...just as I felt obligated to slaughter the animals that feed me quickly, mercifully, I was obligated to tend to this fragile human and then release her.

Riddled with guilt, I waited in Carlisle's office while he examined her. It was such a thoughtless thing...stupid! I should have been aware of her movements. I should never have asked her to come with me in the first place. If I had controlled my temper... If I'd walked away from her after we'd first met... If I'd just left her alone...

Stupid!

Selfish.

"Is she okay?" I jumped up when Carlisle opened the door.

"A little woozy. She's got a concussion..."

"I figured... Is it broken?"

He nodded. His thoughts trying to console me.

"It _is_ my fault! Can I see her?" I needed to see what damage I'd done to her. I needed to see for myself that she would be okay.

I needed to leave her alone.

Carlisle watched me in silence, unable to read my thoughts, but knowing them regardless. "She'd like that...if you went to her now. She asked for you."

"Carlisle...should I...?"

"See her? I think she'd appreciate it."

"Take her home and forget about her, I mean. This can't happen...right? I should leave?"

He sighed heavily as he grabbed onto my shoulder. "Leave? Edward, I don't think that would solve anything. You already have feelings for this girl... You care for her."

"That's why I should go. She's better without me..."

"What about you, son? Are you better without her? I've noticed the change in you lately, you can't deny you've been happier."

I snorted in disgust. "At what cost? My happiness for her life? Look what I've done to her already! Without even trying!"

"Go see her. You don't have to make any decisions right away. We'd like her to stay awake for the time being, so she needs you there."

Obligation took over. She needed me.

_Call me now baby, I'd come a-running  
__She said call me now baby, I'd come a-running  
__If you call me now baby, I'd come a-running..._

_(Kings of Leon)_


	10. Chapter 10 Steady As She Goes

_**Steady As She Goes**_

_Find yourself a girl and settle down  
__Live a simple life in a quiet town  
__Steady as she goes... _

I sat with her the remainder of the afternoon while the staff monitored her concussion. It wasn't too severe so they released her after a few hours. Against Carlisle's better judgement, they heeded her request to not contact her mother. And so, I was obliged to take her home.

Her head was definitely clearer than on the way over, but she still had one doozy of a headache and her nose was taped to hold it in place. She'd definitely have extensive bruising as well, it was already darkening around her eyes. I felt like shit.

"I'm really sorry..." I said for the hundredth time as I got her buckled back in my car.

"_You_ are...I puked on your shoes! I'd say we're even." She grinned at me, showing her toughness had returned.

"Speaking of...you should ease back on the...what was that? Coffee?"

"Coke," she smirked. "I'm kind of addicted."

"Will your mom be pissed that you didn't call?"

She bit down on her lip, considering her answer. "I don't know. She's pissed now, for sure, 'cause I'm late. But when she sees me, she'll probably just be concerned."

"Late? It's not even 6!"

"I'm supposed to come home right after school," she explained.

"Are you grounded?"

"Sort of. More of house arrest," she smirked. "Let's just say I'm under close watch."

"They won't be pleased to see you with me then huh?"

"You can just drop me. No need for you to have to deal with them."

"It's my fault! I'm not leaving you to deal on your own. Why don't they trust you?" I asked gently. "If you'd rather not say, just tell me to mind my own fucking business." I gave her a crooked grin when we stopped for a traffic light.

A shy grin in place, she shrugged. "I guess I've given them enough reason. I'm kind of a disaster."

It would have been just as easy for her to blame it on over-protective parents who just don't understand, but she put it on herself. Openly, honestly. "You seem pretty okay to me," I assessed in a soft voice.

"Well, I'm trying...really hard...to be what they want me to be..."

"Which is...?"

"Okay, I guess. Just normal. They hate that I'm 'acting out' with the goth look, but this is...I dunno...I don't even really like it anymore but it's the only thing that's me. Y'know?"

"I think there's more to you than any particular 'look', Isabella."

"What?" Her head snapped around to look at me. Yeah, I'd called her by her real name, intentionally this time. I was tired of that game. "How did you..."

"I saw your chart. I peeked. Sorry."

"You're lying...you called me that before..."

I feigned confusion. "No I didn't. I just saw it when I was sitting with you at the hospital. How could I have called you that before? And what's wrong with 'Isabella' anyway?"

"What isn't wrong with 'Isabella'? I've never liked the name, but I hate what it reminds me of more...the old me. And you so _did_ call me that before, at school."

"Did not, you're confused. And I think it's a great name. Bella...beautiful. It suits you." My voice was teasing, but soft. I didn't want to rile her up but I was sick of trying to be conscious of using a fake name with her. And I liked the way it sounded when I said it. "You are a 'Bella'. That's what I'm gonna call you from now on."

She rolled her eyes at me. "Argh! If I could move without gettimg dizzy, I'd punch you!" She was teasing too. Good.

"And what, break your hand too? Isn't the nose enough for today? My dad would kill me if I brought you back again."

"You didn't get in trouble, did you?" She was sincerely concerned.

"Bella, why would I get in trouble?"

She shrugged. "I just don't want him to hate me and tell you not to hang out with me anymore."

I frowned. "First off, he doesn't hate anyone. Secondly, _I_ hurt _you_, so there's more reason for your parents to be pissed at me and tell me stay away." I glanced over at her. "And lastly, even if he were to tell me to stay away, I don't think I could."

"Why?" she whispered.

I sighed and chuckled softly as I turned onto her street. "Because, Bella...if you don't know by now, I think you're pretty cool and I like spending time with you. And now that I've broken you, it's my responsibility to tend to you. To keep you safe." My truth was said with a smirk and internal apprehension, but it was the most real I'd ever been. "Is that okay?"

She smiled at me before reaching to touch my hand. "That's okay. Kinda...really okay." Her fingers traced over the back of my hand and down my fingers. "You're still cold."

"I'm always cold," I admitted quietly. "But it came in handy today!" A joke to lighten the mood. "We should get you inside?"

"Ugh. Can't I just stay here with you? Renee's gonna be fussing...I hate that. And god knows what Phil will be like. Ugh! I hate my life!"

I tried delving into her mind to see what she was referring to with Phil. What did she fear? Was he abusive? "What's the deal there? He doesn't hurt you, does he?"

"Phil? No!" she laughed. "He acts all macho and tough but he's a total weenie. He just likes to be in control. It's his house...his rules...blah blah blah. It's my fucking LIFE!"

I smirked at the return of her spunk. "Want me to stick around? Just ask. I will."

"No...yes! But no. You've helped me out enough. I'll be fine."

I saw her to the door. She called the scene with her mom correctly...her anger turned to concern and fussing as soon as she saw her. Phil was out looking for her. I got politely dismissed.

* * *

Bella didn't come to school the next two days. No surprise really. I lurked by her window each night, to ensure the concussion wasn't the cause of her absence and on Wednesday, I paid her a visit that she was aware of.

I went after school. Her mother answer the door when I rang the bell.

"Edward! So nice to see you again, come in!"

I smiled and accepted her offer. "I've brought some notes and assignments for Isabella, so she doesn't miss too much. Could you please pass them on to her?"

_'Oh...he's got a thing in his lip...his eyebrow too? Why didn't I notice that the other times? But he's calling her Isabella! Does that mean she's giving up that ridiculous name? God I hope so...'_ "Don't be silly! Give them to her yourself. She's been bored out of her mind, she'd love the company!"

"She's well enough? I don't want to disturb her if she's resting."

She gave me a reassuring smile. "She's fine. Go on up! Turn right at the top."

Yeah, I knew that...

I knocked gently on her door and it flew open.

"Mom! I'm FINE! Oh! I thought you were... what are you doing here?"

"Uh...I brought you some stuff from school...shit, that looks bad. Is it really painful?" Both eyes were blackened by the blow she'd taken, thanks to me. Red flooded into the whites of her eyes as well. Fuck, I'd really done a number on her.

She grinned and pulled me inside her room. "It saves me the trouble of applying make-up! The purple part looks kinda radical, but it works, y'know?" The smile didn't leave her face as she mocked her beat-up look. "The headache was the worst part, that's not so bad anymore. I would have went to school today, but Renee wouldn't let me. Like I said, she's fussing. And I'm bored! What's been going on? What did I miss? What did you bring for me?"

I laughed at her enthusiasm and showed her everything I'd done for our project. "So the aud is booked, no problem, for the show and auditions. The sign-up sheet was posted today...I left our names off, Alice's suggestion. I think we'll get more responses if they don't know they're auditioning for the town freaks."

"Good thinking!" she agreed.

"My sister..." I grinned. "I feel really bad Bella. I had no idea it was this bad..."

"I told you, it's not so bad. Looks worse than it feels...but I know it looks hideous. The kids will have fun with this at school, huh?"

"I'm sorry..."

"Do you like feeling guilty?" she asked me, point blank. "Should I like, be whiny and bitchy and hate on you because of an accident? Is that what you're into?"

"No..."

"Then shut up. No more apologies. Deal?"

I nodded my agreement, sullenly.

"Have you picked a song to audition with? 'Cause you have to, you know. Just because you've done all this work doesn't mean you don't have the same rules as everyone else." She was teasing me now so I tucked away my guilt and focused on keeping her spirits up.

"Yeah, I was planning to anyway!"

"What are the options?"

"It's a surprise."

"Tell me! Please?"

"No. You've got to learn some patience! Jeez." I continued teasing her. "Honestly, I'm still debating it myself. I can't decide which one I'll play for you."

"Tell me the options and I'll help you decide."

"Tricky, aren't you," I grinned. "Won't work."

"Piano or guitar? Can you tell me that at least?"

"That's where I'm stuck. I like the piano song, because it's not one normally done on piano. I've changed it. But I did promise you a song on guitar, which I haven't given you so..."

"My guitar's right there. Play for me now. Then do piano for the audition. There. Problem solved! You're lucky to have me y'know."

"Patience..." I smirked. "You'll have to wait until I've decided."

"Ugh! You're killing me!"

I frowned and moved away from her, going over to her window across the room.

"It's just an expression," she said softly. "Please don't feel bad. I don't want you to feel bad because of me."

"_'Basket Case'_," I announced, changing the subject. "That's one option."

"And you play it differently? How?"

"No, that's just _'Basket Case'_... I picked that one because, well, I am one," I chuckled.

"One of my personal soundtrack songs as well," she laughed.

"Personal soundtrack songs huh? Sounds interesting...now you've got me thinking what my soundtrack would be."

"Wonder how many songs we'd have in common," she played along.

"Well, personally, I'd have to have more than one soundtrack. Possibly a trilogy's worth. But if I stuck to one genre...say modern, I think we may have more than a few picks the same. What's on yours?"

"While we're on Green Day, _'Boulevard of Broken Dreams'_."

"Good song. I'm partial to _'Good Riddance'_, myself. I was going to learn how to play that, but it's too predictable."

"Definitely. Too simple for you. Still, I'd like to hear you play it."

"Some day. Maybe. What else?"

"You first! You haven't told me any of yours."

"Okay... _'What I've Done'_," I said with a grin. It certainly would be on my soundtrack, and it was a song she knew.

"Really? Linkin Park?"

I nodded.

"Huh. I don't see that in you."

"Yet you see _'Basket Case'_? Okay...I see what you think of me," I joked.

"I just can't see you doing something that would need 'washed away'."

You have no idea what I've done in the past...unforgivable things. I gave her a sad grin from my spot by the window. "Will you be able to go to school tomorrow?"

"Oh I'm going! I can't take another day of this..."

"Good. I'll pick you up. Here, this time. Not down the road."

"You're leaving?" She looked crestfallen.

"Yeah, I should go." I walked over to her as she stood. "Get some rest Bella. I'll see you first thing in the morning."

* * *

I actually saw her all night, sneaking back in to watch her sleep. Alice had given me another preview of a new vision and it rattled me. Bella _would_ be my girlfriend. I'd given up denying it; trying to change events so Alice would be wrong. No matter what I did, it led me back to this enticing little human, who I was drawn to more and more each day. In this new vision, Bella was asleep, wrapped in a blanket lying next to me, a smile on her lovely face as she slept peacefully. Tonight, in her room as I watched her, she seemed to be restless. I'd had to make a quick exit several times, certain she was waking up. I made a concerted effort to block her thoughts myself, as her dreams were meant to be her own. I didn't want to invade her dreams. What I really wanted, was for her to tell me what kept her from a sound sleep. I wanted her to feel at ease with me, like in the vision, and she was too smart for me to keep attempting to fool when I slipped up and spoke about things she'd only thought of. I'd have to be very careful. On guard. Though I wanted more than anything right now to protect Bella, make her happy, keep her safe...my devotion belonged to my family and our secret would have to remain intact while I attempted an actual relationship with a human.

"Nice touch," I smiled as she opened the door for me in the morning. She had coloured her nose bandage blue, the same shade as the streaks in her hair.

She curtsied and shoved me out the door. "Quick! Before my mother gets us..."

I took her bag from her as we raced down the porch steps and to my waiting car. I'd left it running so it would be warm for her.

"I've got a new song for my soundtrack," I announced to break the silence on the way to school. I was avoiding looking at her and having to resist the urge to apologise again. "_'Famous Last Words'_."

"_'I'm Not Okay'_. That's a song," she replied. "My own My Chemical Romance track." She looked at me when I didn't respond. "What?"

I shook my head. "Your soundtrack is so sad."

"It is what it is," she said with a shrug. "You're no better, Mr What I've Done."

I cocked an eyebrow in her direction. "Valid point. But I'm not a nice person, I did tell you that. Have you forgotten already?"

"No. I just don't believe it. Sure, you're a liar, but I'm not buying that crap either. I've seen you be nice. You're being nice right now." She poked at my side with a finger.

I opened my block of her thoughts and searched for a reaction to her finger meeting a rock as she touched me. Nothing showing shock or revulsion and I wondered how long it would be before that happened. And how much more I'd care when it inevitably did.

I carried her books to first class for her, bringing what she'd need for second period with me and switching them when I met up with her then. She frowned in frustration at my fussing, but I insisted.

"_'Revelry'_," I stated as we walked. "One of my favourites right now and definitely on my soundtrack."

"Don't know it," she replied.

"You will. We're going to switch iPods so you can broaden your own soundtrack." I was rewarded with a smile instead of her frown. It held me over until Sociology.

"_'You Don't Understand Me'_."

"I'm trying to," I teased, knowing she was referring to a song. "_'Brown Eyed Girl'_."

"Seriously?" she laughed. "You're too young for that!"

"I'm old for my years. Trust me." I smirked at her as we settled in to work together. I ignored the stares, encouraging her to do the same, but the comments annoyed me. I suggested lunch outside to avoid the cafeteria noise. It would be unbearable for me and I didn't want to lose my temper again.

_Well here we go again  
__You found yourself a friend  
__Who knows you well_

_But no matter what you do  
__You'll always feel as though  
__You tripped and fell..._

_(The Raconteurs) _


	11. Chapter 11 Little Things Give You Away

_**The **__**Little Things Give You Away**_

_Don't want to reach for me, do you  
I mean nothing to you  
The little things give you away_

_But there will be no mistaking  
__The levees are breaking..._

"So your dad is super young," she blurted as we walked outside. "What was he, like 12 when you were born?"

"Child prodigy," I smirked. "Not up on your town gossip?"

"Blah. Should I be?"

I grinned at her response...maybe she was unaware of herself being yet another source of gossip for the townsfolk. Either that, or she didn't care. "No. You shouldn't bother with it. There's so much bullshit going around about my family. Being new in a town where everyone knows everyone, I guess it's natural. And we are...unusual."

"Like what?" she asked with amusement. "What do they say?"

"Insane stuff... They're addicted to plastic surgery. They abducted us from hospitals as babies. We're a religious cult performing dark rituals, here to take over the town. It's a flop house for misfit teens...well, that one kinda rings true," I smirked.

She smiled at me warmly, leaning against my car.

"We're adopted," I stated simply.

"You and Alice? Or everyone?"

"Yeah, all of us. Esme wanted a big family. She had a baby who died and she can't have more so she jumped at the chance to raise the three of us when our parents died. Jasper came more recently." I wanted to tell her this lie only once, so I filled in details without her probing, hoping she'd be satisfied and never ask again.

"Is she family?"

"Not really...kinda like family. They were very close to my parents. My grandparents were our only family, not well enough to care for us full-time. We were a handful," I smiled through my lies. "We were visiting them the night of the fire. My parents didn't even wake up. The smoke got to them. We would all have died if we'd been there." I softened my voice to show appropriate emotion to go along with my tale. And she bought into it.

"Oh my god...Edward...I...I'm sorry..." She placed a hand on my arm; a show of consolation. I'd seen others do that.

"I'm not sad Bella," I said softly. "It was so long ago... and I couldn't have asked for better parents than Esme and Carlisle."

"And you had your siblings..."

"Yeah. I can't imagine life without them. Are you and your brother close?" I wanted to deflect the subject off me and onto her. Not only because I hated making her believe my lies, but I had a desire to know every detail about her.

She gave me a strange look. "I don't have a brother." Not only did her mood shift suddenly, but the cloud moved in; dark and stormy.

"Oh...I must have misunderstood." Maybe it was part of her confusion from the blow to the head, but it seemed like more. "You're shivering. Get in the car, I'll put the heat on for you."

She placed her hand over mine as I adjusted the heat settings. "You're colder than I am. You never seem like you're cold though."

"I don't feel cold," I said quietly.

"Seriously? Not at all? Ever?"

I shook my head. How the fuck did we get back onto me?

"I...uh...I was really sick when I was a kid." I stared into her curious eyes. "It's left me with some residual shit to deal with. Like feeling like an ice cube." The truth as a lie... a lie that was true. Whatever, it worked.

"But not to you. Just others."

I nodded.

"Do you feel heat?"

I nodded, our eyes still locked. "You're warm. It's nice." Even better that the sun on my skin.

She slipped her other hand underneath mine, keeping the first in place on top. I wished like hell I could read her thoughts right then. If I could only one more time, I'd want to know how she really felt when she touched my alien skin this way. I closed my eyes and let the warmth of her hands envelope me, taking advantage since I assumed this would be the only time she'd touch me.

"Edward?"

I heard her voice; her sweet voice calling me but I was lost in a daydream that I didn't want to end. I was aware of her shifting, trying to pull my hand from hers. With regret, I allowed her to.

"Sorry. I'm making you colder, aren't I?" I asked with my eyes still clamped shut.

"It's okay, but the bell just rang. We're going to be late for class."

What? Where did the time go? It had felt like fleeting seconds, a mere moment. But it was over. Stopping outside her classroom, I brushed against her bruised cheekbone very lightly with my fingertips. "I'm so sorry," I whispered.

She held her breath as her face remained lifted and still against my touch. And then she stood on her toes and very quickly brushed her lips against my cheek before darting into her classroom.

I remained frozen to the spot, filled with wonder and excitement. I was glad I hadn't been able to read her intention. If so, I would have moved away and missed the electrifying sensation that flooded over me. It stayed with me long after she left, along with a deep admiration for her not losing any of her composure as she came in contact with a freak of nature.

* * *

"Bella, I have to ask you something." I'd fretted all night over whether or not to bring it up or pretend it never happened.

"Why do you insist on calling me that?"

"Because it's your name," I deadpanned. "Would you prefer something else?"

"Yeah. The name I gave you."

"I'll keep that in mind. In the meantime, I wanted to ask you something."

She giggled in the seat beside me. "You're just as stubborn as I am. Go ahead. Ask your question."

"When you touched my hand yesterday, did it freak you out? Tell me honestly, are you revolted?"

"Huh? Are you serious?" Her giggling stopped.

"I am."

"Revolted is a strong word. No, I wasn't, nor am I now, revolted."

"Disgusted then? Weirded out at least?"

"Why do I feel like you want me to be?"

"I don't. But you should feel that way. I was just wondering if you did." My voice was very low, I wasn't sure if she heard me. "Bella?"

"Grey... You know, I hate it when people tell me how I should feel."

I hesitated, caught off guard by her remark. I hadn't intended...

"Anyway, I don't feel any of that. It's weird because it's almost like I expected it. You're so different from anyone I've ever known..."

You have no idea...

"...so it just seems right that you'd _feel_ different as well. You've had bad reactions in the past?"

"Well I...avoid people touching me. Avoid people, period. Until you."

She cleared her throat dramatically. "There was Jessica," she reminded me playfully.

"She didn't touch me," I retorted smartly. "I just licked her."

"So your tongue feels different than your hands?" Her voice was filled with sarcasm. "It's soft and warm?"

"Point taken." I took a moment to move away from the thought that she was thinking of my tongue. I briefly considered licking her to let her see for herself if it was different. A particular body part stiffened at the thought and I focused on continuing our conversation rather than pulling over and licking her from head to toe. She smelled good.

"Back to your question," Bella said with a husky voice. Glancing over, I saw she was blushing as well. She must have similar thoughts to mine or she was embarrassed bringing it up in the first place. Either way, she was moving on. "I don't think you're a freak or weird, just different. And that's a good thing. Edward, we all have scars from damage done in the past. Some people's are just more apparent than others'. Yours makes you somehow more...real. 'Cause otherwise you're too fucking perfect."

My inhuman physique and skin made me more real to her? Amazing.

And terrifying.

* * *

I found myself irritable and alone at lunch. Bella had to go take up some work she'd missed earlier in the week so I hid out in my car. Even music couldn't distract me from my thoughts.

I desperately wanted a girlfriend. This girl. Desperately. I also vowed to keep her safe. How could I possibly achieve both?

Simple. I couldn't.

Unless we just hung out. Had some laughs and loads of engaging conversation.

Fuck that!

I wanted the full experience of a girlfriend! I wanted Bella. Her lingering scent filled my nostrils and I felt myself harden once more. God...how could I do this? I didn't even know how much pressure I could put on her hand if I were to hold it. All those tiny, breakable bones didn't stand a chance against me.

Kissing? What if I bit her instead?

And sex...oh Christ! Between my inexperience and pent up frustration, I'd kill her!

No. I couldn't do it.

And it wasn't fair of me to make her think we could ever be that way. She wasn't part of my challenge anymore.

She was my purpose.

My only desire.

Fuck!

I pounded on the steering wheel before resting my head on it. A soft rap on my window startled me. Bella.

"_'No More Sorrow'_!" she said excitedly as I rolled it down. "A new song! For my soundtrack...you think?"

I nodded without comment. Would she still include that when I broke her bones again? When I broke her heart? When I killed her...or worse...

"Edward? What's wrong? You feeling okay?" She leaned in my window, suddenly concerned.

"Headache," I lied.

She smiled and gently brushed her hand through my hair. "I've got some badass pills, courtesy of your dad. Want some?"

Smirking, I shook my head. "Pills don't work for me."

"Right...um...what does? It must be bad, you took your contacts out."

What? Checking my reflection, I saw what she did...darkened eyes. The reason for my heightened irritability - thirst. So careless of me to allow it to get like this. It wasn't unusual for me to wait as long as possible, but I couldn't afford to do that now. Not when Bella was at risk.

"Yeah, it's pretty bad. I think I'm gonna go home. I'll have Alice give you a ride home after school." I knew she and Jasper had hunted during the night so she could handle it.

"Not necessary! Edward, I'm fine." Her protest was sincere. She was concerned as much for me as I was for her.

"Completely necessary Bella. I'd never forgive myself if something happened to you."

She smiled into my dark, hungry eyes. "My hero."

"Hardly. You're the heroine in this story," I said in all seriousness. One brave little human to see past my differences...that's all it took to save me from my dreary existence of solitude.

As it turned out, all Cullens went home early. An unexpected break in the clouds caused us all headaches. So, as self-appointed guardian to Bella, I sat in my tinted car, under cover of trees and waited for her myself. I'd not been able to hunt so I'd have to keep this short; drive her home and get the hell away from her before she noticed anything else different about me. Or I lost control...

"Edward? Hey! I was expecting your sister!" She smiled in surprise as she climbed in. "Feeling better?"

"Well enough to get you home." I smiled back at her, my eyes hidden behind large sunglasses.

"You're too good to me." She leaned over and kissed my cheek for the second time.

As much as I liked it, I pulled back slightly. I had to maintain a safe distance. For Bella. "Did I miss anything in English?" I asked to distract her as I began driving.

"Not really...oh! I saw what you meant about the ridiculous gossip though! Funny, I'd never heard a thing before. Guess I just wasn't paying attention."

"What now...?" I groaned, already knowing.

"You guys miss a lot of school. All together...suspicious..." Her voice mocked the gossip mongers'.

I chuckled. "And today's insane theory is...?"

"Ready for this? The three of you ditch because you're sex addicts."

"Really?" I laughed. Me? "Okay, I can see where that would come about in regards to my sister...it's not like she and Jasper are discrete. They dish out the PDAs constantly. But how am I involved? I watch?"

She widened her eyes dramatically, having fun with the spreading of gossip. "No. Threesome."

"Ew!"

"Yeah, but see, you're not really related..." she explained their reasoning.

"Ah, much better then, right? I mean, I like Jasper. He's a really cool guy, but just not my type. Alice would kill me if I stole her boyfriend anyway." I cracked jokes to keep it light. She was doing an amazing job at keeping me distracted from my desire to feed. Änd Alice? With or without Jasper, just...ew."

"You're not related, remember?"she teased along with me.

I shook my head emphatically. "Alice...even if she wasn't my sister, she still would be. Make sense?"

"Perfect sense." Her smile held admiration for my close bond with Alice. And then it faded as she started chewing on her fingernail. "I can image what they say about me. What have you heard?"

I shook my head. "I don't pay attention to that shit."

"Only when it concerns you, right?" she teased.

"Right. Besides, I don't need gossip. I prefer to go directly to the source. I'd rather get your story from your own thoughts rather than someone else's tales."

"My thoughts? What, you can read my mind?" She was laughing; I was not.

Fuck fuck fuck! It was too easy to slip up when I was around Bella. I was so focused keeping control of my urges, I wasn't paying attention to what words were coming out. Time for damage control. "And if I could...what would I be reading now Bella?" I asked in my soft, soothing, thoroughly irresistible voice. "Right this moment."

"Um..." she giggled and blushed some more. I found both to be sweet and incredibly appealing. "You don't want to know..."

"I do. I want to know everything about you Isabella Swan. Every detail."

She bit down on her lip rather than her nail. "I want you to like me." My completely honest Bella was back. "If I were to... Edward, please don't listen to the gossip. I want you to know me and make your own decision; not judge me by what you've heard. Deal?"

"That's why we're here," I smiled over at her and brushed my hand on hers gently. "We should play a game," I suggested, to get her away from her worries. "They like gossip, so we could give them what they want and really fuck them up."

A small grin returned. "I'm interested...go on..."

"Well, everyone assumes we're spending our time together working on our project. They'll all know at the auditions tomorrow that this is our baby, but it could be our best opportunity to mess with them. If we act like more than partners with this, it'll drive them nuts wondering what's going on."

Her grin widened. "I may be joining your cult..."

"I may skip the next day you miss and that'll really get them going..."

We rhymed off a dozen more ways to toy with them. Emmett would like this girl, she played well. So engrossed in our evil plans, I didn't even notice Phil waiting in the driveway when I pulled up. I'd barely stopped the car when he yanked the passenger door open.

"Get inside," he ordered Bella, glaring at me.

"I'll be there in a minute!" she countered stubbornly. "Thank you for the drive, Edward. I hope you feel better."

"I'll be fine," I assured her softly. "Get lots of rest. You'll need it for the long day ahead. You are aware that we have a project after school tomorrow sir?" I addressed Phil directly, much to his dislike. Wow. He really did not like me... I almost choked on my respectful address of him, his thoughts were so ugly he didn't deserve to be called 'sir'.

"Isabella is to be home immediately after classes end. Period. You know the rules Isabella."

"This is for school. It's part of Sociology class. Mom knows about it and she knows I'll be late."

"I'll make sure she gets home safely." I smiled with mock politeness, knowing that was precisely his issue. His thoughts were not clouded in the least.

"Mom knows about that too and she's fine with it." Bella was firm but still respectful. His thoughts didn't match her actions at all. He was worse than Bart for not understanding teenagers. She turned back to smile at me as she climbed out. "Thanks again Edward. See you tomorrow."

"I'll be here...same time?"

She blew me a kiss while her back was still to Phil and winked. I chuckled as her thoughts came to me finally... She wanted to mess with his head too. He hated me and that made her want me even more.

"Emmett, you were right," I said aloud to myself as I drove off. "I did need some fun. And this is just right for me." More than fun, this girl made me feel things I'd never felt in my undead existence. I felt I was drowning in human emotion. More than a distraction or new interest, she made me feel accepted. I hoped I was doing the same for her. I'd never encountered a person I had so much respect and admiration for outside of our coven. She was strong and determined, so smart and quick-witted. And lovely. I thought of how her smooth dark hair felt on my fingers, how her porcelain skin looked so soft and inviting. And her smile...

I smiled thinking of it. And smiled some more thinking of how remarkable she was to accept me in her life, as I am. She made me feel almost human. At least I was a little less of a cold-hearted boy vampire.

_All you've ever wanted  
__Was someone to truly look up to you  
__And six feet under water  
__I do..._

_(Linkin Park)_

* * *

_A/N ~ I haven't had the chance to respond to each review, but please know your comments are very appreciated. I hope you're liking the innocence of Edward at this stage. He really longs for a normal relationship and it's so great to give him some human experiences. More soon! ~ SR_


	12. Chapter 12 The Circle

_**The Circle**_

_And I know  
__A golden June can turn an empty grey  
__Against your window_

_And I feel like  
__I'm on the outside  
__Of the circle..._

"Rested up for the big day?" I asked as we headed for school. She'd been unusually quiet since I'd picked her up.

"Hmph. I'll be glad when it's over."

"No problem staying out after school?"

She shrugged.

"Grumpy today?" I wasn't on top of it today either. Since I'd left her feeling so...not quite undead...I had put off hunting until very early morning. As it normally disgusted me, feeling the way I did from spending time with my little human made my disgust worse. I'd rushed it, taking whatever came by first and it wasn't satisfying. I'd need to go again tonight and I dreaded it.

"Sorry."

"Don't be. You're allowed to be grumpy. Is there a particular reason for it?"

_'No...he didn't just say that...'_ Bella turned to look at me. "Did you just tell me I can be grumpy?"

"Of course, I'd rather you felt more cheerful, but we all have our days. I probably have more than most, myself." I smiled at her crookedly as I returned her gaze.

_'Incredible...'_ "Hmm. I've waited so long to hear someone agree with me on that, now I have... I'm kinda less grumpy!" She chuckled as she shook her head. Her thoughts were coming to me very clear, but I didn't have to read them. She spoke every word she thought. "I don't have fucking clue how I'm supposed to be, but it seems I'm TOO everything, all the time."

You're open and honest. All the time.

"I get too angry, too sad, too anxious... What? I'm supposed to just STOP feeling? Be cold and heartless?"

No! God, please don't. Then you'd be me.

"Apparently I'd be 'happier' if I was..."

Not true. I sure as fuck wasn't.

"I'm freaking you out now, right? You're not saying anything...I'm TOO hyper."

Too human. Too perfect. "No. I'm just letting you get it all out. I'm a highly practiced listener."

She smiled at me sweetly, resting the side of her head against the back of her seat. "No one's ever heard me before... No... One other, but you're the only one since."_ 'You're amazing. You understand...would he understand all of it?'_

"As I said, I excel at listening, so you can vent anytime." I gave her a kind smile.

"Is that because of your sister? Does she talk to you a lot?"

I smirked. "Constantly." Alice was always speaking in my head.

_'Sweet...'_ "It's awesome that you're so close. I'm jealous."

"Yeah, uh, don't be. Sometimes I think we're too close. It's unnatural. And, she can be a real pain in the ass."

We stopped for a traffic light near the school. I turned to look at her when her voice softened. "You should cherish it. Every time she's being a nuisance and you wish it would stop, consider what it would be like if it did just stop one day. Not just the annoying part...everything."

I stared at her intently as her thoughts faded. There was no storm cloud in there yet, but it was definitely overcast. "I'd be lost without her, seriously. You're right. But I still reserve the right to bitch about her sometimes."

She smiled sadly.

"You lost someone close," I commented very softly, my eyes locked on hers.

"Edward..." she whispered before giggling and shaking her head. "Sometimes it's like you can read my mind. And when you look at me like that..." Her voice turned hoarse. "It's like you're looking into my soul."

"What if I am...if I could read your mind...?" My own voice emulated hers.

"You'd be bored instantly!" she laughed.

Not true, sweet Bella. Your mind fascinates me more than anything ever has._ You_...fascinate me. Rather than purging that on her, I smiled at her gently and pulled away from the light as an angry horn blared behind us.

My proposed game to get the kids to gossip was forgotten and unnecessary. Bella and I had a natural closeness in our actions that spoke louder than any act could. There were murmurs all morning. When it leaked that we were the ones holding the audition later on, it exploded. Until then, it alternated between boring me and amusing the hell out of me.

The particularly nasty remarks were held over until lunch. I'd convinced Bella to come outside with me to avoid the bulk of it. Wrong decision. Heading for the parking lot, my keen ears picked up on our names.

"What do you think really happened to Grey?" A female voice.

"Probably walked into a wall! Have you seen her in gym? Totally uncoordinated." That voice I knew; Jessica. There was bitchy cackling.

"Maybe Edward did it!" The first girl again.

"Got himself worked up in the car." A guy joined in the gossip.

"Shut up!" Jessica. The guy must be that Troglodyte she spent car time with before me.

"I hear the little freak girl likes it rough too... Did you like it Jess?" Definitely the same dude.

"Shut UP! I didn't DO anything with him..."

There was giggling and I felt my temper almost at boiling point as it went on.

"I'd bet they tried to cram all four freaks in his pansy-ass car at once and that's what happened. One of 'em was giving it to her from behind and the other one's dick slammed into her face..."

No longer able to control myself even slightly, I left Bella's side and stormed over towards them. "Hey! You have something to say? Say it to me!"

"Huh? What are you talking about Cullen? I've never had a thing to say to you before, why would I start now?" He wore a smug fucking look on his face that I wanted to wipe off. Not only that, but his thoughts were about saving face. He was determined to be the big man on campus.

Getting right up in his face, I lowered my voice. Bella had followed me over and I didn't want her involved. "You worthless shit. Say what you want about me...you think I give a damn what you think or say about me? Think again. You are nothing," I hissed menacingly. "NOTHING to me. Understand? But if I ever hear you say...even THINK...one more disgusting thing about Grey, I'll rip your fucking head off. Clear?"

He was shaking. Scared shitless, really. But he had to keep the show going. "Aw, Cullen's defending his little freak. Does that mean you got her already?" He was backing away as he taunted me, drawing himself into the core of his group of friends. Big, big man.

_'Edward! Stop it! NOW!'_ Alice screamed in my head and then suddenly, she was at my side.

"You really don't want to make my brother any more angry than he is," she smiled sweetly as she stepped between us._ 'Edward,_ _back off and let Jasper handle this.'  
_  
He replaced Alice, with a hand on my shoulder. _'Easy Edward. He'd be a cinch to kill, but he's not worth it. Get control.'_

"Alice is right. Edward here, has quite a nasty temper. It gets ugly real fast and believe me, you don't want to be party to it."

Fuck you Jasper...messing with my mind...I struggled to keep his mood control clear of me while I deciphered the screaming thoughts coming at me. It was pointless. All of it. I wanted to kill the bastard. And whether or not it was Jasper's intention, he had just started the newest bit of gossip...I was a crazed lunatic with a violent streak, exiled to this small town in the middle of nowhere because of it. And the asshole on the other side of Jasper wasn't fully convinced - or his pride was stronger than his fear.

Jasper continued regardless. "You can't win either way. Edward would destroy you and all these people here..." He spread out his control to the already weak-minded gawkers. "They all saw you provoke Edward. He had no choice but to defend himself."

It worked amazingly well on some who began talking their friend down. Others ran to alert staff members. I was feeling calmer, but not at ease. That would take some time. As much as I detested being controlled this way by him, I understood that he only used it on me when necessary and I did value his skill.

"Alright guys? Chill? We're all good?" Jasper slowly stepped back, his easy drawl enticing the crowd who still remained.

_'He's going to come at you from behind.'_

Alice warned me as I turned away to return to Bella. Even as he lunged at me, I was turning back, ready for him. As his fist swung, I grabbed his arm and held it while I kicked his legs out from under him. I'd had enough encounters of this sort with humans I couldn't kill so publicly that I knew how to knock them on their ass while not completely crushing them. By holding onto his arm, he didn't slam hard enough onto the frozen ground to break his back or skull open, but it definitely winded him.

"Told you..." Alice sang out with a smirk. It was meant for both of us.

A flurry of activity erupted as kids reacted and teachers arrived. They tended to the prone asshole before directing me to the principal's office.

"We have zero tolerance for violence here Cullen. You'll be out," Mr Douglas, the largest member on staff informed me. He would know; he was always the man called on to break up fights.

"It wasn't his fault!" Bella cried out in my defence. Others joined in, thanks to Jasper's preparatory talk.

"I can't miss today," I said as the group of us were ushered inside. "I have a project after school..."

"Should've thought of that earlier son."

Panic set in as I realized I'd really fucked this up. If I wasn't there for the auditions with Bella, she'd never forgive me. Jasper took his place beside me to keep me under control.

_'Stay cool...'_ Alice took her place in my head, reminding me of our need to be 'normal'.

I glanced at Bella as I was led into the private office. Her face reflected the panic I'd felt for her. She knew she was in this alone.

* * *

Jasper went to lend support in his special way for the auditions. Alice stayed with me.

"She's okay Edward. Just relax." Alice was getting frustrated with my constant brain-picking. "Just stay out for a second and let me concentrate."

The principal had not been impressed by the altercation, but with the backing of several other student witnesses thanks to Jasper and his power of pursuasion, and a long talk with Carlisle, I was handed a suspension rather than expulsion. He was not impressed either, but he was understanding. Always supportive. I hated letting him down. Worse, was letting Bella down.

"Okay, I got something. Wanna see?"

"No. Tell me. It's weird for me watching your visions."

She smirked at me. "You're going to kiss her. Tonight."

I raised an eyebrow in interest. "And her reaction?"

Giggling, Alice patted my arm. "You'll like it. Does she know? Edward, she's so cool about everything...like, not freaked out by any weirdness..."

"I haven't said a word!" I blurted, slightly annoyed that Alice would even consider that I'd go back on our coven's pact to keep our secret.

"Okay then...this human is something really special then..."

"Told you." It was my turn to gloat.

My anxiety returned as the students began pouring out after the auditions. Bella was last out, walking with a tall, thin girl who I recognized as a friend of Jessica's. The quiet one. Her thoughts weren't invasive. I tapped in to see her motive for being with Bella now and got girly stuff only. They were talking about set design and how to accommodate everyone. I smiled sheepishly as they approached me. Alice ducked away with Jasper and left me to it.

"I'm so sorry...for leaving you alone with that. That was really stupid to go after him that way..."

Bella returned my smile and stood in front of me. "We'll talk later..."

"How was it? Are you okay?"

"It was awesome!" The quiet girl offered her opinion. "She's awesome!"

Blushing, Bella grinned at her new friend. "Angela hung out with me. Kept me from totally freaking out. Thanks a lot."

"Any time. It was fun! And I just want to say, that was really horrible earlier." She was addressing me now. "You had every right to flatten him. He can be such a pig. I'm sorry you got in trouble for it."

She was one of my supporters who'd spoken to the principal on my behalf. It wasn't entirely due to Jasper's influence either, she liked Bella; liked her originality. Hated the rude gossip about us and the way her friends treated us like outsiders. Angela was genuine, her thoughts told me. I smiled warmly at her. "Thanks for filling in for me."

We dropped her off at her house a few blocks away, the girls relating all the things I'd missed. I hadn't, in fact, with Jasper there to feed me his thoughts, but I played along in ignorance.

Once alone, Bella turned to me with concern in her eyes. "How bad is it?"

"Suspension. 3 days. At least they didn't kick me out." I grinned crookedly.

"I'm sorry," she frowned. "If you hadn't been standing up for me... Angela told me. How did you hear them anyway?"

I shrugged. "Wish I hadn't. But I don't regret calling him on it. My only regret is the timing and putting you in a tough position. But you seem to be handling it well." I offered an encouraging smile.

"It's hitting me more now. Angela was a huge help. She did the rough part for me, thank god...I'm kinda shaky and anxious and I don't know why. I really need a Coke."

"You really need to eat! You skipped lunch as well. We'll stop somewhere - what do you want?"

She looked around as we sat at an intersection. "There's a deli on the corner. We can grab some sandwiches?"

"And a Coke," I grinned, turning the corner to park on the side street.

She ordered, I paid and explained that I'd already eaten. We took it to go.

"Do I have to take you right home? I won't be seeing you for awhile...I'd like to spend some time with you. But not if it gets you in shit at home."

"I already cleared a day pass," she quipped. "Renee said it's cool...but not too late. What do you have in mind?"

"I still owe you a song right?" I grinned. "One-on-one."

"We're going to your house?"

Bringing a human into a house of vampires unexpectedly was really not a bright idea. "No. It's this place I go to...you'll see."

_'Hmm. So, it's not a private deal after all. And he doesn't want to take me home with him...'_

"I'll take you to my house another time. But I really wanted to show you my place. It's a little cottage I found near the house. I go there to be alone."

"There you go again, reading my mind." She teased me with a smile._ 'We will be alone. Wonder if he thinks the rumours are_ _valid...wonder if he thinks I'm easy...what if he tries something...'  
_  
I parked as close to the edge of the forest as possible and helped her navigate along a narrow path to my favourite place. It was already in shadows but Bella lit up when she saw it, running to have a look just as I had when I stumbled upon it the first time.

"Oh my god! This is so great!" Her hands ran along the stone and mortar and she peered into the cross-paned windows. "Can we go inside?"

"Yeah yeah. I broke in weeks ago." Grinning, I let her in and saw her shiver immediately. "You're cold. I'll start a fire for you."

"Geez, it's colder in here than outside." She rubbed at her arms, hugging herself for warmth.

Wishing I could warm her myself, I quickly gathered some firewood and carried it in. "Sorry. The stonework is beautiful, but it does keep the cold in. Um, there's some blankets in the other room if you want. In the cabinet."

I went to find her once the fire was lit. She was admiring the antique furniture. "This was here," I explained. "Nothing in the other room though." I gathered up a bunch of pillows and she carried the quilts out behind me. I set her up in front of the fire to warm up, sitting several feet away from her on the floor.

"You look uncomfortable." She sat on the pillows, knees tucked under her chin with two quilts wrapping her.

I smiled in response. "I'm fine."

"You can share with me..."

"I'll make you colder."

"So what are you going to play for me," she asked, spotting my guitar case in the corner.

Retrieving it, I returned to my spot on the floor and began strumming while I decided what I'd play. "Okay. I know you won't know this one, but I love it. And it's supposed to be electric but there's no power here so... See if you like it anyway."

She did. A smile spread across her face, mixed with awe not only that I'd learned so quickly, but she was shocked by my singing.

"Wow! Cullen, you can sing! I feel totally inadequate now!" She was only teasing but I put down the guitar and moved closer.

"You're not," I said softly. "Did you like the song?"

"Beautiful. Did you...you don't write too, do you?"

I snickered. "No. Definitely not my work. It's one from a band called OCS. If you like it, I'll put some on your iPod for you. Good stuff to listen to before bed. I always feel relaxed when I listen to them."

_'I'd rather have a copy of your version...or you playing for me in person...'_ "Great. Hey, are you trying to get me off the Black Parade for good?"

"I'm trying..." I grinned with a shy laugh. "Is it working at all? Bella...sometimes you seem so...distant. Why is that?" I inquired very gently, as her thoughts faded from me even as I asked. Not gone, just faded and unclear. Why Bella? Please explain it to me!

She stared down at her hands, picking at her nails as she avoided my gaze. "That's... I dunno. You know how I said I'm trying to just be normal? For my mom? That's the only way sometimes. It's like.." _'Would he understand?'_

"Bella, I know we haven't known each other very long, but you can talk to me. I'd like to help you."

"You can't," she said in a whisper with a sad smile lifting one corner of her mouth. "But thank you for wanting to. It's not you, honestly. It's just something I have to deal with on my own."

Like me with my immortality. I understood. Perfectly. "Well, you are aware of my superior listening skills, so if you change your mind..."

_Will I turn my coat to the rain  
__I don't know  
__But I'm going somewhere  
__I can warm my bones_

_I won't feel like  
__I'm on the outside  
__Of the circle..._

_(Ocean Colour Scene)_

* * *

_A/N ~ I'm pretty certain Edward can get her story out of her at this point. I'd be taking him up on his offer, fo' sure! ;)__  
Thanks for sticking with me while Edward discovers his human side. All comments are so very appreciated! THANK YOU! XX ~ SR_


	13. Chapter 13 Bittersweet Symphony

_**Bittersweet Symphony**_

_Well I never pray  
__But tonight I'm on my knees yeah  
__I need to hear some sounds  
__That recognise the pain in me yeah..._

Bella laughed softly, ignoring my offer to listen and unwrapped herself. "Whew, getting warm in here now! Can you feel it?"

I shrugged. "Barely. I wasn't cold so I guess it doesn't seem any different really. Are you too warm now?" I didn't have a clue about human comfort. And obviously, even my vampire charm wouldn't get her to open up her secrets hidden behind that damned cloud.

"I can take my jacket off, I'll be fine. Unless...are we staying awhile?"

"Sure. Why? Do you want to go?"

"No! I..."_ 'I want him to kiss me. But...what if he wants more?'_

"Does your nose still hurt?" I hadn't picked up any indication of pain throughout the day, first time all week.

"It's fine..." Her eyes locked on mine.

I traced a line under one of her darkened eyes very lightly. "The bruising is starting to fade."

"Turning green." She laughed and poked her tongue out. "Purple's cooler." Taking my hand between hers, she held it before placing it against her cheek and then her lips. "Thank you for taking care of me." She spoke so softly I wasn't certain if it was a thought. She kissed my hand several times before letting it go. It went back to her cheek, as if on it's own accord.

"Bella...I'd like to kiss you. Could I?" Good question. I'd never kissed someone I didn't intend to kill. I didn't know if the anxiety I was feeling was fear of that desire with her or 17 year-old virgin anxiety.

_'Yes!'_ She held my hand again and inched nearer. "Yeah. You can..."

I held my breath as I moved in, not wanting her alluring scent to attract me further. She seemed as nervous as I was and moved at the same time, colliding with my head.

"Oh! Shit, sorry..." she giggled.

"You okay?"

Nodding, she chewed on her lip. "I'll just wait for you."

I nodded in agreement. "Be still..." As I was inches from her lips, she began giggling. I pulled away. "What?"

"God, I just remembered my dinner. I taste like salami. Gross."

"I don't care." I didn't. I just wanted to see if I could pull this off.

"You're sure?"

"Positive..." I moved in once more and again, the laughter started. "Bella..." I sighed. "You're not making this easy."

"I'm sorry...nervous..."

I sighed again and moved so I sat beside her. "Okay. We don't have to do this."

"I want to!"

I smiled over at her and took her warm hand in my icy one. Her fingers were so tiny. I held them up to my lips and gently kissed them, then the back of her hand. "There. That's good for now."

_'He kissed my hand...no one has ever...that's enough for him? Really?'_ She stared at me seriously. "Really Edward? You can be satisfied with that?"

I don't want to kill you this instant, even though I'm tasting your skin so yeah...perfectly satisfied. I grinned at her playfully. "Okay, maybe just one more." I held her hand up again and this time turning it over to kiss her palm softly. Pushing the sleeve of her hoodie up, I kissed her wrist as well drawing a sigh and giggle from her. She's been kissed, but not like this. It pleases her. It pleased me to please her.

She rested her head against my hard shoulder and closed her eyes, sighing contently as I trailed my fingers along hers and up her wrist. After several passes, I felt something on her skin...bumps. I held it up to take a look.

"Bella? What's this from?" She had scars on her wrist. Upon closer examination, they resembled tiny letters. 'CRS'

She blushed and pulled away, tugging down her sleeve.

"I'm sorry..." I apologised immediately. "I crossed your line there, didn't I?"

_'I should just tell him...' _She gazed at me sadly, so much sadness behind her eyes. "It's...initials," she began quietly. She held her wrist up for me to see. "Charles Riley Swan. My brother."

I frowned in confusion. "You said you didn't have a brother." First she did, then she didn't, now she does. Permanently etched in her skin.

"I don't anymore." A single tear flowed down her cheek. "He died."

"Oh. Shit. Bella, I'm sorry. I..." This explained her sadness. "You were close," I stated, realizing the depth of her pain. If I lost Alice...and she wasn't even my real sister...

"My best friend," she confessed. "He was called Riley, since my dad's Charlie. He was 6 years older than me and he was the best brother..." A tiny sob escaped and she paused to collect herself. "When my parents split, it was horrible. My mom smothered me, staking her claim on me. Charlie acted like Riley and I didn't exist. Got a new girlfriend and moved on, sending consolation gifts for holidays. Riley was already in university, off on his own so it didn't affect him the same way. But he saw what it did to me..."

I felt helpless as I watched her sob into her hands. Fuck, what had I started? I wasn't prepared for anything like this! Awkwardly, I draped a quilt over her shoulders and drew her against me, my hand on her back. She snuggled against my granite body, somehow.

"He was so awesome. He'd come pick me up at school, sometimes pull me out of class and we'd go goof off together. Just me and him. He acted like I was the most important person in the world. I wasn't a nobody with him...ever...now that he's gone..."

"Bella, it's simple. He saw you like I do. You are someone special. You can believe in that." This was her loneliness. Her sense of isolation. The only person she believed in, who thought she was important enough to ditch everything for...was gone. This is understood. If I didn't have my family, my support system, the only ones who knew me as I am, I'd be worse than Bella is.

Once again, she amazed me with her strength. She was as much on the outside as I was, but completely alone with it.

"Will you be okay?" I'd parked on the street a few houses down from Bella's. She had cried on me for a good hour or more during which time, I had difficulty separating the open stream of thoughts from what she was actually saying to me. It was like I'd opened a floodgate. Since we left the cottage though, utter silence. It was unnerving.

"Sure," she replied quietly. "Sorry for that. I know that wasn't what you had in mind when you suggested we hang out. Shitty day all around for you, huh?"

I ignored her attempt to joke, staring at her intently. "Bella, I'm glad you told me. I know it wasn't easy for you. This day has been much harder on you."

She had told me about his death; a job site accident. When it happened, she was at school and the principal had come to get her so she could go home and find out she would never again see her brother. She had been in the middle of a reciting a speech in front of the class. That is what came to her mind every time she had to get up in front of a crowd and speak.

And I had left her alone to do that for us.

And then drawn out the painful story she never speaks about.

Clearly, I had no clue how to deal with human relationships. This one in particular, because she was so different, so intense about real issues, not the drivel the other girls pissed and moaned about. It made her vastly more interesting and also more terrifying. I had no right to be fucking with her. She deserved better.

_'I've ruined it. He might understand this part, but it's too heavy for him. He's so gonna bolt...'_

She was on the right track with her thoughts. I couldn't see this through. "So I'll see you sometime next week I guess."

_'Blown it!'_ "I don't have free reign on when I can go out, but I don't have visitor restrictions. You could come over...unless you're grounded too?"

Not looking at her face, I shook my head. "I'm going to go visit my brother. Might as well take advantage of my extra long weekend, right?" I smirked.

_'Avoiding me...'_ "Cool." She stared blankly at my hand on the steering wheel. _'It's my fault he's suspended, only fitting that I'm sending him running to avoid me altogether.'_ "Look, I feel really bad that all of this was because of me. You don't have to defend me anymore. I don't care what they say about me anyway."

"But you do." I countered and stared at her profile. "You do care. They have no right to make things up about you. They don't even know you." And I shouldn't know you...

_'See, thing is Edward...it's not entirely fabricated... Ha! He'd go LIVE with his brother if he knew me for real...'  
_  
Moving my hand to her cheek, I tilted her head so she was forced to look at me. "Bella..." I wanted to cut it off right here and now, before it got worse for both of us.

_'God...he's doing it again...'_ "There you go again Edward, looking into my soul."

And I see me bringing you more pain that you just can't endure... "You might want to fix yourself before you go inside," I advised softly and flipped the visor down for her to use the mirror.

"Holy shit! I'm a total mess!" _'Fuck! No wonder he's going away. Now I look even worse on the outside than I am inside.'_ She dug for some tissues and wiped at the smeared eye make-up, cringing at the pressure needed to remove it from the tender areas where the bruising was the worst. "Sorry, this could take awhile." She found a half bottle of water in her bag and tipped some onto the tissue to start over with frustration.

"Here, let me help." I followed her lead and gently wiped an eye clean while she worked on the other. Then I held her face to examine the results. "Much better," I whispered before placing my lips against each eye.

_'Oh god...why did I have to fuck this up? He's so...perfect. It would've been really good...'_ "You're great Edward. I just want you to know that." She kissed my cheek quickly and left the car, running up the street to her house without looking back.

* * *

"Edward! I can't believe you're here!" Rosalie greeted me with a hug and excitement when I showed up. "Em's out. He'll be back soon though."

"You look great Rose. New York agrees with you?"

"I don't know. It's strange being away from you. I miss you all so much! And the weather isn't great here so we're stuck inside a lot..." A smirk passed over her mouth. "Which isn't entirely bad."

Rosalie and Emmett were extremely affectionate vampires and not the least bit shy. I'd known Rosalie longer than the other 'siblings' but we shared a different relationship. In some situations, she was my sister. Sometimes my brother's wife. I was closer to everyone else, no matter what our pretense. Still, I hadn't seen her for months and I had to admit, I missed her as well.

"It's overcast now," I grinned. "Let's go."

We linked hands and ran down the stairs of her apartment building, daring each other on the last two flights to jump rather than take the stairs. She kicked her heels off and went for it. With a laugh, I followed. She was fun when she wasn't being prissy. Appearances meant a great deal to her in her human life and she carried that over. It was when she cut loose and was playful I enjoyed her the most. She jumped on my back and I ran her to my car.

"No way Edward! I can't ride in this. It reeks like human! What the hell have you been doing?"

I ignored her question and got behind the wheel of her car instead. "Top down?" I grinned.

"Absolutely!"

She directed me to the highway, where we sped along getting stares from people who only saw two idiots who should be freezing laughing their heads off in a convertible. Making me drive down to Manhattan, she took dragged me into store after store, spending money like there was no limit.

Really, there wasn't. We had no need for budgets when we could have Alice predict the lottery or a stock boom. We got odd looks at our free spending and Rosalie lapped up the attention.

"God, we would have made a gorgeous couple," she commented as she stared at our reflection in a store window.

"As humans? We'd have killed each other," I laughed.

"True. As vamps too!" she winked and swatted my butt. "Thirsty?"

I shrugged. I wasn't desperate yet.

"We should stop on the way home. There's a place with your favourite not too far from our apartment!"

Okay, so maybe I was interested...

Emmett was waiting for us when we returned, thrilled to have me visiting as well. I was in great spirits having had my fill of mountain lion. As much as I detested the hunt, the kill, the feeding...something very primal grabbed me when it came to that prey. I could resist most others, but even fully satiated, I couldn't thwart my desire for it's blood.

"God, I'd never leave that hill if I lived here," I laughed as Rosalie related our hunt to Emmett.

"Good. You and I've got a date out there tomorrow," he grinned, slapping my back. "You're staying awhile?"

"I got a few days off school, so yeah." I filled them in on my latest antics.

"God! Humans are so revolting!" Rose was put off by the remarks of an asshole, just as I had been. "Even suggesting you'd be involved in something like that...Alice is your sister! It's disgusting. You were right to flatten that pig. He deserved worse."

Emmett smirked at me with interest. "I have a feeling it wasn't entirely about defending his sister's honour. Right bro?"

"Not entirely," I admitted.

"What? What did I miss?" Rose leaned forward with renewed interest.

"Edward's got a new interest." The smirk stayed on Emmett's face as he told Rosalie about Bella.

"So it's a game?"

"No," I denied hastily. "Not at all. She's...vulnerable. I couldn't play with her that way."

"They're ALL vulnerable dummy! They're humans!" She smacked my leg to emphasize my stupidity. "What's so special about this one?"

"She's an anomaly. She can resist a vampire," Emmett chuckled. "Edward can't read her all the time. He's obsessed with finding out why."

"So? It is a game of sorts then. You're not like, in love with this human are you?"

I hesitated before denying that as well. "I feel something for her. She's different. The more I know about her, the more I realize I've never encountered anyone like her. She's sincere...real. Honest."

"Holy fuck. You're in love with a HUMAN!" Rosalie was appalled.

"I didn't say that..."

"You don't have to, you dumb shit. It's blatant. What are you thinking!"

A chuckle of amusement came from Emmett. "I can't read his mind, but I'm pretty sure I know what he's thinking..."

"Fuck off." They'd ruined my mountain lion high and I was pissed.

"Don't get grumpy. We'll stop teasing you." Emmett slapped my back amicably.

"I'm not teasing," Rose countered. "It's asinine to get involved with a human this way."

"It was asinine of me to come here to try to sort through it," I snapped at them and left the room.

One of the many ways it sucks to be a vampire is the not sleeping bit. I was now stuck with these two 24 hours a day, without even the reprieve of going to sleep to get away from them. Instead, I selected a book I actually hadn't read and didn't speak again until I'd finished it. 307 pages later, Emmett convinced me to go for a run with him.

"So listen, don't take Rosalie's reaction to heart man. You know how she is..."

"Yeah. I do. And that's why I can't understand why I thought it would be a good idea to come here right now."

Rosalie resented humans. Human girls in particular. She fully embraced her vampire life, especially that part about eternal beauty, but there was still many human things she missed. I should have known she would react badly towards my interest in Bella.

"Duh! You came for the perks!"

"Mountain lion?" I grinned.

"Me!" Emmett laughed as he tore a limb off the tree top he was perched on and tried to poke me off my own tree. Having won the race he challenged me to, he then suggested a climb. I'd have to let him win something or he'd keep at it until he did, so I let him push me off the branch. I nearly destroyed the tree on my fall down, taking several sturdy branches with me. He roared with laughter from above and I relaxed a bit with the sound of it.

"You could change her." Emmett spoke to me quietly as we sat by the stream, watching the bubbles in the slow-moving water as the rain pelted it.

"No. No way." I knew he was trying to be helpful, but I was adamant about keeping her intact as a human.

"What are your options then?"

I shrugged. "I dunno. Leave?"

"You can stay with us if you want to. It'd be great having you around. Of course, you'd be bored as hell until we could get you a valid high school diploma that's current enough to get you into university with us."

I grinned at his sincere offer. "Nah. I don't want to mess up your thing with Rose. You'll be newlyweds soon."

"Again!" We said in unison with a laugh.

"So what are you going to do?"

Good question. "I'll wait it out. I'm involved in a project with her for school. I feel obligated to stick around for that, but when it's done...I should go. Leave her to her life without fucking it up even more."

"You could give it a try. You know, the relationship thing. It's really not so bad." He gave me an understanding grin.

"And if I kill her?" I asked quietly.

He shrugged. "There's risk in every human relationship. Maybe you won't." He stood up and offered me a hand. "Maybe it would be the most amazing thing you'll ever experience. Think about it."

_No change, I can change  
__I can change, I can change  
__But I'm here in my mold  
__I am here in my mold_

_And I'm a million different people  
__From one day to the next  
__I can't change my mold no no no no..._

_(The Verve)_


	14. Chapter 14 Space and Time

_**Space and Time**_

_There'll be no lullabies  
__There'll be no tears cried  
__We feel numb 'cause we don't see_

_That if we really care  
__And if we really loved  
__Think of all the joy we'd feel..._

I did think about it, but didn't utter another word in regards to Bella, nor my feelings towards her over the next few days. When I returned home, an anxious Alice awaited me.

"Edward! Did you go see Bella?"

"You know I haven't Alice. Don't play the innocent game," I teased. "Emmett and Rosalie send their love by the way."

"Yeah... thanks..." She was distracted.

I saw why. "Alice! Fuck! You can see Bella now too? Why are you fucking with her? Just leave her alone Alice, please!"

"Don't growl at me! I didn't go looking for it, IT came to ME. Because of _you_, most likely. You know, because she thinks we're twins and she's missing you..."

"Don't go into all that shit. I don't want you messing with her, period! And if you DO see something, keep it to yourself!" Jesus this family could get on my nerves. Did everyone's family interfere this way? I stormed up the stairs inside to get away from her.

"Even if she's in danger?"

That got my attention. "What? What did you see?"

"NOW you're interested?"

"Alice...please...no attitude. I know I deserve it...shut your brain up! I can't think with it screaming at me! You said she's in danger, just tell me!"

"I'm not getting specifics Edward, sorry. There's just a thick darkness around her and she's...hollow..."

Fuck. I knew what she was seeing.

"She needs you." Alice was at my side once more, eyes pleading with me as her thoughts implored me to go to Bella. "Now."

Sighing, I turned around and raced back to my car. Shit. I hadn't made any resolve as to how I'd handle my feelings towards her and here I was rushing off to bury myself in it again. I had some serious issues.

Not giving myself time to back out, I went directly to the front door and rang the bell. Her mother answered shortly. A small smile passed over her stress-worn face when she saw me.

"Come in." She held the door open for the vampire who desired her only living child. "It's good to see you again. You've been away?"

"Yes, visiting my brother... Isabella...is she okay?" I forced a polite response, but I wasn't interested in small talk. I needed to see her. "Can I see her?"

"Sure, of course you can. But Edward, I should warn you honey...she's not really herself right now. She may not respond."

I frowned at her cautioning. "Should I go up to her room?"

"You're here." A tiny, weak voice came from the top of the stairs. My eyes followed it up. Her hair hung limply around her clean-scrubbed face. The bruises had faded so I was seeing a whole new Bella. No make-up, no bruises. Just Bella. But not Bella. She didn't look hurt, or scared, or even sad. She looked...void.

"Hi," I called up with a smile and a small wave. She didn't respond. Was she upset with me again?

"Bella, can we talk?" Nothing.

"This is what I meant hon, I'm sorry." Renee gave me a sad grin, obviously feeling bad for me.

"Bella..." Frowning, I made the decision to do something I didn't want to do. "Grey... would you rather I call you 'Grey'?"

Her eyes drifted towards me, though it didn't seem as though she was quite seeing me.

"Is that it? You'd like that better? Grey...are you alright?"

A tiny voice responded, with something that almost resembled a smirk. "I'm not okay."

"Could I take her out for awhile? Maybe she'll talk to me?" I asked softly.

"Of course...if she wants to. Sweetie, do you want to go out for a little while? Get some air?"

Bella walked down the stairs, like a zombie, looking through us at the front door. She opened it and walked outside, as she was - in sweats and a tee, barefoot. I grabbed her shoes by the front door as Renee pulled a jacket off the hook and passed it to me. I chased after Bella, who was already standing by my car, waiting obediently. That was the only word for it; obedience.

She held her arms out as I pulled her jacket on for her and then I helped her inside, putting her shoes on as well. I buckled her in reached across to set the heat on high. Before moving away, I held her face in my hands to get her to see me. She stared at me blankly. I kissed her forehead softly and closed the door.

"Not very talkative huh?" I said to fill the utter silence in the car. "Well, do you mind if I do the talking then? I'll tell you about my long weekend, okay? My brother's place is awesome, you'd love it. It's not far from the Catskills so we did a lot of hiking. Do you hike at all?" I paused to see if I'd get any type of response and continued when there was nothing. "My family loves hiking. We go a lot. Even if you don't like the outdoors, it's just so beautiful there. His apartment is on the 18th floor and it has an amazing view of the mountains. So cool. I read a whole book in between staring at them from the window. There's snow on them already. Do you like snow?"

Her body shivered. Was that a response? Or was she still chilled? I redirected the heating vents towards her.

"I'm used to snow. Lots of it. I don't mind it at all. Of course, I have no warm blood to tell me I should be freezing so I guess that's why I don't mind it." I acted like I was joking, but it was the truth. I caught a glimpse of the corner of her mouth twitch. "Hey! Was that a smile?"

Nothing in response.

"Okay, so maybe not. Are you okay Grey? Can I do anything for you? What do you need?"

Nothing.

"Do you want me to keep talking to you?"

Her head turned just the slightest bit towards me. "Please," she whispered.

Grinning, I went on. "His girlfriend, Rosalie, dragged me out shopping. Not one of the highlights of the trip, but it filled a day. They're getting married next year, as soon as school finishes. She shops constantly. I don't even know what the hell she's buying but 'it's for the wedding!' is her favourite line lately."

Glancing over, I saw that she was still trying to tune into my voice so I kept at it. "I thought we could go to the cottage for awhile? Would you like that? I should've called Alice and got her to go start a fire... Alice is the only one who knows about my place... aside from you, of course. She won't bother us though. Have you been going to school?" I thought a direct question may get a response now, but still nothing yet.

"Oh! Know what else I did? I ate a hamburger! I think I've told you, I don't really eat much...special diet...but you seem to enjoy them, so I thought I give it a try." I had, too. I'd wanted to see what would happen if I got stuck and had to eat something with her. If I was going to be spending time with the human, it was likely to happen. My experiment was a total fail. It went down with a lot of effort but bringing it back up later on was fucking brutal. I still didn't feel too well. "Yeah, so that didn't go so well. I'm not really a fan, to be honest. I don't know how you can like them so much."

"Burgers are great. You didn't have the right one." It was very quiet, very monotone, but it was a response.

"Alright! You're hearing me! I'm not wasting my time after all." I grinned over at her and saw her eyes locked on mine. She seemed to be seeing me now rather than staring through me. "You okay? Still cold?"

"I'm peachy."

"Peachy?" I chuckled. "Well, okay then. We're here." I unbuckled her seatbelt from my side before going around to get her out. "I don't want you to get hurt walking in the dark, so I'm going to carry you, okay?" I thought for sure I'd get a strong denial, instead, she held her arms out to me.

As I picked her up and cradled her against me, I struggled not to panic. God...I'd forgotten how fucking great she smelled. "You smell so good," I whispered against her hair as I started walking. I smiled to myself as I thought about how her honesty was wearing off on me. I hadn't meant to say that to her.

Inside, I set her down on the old bed in the small room rather than putting her on the cold floor. I lit some candles and grabbed the quilts to wrap her up. "Sit tight, I'll get a fire started and then move you out there where it's warmer. Okay?"

She gave me a slight nod.

What the fuck was wrong with her? I wondered as I busily broke up wood. I'd seen her distant before but this was frightening. Once it was flaming, I placed the screen in front and returned to Bella.

"You still doing alright?" I asked softly.

"Sit with me?"

I complied with her request, placing another quilt between us. I wanted to be close to her but she was shivering already.

"I need a Coke."

"I'm sorry? You need a coat? Here, take mine..."

"No! COKE!" Clear, strong voice. Okay then.

"Oh... I don't have anything... Grey, if I go get you one, will you be okay? You won't go anywhere?"

"Where would I go?" she asked in a whisper.

I wrapped her and locked up the cottage and ran to the nearest store, purchasing a six-pack and some snacks as well as a burger. I didn't know what other requests she'd have and I didn't want to leave her again. I found her exactly as I'd left her, but her eyes seemed a little more focused and she did present a very small grin when I held up the Cokes.

She drank one down thirstily and opened another, just picking at the burger. "Sorry... I'm trying to get my head clear..." she mumbled to me. "Give me a few minutes okay? This will help." She sipped on her Coke again.

"Take your time Grey. I'm not going anywhere. And you can stay as long as you'd like." I sat on the edge of the bed and watched her. I could be patient.

"I'm sorry..."

"Shhh. Nothing to be sorry for. I'll wait."

"Don't call me that."

I lifted an eyebrow in confusion.

"It sounds stupid when you call me Grey."

A smile replaced my frown. Good. It felt stupid calling her anything but Bella.

"You're not wearing your piercings..."

She was clearing. "Nope. Took them out for my trip. The Upstaters are kinda uptight," I smirked. "I just got back and haven't put them back in yet."

"You _just_ got back? And you came to see _me_?"

"I've been gone for days! I had to come check out the patient," I teased her lightly before turning more serious. "I'm worried about you, if you don't know."

Her eyes drifted upwards to look at me; judging my bullshit level?

"I _am_ worried Bella," I said softly.

"This is freaking you out," she stated.

"No no..." I began to deny it but stopped. "Yeah. I've never dealt with anything like this Bella..." Not just dealing with a very troubled girl, but dealing with a human. Quite possibly I was biting off more than I could chew, but obviously, I couldn't stay away. "But I'm trying."

"You changed your mind."

"Huh? Sorry? I changed my mind about what exactly?"

She shrugged, flicking the top of her Coke can. "About me. You left..."

"Not because of you!" _FOR_ you...because of me. "I needed to see my brother."

"For a new challenge? New distraction?"

I shook my head. "For advice. He knows about you now."

She smiled, a full Bella smile. "You can have one...I won't drink all of these." She held a can out for me.

"No thanks. Not on my diet," I smirked.

"Oh. You're serious about a special diet?" She was getting more coherent by the second and I was realizing she wasn't zoned out earlier, just unresponsive.

I nodded, staring into her eyes.

"From when you were sick? More residual shit?" Her words were slurred slightly, but she recalled everything, including the term I'd used. It was a good sign.

"More residual shit," I grinned. "We'll just keep the drinks here for you for next time."

_'Next time...'_

A thought! I'd been watching her closely and she hadn't spoken those words! "You're feeling better."

"Yeah. Getting there." She set her can down and moved closer to me. "What did your brother say?"

I squinted as I grinned at her. "I can't divulge private brother talk!"

She made an awkward attempt to roll her eyes and swatted my arm.

"He said I'm being stupid. I should give this a try," I told her honestly. "What do you think?"

She grinned, blushing. "I'd... Edward... I bring a lot of shit with me. More than you know."

"Me too," I whispered.

"Maybe... Maybe we could help each other?"

I nodded. "You first. Bella...what was that? At the house, in the car..."

She smirked. "Not me. That's the me they want me to be. Emotionless." She seemed to be pondering what to tell me. I couldn't get anything from within so I hoped she would. "Medicated," she stated.

"Oh. Always?" I tried to keep my reaction neutral.

Shaking her head, she fidgeted with the cushion on her lap. "No. Only when I 'act out'. They think it's to help me, but it seems more like... a punishment."

"How did you act out? You mean, when we came here that last time? Where you too late?"

She chewed on her lip, pondering some more. "Too sad."

My eyebrows raised in confusion. "Being sad is acting out?"

"Apparently."

"Bella...I feel horrible! If I hadn't made you talk about your brother..."

"No! No, it's not your fault. I need to. I've kept it in too long. I feel like he's disappearing entirely because even saying his name brings out the pills and I'm sick of it." Her words and posture were angry and frustrated but her voice monotone. "See? I can't even get angry."

"The pills are for depression?" I asked gently.

"They 'level me'. Keep me 'balanced'. But it's an illusion. It doesn't prohibit my thoughts, my pain...it just _TRAPS_ it all. Turns it...grey..."

"Grey," I repeated with full understanding. That's what kept me out, not Bella. Her fake name was a statement of her mindset. "What would happen if you didn't take them?"

A grin appeared. "You get craziness, like the other night. I think about rebelling...staying out...with a cute guy..."

I smirked. "You mean being a teenaged girl?"

Nodding, she blushed again. "And I get intense and blubber all over the cute guy..."

"You get sad... Bella, that wasn't craziness, it was emotion." I would know, because I'd been going a little crazy myself since I'd met her. "I hope you're not embarrassed about that. I understand. I may not handle it the best way possible, but I don't think you're crazy."

"You handled it great," she said softly. When she looked up at me, a tear shimmered in her eye. "I haven't felt like that in a long time. It was...you were great."

The tear dropped from her eye as I reached out for her. It hit my hand. Staring at it, mesmerized, I drew it to my lips to taste it. She watched in silence as more fell from her eyes and I leaned towards her, gently brushing them away with my thumb.

"Bella, you don't have to hold back your emotions for me. Ever. The energy you have during those times you say are 'craziness'...it's amazing. It's what drew me to you. It's _YOU_. And it's perfect."

A sob came out as she wrapped her arms around my neck, pulling me towards her. "Uh-oh... I have to warn you Edward. This may be a long one, like last time," she teased as she clung to me. I could feel the wetness from her tears through my shirt already.

"It's okay baby," I murmured as I held her in my stone arms. "I'm not going anywhere." For now.

For a long while perhaps. Emmett's advice seemed very sound to me.

_Oh, can you just tell me  
__It's alright (it's alright)  
__Let me sleep tonight_

_Oh, can you comfort me  
__Tonight (it's alright)  
__Make it all seem fine_

_I just can't make it alone..._

_(The Verve)_


	15. Chapter 15 The Drugs Don't Work

_**The Drugs Don't Work**_

_I hope you're thinking of me  
__As you lay down on your side  
__Now the drugs don't work  
__They just make you worse  
__But I know I'll see your face again..._

Bella cried herself to sleep. So exhausted, she didn't even stir when I lifted her off me to place a pillow between us. I didn't want her to freeze. I watched her for hours, sleeping peacefully with her arm draped around my waist. When I saw it was nearing midnight, I knew I had to wake her. With regret, I called her name softly. It drew no response. I pressed my cold lips against her head and she mumbled something and instead of flinching or cringing at my icy touch, she turned into me more, snuggling in even closer. How could she do that?

"Ughhh...Bella!" I whispered in frustration. I didn't want to wake her; didn't want to take her home and leave her, but it had to be done.

Once I got her alert enough to move her, I re-dressed her and placed my own jacket on her over top of hers and then I carried her back to the car.

"Go back to sleep my sweet," I whispered as I secured her in her seat.

When I pulled into her driveway, she awoke with a start. "Noooo! I slept...I missed all our time!"

Smiling gently, I helped her out. "You needed it. We'll have more time. Come on. I see your mom waiting at the door."

I supported her by her waist, her legs still wobbly from sleep and medication, up the stairs where Renee waited - not angry, but concerned.

"I thought she wasn't coming home..."

"I'll always bring her home," I vowed as I helped her inside. "She had a good sleep. I didn't want to disturb it too soon."

Renee nodded, but her thoughts were skeptical. "Feeling better honey?"

Bella nodded, her hand still gripping my shirt at the waist. "Thanks for spending time with me," she said as she turned to face me. "And the talk...and understanding. For everything..."

I stared into her soul as she liked. "I'm going to come see you in the morning. If you get some more rest, you can come to school with me, but if you're still tired...I'll just come back later on, okay?"

She nodded with an appreciative grin, her eyes locked on mine.

I pulled her phone from her pocket. "I've just added myself to your contacts, okay? You can call me...any time. Any time at all Bella. For any reason." I was now feeling her slipping away again and I didn't want the greyness to return. "Bella?" I pleaded gently as I stooped to be closer to her. "You can do this...you're strong. So strong..."

Her eyes lit up as she smiled that beautiful Bella smile, and then she planted a very quick kiss on my lips, squeezed me tightly and ran up the stairs. I was left with her mother, who'd witnessed the whole scene and was staring at me curiously.

"I should go..."

"Just one minute? Please, I'd like to talk to you. It won't take long." She ushered me out onto the porch. I already knew what was on her mind. "You seem like a very nice boy. And you've been a really good friend to Isabella today, but Edward, she's not as strong as you think she is. She may be fine with you, and that's great. That's wonderful! It's like seeing my old Isabella come back." She wore a sad smile.

"But when you're not here... Edward, I don't want her isolating herself or being destructive. I guess what I'm saying is...be her friend. Somehow, you reach her; you can get in." Her eyes moved to mine and held my gaze steadily. "But only if you can stick with it. The in and out, back and forth with this, is rough. She hasn't had a good friend in a very long time."

"I understand," I said quietly. I did. But I couldn't promise anything, as much as wanted to. "I'll do what I can for her."

Another sad smile. "You seem very sweet. I just...honey, Isabella is a very troubled girl and you're still a kid yourself. Professionals couldn't even help her so I don't want you getting in over your head."

Hmph. Too late. I just nodded my understanding.

"One more thing before I let you go. And I really hate that I'm even saying this, she would kill me..."

I smiled as a frown formed on her brow, knowing full well this wasn't about her fragile emotional state. "I'll be respectful."

"It's just easy to take advantage of her situation..." she hurriedly explained.

"It's okay." I turned on the full vampire charm. "I would never do anything Isabella didn't want me to do."

_'That's what I'm afraid of...'_

"My mother would kill me if I wasn't a complete gentleman." I grinned as I continued around her thoughts. "At the very least, disown me."

_'He's a momma's boy...awww... Maybe this one can be trusted. I don't have many options right now...'_ "Thank you Edward. You're welcome to come around here any time. And I hope this wasn't too awkward for you."

* * *

Bella was dressed and waiting for me in the morning. I felt a little disheartened when I registered shock from her that I'd actually shown up. Then I reminded myself it was a good thing. I couldn't completely fuck her up if she had no expectations.

"How do you feel?" I asked with a warm smile, greeting her on the porch.

She scrunched up her face. "Anxious for school...I must be crazy!"

I laughed and took her bag from her. She was clear.

"Mom, we're going!" She called out unnecessarily, Renee was right there. "Oh! Um, by the way, I had a Coke last night. 2, actually. I thought you should know."

Renee frowned playfully and swatted her backside with the dish towel in her hand. "You know better! But thanks for being honest about it sweetie."

"You're not allowed Coke?" I asked, in the dark on this one.

"No...she's not...sugar doesn't agree with Bella. Caffeine is just evil!" They laughed together and Renee mouthed 'Thank you!' over Bella's shoulder as they embraced.

"My mom has an honesty thing..." Bella explained as we drove off.

"As does her daughter; except when it comes to plotting no good. Why did you ask me to get you Coke when you shouldn't be drinking it?"

"It's fine...it helps me come out of the stupor. Really. It's the only thing I've found effective." _'Besides you.'_

I scowled at her before chuckling.

"You do a good job of it too," she smiled shyly. "Was it really horrible for you last night?"

"Dreadful, yeah. I hated every minute of having you all to myself, sleeping on my lap," I teased her.

"And the mother talk afterwards?" _'Oh god, please don't tell me she told you not to have sex with me...'_

"What's that term you used...? Peachy?"

She returned my grin. "Great. But you're not peachy. Unless you're medicated as well and just haven't 'fessed up."

"No. Definitely not medicated. Are you saying your mother is?"

"Fuck yeah! Constantly! Except her happy pills just make her mellow..."

"Peachy..."

"Peachy," she agreed.

Interesting. Renee was also medicated, yet I could read her thoughts without clouding, but Bella's remained foggy and sporadic. Perhaps Carlisle could shed some light on that for me. I made a mental note to ask him about that later on.

* * *

Carlisle couldn't help. Aside from not knowing which drugs were in question, my mind reading in itself was unexplainable. His best guess was that it had more to do with Bella, herself, than the medication. Not having any resolve after our talk, I was left irritable. I shouldn't have approached Alice in that state, but I did regardless.

"I thought you said she was in danger." My tone was accusatory and it put Alice on the defensive instantly.

"Don't come at me like that! I don't even know the girl! Anything I see about her probably comes from you, asshole!"

"Yeah, well you were way off Alice and I could have done something stupid! Can you just stay out of it? Especially if you're getting it all wrong. I've got enough to deal with without your backwards interference."

"Fine! Don't ask me to look for anything then! And I won't bother telling you that you're going to have another issue to deal with after the weekend!" She wore a haughty expression that made me want to strangle her. Worse, she blocked me from her thoughts.

"What issue? What's happening this weekend?" I placed my demanding questions on deaf ears. She was pissed. "Alice, please...I'm sorry for being an ass. I'm just really on edge and I don't know what I'm doing...I don't want to make a fatal mistake. Please help me. Please?" My apology and pleading softened her.

Sighing, she placed her hand on mine. "You have to pay attention to time when you're with her Edward. You're being careless and not watching how the weather's changing. You're going to get stuck with her, alone, and unfed."

I was stunned. I was being careless. "Okay. Thanks."

"I don't see you hurting her. It's _you_ that's hurting."

I nodded, knowing exactly what she meant. With each passing moment with Bella, I desired her more and in a multitude of ways.

"I'm only warning you so you can alter it yourself," Alice advised. "I don't know her well enough, myself, to see whether or not I'm misreading. She seems incredibly impulsive to me."

To me as well. She'd already caught me by surprise a few times. If I had to bet, I'd say Alice was right on this one. So, another trip or illness was coming up - I'd have to avoid her again this weekend.

I was trying to figure out how to tell her on Friday as she was making plans to get together and rehearse. It wasn't a meager task, I soon realized as her mother even got in on it when I walked Bella to the front door after school.

"Hi guys! I'm running out to the store. Edward, why don't you keep Isabella company until I get back?"

"Great! We can try out some songs!" She grabbed my hand and yanked me inside with her before I could protest.

"I won't be long!" Renee smiled as she exited. _'Please don't let me down Isabella. I'm just starting to trust you again.'_ "Be good."

Bella rolled her eyes at the kiss her mom blew. "God, she's so...argh! Is your mom like that?"

I had no idea. Esme did gush over me, but I'd never had a guest over. "I guess," I chuckled and followed Bella's lead, removing my jacket and shoes.

"We'll go upstairs, all my stuff's there. Want anything? Snack, drink..."

"I'm good thanks," I smiled at her.

She grabbed herself an orange juice and led me to her room. It looked just as dark from the inside as it did from the tree by her window, not bright and girly like Alice's. The walls were bare and aside from her guitar, there was nothing that would tell me Bella lived here. I guess I had been too distracted to notice the barren decor the only other time I was actually _in_ her room.

"I know, blech...right?" Bella waved her hand around her bland room.

"You can read _my_ mind now?" I teased. "Do you actually live here? I mean, where's your stuff?"

"There!" She giggled as she pointed to her guitar. "And here." She pulled her iPod out of her pocket. "Oh, you missed my company!" Taking me by the arm, she turned me around to take a look at a very sad looking, sun-deprived plant. And a fish. It was still alive, at least.

"A fish huh?" I bent to have a closer look. It was attractive enough - for a fish.

"My best buddy!"

Her best buddy was dark crimson red; the colour of blood. I smirked at the irony. "Cool. Does it have a name?"

"Jake."

"Jake? A fish called Jake?" I chuckled.

"Don't laugh! He's named after the guy who gave it to me."

A flash of jealousy struck me and I wasn't so enamored with her fish anymore. "Same guy give you the dead plant?"

Her eyes flashed up at me briefly and then looked away. "No. No one gave it to me. I took it. So are we gonna figure out a song, or what?"

Somehow, I'd fucked up and her mind was not telling me any more than her voice. It must be the jealousy...a new thing to me. Determined to keep human jealousy from turning to vampire rage, I immediately softened. "Anything you'd like to play. I'm just here to help."

"Wish you had your guitar here. I've only got one..."

"Which you will play. I'll sing." I took it off the stand and passed it to her. "I've played for you, now it's my turn to listen." She didn't know that I had already heard her play, of course, many times from outside her window.

Taking a seat, she strummed out warm-up riffs before plugging in to her amp. We tried a few that just didn't feel right. When she took a bathroom break, I played around with her guitar. "Know this one?" I strummed a few bars and she got the song right away.

Smiling, my blunder from earlier seemingly dismissed, she encouraged me to continue with the game. I hit on one several tunes later that would stick as our song. '_Together_'...it seemed perfect.

Our first run-through felt right and when it was over, she collapsed back on her bed, guitar laying across her. I took it off her and replaced it on the stand.

"I don't think we should over-practice." I grinned down at her.

Smiling up at me she held her arms out. "Help me up?"

I took her hands in mine and pulled very gently, fearing I'd rip them out of the sockets if she resisted at all. She didn't let go once she was standing. Our hands intertwined and our eyes locked on each other, I felt an odd dizziness as I felt her warm breath on my neck.

"Bella..." I murmured, my voice raspy.

"Hey, I didn't have salami today." Her own voice was low and playful. She wanted to attempt the kiss again. Was I ready?

"Your mom..." I whispered.

"She's downstairs. I hear the water running in the kitchen. It'll be fine. Unless you don't want to..."

"I do Bella. You have no idea..." My tongue flicked over my lips. I could practically taste her.

"So..." She tipped her face up towards mine and her hands went on my waist.

I kept my eyes on hers as I lowered to meet her lips. I wanted to keep a visual reminder that this was someone I cared about, not prey. Her lips were soft and warm against mine and a low moan passed through them as I eased away. Oh god... I wanted to feel that again. I wondered if I could...

"Your mother..." I muttered and pulled away completely as I heard her footsteps on the stairs.

She poked her head around the doorframe and smiled. "Dinner in 15. You'll stay Edward?"

"Thank you but I really can't. I'm expected at home."

"Oh." Her face fell. She'd planned something special. "Another time then?"

I didn't agree nor disagree, just gave a grin that appeased her. "I should be going."

I followed Renee, and Bella followed me down the stairs. We stopped at the entry while Renee continued on to the kitchen.

"Keep practicing," I reminded Bella. "But don't over-play it."

She nodded and bit down on her lip. She was thinking of how they felt against mine and how I tasted. Funny, I was thinking the same and wondering how her tongue would feel. Would it taste different as well? Would I bite it if given the opportunity?

"I really have to go," I blurted. "Bella...you can call me. If you want." I could barely stand the thought of having to avoid her all weekend. It might be easier if I could talk to her at least. That was safe... I wouldn't desire so much if I couldn't smell her. I leaned in close to get another deep breath of her. "Call," I whispered in her ear and brushed my lips against her burning cheek. Why was she so hot suddenly? Her breathing quickened as well. She gave my hand a squeeze and smiled shyly. I felt like I floated to my car.

Today, I kissed a girl. A human. A warm, sensitive human girl unlike any I'd known in all my years. It hadn't been out of animal lust nor had it been coerced. And she hadn't cringed, shreiked and tried to flee like the others. No. This human girl was not prey. But I desired her more than I could any prey. A human desire, I prayed.

'_Cause baby ooh, if heaven calls  
__I'm coming too  
__Just like you said  
__If you leave my life  
__I'm better off dead...  
__  
__(The Verve)_

* * *

A/N ~_ Ahhh...only 15 chapters to finally kiss! ;)  
Thank you so much for following along patiently and, as always, for any comments. You're all awesome! XX ~ SR_


	16. Chapter 16 No One At All

_**No One At All**_

_You're a liar  
__You're a winner  
__An expert and a beginner  
__But you're no one at all..._

That human feeling returned immediately upon seeing Bella's name on my call display and a broad smile spread across my face. I would not see her today, but at least I would hear her sweet voice and perhaps I would even be graced with her musical laugh.

"I didn't wake you, did I?" Bella's response was quick an sincere when I picked up.

Smiling impossibly wider, I replied, "No Bella. You didn't wake me. Good morning. Did you sleep well?" I already knew she had. I'd watched over her all night, leaving only a few hours earlier to go for my hunt. I had only just showered off the remnants of my disgusting non-human feast when she called. And now, I could pretend to be human again.

It didn't feel like pretence so much these past days. There were moments I'd find myself forgetting to act human...I just felt human. Chatting with Bella over the phone was one of those times. It was easy to relax with her; be myself...at least, the self I wanted to be.

The human moments didn't seem to last quite long enough however, even on the phone. Bella unintentionally brought me back to reality.

"So Renee's in a great mood," she announced. "I have earned a 'free day'. Yay me! Wanna do something together?"

Fuck! I so did... "I'm sorry Bella, I can't." She was on such great spirits, we would have had fun together.

"Oh...you're busy. That's cool. Maybe later on?"

"I'm not busy, just..." Just a vampire, my sweet, lovely Bella. And my fellow coven member has foreseen me being uncontrollable today so you see, I simply can't risk dining on you.

"Edward...you're not well today, are you?" Her voice was filled with understanding and concern.

I hated making her worry, but it wasn't entirely a lie. Vampirism is a sort of illness, in some respects, and I was suffering from intense vampire tendencies even thinking about being near her...smelling her alluring scent. Touching her warm skin and watching the blush grow on her cheeks. Her lips against mine... "No, I'm not well today," I replied softly. "I'm really sorry. I would have liked to spend the day with you."

"Do you need anything?"

"Hmm...your voice," I murmured, lapping up her genuine concern. It wasn't an empty offer.

I was rewarded with the laugh I'd wanted. "I could come to you. Take care of you."

A lump formed in my throat. What the hell was that? "Uh...no...really, you shouldn't..."

"I won't bother you. I can just sit with you. Watch you rest. Get you anything you need..."

"Bella...I..." How could I put this without offending her? "I don't like people seeing me when I'm... There's just some days I have to be by myself." There. I said the words gently, with regret. I hoped that came across over the phone.

"I get it. I hate that you saw me like I was the other day," she replied. "Hey, you can't be worse than that!" She was teasing me now and I laughed at her remark.

"Wanna bet? I'm dreadfully pale and ugly. Just hideous."

"You're always pale. But still beautiful." There was a pause. She was thinking, and I couldn't tap in this way. Damn! "So...uh.." she giggled nervously around the stammering. "Okay, that was awkward!"

"I think you're beautiful too. The most beautiful human being I've ever laid eyes on," I said softly.

She turned silent once more.

"I really am truly sorry I can't be part of your free day Bella. When I'm well enough..." When I can control my lust for you... "I'll make it up to you. I promise."

"Edward, don't be silly! You don't have to make anything up for being sick! I just wish you'd let me help you..."

"You can't help Bella..."

"Even just be there for you, like you were for me."

The lump returned and I grimaced at the strange sensation of warmth and pain at the same time. "I wish I could let you do that," I whispered. "Bella, if there was any way possible that I could be what you need most...be normal...I would. Believe me." Please believe that, sweet Bella. You don't have to believe the bullshit I hand you; I don't want you to! But please believe I would change for you if I could.

"Edward...you are too sweet," she replied softly. "You're so different... Can you...would you please let me know if there's anything I could do?"

I smiled once more. "You can call me again later on and tell me everything you did with your free day. Every detail."

She complied with my simple request.

"Okay, so first I had a shower. Then I cleaned my room, did some laundry..."

"Wait...what exactly did you have to clean up in your room? There's nothing there to make a mess with?" I teased.

"Okay okay...I made my bed and stuff. Cleaned Jake's tank, watered my plant."

"Ah. Tended to your boyfriends' gifts."

"What did you say?"

What _did_ I say? What the fuck was I doing? "Sorry. Uncalled for. I'm just in a weird mood I guess. Please go on." I had no right to act out on my petty jealousy.

"You thought they were from boyfriends? Seriously?" She let out a little giggle. "Edward, no...the plant was my brother's. And Jacob is...was...his best friend. He gave me the Betta fish when I moved because it's a fighter..."

"Like you..." I finished for her. "Shit. I really fucked up on that."

"Dude! Way off! You're usually so close to the target too, that's just funny!"

"I'm really sorry Bella. I feel like a shit." I wasn't as amused as she was.

"It's not a big deal! Seriously...you'll never find something from an old boyfriend around here."

"Why is that?" I hadn't ever thought of her with a boyfriend until that day in her room, now I didn't see how it would be possible for her to not have had a few.

"I dunno. I guess I'm just not the kind of girl guys give things to. Anyway..."

That remark dug into me. I wanted to give her everything! How could no one have given her...something to remember them by or something to cheer her or just something that they knew she'd like. However, it didn't seem like she wanted to pursue the topic so I let it go.

"Then I got homework out of the way. You're taking Bio, right?"

"Yeah. I wish we had that together too. I hate my teacher."

"I hate the class. Period. And I missed the lab sessions so I'm totally lost."

"I can help you catch up. See if you can come out with me after school and we'll go gather some samples; do our own lab."

"When you're feeling better..."

"Yeah." For a moment, I'd forgotten I was supposed to be unwell.

"Hey, you know Jasper's in my class."

"Yeah? You could ask him to help you out if you get stuck. We've both taken this class before so it's all a breeze."

"Why are you taking it again? That's insane!" She pleased me with another musical laugh.

"Not many options. And it's an easy pass since we know the course already." And there wasn't a class in existence any of us hadn't taken at least a couple of dozen times.

"You guys are strange. Anyway, you know what's even more strange? I'd never heard Jasper speak...like, not a word...until that incident with Mike."

"Mike?"

"Oh my god, Edward! You seriously don't even know his name? The guy you levelled and got suspended because of. I thought you were bluffing!"

"No, I really have zero interest in the guy other than his big mouth. So his name's Mike huh?" I chuckled along with Bella.

"Yeah, so Jasper was a total shock for me. He has an unusual voice. Different accent. And it's really soothing."

Ah, Jasper's persuasiveness worked well on her. "Yeah. Jazz is cool. He plays mediator here all the time."

"Weird. I'd never have pictured that. He's so quiet."

"Mm-hmm. He's different at home though. With us, anywhere I guess. By the way, his accent? Texan."

"Cool. Maybe we can hang out sometime...you know, with him and Alice?"

"Maybe. They usually prefer to be alone." I prayed Alice wasn't plotting already. Fuck! She was already nagging me to introduce her to Bella, but I wanted her to myself for the time being. And bringing Jasper along would be too risky. He was the newest member of our coven and he'd been born and raised with human blood, not animal blood like the rest of us. Alice started on her own as well, but she saw herself joining us and came fully prepared for our special diet. Jasper still struggled from time to time. That's why he appeared so reserved in the presence of humans. He had to remain very focused.

We chatted on for at least another hour before she began showing signs of sleepiness. I let her go, claiming fatigue myself, and fled to her house to be with her in my own way.

Secretly.

Hidden.

A shadow in the night.

* * *

I'd had enough of spying on her and phone conversation. Sunday evening, I paid her a surprise visit in full view. Her mother let me in again, gasping at the sight of me with flowers.

"Oh gosh! You're so sweet! Isabella honey, come down. You have a visitor! Oh Edward, these are gorgeous!"

"Hey! You're feeling better! That's great!" Bella bounded down the stairs this time, excited to see me.

"Hi. Um, I brought these for you." I passed her the glass vase. "Your room could use some colour," I grinned. The flowers were an explosion of colour but the vase was stained in a blue and purple wash. When I saw it, I knew it was perfect. It was exactly like the shirt Bella wore in Alice's first vision of us on the riverbank.

Her eyes teared up, but she grinned and gave me a quick hug. She was blushing when she pulled away. "Wow. You didn't have to do this..."

"I know. So I did. And I can't take them back so you're stuck with them."

"Thank you," she whispered, admiring them. "I know just the spot!" Pulling me along, she started up the stairs.

"You stay here!" Phil's voice suddenly filled the entranceway. "Why does he even know what Isabella's room looks like in the first place?"

Renee went to him while Bella rolled her eyes. "Phil...they were practicing, that's all. I was here the whole time! He's a good kid."

"You know what? I'm a good kid too. Thanks for the vote of confidence," Bella chimed in, clearly upset.

"You are! Of course sweetie! Phil, she has been doing great..."

"Ugh! Can you not do this? Talk about me like I'm not here? And in front of my friend? Christ!" Bella was very distraught and glowing red with embarrassment and anger.

"Watch your mouth!" Phil warned.

"You know what? I'll just wait here while you put your flowers away Bella. Take your time. It's not a big deal." I grinned at her as I used her own words from the previous night. "I don't want to cause you any problems." I turned to Phil to attempt the charm again. "Really, I just wanted to do something nice for Bella. She's had a rough couple of weeks."

"Yeah. Since you've been around," he grumbled, not too far off his thoughts, but spoken more civilly. "And her name is Isabella."

"My name is Grey. But Edward can call me whatever he likes," she countered.

I bit back a grin. I adored her spunk. Phil detested it. He was the one pushing for the meds so she was more controllable. Ass. "Go on Bella. I'll wait for you."

_'Please! Please wait for her...'_ It was Renee's thoughts that overwhelmed me. _'And please be all that you seem. Be good for her...'_

And my spirits fell. I was nothing like I seemed and I could never be good for her. Regardless, I stayed and watched a movie with them. A very awkward night with the three of them sandwiched on the couch and me on my own in a chair, stiffly watching a film none of us had any interest in. We were granted a few moments alone for our good behaviour.

"I'm really sorry you got dragged into this. I don't know why you stayed." Bella kicked at the post on the porch as she spoke. I couldn't read her. I could never read her when I most needed to.

"Don't you?" I said softly and tilted her chin to look up at me. "I stayed because of you. Because there's no place I'd rather be tonight, than with you."

_'Holy fuck...'_ "Fuck," she murmured, her lips trembling. "You're so...I've never..."

I cupped her face in my hands and lowered my mouth to hers, placing a gentle kiss on her lips. Her whole body was trembling.

"I'm making you cold," I stated and stepped away.

"No. You're making me..." _'love you...'_ She bit on her lip and blushed. I guess I wasn't blocked from everything. But did I truly want her falling in love with me? At that moment, I did, so I kissed her again. Slightly deeper this time and she gripped me tightly as I did.

"Edward..." she whispered when our lips parted. "Thank you. I've waited my whole life for you."

As have I, my sweet, wonderful Bella.

The truth of the matter, I pondered as I made my way through the forest after my hunt, was that I was a different person entirely with Bella. She made me feel alive and she made me want to be a better man. Still frightened that my desire for her blood would someday take hold of the new man I wanted to be, I couldn't deny that the way she made me feel when we were together was worth the risk. I wouldn't leave her; not until she wanted me gone and out of her life.

I had to put my trust in her. She was such a smart girl...she would know when I was no longer beneficial to her. And she was strong. She'd be able to send me away and I would comply, I vowed to myself. The moment she didn't want me...need me in her life, I'd disappear.

Until then, I would do everything necessary to keep this wonderous feeling of being alive. I would hunt daily, to keep the monster in me fed and avoid temptation. I would make certain that Bella was making her choices of her own free will, not because I was charming her. And I would make every attempt to be as normal as possible, that included giving up my nightly tree climb to watch her.

That was not normal.

The better man Bella made me decided to give her space and as much normality as I possibly could. It would be a constant struggle, but well worth it. Without Bella, I was nothing.

A lurking, dangerous shadow made of stone.

No one.

_You're a hard rock  
__With your own space  
__You're a disgrace  
__But you've got your grace_

_But you're no one at all..._

_(Ocean Colour Scene)_


	17. Chapter 17 In Between

_**In Between**_

_Let me apologize to begin with  
Let me apologize for what I'm about to say  
But trying to be genuine was harder than it seemed  
And somehow I got caught up in between... _

"They are so adorable together." Bella and I sat off in a corner on our own in the cafeteria. She was watching Alice and Jasper sitting in their own private corner opposite us. Alice was on his lap, arms around his neck and their heads were pressed together as they conversed. Of course, I was the only one in the room who knew they were actually speaking.

"You're probably the only one who thinks so," I smirked. There were loads of nasty remarks floating around.

"I love how they don't give a shit. They just create their own little pocket wherever they want and it's like they're alone." Bella ignored my cynicism and continued on dreamily. "How long have they been together?"

"God...forever!" I quipped. "Seems like I've never known them not to be." I enjoyed working the truth into a sarcastic comment. My natural reflex was to lie, of course, but with Bella it was different. Just like everything else with her, I wanted to be able to be normal. And I didn't want everything about us to be a total lie.

"You said your brother's getting married, right?"

"Uh-huh. You remember that?" That had been part of my ramble when she was out of it.

She reddened slightly as she thought of hating that I saw her like that. "Yeah. I'm aware when I'm drugged. Just incapable of responding how I'd like to."

"I see. So are you off them altogether now or just letting them think you are and trashing them?" I'd realized after thinking about it for awhile that she was in the habit of doing that. It was a pill that I'd seen her drop from her window when I first began stalking her. If she fooled her mom routinely, she must be a fairly good little actress. We weren't so different, really.

"How did you know I do that?" She squinted at me suspiciously.

"I can tell when you're not medicated Bella. Now that I know that was the issue, I know when I'm getting you...as you are."

She grinned as she blushed a deeper red. Jesus, I loved it when she blushed. "I'm on a drug-free trial period," she admitted.

"So we'll just make sure we don't mess up and piss them off..."

"Pfft! It pisses me off because I'm fine...I feel fine. And that's what it should be about, right? I want to be able to get upset sometimes. I want to miss him sometimes, y'know?"

I nodded my understanding as I twisted the straw from my untouched juice. "Are all of your emotions muted? Like, it prohibits happiness too?"

"Definitely! That's what's so fucked up! They want me to be okay, get over the sadness and whatever, but if I can't be happy either, it's redundant."

"Agreed." I smiled warmly at her as I brushed some hair from her face. "Can you come with me after school for help with your Bio or not?"

"I'll call. I get a better reaction from Renee when she makes her own decisions without Phil's two cents."

She called it right. It was fine with Renee. Peachy. I went through the drive-thru to get Bella a burger before driving towards my house.

"There's an area that has loads of different mosses still growing. We can get samples and take a look at them in the lab at lunch tomorrow."

She nodded as she finished off her burger. "When do you eat?"

"Only when absolutely necessary," I grumbled.

"You don't get hungry?"

I shrugged. "Not really. And it makes me feel really disgusting so I only take what my body needs."

"I love eating," she replied.

"I've noticed!" I laughed and gave her hand a squeeze. "It's not a bad thing."

"It's not gross watching me eat all the time?"

Oh Bella... If only you could understand why we are so different in that respect. Eating a burger or a salad is vastly different from drinking blood. Though that little burger experiment of mine left me feeling much worse than I did after a warm drink. I realized my mind was wandering. "Not at all. You might have to remind me that you get hungry more often than I do though. Just tell me when you want to eat, okay?"

"What's your brother like? Does he look like you?" Bella's question didn't come as a surprise. She'd been thinking about how I always change the subject when she brought up my siblings as we dug up moss.

"Nothing at all like me," I chuckled. "He's fucking huge! You'd like Emmett. He's very easy to get along with. He doesn't take anything too seriously and he's always willing to help out. You should meet him when they come visit."

_'I haven't even officially met your sister and she lives with you...'_ "Cool." _'I won't ever meet Emmett.'_

"They're coming home in a few weeks," I commented casually. "Their exams are early so they'll have a long visit for Christmas. Alice is already planning a big homecoming for them. You should come."

_'Oh my god...his whole family all at once? I'd be so intimidated!'_ "Really? It's a family thing though...what if they don't want me there? What if they hate me?"

I stopped her as we walked and stepped in front of her so I was facing her. "Bella, first of all, they will love you. And secondly, they're all really curious about you as well. It should be fine." Provided we're all fed...

"_Should_ be fine...?"

"Well...how do I put this..." There would be tension for sure, but I didn't want her to think it was because they didn't like her. I also couldn't tell her it was because they may want to bite her, suck on her blood, possibly kill her. "This will be a new experience. They're used to me being a certain way when we're all together. It will be different for them. I've never actually brought someone home before." Rosalie would be an issue, but I kept that to myself. I'd have Emmett work on her prior to the meeting.

_'Seriously? It's not just me he doesn't want around his family?'_ "A true loner huh?" She smiled at me sweetly.

"Through and through," I smiled back. "But change is good sometimes, right?"

She smiled wider as her cheeks reddened. Mmmm...

"I should get you home," I said softly as my desire to kiss those rosy cheeks overwhelmed me.

"Oh." Her face fell in disappointment. "I thought we could go to your cottage for a little while. We passed it on the way through, right?"

We had. I hadn't realized she'd been paying attention. "It's gonna be cold in there. The car will heat up much quicker and it's not much further away..."

"I don't care about the cold."

I stared into her anxious eyes. I wanted to take her there. I wanted to keep her there. I wanted to carry her over the threshold and lay her out on the bed, strip her off and kiss every inch of her soft, warm skin. I wanted to taste her, to lick her and touch her and I wanted to know what it would feel like for her to touch me. "We shouldn't..."

"Please?" she pleaded, tugging on my arm.

I looked up at the sky as I felt the first raindrops fall. Sighing, I relented. "Just for a little while though."

* * *

I gathered wood as we went so I wouldn't waste any time with her. By the time we arrived, the rain had frozen into sleet and we were being pelted pretty good.

"Maybe you should call home and let your mom know you're okay," I suggested as I started the fire.

She did, much to Renee's relief and then passed me her phone. "You should do the same for your mom."

"She already knows...Alice would've told her."

"How would Alice know?"

"She texted when you were talking to your mom." The lie flowed out so smoothly and she bought it. I hated it. "You know where the blankets are, right? I'll get the candles. We should stay out here, near the fire."

Once she was wrapped up in front of the blazing fire, I remembered to offer her a Coke. No need for refrigeration; the can was already chilled.

"You don't leave anything for yourself here? That's crazy!"

I shrugged. "I don't come here to eat and drink."

"Why _do_ you come here?"

"Solace."

"Loner through and through," she teased.

I smiled and leaned back on my elbows, my legs stretched out in front of me. "I come here to think. Or read. I write a lot here. That's pretty much it."

"It is peaceful. I love being here." Her cheeks were such a healthy pink in the dim lighting of the cottage and her eyes glistened as the flame reflected off them. She looked so beautiful. The bruising was completely gone. Quick healer.

"I love you being here," I admitted softly.

She leaned over and gave me a kiss. I eased away and smiled at her when she seemed to want more.

"What's wrong? Oh! Do I smell?" She tested her breath in her hand and pulled a package of gum out of her pocket.

I reached for her hand and kissed it. "I just don't think we should rush things."

"Kissing is rushing things?"

"For me..." I shrugged. "Bella, I don't want to mess up. I want your mom to trust me with you."

She rolled her eyes. "You know, that would be an issue with anyone else, but she fucking LOVES you. Seriously. I swear, she'd adopt you if she could." _'Oh fuck! I shouldn't tease him about being adopted...'  
_  
I kissed her cheek gently and then smiled at her. "There's more than your mom holding me back, but I'm glad to know she approves of me."

_'Jessica...'_ "Are you into someone else?" Her voice was low and unsure.

"Not at all. Haven't we been over this?"

"Right," she smirked.

"Actually, that last time we spoke of Jessica, right before I broke your little nose..."

"You didn't break it! I walked into you!" she argued.

"And I yelled at you for doing so, remember? I was angry in the first place and then I took it out on you. That was wrong. It never should've happened!"

"So you're going to hold yourself responsible for an accident forever? And it's going to keep us from getting closer...or is that just a convenient excuse because you just want to be friends? You can tell me the truth Edward. I can handle it."

Can I? Could you handle joining our coven afterwards because my only other option would be to kill you? "Bella, I want to be close..."

"Then what's the problem, really? Just tell me." She frowned with frustration and I couldn't blame her.

"I'm the problem. I have issues with my anger." True.

"You get angry when you kiss me?" She had one eye squinted, dubious. She looked adorable.

"No. Not angry. It's not the kissing that would make me get angry Bella. I have issues with self-control, period. If I kissed you the way I want to, I don't know if I could maintain control." I looked at her with an intensity I didn't normally use on her so she'd know how serious this was. "Bella, I don't know if I could stop."

Her mind raced with thoughts of us in various stages of love-making and what she would and would not let me do. I blocked it. It was only heightening my desire and lust was so close to rage for a vampire...

"Have you..." She was on a different track now. I could tell by her look of concern...for me. She wasn't afraid for herself, she was concerned about _me_. Un-fucking-real.

"Bella, I basically just told you I could rape you and you're not frightened. Why?" I had to know why she had absolutely no fear of me. She had to understand that I was the most threatening thing she would ever encounter.

"You wouldn't..." she whispered. "I know that."

"You can't Bella," I said gently. "_I_ don't know that."

"Something happened...you can tell me..."

That concern was still there. Still no concern for herself. I couldn't tell her what really happened...I just had to ensure it wouldn't ever happen with her. I'd promised to keep her safe. That included, especially, keeping her safe from myself. Still, I was unable to come up with a suitable lie.

"I can't. Bella, I'm sorry."

"You can't tell me what happened or you can't be like this with me?" She held my hands in hers, her eyes pleading for me to open up.

I swallowed deeply, closing my eyes. Never had I wanted to just tell the truth so badly. "I can't tell you what I've done. You'd never see me the same way again." My voice was hoarse with raw emotion with this bit of truth. "Just know that when I told you before that I'm not nice, it's the truth. The problem is, you make me want to be a different person. I hate what I've done. I hate what I am. But when I'm with you...I..." My quiet words broke off.

"You what, Edward? Talk to me." Her hand stroked my cheek so tenderly, so lovingly. "Let me in. Please?"

"I don't hate myself when I can make you happy. When I do something that makes you smile, or laugh...I feel like I'm what I want to be." Human. A 17-year-old guy, falling in love for the first time with an amazing girl. "Bella, you've seen some incidents where I've lost control of myself. It scares me that it doesn't scare _you_."

"It doesn't. Because I see the guy you're talking about liking. You have no idea the kind of jerks I've known and you're worlds apart from them Edward. You're the most considerate guy I've ever known. Believe me."

"And the most dangerous Bella. Believe _ME_."

She was thinking. I gave her privacy. It was as much for my own sake because I didn't want to know what she imagined me capable of, even though I needed her to be aware.

"So, we don't rush things," she stated. "If we set a limit and you know it going in, would that be workable?"

"And if I can't control myself?"

She frowned. "I think you can, more than you know. We can try... I dunno... Set a ten second kiss rule? Or a hands rule..."

I smiled at her attempt to make this work. "What you don't realize is ten seconds is all I need to get myself worked up. Sometimes less."

"Yeah well, me too. It's hormones..." she giggled.

Laughing along, I stroked her cheek and wished it were simply hormones I had to deal with. "I love when you smile Bella," I whispered. "If I do anything right in this world, it will be that I only ever made you smile."

Leaning in, I pressed my lips to hers and held up a hand counting out ten seconds. She was giggling before time was up.

"I have to say that's not very romantic," I teased. "But better than no contact."

"Exactly. We can practice so we don't have to count it out, we'll just know." With one hand on my cheek, she did the leaning in and counting. "Mmm. Nice."

"One more?" I suggested. "Before I take you home?"

She smiled her agreement and we met in the middle, without counting. It was longer than the agreed time, but controllable. I really hated that I had to take her home so soon. I felt in control. And extremely human as I tried to adjust myself without Bella seeing. I swear, I could've blushed if I had blood in my veins. As it was, all my venom was occupying two locations only, mouth and...

"Edward, can we come back? For a longer time next time?" She was suddenly pressed against me in an embrace and all my discreet adjusting was for naught. She giggled when I jabbed her.

"Uh...yeah. Sorry about that." I laughed nervously and turned away.

"I feel the same!" Bella called out with a wink as she let herself out of the cottage.

Jesus...help me...

* * *

I had a long talk with Esme after taking Bella home. I was actually surprised that Alice hadn't already told her about my new interest, but it was a total shock to her. And she was thrilled for me, agreeing to do anything to make it easier to deal with a human who was bound to be around our coven sometimes.

With that out of the way, I sought out Alice to ask her advice on having Bella over when we were all here.

She squealed her delight and then looked ahead. "Rosalie _will_ be an issue but don't worry honey, Jasper will stick to her and make her behave. Got your back, baby! Oh my god...I can't wait to be friends with Bella!"

"Yeah...Alice..." I treaded carefully. "Can you take it a bit easy?"

"Edward!" She rolled her eyes at me. "Just let me handle it. I know we're going to be great friends! She's your girlfriend! This is so awesome!"

"Start off slow Alice. Don't overwhelm her."

"Your girlfriend!" She squealed again with excitement.

"Uh yeah. Glad we understand each other."

I escaped to the cottage to think without Alice pestering me and Esme gushing. Why couldn't they just be like Carlisle and Jasper? I got a slap on the back and a "Cool.". Of course, _'About time!'_ was thought by both, but it was to be expected.

Somehow, admitting my feelings for Bella to my family made it more real and I did panic just a little. Could I really do this? Even if I could act human and manage not to kill her; just love her and make her happy, was it fair to her in the end? It couldn't go on forever like Esme and Carlisle. Alice and Jasper. Rosalie and Emmett. Once Bella aged and I did not, the act would be up. There would be no eternal Bella and Edward. There was only the here and now.

And the lies...

She abhorred fake people. Liars. I was the biggest offender of what she hated most. Yet it felt real to me. Perhaps it's not a lie if I feel it's true.

Ultimately, if I truly was in love with this girl, I would have to keep up some level of secrecy. Utter some lies. Make her believe a fantasy...for her own sake. And for the sake of my family. Our secret had to be kept. Even if it meant lying to the girl I loved most in the world.

What I wouldn't do, was use my vampire ways to lure her closer to me. If her thoughts could be trusted, and I believed them to be genuine, she was already falling for me without my interference. She just loved me. I would always let her make her own choices, in a human way. I could not tell her the truth on everything, but I could do that for her.

And I would find some bit of truth in everything between my lies.

I had to. I was somewhere in between human and undead. Both felt real and both felt like a lie.

_But trying to be someone else was harder than it seemed and somehow I got caught up in between  
Between my pride and my promise  
Between my lies and how the truth gets in the way  
The things I want to say to you get lost before they come  
The only thing that's worse than one is none..._

_(Linkin Park)_


	18. Chapter 18 My Time

_**My Time  
**__  
My resistance is getting weaker  
I just can't take the pressure  
I can't be any weaker  
I've got to find me some of the treasure... _

"What are your plans for the day?" I asked when I called Bella Saturday morning, as promised.

"After laundry? Nothing. It's shitty outside."

It was perfect outside. No chance of sun and no fake illness. I could spend the whole day with her if she wanted to.

"You're a big outdoors person?" I teased, knowing she was not. She was quite pale for a human.

"Shut up!" she giggled. "What are you doing today?"

"Big plans. Very, very busy day..."

"But you found a minute to call..."

"Yeah! I was kinda wondering if you wanted to spend the afternoon together. Can you leave the house? You don't melt in the rain or anything, do you?"

"No, I don't melt!"

I could hear the smile in her voice. It made me smile too. "Great. I'll pick you up in half an hour."

I only had to deal with Renee, thank god. Phil was out. I politely refused half a dozen things she offered me to eat or drink while I waited for Bella. It was a test of my patience, for sure. What the hell was taking her so long?

I guess my impatience shone through by the time we were in my car. Bella gave me shit for my attitude...apparently it takes human girls longer than 30 minutes to shower and get ready for the day. "Deal with it!" My mistake.

After a few moments of tense silence, Bella spoke up again. "Where are we going anyway?"

I smiled over at her. "I was thinking of the cottage."

"Seriously?" Her grin was wide. "We're going there?"

"Yeah, I got an early start so it's warmed for you already."

The rain calmed to a light drizzle at just the right time for our trek in through the woods but Bella was still wet and cold when we got to our shelter. I sat her by the fire to warm up, giving her my own hoodie and a blanket. She shivered more intensely and I realized giving her my already cold clothing would not help. Such a stupid thing to do. No matter how much thought I put into being a normal, considerate boyfriend for my human girlfriend, reality would always kick me in the ass. I stayed as far away from her physically as possible so she could get herself warmed up. It didn't seem to take too long, nor did she seem put off by it. I avoided temptation to tap into her thoughts, in my attempt to be completely normal for a day. For Bella.

"You can come closer you know. I don't bite."

"Maybe _I_ do," I teased with an ironic grin.

"Tease," she taunted.

"Bella, you know the deal about taking this slow right?" I reminded her about my concerns.

Rolling her eyes, she shimmied over on her cushions and patted the spot next to her for me to sit. "I'll behave."

Though dubious, I complied and sat next to her, instantly feeling the warmth radiating from her beside me and below, where she had been sitting. It felt amazing. I stared at her until her cheeks reddened and she giggled nervously.

"I'm making you uncomfortable," I stated.

"You're so intense! What are you thinking of when you look at me like that?"

It was my turn to laugh nervously. "A multitude of things, really. Right now, I'm thinking how well you've healed. You can't even tell your nose was broken. That leads my thoughts to how easily damaged you are... and then to why are you sitting here with me? All the while, I desperately want to have contact with you; hold your hand...kiss you..."

"Wow. All that, huh?" She was staring at me intently now as well.

"Don't do that Bella... I'm trying to stay focused and you looking at me like that is only making me focus on one thing. The wrong thing."

"Why is it wrong?" she asked in a whisper of concern and confusion. "I know you're worried about...going too far, but Edward, a kiss is fine."

"Is it Bella? Is that enough? For you, I mean." I shifted slightly so I could face her, and took her hands in mine. "I asked you to come here today because I wanted to talk about this. I want us to spend more time together... I think you want that too?"

"Definitely!" She beamed with excitement that I was putting it out there, in words.

I smiled back at her. "I would do anything to make this a normal relationship, but I'm not normal. You know that." I stared directly into her attentive eyes. "Bella, what I'm trying to say is that I'd like you to be my girlfriend, but there are limitations. Can you handle that?"

She snickered as she rolled her eyes. "Can I handle a boyfriend who tends to me so meticulously? Brings me flowers? Listens to all my shit and lets me cry on him...and still comes back? Even without sex? Uh, yeah. I think I can deal, Edward."

Smiling shyly at her appraisal, I reached out and stroked her jawline. "So you'll be my girlfriend? You'll give it a try?"

"Fuck yeah," she whispered intently, amusing me.

"Okay, so it's only fair that I try to do things your way too." Cupping her chin, I drew nearer and placed my lips against hers, counting in my head. I felt confident enough to go for another right away and it went beyond our timing rule. "Mmm... Bella..." I groaned as I eased myself away. "I have to go get some more wood. Think of something we can do that won't make me want to ravage you, okay?" I made my request in a teasing manner but I was fucking serious. I wanted to do things to her... And it wouldn't be good.

"It's snowing!" I announced from the door. "Awesome! Come see Bella!" Huge flakes fell from the heavens, and the tree branches were already coated.

"Beautiful..." she murmured from my side, her arms around my waist. "Let me grab my coat!"

* * *

"So... You do like snow..." I teased as she shook the snow off herself at the door. We'd frolicked in the clean, newly-fallen snow like children until she got too cold.

"Only because you're here. You _really_ love it though! You're nuts!" She was giggling as she stripped off and went over to the fireplace. "Have you always had a thing for freezing your ass off?"

I laughed and hung our wet clothes up to dry. "I'm used to it. Spent a lot of time in this stuff."

"Where?"

"Alaska," I told her, as I sat on the floor across from her, my arms hugging my bent knees. "We lived there for a few years before coming here."

"Seriously? Jeez... I'd die..."

She really hates the cold. And here I am... I gave her a sad smirk before staring into the blazing fire. "It's actually really beautiful there, if you can take the snow and long winter. The darkness. I'm fine with it, obviously. And in the summer, it's so incredibly green and fresh... you'd never know it had been covered in several feet of snow most of the year."

"Do you miss it?" she inquired softly. "Your friends there?"

I smiled at her again. "I miss the beauty of the land, I suppose. I didn't have friends there to miss at all... just family."

_'He's more lonely than I am...'_ "I'm really glad you moved here. I think we were meant to meet and fill what's been missing from both of our lives."

I took some time to consider her statement, wishing more than ever I was everything she wanted me to be. She blushed with the intensity of my gaze while I thought and swallowed the lump in my throat. "You've been missing a science tutor, right?" I joked to ease the moment. "Did you bring your books?"

"Hell no!" she laughed.

"Not a problem. Mine are in the other room. Follow me..." I led her to the bedroom, where she immediately grabbed up a quilt and wrapped herself, feeling the cold air of the closed room hit her.

"My books are in the table right by you," I gently reminded her why we were in this room.

She sprawled across the bed, letting the quilt drop, to reach it rather than moving. Ohhhh Bella... My hands went into my pockets to avoid the temptation to grab onto her gorgeous ass lifted up in the air... Bella! I looked away. And swallowed about a gallon of venom.

"You keep a journal? Cool." Bella's voice brought me out of my torturous thoughts. "Oh, I didn't read anything in it," she said quickly when I looked at her. "It's personal. As soon as I realized, I closed it." She bit her lip and placed it back in the drawer.

"Good. It's pretty boring." I grinned to relieve her tension.

"I bet it's not. I think it's filled with all sorts of good Edward info."_ 'All the things you won't tell me... I want to read it... I can't read it... it's so personal... No, don't even think about reading it...'_

"You think there's good stuff in there?" I smirked. "Pass it over." I held my hand out for it. She thought I was removing it from her prying eyes. She felt guilty about wanting to read it. "I'll show you how boring it actually is."

She sat up and waited anxiously. "I bet I find out something new about you on any page in that journal!"

I cocked an eyebrow and sat at the other end of the bed. "Okay, let's see..." I flipped it open, randomly and read aloud. "Page 72. Tuesday. First day in the new house. Bored already. Will have to explore. Em challenged me to race him to the riverbank. I beat him, of course. He pushed me in the river. Esme was pissed at the mud I brought in with me. Might be alright here after all." I lifted my eyes to look at her. "Should I go on or are you sleeping already?"

She laid on her side, smiling. "Go on."

I flipped some pages. "Alright! Here's a good one...page 81. Friday. Spent the night at a little cottage I discovered. Rose has been irritating the shit out of me lately. We had a huge fight yesterday. Broke a lamp. Rosalie got the blame even after Emmett tried to fix it. I'll buy a new one after they're gone. I don't know what her problem is lately. Or mine, for that matter. Even Jasper can't help. I left to take the strain off Em for awhile. Alice says they'll be leaving for school on Sunday. I can put up with her until then. I'll miss them." I checked for her reaction again. "Bored yet?"

"You don't get along with your future sister-in-law?"

"We have our differences from time to time. That was one of those times," I grinned. "I feel bad for Emmett being in the middle of it."

"You wrote, 'even Jasper couldn't help'. What does that mean?"

I smirked at her. "I told you already. Jasper's a different guy at home. He's our mediator. He can usually smooth things out. Rosalie responds to him very well. He can diffuse almost any argument. Esme handles the fights."

Bella's eyebrow raised with interest. "You guys actually fight?"

"Um... occasionally, yeah..."

"See? There's something I've learned about you already. I never pictured you fighting with your family. You seem so agreeable. And really close."

"So are you satisfied? Can we be done with my monotonous life story?" I flipped the book shut and waited for her response.

"Just one more?"

Sighing, I re-opened it. "How do you do this? Make me do stuff I don't want to do..." I teased before reading the entry I'd opened to. "I discovered a way to escape the dullness of this existence. To endure the mundane, the ignorant, the self-absorbed..." I snickered as I read. "God, do I sound like an arrogant prick, or what?"

"That's just what I was thinking." She paused then nudged me with a smirk. "Joking...what else did you write? This is interesting."

"Wow. You are weird. I bore myself and you find it interesting. Definitely weird. Anyway... Escape, blah blah blah, mundane, blah blah blah... and then I write; She's a fireball in a petite package. She exudes energy. It's electrifying being near her. Since we met last week, I've felt a change. Could there possibly be a purpose for me being here? A reason to want to overturn my self-imposed exile and dare to live? My life, if it is so, exists with this energy I get from this precious gift. I'm not certain I even deserve it... a friend with a true heart; a vibrant soul. Be safe, sweet waif. Avoid me at all costs." I closed the book and stuffed it back in the drawer.

She said nothing and I didn't dare go into her thoughts. I risked a glance at her though. She was staring distantly, as if thinking about something very intently. "How you saw me... that's how I want to be. Always. I'm really fucking sick of feeling like shit all the time." She wiped angrily at a tear that escaped her eye. "And I'm really sick of crying to you all the time. You must be sick of it too."

I reached for her hand and wiped away another tear for her. "I just want you to be you, Bella. Feel what you feel. Whatever it may be. If you want to talk about Riley, or cry about him, go ahead. I'll listen. I'll be here for you. You can't be happy all the time, but you can certainly never be happy if you don't get your misery out."

She broke down in sobs and I held her again, whispering soothing words and stroking her hair. I could be a caring man...for her. I was in full control of my monstrous side because she needed the man I should be.

"I'm sorry," she sniffled against my chest. I don't know how she managed to snuggle in so well against a rock, but she seemed quite content.

"It's not a problem, Bella."

"It is though...I'm constantly crying on you and you're so sweet about it and I give you nothing in return."

"Bella? Did you not listen to what I read to you? From the day we met, you've given me so much more than I deserve! It's only grown since then." I eased her off of me so I could face her, still holding her.

"You do help me...give me what I need most. You accept me, Bella. You treat me like a normal guy, though in reality I'm anything but, you make me feel like I am and that's...I've never had that. Never." The damn lump returned and my voice wavered. I shouldn't be doing this. I shouldn't leave myself so open when I feel this weak.

"Edward..." Her thin voice came out as mine had.

I shook my head to make her stop. "I need a minute..."

She waited, patiently looking on with concern as I got whatever the fuck emotion this was under control. When I felt stronger, I looked at her again. "Bella, I need you to understand one more thing...I'm trying to be normal for you, but in reality, it's something that I can never fully achieve. Do you understand?"

"No," she replied honestly, the single syllable almost silent. "I don't understand why you won't share more with me if you know I accept you as you are."

"Because there's so much more to it Bella. Things I can never... I can _never_ change. I need you to understand that it's me... it's never you that makes this difficult for me..."

"Okay, now you're freaking me out," she admitted.

Good.

"You know what difference stands out for me? What makes you unlike... shit, _every_ other guy on the planet?"

Shit! Had I taken this too far and now she was seeing something she shouldn't? What had I done wrong?

"You take the blame for everything...even when it's not your fault. You are the only guy who not only doesn't try to make me feel like I'm the problem so he can have a reason to just leave - whenever - you put it all on yourself when it's not."

A little frown line appeared on her brow. This strange relationship was different for her in many ways. The fact that she had been left with no protection after her brother died made me want to be that shield for her even more. "Bella..." I murmured as I held her face and tipped it up to look at me. I had no words to offer, instead, I offered her a kiss.

I hesitated a fraction of an inch before contact, feeling her breath on me. She radiated warmth. I actually said a prayer to keep her safe and to give myself the restraint I'd need to keep her safe. And then I brushed my lips very gently across hers. Okay... in control. I applied a slight pressure, drowning in the warmth, the softness of her mouth against mine. Her lips parted and a gush of heat poured into me. I kissed her more deeply than I should have dared as the venom flow increased in my mouth. As it flowed, the passion of Bella's kiss increased. I fought an internal battle as to whether or not to end it. The venom itself wouldn't harm her; it was the intoxicating affect that it had on humans that would cause damage. It was her, giving herself to me, that would cause damage.

"Um, wow..." she panted as I reluctantly pulled away.

"Yeah..." I breathed, in full agreement.

"We should stop?" Her concern was for my comfort, not her own. She didn't want to stop.

I didn't want to stop. The man in me longed to kiss her that way for hours, as any guy my human age would. I convinced myself that was the desire I felt as I pulled her to me and closed my mouth over hers, the passion instantly returning. She moaned and pressed herself against me as my hands wandered up her ribcage.

That's it...give yourself to me baby...give yourself...

She unzipped the hoodie I'd given her, allowing my hands to go inside, another layer closer to her skin...her warm, delicious skin...

The desire to taste more of her overwhelmed me and I left her mouth to trace my tongue down her throat. "Mmmm..." I moaned, reaching what I knew was a danger zone. Give yourself...

"Edward..." Bella moaned herself, throwing her head back for me to access her throat easier.

Give...

I pulled away abruptly as I became fully aware of the monster taking place of the man. I'd sworn not to use my inhuman abilities to make her mine. And now here we were, me worked up and seriously needing to feed on something, I didn't care what, and her feeling like she'd let me down somehow. She was murmuring apologies as she zipped back up and tucked her legs up to her chest. FUCK!

A soft knock came at the door and I raced out of the room, grateful for the escape. Fuck I was thirsty.

_'Edward!'  
_  
Alice. I went to the front door and was shocked at the sight; the snow was past her knees!

"I messed up! What I saw? It was this weekend Edward, not last! The snow is the weather issue that will trap you. You have to take her home now. I brought you the SUV. It's parked by your car...which is buried, by the way! Are you okay?"

"Fine. Yeah. Thanks Alice."

Alice and her subjective fucking visions! My temper heated up once more, easily heightened by my thirst. Why couldn't she keep them to herself! Calmness prevailed when I realized it had actually helped this time. I had time to get Bella to safety. Away from me.

_I need nothing to be a man  
Because I was born a man  
And I deserve the right to live  
Like any other man..._

_(Ocean Colour Scene)_


	19. Chapter 19 Sweet Talk

**_Sweet Talk_**

_Dig me out from this thorn tree_  
_Help me bury my shame_  
_Keep my eyes from the fire_  
_They can't handle the flame..._

It was a quiet ride; not the kind of quiet I like, but filled with tension. I had no idea how to fix it, I only knew that I desperately wanted to.

"Bella, I'm really sorry. This is all new to me. I don't know how to act...how to handle emotions I've never felt. Honestly. Are we okay? Or are you upset with me?"

"You should concentrate on your driving," she stated flatly.

Okay. So she was upset with me. I concentrated on her thoughts instead. They were all over the place.

_'I really fucked up. He told me not to let it go so far...but we were just kissing! Okay, so it was pretty intense, but still... we can't make out, like, at all? What is his problem? Maybe he's really not so into me. Maybe he can only stand me for so long... He seemed like he wanted more though. A lot more...'_

"Edward, you should slow down."

She was referring to my driving. _That_, she could warn about on time...

_'I know he's gonna hate me when he knows everything anyway, but still... he's so understanding. If this is all a lie, a game, then why was he trying so hard not to cry? He couldn't have faked that.'_

Is _that_ was that was? I was crying? Dear god...is that how Bella feels when she cries or worse, when she needs to but can't? It was gut-wrenching pain. I had a whole new empathy for my emotional little human.

_'Typical guy... ha! Couldn't let it out. Hell no. Not in front of someone... in front of his girlfriend. HA! Or am I? Did he really mean that? He can't... he's only romantic like that when we're alone. He won't even bring me around his family. He's gonna use me. Dammit! Why couldn't he just cry! Why couldn't he just tell me what the fuck I'm not supposed to ask about instead of getting all pissed off that he was on the verge of crying... idiot.'_

"It's really dumb that you drove me home in this. Now you've got to drive all the way back on your own and I'll be worried."

"I'll be fine Bella. I'll call you when I'm safe, okay?" As long as you're safe Bella, I don't care what happens to me.

She nodded sullenly. "Please be careful," she whispered as she touched the back of my hand on the steering wheel and then left me alone in the SUV. Alone in my misery and hatred for myself. I truly was an idiot.

I brought her fresh flowers the next day. She told me aloud that I was an idiot for coming out in the storm for that. She didn't believe that I came out in the storm for _her_. I would weather anything for her. It hit me that all the time I'd spent in the very beginning hoping she wouldn't believe a word I said had paid off. Ironically, I only wanted her to believe me now.

They closed the school due to snow on Monday. I went to her house again.

"Okay, you're really insane!" She said it with a laugh this time so I felt a little more at ease.

"Are you insane enough to come out with me?" I tilted my head and gave her a charming grin before I got down on my knees. "Please come with me Bella?"

She kissed the top of my head and smacked me on the shoulder. "Get up. I'll go."

I drove very slowly...unnecessarily slowly. But she felt better at that speed so I went with it.

"Cottage?" she asked when we turned down my street.

"Nope! You're coming to my house today. It has heat." And cold-blooded blood-suckers, but hey...they're fed. And me, well I'm over-fed so that I don't cross the line between human and vampire again.

She gulped and paled. "Seriously? Will it just be us or..."

"My mom wants to meet you. Are you alright with that?"

_'His mom! She knows about me?'_ "Yeah. Great. You could've warned me though...I'm a mess!"

"You're beautiful!" I countered with a frown. I didn't see what the problem was at all. "Yeah, so my mom is there. And Alice. Is that cool?" I wanted them to get used to her before bringing Jasper into it. Carlisle wasn't ever an issue, but we'd all be on edge with Jasper there.

"Yeah. Cool."

She had a mild freak-out when she saw the front of the house. It was quite a bit larger than Phil's house. I pulled into the garage and led her through the door from there into the kitchen, where I gave Esme an inquisitive squint. She had the counter filled with plates of food.

"Uh, Mom? What's all this?"

"Food, silly. Manners?" She wiped her hands off on an apron... an apron?

"Yeah. Sorry. Bella, this is my mom, Esme."

She welcomed my little human with a graciousness and warmth that made me appreciate the kind of woman Esme really was. No one, living or immortal, had the capacity for love that Esme had and shared with those close to her. I gave her a kiss on the cheek before pulling a stool out for Bella to have a seat.

_'He really loves his mom...god, she's so incredibly beautiful! And sweet...I see where Edward gets it from...'_ "This is really nice of you. I wasn't expecting lunch. But it all looks great!"

"Bella loves her food," I said with a wink and wide grin. "Dig in. Don't be shy."

It took only a minute for her to get over the awkwardness of being the only one eating. She picked at the fruit platter after downing 3 wraps and a Coke. She and Esme chatted easily the whole while.

"Carlisle send his regrets; he's working today so he won't be joining us. Next time," she smiled at Bella. "But you've already met my husband...he told me about your mishap. You've healed beautifully."

"Yeah. It was great having personal care. I'm used to long waits in the ER," Bella grinned. "He's a great doctor. And having a human icepack right there on site didn't hurt either." Bella caught us both by surprise with her comment.

_'How much does she know?' _Esme glanced at me, eyebrows raised.

I played it cool, laughing along with Bella. "Good thing I'm cold-blooded. There's still a bit of Alaska left in me, right Mom?"

"Hmmm. You never complained about the cold." Esme, wonderful Esme, didn't miss a beat. "He'd come in covered in snow; a walking snowman, leaving puddles all over the floor. And it's difficult to give this one grief when his smile creeps up. He gets away with so much just with that smile of his! Always has."

Bella laughed along with her. "Tell me about it!"

"That's what got us hooked on him from the start. I don't know if he told you, but Edward was really very ill at one point. Carlisle was his doctor and well, he was just so special we were drawn to him instantly. I never imagined I'd have a son as special as my Edward. All because of that smile!" She pinched my stone cheek and I smiled for her. She was saying all the right things, making the truth out of our lies. Incredible woman. Or maybe I had been more truthful with Bella than I had thought.

"But you got laden with the other two brats along with me. That one bit you, huh?" I teased, as a brother who was obviously the favourite, would.

She swatted me again before turning back to Bella. "Have Edward show you the Alaskan photos. Oh honey, I'm so glad you came for a visit and I hope it's a regular thing. I just love that Edward has reached out for someone. He's such a lonely soul..."

"Mom!" I groaned. She didn't have to make it sound like I was a stray puppy. "Are you done? Can I take Bella and show her the house now?"

Leading Bella out of the kitchen, I made a face towards the kitchen. "Sorry, my mom is..."

"Your mom is so great. I'm totally jealous." Bella held onto my arm as I led her through the house. "She's so beautiful I should feel completely intimidated but she's soooo nice!"

"Your mom's cool," I countered. "Phil...I dunno..."

"He's an ass. But your dad is awesome too. You have a perfect life with a perfect family."

Oh Bella, if you only knew. I drew her attention to a collection of frames on a table by the piano. "Alaska, if you're interested." I answered all her questions as she admired each one and then pointed out another photo collection of family. "My brother Emmett, 'cause you were asking if we look alike. As you can see... uh, no!" I chuckled as she held it for a good look. "This is Rosalie..."

"Fuck! Man, she's hot!" Bella blushed as she realized not only had she said that, but loudly. "I mean... she's really gorgeous."

I shrugged. "Thing is, she knows it. Kind of ruins it. For me anyway. And of course you know Jasper and Alice... Esme, Carlisle... that's our family from Alaska." I pointed out the Denali coven, because I'd seen her eyes drift towards the lovely women with curiosity mixed with a bit of jealousy. "And yeah... that's it. Wanna see upstairs?"

She nodded anxiously and took my hand to head up. I showed her all the rooms before ending up at my end. "That's Alice's room," I tilted my head towards the closed door across from my own. "And this is mine." She went in without hesitation, marvelling at all my stuff.

"God! You must really think my room is shit. It's like a prison cell and yours is a 5-star hotel room! And loaded... look at all your books! And CDs! Your TV's bigger than Phil's," she giggled. "And you're so neat! It's kinda freaky Edward."

Laughing, I leaned against the door. "I picked up knowing you were coming. Had nothing else to do."

"Okay... so where'd you hide your bed?"

"In plain view." I nodded towards the futon against the wall. I had no need for a bed, but she would have no idea about that. "Takes up less space. We should go say hi to Alice before she gets in a snit." Bella hesitated, biting on her lip. "You don't have to be nervous. She's just my sister."

"Her door's closed. I don't want to intrude..."

I chuckled as I took her hand again. "Believe me, it won't be an intrusion. Alice is... well, you'll see." She had driven me crazy ever since I'd suggested bringing Bella home; she was more anxious than even Bella was to actually meet. "You worry entirely too much," I said softly as I caressed her cheek.

"You're looking into my soul again," she whispered, not breaking our gaze.

"Can't help it. It's beautiful." I leaned down and kissed her lips softly. She held her hands against my chest when we parted, with the intention of stopping me if I needed her to this time. "Mmm...maybe Alice can wait..." I murmured against her hair before dipping my head for another kiss.

_'Alice has waited long enough!'_

"Then again, she's probably pretty anxious..."

Proving my point, her door flew open as my hand lifted to knock. "I've been waiting forever!" She slapped my shoulder and gave Bella a quick hug. "Hi! I'm so glad you're here! I'm Alice, 'cause my brother's too ignorant to formally introduce us..." Another slap.

_'Oh! She's cold too... And she smells soooo good! I wonder what that is? Perfume? Her shampoo?_' "Hi. It's nice to finally meet you. Even though I sit right behind you in English." Bella smiled shyly at her. And just as quickly as she registered Alice's touch being like mine, it was forgotten. "Are we interrupting? I don't want to bother you at all."

Knowing I would question her stupidity later on, Alice glanced at me, batting her eyes. _'She won't ask about it, don't worry. Just like she didn't comment on Esme's portrait...you didn't think she didn't make the connection did you? Silly Edward!' _"Are you kidding? I've been waiting! Can I do your hair?"

"Alice! I asked you not to do this!" I hissed.

She responded by sticking her tongue out at me.

"Very mature," I quipped.

"Go away. It's girl time."

"Bella came here with me..."

"Oh get over yourself! You'll have plenty of time with her, now go!"

Mouth open at Alice daring to order me away, I looked to Bella for her reaction. She smiled and gave me a nod. "Okay then, I guess I'll go. Do you have your iPod with you?" Digging in her pocket, she passed it over to me. "I'll add some stuff while you two have girl time. Alice, don't do anything freaky. I swear I'll..." I hissed quietly in her direction, out of sight from Bella. "I like her as she is."

She gave me a shove while she pulled Bella inside and slammed the door in my face. I heard giggles from the other side and hung out to have a listen.

"Wow! You've got a great room too!"

"Aww! Thanks! I'll share with you. We're very close in size, you can take anything you like. I really want to do your hair... Edward said no, but who cares? He's got a thing about hair. Won't let me touch his... at all. Anyway, are you game?"

"I dunno Alice... what do you have in mind?"

She was tentative. I was shitting myself. I couldn't see what Alice had in mind for her but I seriously loved Bella's hair and the way it felt on my skin. If Alice chopped it all off like her own, I'd snap her tiny little neck with one hand as I lit the fire with the other.

_'Go away Edward! I know you're lurking out there and it's just creepy. Scram! And stay out of my head!'_

I went away, sulking.

More than an hour passed before I heard anything from them. I had put my headphones on for a loud distraction from their thoughts and voices. I could still hear them through two closed doors. As soon as I heard my name mentioned in Alice's room, I turned off the music and listened.

"...really likes you. I've never seen him like this."

"He's so special. I can't even...I don't know why he hangs out with me. He's just awesome."

"Aw! Has he kissed you yet?"

Alice! I was furious.

"He has...he's so sweet. So gentle all the time."

There was giggling. "Has he... you know...?"

Alice! For chrissake! Mind your own business!

"Nothing like that, no. It's like he... I dunno, you know him better than anyone Alice, has he said anything to you about me? I think he's afraid to go any further with me. I don't know why."

"Aw, sweetie don't worry! Edward's a gentleman, that's all. We were raised to cherish loving relationships. Jazz and I? We're so in love...we'll be together for eternity!"

"You're so certain!" Bella was amazed at Alice's emphatic statement.

"I just know. I believe in love and I believe in my Jasper. Edward will come around. He's just never found someone he can believe in. He'll do what's right, now that he has."

"Has he been hurt? Is that why he doesn't trust people?" Ah, shit Bella... that's your story, don't put it on me. I'm the one who does the hurting...

"Edward hurts himself more than anyone could ever hurt him. He's more than a loner. He's a self-imposed loner. And lonely. You've made a difference, you know. He's never brought a girl home."

"Never?"

"No one. Ever. Wow! Your hair looks awesome! Edward will love it! Have a look before we go show him."

"Alice, this is..." Bella sounded in shock. Good, or bad?

"Does that mean you like it?"

"Thank you!"

"Thank you, for keeping my brother from drowning in loneliness."

I put my headphones back on and pretended I was mid-song when Alice rushed in. _'Give it up Edward. I know you were listening.'_

"Yeah, about that... we're gonna have a talk, you and I!" I hissed quietly.

_'You'll forget all about it once you see...' _Alice grabbed my hand and pulled me towards her room anxiously. "Come see!" Bella was waiting for my appraisal.

I stood speechless, just staring at her. If not for the smile that lit up her face, her eyes, her soul...I wouldn't know it was the same girl. And yet, I should. This was the same girl that was in the very first vision Alice had shown me. Her hair was still dark, but with subtle red tones mixed in with her warm brown hair rather than her blue streaks. It was choppier, more edgy. Very rock goddess, yet somehow softer. I had an urge to touch it, press my cheek against it.

Alice had worked on her makeup as well. It was more muted, very sexy. It's lucky we weren't alone.

"Do you like it?" Bella asked softly.

"You look..." I swallowed the venom that had appeared out of nowhere. "You look amazing. Still you, but... wow..."

"Why are you so shocked?" Alice laughed. "See what I could do with you?"

"No. Don't touch him," Bella spoke up. "Alice, I love what you did with me, but Edward is perfect just like he is. I wouldn't change a thing."

"You look beautiful Bella," I reinforced how much I liked it. "It's just you. It's exactly how I see you, in my mind."

A tear rolled down her cheek as she blushed at my compliment.

"Ugh! You're gonna ruin her makeup Edward!" Alice slapped me on the back. Hard.

"Sorry...I..."

"It's fine," Bella sniffled. "Peachy, in fact."

We laughed at our private joke and I noticed Alice distancing herself as we moved closer together. I took another gulp as her hand ran through my messy hair. Oh my lord, she smelled just as good as she looked.

"I'll leave you two to get on with it now..." Alice chirped as she skipped down the stairs, leaving us alone in her room.

Bella looked up at me expectantly. I suppose I wasn't hiding my desire very well. I was producing venom at an unbelievable rate. I could hardly swallow it all. "Do you really like it?"

"What really matters is... do you?"

"I love it!" She smiled as she ran her hand through it.

"I want to do that," I murmured as I reached for her.

She took my out-stretched hand and turned it over, kissing my palm before placing it on her cheek. I stroked her before moving onto the hair. "Thank you so much," she whispered.

"Thank Alice. She actually did a really great job."

"That's not what I mean. Thank you for bringing me here. For Alice. Your mom. Just thank you... for being you."

"I want to kiss you," I stated bluntly.

She waited for it.

"I really want... I need to kiss you."

"Waiting patiently," she teased.

"Not here," I said with a rough voice.

"Your room?"

"Let's go."

_Let me fly  
__Man I need a release from  
__This troublesome mind  
__Fix my feet when they're stumbling_

_I guess you know it hurts sometimes  
__You know it's gonna bleed sometimes  
__Now hold on  
__I'm not looking for sweet talk  
__I'm looking for time..._

_(The Killers)_

* * *

_A/N ~ Posting a new chapter sooner than usual - a bonus for my faithfuls, for being so great with steady reviews. XX  
Also, the next several chapters will be a tad longer than normal as we work towards the plot twist... you had to know there would be a few with me. ;) Hope you don't mind. ~ SR_


	20. Chapter 20 Somewhere I Belong

_**Somewhere I Belong**_

_I will never know myself until I do this on my own  
__And I will never feel anything else until my wounds are healed  
__I will never be anything until I break away from me  
__I will break away  
__I will find myself today..._

Bella entered my room first, with me close behind. The instant she turned to look at me, I pulled her towards me and held her face in my hands as we kissed...and kissed...and kissed some more. My arousal was building rapidly, but it felt to me like a 17-year-old arousal, not an animal lust. I didn't want it to end.

"Come with me." I took her by the hand and led her to my couch where I sat, pulling her down on my lap. I swallowed back the excess venom that had pooled in my mouth during the brief break we'd taken between our kisses. "You'll need to stop me when it's time," I warned her.

"And if I don't want to stop you?" she whispered.

"Then it stops now. Bella..." I placed my hand on the back of her head. "I want you... so bad," I rasped. "I don't know if we... I need you to... argh!" Closing my eyes, I thought of just being 17. Being 17, with my girlfriend. It was natural to want this, but I needed help if we were to keep it natural.

"You're really serious about this," she stated softly, her eyes full of concern for me.

"I'm really serious."

"I'll stop you. I promise. Should we close the door?" Her eyes strayed to the open door, glancing into the hallway to see if Alice was around.

"No one will bother us," I assured her. Truthfully, I needed to leave easy access, in case I got out of control. Alice would know; she would come. Not wasting another second, I covered her mouth with mine. Her lips not enough, I covered her cheeks, her forehead, her nose with kisses. All the while, stroking her wonderfully soft hair, sometimes tugging on it when I needed a breather or when I wanted her closer still. Her throat seemed to beckon my lips, it was irresistible. Beginning just under her ear, I kissed and licked, resisting the urge to nibble. My teeth were much too sharp to risk it.

She was moaning softly, her own hands tugging on my hair...squirming on my lap and driving me so deeply into arousal. "Bella!" I groaned and tossed her gently onto the couch beside me. I'd placed her lying back with her legs still across my lap. I shifted so that my torso was above hers.

"Are you okay?" she asked quietly.

"I am. Are you?"

"I'm _soooo_ okay..." She pulled me down onto her parted mouth for a deep kiss. Her tongue; her sweet delicious tongue ran over my lips, my own tongue, my venomous teeth. "Ohhhhh..." we moaned together.

Her hands were on my back, pressing my body against hers. Her hand slid my shirt up and she rubbed my bare skin. Delighted by the new sensation, I slid my own hand under her shirt, running my fingers gently over her ribs, across her belly, back up to the ribs and finally to her breast. My fingers just grazed her at first, testing my control. Fuck it felt good! And still a 17 reaction.

She moaned more intensely when I cupped it, squeezing ever so gently. She brought my lips back to hers, bringing more oral delight. I ran my fingertips across her nipple, feeling it harden beneath my icy touch. "Sorry..." I mumbled between kisses and pulled my hand out from under her shirt. "Too cold."

"No! It feels good Edward...too good!" She held my head in her hands as she eased back on the kissing; bringing me down slowly, softening the kisses and then placing a finger between our lips. "Edward...we'd better stop," she said gently.

"Did I hurt you?" Worry suddenly filled me as I wondered if my fondling hadn't been as gentle as I'd thought.

"Not at all." She kissed me gently. "But if you keep doing what you're doing, _I'm_ not going to have the will to stop." She smiled at me, sweet and sexy all at once. "I want you so fucking bad..." she whispered. "But this is what you want, right? To stop before it gets that far?"

I sighed, placing my forehead against hers. "What I want and what has to be are vastly different, my sweet Bella. That was too hot..." I murmured as I climbed off her and the couch. I sat on the floor, near her head. "You really are so beautiful."

"Stop that, or I'll jump you, I swear!" she giggled.

"You are though. You take my breath away."

"I was having a little difficulty breathing as well for awhile there." She grinned at me, easing my worry that my venom had caused her to be breathless.

"Thank you for doing that for me."

"What? Making out? Any time pal. Anytime!"

"I'm being serious for a minute, do you mind? That was a huge help... you stopping like that. Now I know..." What I hadn't known, what I'd been afraid of, was that even if she wanted me to stop...tried stopping me... if I would. At times, when I don't get what I want, the animal rage takes over. I'd hurt her, no matter what, if I got to that stage in her presence.

But it hadn't. _I_ hadn't. She'd somehow known just the right way to stop me.

"Well done baby... very well done." I smiled and kissed her fingertips. "We just may have to do this again sometime."

"I'm signing up for that every day. For life."

A hint of sadness crept through me. "You don't want a life sentence. Trust me." She stared at me oddly, not understanding. "Let's just take each day as it comes." I kissed her hand one more time and then got up, reaching for her iPod as a distraction. "You've got some surprises on there. I hope you like what I added for you." Not only had I added a selection of the bands she was introduced to by me, but a few of my own songs as well.

She scrolled through, smiling at the additions.

"We should get you home."

She smiled at me sadly. "This day was so perfect. I don't want it to end."

"It was perfect. You did everything just right Bella." Stroking her hair and gazing into her dark eyes, I felt that strange lump in my throat returning. "Thank you," I whispered.

"Thank _you_. For bringing me here today...it means so much to me."

Of course I knew that, but I was thrilled that it worked out so well and she didn't feel like I was secluding her from the others in my life anymore. It felt good to do something that made her feel special and wanted, because she truly was.

When she rose, she reached for her cell phone and snapped some pictures. "I want to remember everything," she grinned at me as I gave her a strange look.

"Bella, you'll be back." Of this, I was certain - even without Alice's prediction. I knew it was a test run... with only the 'safe' vampires in my life, but it went extremely well. More importantly, Bella was really content being here. She was relaxed and felt wanted; cared about... like she belonged.

She smiled warmly at me as she packed her phone and iPod away. _'I'll always have a reminder of the day I realized you were different in another way... you're not going to use me. I'm safe. And so fucking happy.'_ "I have to thank Alice and your mom before we go."

Bella... I'll do everything in my power to make sure you are safe with me. I'll do anything to keep you safe. "Your hair..." I grinned and smoothed out the damage I'd caused with our couch action.

"It's not ruined, is it? Alice will kill me!"

Laughing, I kissed her forehead. "Don't worry. It'll be me she goes for first. You can make a run for it."

Esme caught us coming down the stairs. "Oh honey! Alice didn't tell me she made such a change! Do you like it?"

"Well I can tell Edward does," Alice cracked as she came up behind us. "Couldn't keep your hands off, huh?"

"Shut up!" I hissed with a crooked grin.

"I really love it!" Bella replied to Esme before turning to Alice. "I can't thank you enough. It's... it's really great."

Alice beamed with a smug smile. "Aw sweetie, I just brought out more of _you_. And it was fun! We'll do this again, right?"

"Definitely!" The two girls smiled and finished the stairs together, leaving me to trail behind.

"I have to admit Alice, you did great. I didn't think you had it in you," I teased as I gave her a shoulder a squeeze.

"You're next!" She grabbed for my hair and I caught her arm, twisting it behind her.

"Drop dead."

"Bite me!" She twisted out of my hold and darted away as Esme stepped towards us.

"Okay you two! Enough. We have a guest!"

"Sorry Mom," we said in unison, still grinning at each other playfully.

"You should see what it's like when all my children are home," Esme said to Bella as she helped her on with her jacket. "You'll have to come back very soon, when all our men are here. And Emmett and Rosalie! Edward, you told her about them, didn't you?"

"He did," Bella replied for me. "I'd really like to meet them. Please say hello to Dr Cullen for me. And Jasper. Thank you for having me. Today was... it was so great."

"You're so quiet." I reached for Bella's hand in the car. We were almost to her house and she hadn't spoken.

"I'm overwhelmed, I think."

"Yeah, the women in my family do that," I laughed.

"Not just the women," she smiled at me. "Your family is great Edward. I'm really glad you took me home with you."

"Wasn't so bad then? You felt alright...not uncomfortable at all?" I'd wondered if, being with a few of us, she'd develop the natural aversion most humans had to us. She'd shown none of it with me, but with 3 vampires? Still, nothing showed and I actually was grateful.

"Maybe when I meet your brothers..."

And Rose, I chuckled to myself. "Nah. My brothers will adore you. I'm glad you felt good there. I really liked having you in my home. It felt...right."

She blushed slightly as she nodded her agreement. "Coming to school tomorrow?"

"Nothing could stop me. Should I walk you to your door?" Take you to your room? Undress you...make love to you...

"Always a gentleman..." she teased.

We parted with a sweet kiss on her front porch. I hated leaving her even just for the night. I was very tempted to come back and watch her after an essential feeding but I resisted. A human wouldn't do that. And I'd never felt more human.

Never more alive.

Things looked up for Bella as the weeks passed. She was friendly with Angela at school and that seemed to make her more accepted. Her new look was a hit; it made her seem more approachable, which pissed me off because inside, she was the same girl. She also seemed to have a girl-crush on my sister, all nervous and giggly around her...weird. There was a lot of buzz about our talent show as well. It was a huge success and with the ticket fees and sales from DVDs of the show, we made a really good profit for our charity... runaway teens.

And she was falling in love.

This left me torn. Seeing her come out of her grey shell made me think she'd be okay when the time came for me to leave. But it should be sooner rather than later before her feelings grew more intense. The issue was that I was enjoying this life life as a 17-year-old with a really amazing girlfriend. I felt blessed. And astoundingly happy to the point of giddiness when I was with her.

Seeing into her thoughts as I did, I understood she felt exactly as I did. She called it love.

And so, I am in love. For the first time on my unnaturally long life, I'm in love.

A doomed love with a perfect girl.

A mortal girl.

The selfish vampire in me over-ruled the decent man I was born as and I opted for this joyous experience. I would live in the moment, loving her more and more each day.

* * *

"Bella? Come give me a hand with these groceries please!" Renee called out from the front door. We were laying together on the couch, watching MTV when I heard her car pulling in. I was on my feet and presentable, already moving for the door when she called out.

"I'll take those for you," I offered, taking the bags from her hands. "Where do you want them?"

"Anywhere in the kitchen's fine, thank you Edward. Bella, come get the rest with me."

"I've got it!" The first load was already dropped and I was back at the front door. "You just relax." She smiled, not surprised by my offer to help. I was a regular in their home now, usually 2 or 3 days after school.

"Thanks hon. You're staying for dinner?"

"Can't, sorry!" I called over my shoulder as I ran out. I'd avoided several invites, but I was running out of excuses as to why I couldn't eat with them. Just as awkward, was trying to avoid Phil. He was either much more perceptive or he really just despised me and it made Bella uncomfortable. I wasn't to comfortable around his perverted thoughts either. They centred on how I would fuck his girlfriend's daughter...in graphic detail. I considered the possibility that he was the birth father of the Troglodyte at school...Mike Whatever. He didn't just envision me fucking... not making love, or having sex... _fucking _Bella, but he had picked up on the crush Bella had mentioned her mom having. Those thoughts were extremely disturbing to me.

I finished unloading the car and joined the ladies in the kitchen. I leaned against the counter while they unpacked, offering my height for anything stored up top. "Oh, my mom said to ask if Bella can come over this weekend," I mentioned casually. I still asked permission even though she knew if we weren't here, we were at my house. In reality, it was usually the cottage. I continued on when both of them froze and looked over at me. "My brother's coming home and she and my sister are planning a thing for him."

"A 'thing'?" Renee laughed.

"Well, it's not really a party... it's only family, but they're still making it an event," I smiled in explanation. "They're arriving late though, on Saturday, so she thought it might be better if Bella stayed over - if she can come. And if it's alright with you..."

Both stared at me, still frozen. I hadn't even told Bella I'd planned to ask. _'Stay over? Oh my god! MOM! Say yes!'_

"My mom is going to call you herself, to fill you in on the arrangements and all the details. And get your permission, of course, but I wanted to give you some warning."

"Stay over? Huh. It's very nice of you to include Bella, but I don't know..."

_'Mom! His whole family will be there! Say yes!'_

"My family will be there the entire time. We won't be alone together, if that's your concern." I went with Bella's thoughts. "Bella can room with my sister and future sister-in-law. They can have a slumber party. I'll be with my brothers."

_'Damn! I thought we'd actually get a night together...'_ "Mom? Please?"

"I'll think about it. We'll see what Edward's mom has to say."

"Thanks Mom!" Bella gave her a huge hug, making her chuckle.

"I'll have Esme call you tonight? Is that alright?"

"That'll be fine... Your whole family, all night, right?"

"That's the plan. We'll be up most of the night, I'm sure." Truthfully, all night since Bella would be the only one even requiring sleep. "I understand if you're not comfortable with it. I can bring Bella home, or my dad will... afterwards, if you'd feel better. It will be really late though."

_'Edward! Don't tell her that!'_ "You'll want to be with Emmett and Rosalie! I'm not gonna drag you away, that's not fair. Besides, it's not like we're never alone. Anything we'd do overnight could be done any time."

I gave her an incredulous look. I'm sure she hadn't intended her comment to sound like we'd already been intimate, but it did. "We're not... I mean, we haven't, you know..." I stammered.

"Hmmm," was Renee's skeptical reply.

I shot Bella another look.

"Mom! Seriously! We're NOT having sex. I just meant that we _could_ anytime... but we haven't!"

"We'll see what Esme has to say." She busied herself with the groceries once more. "The thing is..." she hesitated in thought. "I really like you Edward. It's been great having you around, you've made such a difference in Bella. But you are 17. And I don't expect a hands-off relationship... you two have been together a couple of months now?"

We nodded our agreement. A couple of months of make-out sessions and building frustration.

"I'm not naive," she continued without eye contact with either of us. "I know there's been more than the little goodnight kiss you do at the door. It's normal... it's just, Bella and I are still working on regaining trust..."

"Mom! I've been REALLY good..."

"I know honey. You've been wonderful! I don't... I know that if it hasn't already happened..."

"It hasn't!" I interjected.

"I just told you we haven't..." Bella spurted out as I spoke.

"But it will. And if I allow a sleep-over, it's like I'm giving permission for free reign. I don't think Bella's ready for that. I know I'm not." Renee spoke bluntly now, not mincing words.

"If I may be honest myself..." I spoke quietly. "I'm not ready for that myself."

Renee laughed in response. Laughed!

"He's not kidding Mom. We've seriously had discussions about having sex. We're being mature about it. Responsible. He hasn't thrown me onto a bed and tried to have sex... and he won't without a lot of planning. Would you like me to tell you when we're ready?" Bella's sudden openness startled me. I could talk like this with my parents, but I didn't. It took guts for Bella to be so straight forward with her mother. My admiration for her grew even more.

Renee gazed intently at her daughter, as if seeing just how mature she'd gotten and then turned to me. "Edward, I owe you an apology. You're not like any 17-year-old boy I've ever known!" She chuckled, shaking her head. "I'm sorry I had the wrong impression."

"It's fine," I replied. "Sometimes I wish I was a normal 17-year-old boy. It'd be easier."

She laughed again, but this time I joined her. "I'd still like to speak with your mother, but I think it will be okay."

"Mom! You're the best!" A kiss was given with another hug. "I'm gonna walk Edward to his car. I left my jacket in there."

"Yeah yeah yeah. I'll turn away for the smooches! I always do!" she teased.

"Okay then." Bella stood on her toes and kissed me softly, right there in the kitchen, Renee watching. She knew by this point what I could handle as a casual kiss. "I still have to walk you out. My jacket _is_ in your car."

"Just be done with your smooching before Phil gets home. Having been a 17-year-old boy, he's not buying that you're any different, Edward," Renee warned. I caught her thoughts of the many conversations they'd had. So Phil had told his disgusting thoughts about what he imagined me doing to Bella. He hadn't, however, told her his concerns about her crush.

"I'll have my mom call you," I said, taking Bella's hand. "And thank you for trusting us."

"You haven't let me down yet... see you in the morning Edward."

"An entire night together! Can you believe it?" Bella said excitedly once we were at my car.

"My family _will_ be there, you know." I smirked as I stroked her hair.

"Yeah, but they're cool about us being in your room..."

"True, but once Esme talks to Renee, she won't approve of us sleeping together after promising her you'd be with Alice. Sorry, but this time it really is a family thing."

She slapped me playfully before reaching in for her jacket. "You _want_ it like that, don't you!"

"Hmm..." I chuckled. "You should know what I want by now..."

Smiling, she stood on her toes again for another, deeper kiss. "I wish we could go to the cottage right now."

"Mmm, don't get me thinking..." I bent to take her lips again. "I have a surprise for you, speaking of - so no cottage for awhile. I want it to be completed before you see."

"Shit Edward! You torture me! When? When can I see?" Her face was lit up. So beautiful.

"Um... by Christmas."

"That's 2 weeks away!"

I grinned and gave her a final kiss. "Be patient, my Bella. You'll be pleased."

_I wanna heal, I wanna feel  
__What I thought was never real  
__I wanna let go of the pain I've felt so long_

_I wanna heal, I wanna feel  
__Like I'm close to something real  
__I wanna find something I've wanted all along_

_Somewhere I belong..._

_(Linkin Park) _


	21. Chapter 21 You Are Amazing

_**You Are Amazing**_

_I don't feel the hollow  
__I don't feel it all broke  
__I don't need it when you make your mark  
__I don't live in malice  
__I need a morning heart..._

We changed our routine slightly the following day. Normally, we'd get homework completed, then mess around a bit or go out. This time, we went straight to Bella's room. Taking advantage of our privacy, we decided to explore each other rather than equations.

"Hurry! I don't know when my mom's coming home!" Bella urged me up the stairs. "We can't get caught - not before the weekend," she grinned.

"Don't worry, I'll hear her car. Besides, she knows we...you know, didn't lie about not having sex. We're not. She's okay with this, right?"

Laughing, Bella pulled her sweater off, watching me watch her tug down the tank top she had on under it. It clung to her perky breasts, and my body reacted instantly to the visual stimulation. "I don't know if she'd be okay with us up here alone - and you with that!" She indicated the bulge in my pants.

"Completely normal physical response," I explained, stuffing my hands in my pockets.

"You haven't even touched me yet!" she laughed. "And don't do that..."

"Do what?"

"The pocket thing." She pulled my hands out and placed them on her waist, her arms draping my shoulders. "I don't want you to hide it." She pressed her whole body tightly against mine. "Not like you could anyway."

Much like our first heavy session in my room, we got right into it. Her tongue probing and prompting moans from me. My hands roamed inside her tank top, feeling the soft skin on her back. We shuffled over to her bed as if we were one entity. Falling, she pulled me on top, our kisses never ceasing. My arms supported my weight so I wouldn't crush her, but I wanted to touch her as well. As if she knew, and wanted the same, she wrapped her legs around my waist, pulling me closer still. Ohhh, so close... I collapsed onto my elbows leaving my hands free to run through her silky hair.

"Bella..." I moaned in her ear.

"Take off your shirt," she requested, and pulled down on the shoulders before I could deny her. We both wanted it gone. "This too." She tugged on my t-shirt.

"Baby, we don't have time to dress and get downstairs when your mom pulls up."

"Dammit!" she groaned. "I love the feel of your skin. I want to feel it on mine."

Moaning with regret, I kissed her passionately. "Me too baby. Me too. But later."

"Always later!" Bella laughed with frustration. "Okay, forget it. She squirmed out from under me, and I dropped flat to the mattress.

"You're killing me..." I cried into the pillow.

"If you won't, I will."

"Will what...?" I lifted my head to question her motives.

She managed to flip me over and straddled my waist before I had a chance to register what she intended. She was atop me; and topless.

"Is this okay?" she asked softly, covering her bare breasts when she saw my expression.

"I...I don't know..." This was a new step in our fondling sessions. "I guess we'll see!" I grinned, gently pulling her hands away. "Let me see."

She was blushing; suddenly shy as I admired her half-naked form.

"You are so beautiful," I told her, caressing her reddened cheek. When I reached for a breast, my icy touch hardened both nipples at once and sent a shiver right through her body. As usual, I pulled away. She took my hand in hers and placed it back where we both wanted it to be and kept her hand over mine, encouraging me to work on it. So soft, so incredibly warm...

"Doing okay down there?" she asked in a breathless voice. Her eyes were closed, enjoying both of my hands on her now.

"Actually, can you lift for a sec?" She obliged and I made an adjustment before encouraging her back down. "That's good. Come on back."

"Why don't you take them...off."

"No time to dress, remember?" I grinned.

"At least unzip. You're too constricted. You'll feel so much better." She leaned over me seductively and placed a moist kiss on my lips.

I chuckled as I took her kiss. "I'm certain I would feel better, but it's fine now as it is. Now come back!" I said with more urgency. Complying, she found my new positioning suited her really well herself.

"Oh my god!" she moaned, slowly moving against my length as we continued kissing. "We should stop..."

"Do you want me to stop?" I asked her, softly kissing her neck. I was doing well and wanted to keep at it. Maybe _she _needed me to slow down.

"Not at all. But we don't want the same thing." Her voice was gentle, understanding - not callous or resentful in any way.

"Bella...baby, we do want the same thing, I just can't... It won't be like it should be." I held her face and spoke softly. "Honey, this has nothing to do with you...it's my problem and I know it's not fair to you. You must be so frustrated with me."

She was hugging herself, very aware of her nakedness. I was making it worse.

"I...I'm frustrated, period!" She tried to laugh I off but the awkwardness of the situation showed on her face. "I guess I am a little frustrated with you too though. I don't understand ..."

"I know," I whispered. "We'll find a way around it. We'll work on it. Deal?"

She grinned earnestly. "This is a pretty good way to go about it..."

"An awesome way," I smiled in agreement. I was still just 17, no sign of the ravenous monster within. "Shit! Your mom's home!" I heard the car door close, why hadn't I heard her drive up? "Quick, you go to the bathroom. I'll be downstairs!" I grabbed my shirt and books, heading for the door.

"Edward? What about that?" Bella was grinning and pointing at my crotch.

"Uhhh..." I chuckled nervously. "I'll hide it."

Swatting my ass, she headed for the bathroom. "Yeah, good luck with that!" I heard her giggling as I flew down the stairs.

I was on the couch, fully dressed and had a text book opened on my lap when Renee came in.

"Hi!" she said, standing behind me.

"Oh! I didn't hear you come in. Engrossed in molecular biology," I grinned. "Bella's in the bathroom. Too many Cokes."

"I see. You have Science with Bella too? That's the same text she's using."

"No...I'm in AP...but I left my book in my locker. This covers the same material, just less involved." I hoped my cover was effective. I wanted to get the hell out, not have a polite chat. "Actually, I was wondering if you'd mind if I took Bella out for a bit? There's a really interesting growth I discovered by my house. She could use it for extra credit."

"Extra credit is good, honey," she laughed. "I love that you're getting Isabella back into science. She used to be so good at it."

I raised an eyebrow in interest, but didn't get to question Renee before Bella bounded down the stairs.

"Good at what?" she asked as she plunked down beside me on the couch.

"Science..."

"I asked your mom if we could go now to get that moss I was telling you about...for extra credit."

"Oh! Right. Moss! So much fun." She rolled her eyes dramatically.

"Be careful if you're going near the river," Renee warned, kissing Bella's freshly washed cheek.

"I'll keep her safe, promise." I stood with Bella's book held in front of me to hide what didn't want to go away. "Oh, my mom said she spoke to you and we're all clear for the weekend?"

"We did. Ground rules are laid; no hanky panky!" She wagged a finger at us playfully. "Here, let me hold that for you." She reached for my cover as I awkwardly attempted to stuff my feet into shoes hands-free.

"It's okay...got it!" The tongue of the last one was bent under and my toes were squished, but it was on. I rushed out the door with Bella giggling behind me.

"Smooth," she teased as we left the porch.

"Shut up! It's your fault!" I laughed and kissed the top of her head.

"I kinda like having this affect on you, but apparently, it makes you think if science? What the fuck?"

"Mmm. That. Well, it's part of my cover...literally!" I held my hands over my bulging crotch. "And a good excuse to get more time with you."

"We're seriously collecting moss?" Bella grumbled as I led her down towards the riverbank.

"Seriously collecting moss," I smirked. "Why do you hate science so much?"

"Why do you love it so much?" she teased. "Ugh. I can't believe I hooked up with a science guy. A hot one...but still a freaky science guy."

"Mm-hmm. Here it is." I bent and tore a piece off the fallen tree trunk. "It has a very unique odour...almost like cedar, but somehow more floral..."

"You're freaking me out."

I laughed as I bagged it for her. My interest in local mosses was freaky, but not my marble body. "Look over there." I turned her around and pointed in the distance.

"At what? Trees? Or more moss?" she giggled.

I rolled my eyes at her. "Past the trees, silly. You can see the back of my house from here."

She shook her head. "I only see trees."

Lifting her up onto a rock so she was my height, I stood with my chin on her shoulder and pointed out my viewpoint.

"Oh! I see it now! There's a balcony? Cool!"

"Didn't I show you that? Hmm. Another time then. Anyway, if you turn this way...there's our cottage."

"_Our_ cottage?"

I raised an eyebrow. "Is there another I don't know about?"

She smirked as she turned around, knowing I knew what she meant. She liked that I referred to it as 'our' cottage. "You're such a tease." She gave me an unexpected shove, not realizing I wouldn't budge. Instead, she fell backwards, windmilling her arms to keep her footing on the slippery rock.

"Shit! Bella!" I was behind her instantly, between her and the steep embankment, Alice's vision was in my head. I grabbed her around the middle to hold her in place and then lifted her over to the other side of the rock. Safe! Holding her tightly, I kissed her head again and again. She was safe.

"Woah, Cullen...you've got some grip! I think you broke my ribs!"

I pulled away, terrified. I'd broken her again?

Breaking out in laughter, Bella reached for my hand. "Relax! It's just an expression! You didn't break anything."

"You're sure?" I looked at her in deep concern.

"Positive." She stretched up to kiss me. "You're incredibly strong...very sexy..." she purred seductively.

"Yeah... So um...I want to make sure you're okay. We need to get inside."

"Cottage?" she smirked.

"No smarty-pants!" I retorted. "House. My dad should check you out."

"No way! I'm fine! Take me home and you'll see."

We surprised a couple of thirsty vampires, showing up so quickly. Alice didn't have time to clear herself and Jasper out between seeing us arrive, and us actually coming in.

"Hi!" Bella greeted Alice with their normal enthusiasm.

_'Wasn't expecting you...' _"Hi. Jazz and I were just going out. Bye!"

I gave them an apologetic look as they took off.

"Guess we interrupted..." Bella mused, disappointed with her friend's reaction.

I shrugged and led her upstairs. "Let's have a look." I carefully lifted her sweater to examine her ribs. A little redness, but no indication of trauma. Whew!

"See?" She poked her tongue out at me. "But, as long as we're alone...and your hands are where they are..."

"Bella..." I chastised with a smirk.

Chewing on her lip, she took a seat on my couch. "Edward, I have to ask you something. If you don't want to answer, that's fine...whatever. But, do you have some kind of hang-up about sex? Or is it just me? I know I said I could deal...and I can! I'm just wondering..."

"Totally not you," I assured her, taking a seat as well. "Not at all."

"I thought maybe you'd heard something..."

"I told you I don't care about gossip," I said quietly.

"What if the gossip has some truth to it?" She finally looked straight at me. '_He deserves the truth.'_ "I should tell you, before this goes on and you think I've lied and end up hating me."

"Bella, you can tell me anything...I'd never hate you..."

"We'll see...you know how I ask you if this is a game? If you're messing with me or whatever? Well, I know all about that concept - I did it myself."

Interesting. How much more was hidden behind that cloud? I leaned back, looking at her with interest.

"When Riley died, I sought out people to get my mind off it."

"Yeah. Understandable."

"This crowd was not like the kids here; or any I'd spent time with before, but they served their purpose."

"You felt okay for awhile?"

"I felt smashed for awhile," she smirked. "When getting drunk didn't work for me anymore, I hooked up with the crowd that used...and I used them." '_And here we go. Here's where he starts to pull away...'_

"Drugs of the non-medicinal sort," I grinned at her, urging her to get it all out.

"Yeah. Have you ever..."

I shook my head. "Never been drunk either. Can't."

"Right...well, getting high was cool for awhile, but the crash was brutal. I'd feel everything so much more when I came down; that's the point where I started wanting to...damage myself. I sought out something...anything that could make me hurt worse than what I felt with losing Riley..."

"Your wrist..." I said gently.

Shaking her head, she started picking at her nails nervously. "That was after. First, I found..." She glanced up at me hesitantly. "You know, there's a lot of guys out there who are totally willing to help out a girl who wants to be hurt."

I frowned in confusion. "You let guys hurt you? What did they..."

She snorted sarcastically. "Sex, Edward. I'd dull my senses with whatever and then do...whatever with whatever guy I chose." She shook her head angrily. "Whatever. I don't expect you to understand. I just thought it was something you should know about me. I'm basically a slut."

The only way to contain the rage building inside me was to remain silent. They hurt her. She let them hurt her! They fucking _used _her and made her think...made her believe it was all h_er d_oing! Assholes!

"So, you're not really sure where to go from here, right? Um, well...I'll make it easy for you, because you don't deserve this mess. I'll go."

I grabbed her hand as she rose and tried to pass me. "Wait. Don't...please don't leave."

She gave me a sad smile. "Look, I know this makes you uncomfortable..."

"It makes me fucking pissed!" I hissed through my clenched jaw.

"I...I'm sorry," she stammered. "I should've told you sooner."

"It's not you, Bella! It's those assholes who used you that I'm pissed at! I wish..." I took a deep breath to calm myself. I kept my voice very low as I began to speak again. "If only I'd known you then."

"Edward..." She knelt in front of me, holding my hands as I trembled with fury. "I would have used you too. I know it sounds horrible...and it is, I guess...but honestly? Even though I went about it for the wrong reasons, I kind of liked the sex. Kind of...a lot."

And then it hit me. This was _her_ out. She was telling me I'd have to give her what she wants or she'll be finding someone who will. Problem was, I was more than willing to give her everything she wanted. What she'd end up with, however, was much more pain than she ever imagined.

"I...I can't be that guy for you Bella," I managed to choke out.

"I'm sorry!" She held my face between her hands, tilting it to look at her. "I don't want to make you feel bad. I'm really confused Edward, please try to understand. I've kicked all my bad habits. I decided to stay clean and wait for love. And then I was rewarded with you." Her voice faltered and she looked away briefly, gathering her courage. "You treat me so... I feel like I'm special. I've never had that before you."

"You are," I whispered earnestly.

"And because of how you are with me...how you make me feel...it makes me want you more than I've ever wanted anyone. But I know we can't...and I don't want you feeling like you can't measure up because you do! You give me _sooo _much! I hate that I put pressure on you. I don't want to do that, I just can't help myself sometimes." She stopped her rant abruptly, looking deep into my eyes. "Do you want me to go?"

"Come here." I held my hands out to her and pulled her back up on the couch. "Never. I don't ever want you to go."

As she laid against me, I gently traced my fingers up and down her arm, just barely touching her skin. There were no clear thoughts to read as I found her etched memory again. I couldn't image the pain she must have felt while carving his initials into her delicate skin. I pushed her sleeve up so I could press my lips to her tribute to Riley.

"Bella? What were you thinking when you did this to yourself? Was it to keep him with you, always?" Maybe I would carve 'Bella' somewhere on my granite body.

She avoided my gaze, concentrating instead on my fingers. "I wanted a reminder. And if I couldn't die myself, I wanted to look as ugly as I felt. That's when Phil found my wonderful shrink who decided I was nuts."

"That's when Grey was born," I smiled at her sadly, now completely understanding. "The girl who couldn't feel any of the things you needed to feel. I have some experience with that myself... only it was self-imposed nothingness."

"Why?" Her voice was barely audible. And very concerned.

Caressing her cheek, I stared into her soul. She had shared so much of herself with me, she deserved something in return. "To escape the horrors. If I wouldn't allow myself emotion of any sort, my rage was easier to control. Bella... I hate envisioning you sad. To know that you suffered so much pain... it's horrible for me because it was senseless. It didn't have to be that way for you. There are not many options for me."

"There's a different one for you now Edward... let me help you."

I continued to stare at her intently, the lump in my throat growing. "Why are you here Bella?" I asked in a whispered tone."You know I'm a bad guy. You know I'm a freak. I can never be normal...be what you need."

It was her turn to stare into my soul...or attempt to, as it had left my body nearly a century ago. "Why am I here? Seriously? Edward, I'm here because I've known bad guys. Obviously. I am a freak myself. And you are everything I have ever needed in a friend...or boyfriend."

"What if I told you it was all an illusion? Not done maliciously...not a game. An illusion out of necessity."

She paused, chewing on a fingernail. "Edward, I'm not stupid. I know you're different. I mean..._different._..y'know? I know there's a lot you're not telling me an even more that you'll never tell me. And it's okay."

The lump felt like it would burst through my skin. I frowned as I searched her eyes and mind for a hint of just how different she thought I was. I could never tell her...the Volturi, the higher powers in our world, would kill me. But only after killing my family to teach me lesson and killing Bella to make me suffer. All of us, every vampire, was sworn to secrecy or eliminated. Simple. Yet not so simple when I was in love with a human who valued truth.

"You never ask me about anything...any of my... are you hoping to get hurt again? Because baby, you have to know that it would kill me to be the guy that hurts you."

She sighed and then smiled as she held my hands. "I'm done with hurting myself and I've determined that whatever you haven't shared with me, well, it's probably better if I don't know the specifics. I'm kinda crazy about you, Edward; just as you are here today. And if not knowing everything means I can have more of you...like this...I'll take it. No questions."

"Bella, you're kind of amazing," I grinned around my lump.

_Standing here and hollow  
__It's the only thing broke  
__Then it shakes you and it makes you start  
__Like a singing widow which won't mend your heart  
__You are amazing  
__It's the truth..._

_(Ocean Colour Scene)_


	22. Chapter 22 Breaking the Habit

_**Breaking the Habit**_

_I don't want to be the one  
__The battles always choose  
__'Cause inside I realize  
__That I'm the one confused...  
_

"So it's only family - and me?" Bella asked again on the way to my house on Saturday.

"That's right." I reached over to hold her hand for reassurance. "Relax. You'll be fine." We've all fed...

"And when are they getting here?

"Plane lands in..." I glanced at the clock on the dashboard. "An hour."

"Oh boy."

"Relax!" I chuckled. "Anything I can do to relieve your anxiety?"

"Since you mentioned it," she smiled coyly, her hand on my knee. Her fingers walked their way up my thigh.

"I'm trying to drive here," I scolded lightly.

"So pull over."

We had a long talk on the phone about how I felt about our vastly different sexual histories and I had assured her that her confessions about her past had not jaded my opinion of her in the least. It honestly made me feel sad that she'd had intimacy without ever feeling loved or even cared about. I told her nothing had changed between us, so she was being herself, here in the car. But, of course, I'd lied; it had changed. I was determined to let her know how it would feel to be loved.

"Here? You want me to pull over...right here?" I smirked at her as her fingers continued inching up.

"It's the only chance we'll get since our mothers are clamping down on the rules tonight." She had valid point.

I pulled onto a private road that I knew led to a secluded clearing. Parking there, I unbuckled my seatbelt and climbed out. "Well? What are you waiting for?" I jumped in the backseat, grinning."Nothing new though," I warned as she climbed over to join me. "Save exploring for a more appropriate setting." My tongue, however, did spend some time exploring her mouth.

"Such a gentleman," she said before sucking on it. She worked wonders with her mouth. God... I envied her ability to suck and bite without fear of killing me. I wanted to kiss her the same way so badly.

Breaking apart, as usual, panting and frustrated some time later, we climbed out for a stretch. "Your bed is definitely more comfortable for this," I groaned as I stretched out my back.

"Yeah, you're not really built for a compact," Bella teased, punching at my belly.

"I dunno...you're pretty compact and I fit you alright."

"Hmm. We don't really know that yet. I'm sure it would all fit if we really tried." She rubbed herself against my hips as we kissed.

"Uhhh, ummm..." I chuckled and stammered, reaching a new level of arousal. "Promise you'll do that again...another time. I have to get rid of this before I get home and we really have to go." I glanced at the time again. "Shit! They've already landed!"

I drove faster than I normally would with Bella in the car, for good reason; Esme and Alice were waiting at the door for us, looking none too pleased with our disheveled state.

Alice glared at us. "Jeez! A quickie is supposed to be that - quick! You left 2 hours ago!"

"Bella was nervous! We were talking..." My excuse sounded lame.

"Your shirt is inside out. And wrinkled." Esme cut me off and wrinkled her nose ever so slightly. "Go get yourself cleaned up and change. Quickly Edward! Your father has already picked them up!" _'And you KNOW how difficult this will be for everyone...getting used to a human with us, in the house. Edward! You smell more like Bella than she does! Fix it!'_

"Come on, we'll fix your hair and re-do your makeup. God, did he lick your entire face? Ew!" Alice grabbed Bella and followed me upstairs. We couldn't help but giggle when we glanced at each other before going in separate rooms.

I was waiting downstairs when the girls came back down, having washed away the intense Bella scent from my own body and apologized profusely to Esme.

"Sorry for being so harsh dear," Esme gave Bella her usual warm smile. "We are all so happy you could join us."

"Where's Jazz?" I asked. He often made himself scarce when Bella was over, but tonight?

"He's working on the gazebo. We had a little electrical issue," Alice grimaced.

"Ah. I'll go help. You okay here?" I asked Bella, taking her hand in mine.

Smiling, she patted my arm and sent me off. "I'm well taken care of. Go help Jasper. What can I do to help, Esme? You and Alice have made everything look wonderful! I'm sorry we were late. I should've helped you..."

"Don't bother yourself with it honey. You help by making that guy smile." They watched me and Jasper by the patio door. "He's a whole different person with you in his life. It's wonderful."

I smiled to myself at Esme's comments. I was different; not only when I was physically with Bella - even when we were apart, I held onto that euphoric sensation I'd been feeling since I accepted that I was in love with her. It outweighed the moments of gloominess I experienced from time to time, by far. I was living my life as a human, as best as I could. The only downside was needing to feed much more often so I could ensure her safety, but even that had been easing up. While it was daily in the beginning, I could go 3 or 4 days now before I felt an urgency. And the monstrous rage I was so used to feeling had all but disappeared. I felt much more in control and utterly blissful about my life.

"Em's better with this shit. We should just wait," I suggested to Jasper, seeing the frayed wire.

"That's what I said."

"And Alice said?"

Imitating her shrill, angry voice perfectly, he turned his back to the window. "Emmett and Rosalie have been gone for MONTHS! Everything is going to be perfect for them when they walk in. Per-FECT! Now FIX it!"

We cracked up as he nailed his imitation of angry Alice. She was not so amused, watching from inside.

_'How bad is it?'_ Jasper sensed his mate's ire.

"She's plotting some way to embarrass me at some point tonight, but you...you're getting a raw deal, man. No sex."

_'How long?'_

"She keeps changing her mind. 'Til Christmas, originally..."

_'Damn!'_

"But she's thinking maybe tomorrow, when Bella leaves, after she saw you bend over just now," I laughed quietly.

"Yeah?" He grinned at me as he flaunted his backside some more. "You know, your talent is invaluable at times like this."

I laughed and acknowledged my agreement. "Hey Jazz...you seem really mellow. You're cool with Bella being here?"

"Well I'm not going to eat her," he quipped with a wink. "I'm stuffed. Not room for one more drop no matter how much I want it... Just kidding bro, she'll be safe. I've got it in control."

I grinned appreciatively. "I know. Just checking with you...I know it's difficult for you. And listen, Jazz, when Rose gets here..."

"I know, I know. Alice and I already talked...help Rosalie go easy on Bella... I'll do my best."

We ended up in a playful wrestling match, ending with Esme screaming out the door. "You two stop that right now! You don't have time to change again, and you're going to take the tree down with you! Alice found a new light strand; take that one down and put up the new one quickly. They'll be here any minute!"

"Sorry Mom," I grinned, pulling myself out of Jasper's grip and unwrapping the wire.

"Hmph. Extra chores this week. I mean it!" But she smiled as she turned away, incapable of staying angry with us. "We have to stay tough with these boys," she said to Bella, who was watching with amusement and awe.

"They're a handful huh?" she laughed.

"Wait 'til Emmett gets with them," Alice commented, nudging Bella. "We're gonna have so much fun tonight! Especially later on, once we ditch the guys. Rosalie has amazing hair...I'm so jealous. Maybe we can try out some styles on her for the wedding!"

I smiled over encouragement to my girl, who gave a small wave of acknowledgement. She was so not a girly-girl, but she loved hanging out with Alice, so she endured whatever Alice proposed.

"Oh! They're here!" Alice blurted out.

"Really? I didn't even hear the car..." Glancing out towards the driveway, she saw the headlights appear at the top of the hill. Sure enough, they were here. "How do you do that?" she laughed at Alice.

"I just miss my big brother!" she gushed, covering her psychic slip.

Jasper finished winding the new light strand and I plugged it in to test it. It sparkled, catching the glass ornaments on the tree and reflecting off it like dozens of prisms, just like Alice had seen. It was per-FECT!

Pleased with the results, we rushed to the front door to greet our siblings. I hung back with Bella while the others got their hugs in. She was nervous and fidgety. I placed my arm around her waist and pulled her close for comfort and security. And then I prayed that Rosalie would be as cool as she was capable of being and not fuck this up.

"What's up li'l brother?" Emmett grabbed me once Alice let go of him. "You're looking thin. I could take you in a wrestling match..." He glanced sideways at Esme. "...before we go back."

"You won't win," I laughed.

"I know. Humour me. And you must be the little fox my brother's going nuts for." He grabbed Bella in a big bear hug, lifting her off the ground.

"Oh!" she gasped, before laughing.

"Em! Put her down!"

"Sorry, just happy to finally meet you. You're all Edward talks about. I'm Emmett, by the way, and this is Rosalie."

Rosalie nodded with a fake smile plastered to her face - clearly Emmett had talked to her about behaving. She walked past Bella and gave me a hug. "Hi Edward. I've missed you," she whispered. She actually seemed sincere, but a nicer greeting for my girlfriend would have been appreciated.

"Esme and Alice spent all day setting up the garden, let's go out, shall we?" Carlisle passed out parkas at the patio door, strictly for Bella's benefit.

"This is ridiculous!" Rosalie grumbled, refusing to put one on.

Jasper moved in with an easy grin. "It's your colour Rose!" He held it up for her and she folded, slipping it on. He gave me a wink as he walked her outside.

"You're a tiny little thing, aren't you!" Emmett commented as he joined me and Bella. "Not much of an athlete?"

I rolled my eyes, but took note of Bella's grin. She didn't mind Emmett's teasing.

"She's a musician! Really good, too!" Alice stated.

"Aw, Edward's perfect match," Rosalie commented, sarcasm noted. Jasper moved in closer.

"They performed together at school; really awesome. Blew everyone away," he told them.

"Yeah? Why didn't you tell me?" Emmett threw a light punch at me. "I would've come back to see that!"

"We've got it recorded," Esme smiled. "They were just incredibly sweet together. We'll watch it later on."

"But tonight's about you two. How was the flight?" I asked, changing the subject before Rosalie's jealousy got the better of her despite Jazz.

"Awesome!" Em gave us the thumbs up.

"Horrid." Rose's interpretation of the same flight differed. "The first leg wasn't bad, but that little flying can we were stuck in to get from Toronto to here? Ugh! It was cramped and smelly and the noise! I'd sooner run than get on one of those again!"

All eyes were on her at the mention of running. I saw Emmett elbow her, then he joked about it. "You'll look ridiculous carrying all that luggage you insist on bringing. I'll have to find a way to strap them on your back, 'cause I ain't carrying all of it!" He winked and grinned widely at Bella.

"And school?" Esme changed the subject.

Rose did find some good aspects of university life to share. She really wasn't bad when she wasn't being bitter. They talked about their classes and the apartment and told some funny stories about the frat house on their street. Rose didn't go out of her way to include Bella in the conversation, but was polite enough when responding to any question she asked.

It was all very civil and fun actually, until boredom set in for my family of vampires who bored incredibly easily. "Have you scouted a ball clearing yet?" Emmett asked with a compeitive gleam in his eyes.

"Can't play tonight anyway..." I reminded him. Our games were far beyond normal.

"Chicken?"

"Not even remotely. You know you'd go down," I challenged. "But not tonight. We have to be normal...we don't play like humans." I reminded him in the rapid, almost undetectable way of speaking we had, that Bella couldn't see us play. Bella didn't even know we were talking about her.

"Riiight," Rosalie said aloud. "Isn't it past your bedtime sweetie? Why don't you run along so us big kids can have some fun," she smirked at Bella.

"Why don't you be nice for a change?" I jumped to her defence.

"Sore spot?" she winked at me, making me angrier still.

"Huge pain, in fact - in the ass. Standing right in front of me."

Emmett moved away from Rose so she wouldn't catch him snickering. Jasper stepped between us and Esme fired off a warning to knock it off.

"Apologize for being rude," I demanded.

"Sorry," she said curtly, not looking anywhere near Bella. "Christ. Lighten up."

"Grow up."

"Get laid! It might improve your disposition!"

I lunged for her but Jasper's arms caught and held me before I reached her. Emmett pulled Rosalie back as I was restrained. Esme looked utterly disgusted at our behaviour and went to Bella, giving her a hug.

"Don't take offense honey. This is what they do...it's nothing to do with you being here. They'd argue about the colour of the sky!" She smiled kindly and rubbed Bella's back. "Still, she is being rude to our newest family member. I'm going to have a talk with her. Edward? Why don't you take Bella inside? I've got some food laid out in the kitchen."

"I'll go with you," Jasper volunteered. My jaw dropped in shock and Bella's eyes popped open. He rarely spoke directly to her and he had certainly never been alone with her. Sensing my discomfort, he grinned at me and I saw his plan to soothe her. "I've just realized that Bella's been coming here for months and we don't really know each other. I've been rude myself, I think."

"No! Jasper, you're always nice to me..." Bella was quick to reject his concern.

"Still..." he grinned and held the door open for her. "Let's you and I go have a talk. Get to know each other better."

Bella's initial shock was eliminated by Jasper's control. He would put her at ease, I knew. But I still lingered nearby, just in case the close contact became too much for him.

"Hungry? Looks like Esme's feeding an army! Help yourself."

"Looks great! Aren't you eating? Or are you like Edward?" Bella laughed.

"Hmm. In some ways we're alike, yet others...not at all. Take how we handle Rosalie, for instance; I've observed she has two modes - sweetheart and bitch. Edward focuses on the latter. It eats at him. He can't resist firing back when she mouths off."

"And you don't?"

"I ignore her when she's like that. Honestly, I think that's worse for her." He was right. She hated that she couldn't draw Jazz into an argument, ever. "She craves the attention. If arguing is all she can get out of Edward, she'll take it and enjoy it while she can."

"So...he ignores her otherwise? That doesn't seem like Edward. She's family."

Jasper let out a chuckle. "If at all possible...yeah, he ignores her. Bella, don't get the wrong idea. He cares for Rose in his own way. He's thrilled that her and Emmett are together and they do have their moments of fun. When we're all together, they often disappear for hours and when they return, one of us will end up with a rebuilt engine. They bond over mechanics," he explained.

I grinned, recalling some of those pleasant times. She really could be fun.

I heard Bella chuckling. "Cars? Seriously? Rosalie...she looks like a model! I can't imagine her under a car, let alone getting engine grease all over herself."

"Trust me. They do awesome work together."

"Then why do they argue?"

I'd had plenty of Jasper's thoughts on that matter over the decades, but I was interested to hear what he'd say to Bella. He was super sensitive to emotions and feelings. Much the same as I heard their thoughts - he could feel them. Sometimes that was more telling.

"Like I said, Rose likes the attention. Any attention. Working together? She's got him and she's happy as a lark. They argue when she's in bitch mode and she gets in bitch mode when she feels threatened."

"So tonight...?"

"She sees you as a threat," Jasper told her honestly.

"Me?" Bella retorted, clearly stunned. "Why?"

"You're Edward's everything, Bella. Don't you know that?" He was using his gift now, convincing her of what he knew to be true.

"Edward is my everything as well, but what does that have to do with Rosalie?"

"Edward didn't tell you?" Oh Jasper... "He didn't tell you that he actually knew Rosalie before Emmett?"

"No! Tell me!"

Jasper! I love you, but I'm going to have to kill you...

"Yeah, Rosalie had a thing for Edward, but the feelings were never reciprocated so she moved on. Once she and Em hooked up, it was all over. They're crazy about each other!"

"But she was interested in Edward first..."

"Yeah yeah, but it was never anything she wanted it to be."

"Does she still... Want him?"

"No! Not like that - NO! Like I said, her and Emmett are the real deal. They're meant for each other. The thing with Edward, well, I'd say Rose got over _him_, but not his rejection of her. Understand?"

There was a brief pause. "She's fuckin' gorgeous, Jasper. Who would reject her?"

"Edward. And now she finds herself in a new situation with you. Her habit of vying for Edward's attention is going to have to break one way or another."

"Meaning...?"

"They'll either have it out like never before and come to an agreement, or she'll come to see she doesn't have to compete. There IS no competition, not where Edward is concerned. She can't win this one and she cares about him too much to push him away entirely. And she will, if she can't accept that things have changed."

Another pause, and when Bella didn't respond, I started towards the kitchen door.

"Bella, there's no need to stress yourself. It's not your fault Rose is possessive of your boyfriend darlin'. See, Edward broke the habit first...by letting you into his life. As long as he was content on his own, she had a sense of control. Now he's turned it around and she has to find a new way to be part of his life. She was the 'never was'. You're the 'will be'. Something Edward has always claimed would never happen. Now do you see?"

I couldn't take any more. Jazz probably hadn't caused any damage, and it was likely better coming from him but still... I needed to reassure myself that Bella wasn't hurt that I hadn't told her our history. I wasn't so set on killing him either. He'd given me a whole new perspective; my little human was much more vulnerable than Rosalie or I. If she could kick her destructive habits, we sure as hell could too.

"Well, Rosalie shouldn't have pissed off Esme. She really let her have it," I announced as I entered the kitchen. I gave Jazz an appreciative nod to let him know I understood why he felt the need to air my laundry.

"Shit, now I feel horrible! Esme's upset and Rosalie will hate me for sure."

Jasper put on his super chill grin. "One thing you don't yet know about this family - we get over these things just as quickly as they begin. Once Esme's done with Rose, it'll be like nothing happened, you'll see."

"Only Rosalie won't dare utter another rude comment," I added, leaning casually on the counter across from Bella. "I'm sorry you were subjected to it in the first place." To distract myself from digging into her thoughts, I picked at the fruit tray Esme had out and pretended to nibble on a piece.

"On the upside, Emmett really likes you," Jazz commented.

I smiled my agreement. Bella smiled back at me with no sign of being upset with me or the situation. She took a bite off the piece of melon I was holding and then popped the rest in my mouth. I did as any boyfriend being hand-fed would do - I grinned, chewed and swallowed. YUCK! And then prayed it didn't come right back up.

Jasper found the whole scene very amusing. Dick.

"Hey! Are you guys staying in the kitchen the whole night?" Alice bounded in cheerfully.

"Storm is over?" Jazz asked, wrapping his arms around her.

"Done!" She gave him a long, soft kiss and whispered words of praise at his controlled behaviour with my human. "There's talk of Charades..." she sang out. "Cool?"

"See?" I grinned at Bella. "Like nothing happened. Wanna play?"

She followed Alice's lead and nodded with enthusiasm.

"Okay Bella, so you're on MY team." Alice ushered her out to join the others. "My brothers AND Jazz get super competitive, so it's boys against girls.

The game was a draw, as usual, with each team having a ringer. I could read what the other team was attempting to act out and Alice could foresee what we'd be doing. The challenge for us was trying to fake that we weren't completely in the know. We had some great laughs and all in all, seemed like a pretty normal family...if not a little dorky. Bella was having a great time though.

"Why don't you play for us, Edward?" Esme asked once the games ended. Bella nodded in agreement.

I glanced towards Rose, who'd been very well behaved since her chat with Esme. I didn't want to rock the boat. "Um... I dunno..."

"Please Edward? I've missed listening to you play at night." Rosalie smiled at me warmly. It was something I'd always done. Once the couples had paired up each night, I would retreat - alone - to my piano.

If she was alright with it..."Just for a bit," I grinned and took a seat on the bench. "Requests?"

"You know what I'd like to hear," Esme replied softly. Smiling back at her, I played a song I'd composed 40 something years earlier. Esme had fallen in love with it and never tired of hearing me play it for her.

Rose came and sat with me as I played the ending bars. "Play mine next?" she asked softly. I'd written her and Emmett a song for their last wedding, that's what she was referring to. She placed her head on my shoulder as I began playing for her. "I'm sorry Edward. I was horrible earlier."

"You were," I replied, detectable only by the other vampires in the room.

"I am happy you've found someone. And she doesn't seem...too bad."

"You could be nicer to her." I played on as if nothing else was happening. "For me."

"I'm trying."

"Try harder."

"For you..."

"She's very sweet. Alice loves her. You could try liking her."

"Only for you."

"Thank you Rosalie." A small grin crept up.

"I've missed you so much..."

"Me too, but I swear I'll take you down if you upset her in any way."

"You and what army?" Rose messed my hair as she got up, leaving me alone and smiling.

Esme and Carlisle excused themselves, leaving us 'kids' to do our own thing. Alice snagged the girls away for their own 'wedding prep' fun and Jasper left with a shaky grin to find a midnight snack to top himself up - "Gotta make sure our guest remains secure!" Emmett and I were left alone...but not for long. It seems my girl conked out within minutes of girl-time. Alice was disappointed, Rosalie relieved and amused. Howling with laughter at my expense, Emmett urged me to go babysit my 'foxy little human'. So I crept upstairs and sat beside my little human for awhile, thinking of how this family would have to be changing a lot of our habits to accommodate Bella. And they'd better damn well do it! I'd never asked a thing of any of them.

And for a good while longer, I sat lamenting my damn promise to not spend the night with her while she was right here. I truly am weird.

_I don't know how I got this way  
__I'll never be alright  
__So I'm breaking the habit  
__I'm breaking the habit  
__I'm breaking the habit tonight..._

_(Linkin Park)_


	23. Chapter 23 For Reasons Unknown

_**For Reasons Unknown**_

_I look a little bit older  
__I look a little bit colder  
__With one deep breath  
__And one big step  
__I move a little bit closer..._

"I'm not getting into a match now. I've gotten in enough shit from Esme today, thank you," I warned him Emmett the next day after I'd returned Bella to her home, unharmed.

"Nah. Let's just go for a walk."

Jasper had taken off to hunt, yet again. Apparently Bella's scent still lingered throughout the house and he was on edge. We headed in the opposite direction of Jazz, so we wouldn't disturb his hunt. "So, another wedding soon," I teased. "Excited?"

"Only about the honeymoon," he snickered. "It's weird, the whole wedding thing turns her on so much. Everything about it. I mean, I'll be getting top honeymoon sex just because they're doing wedding plans. And it just goes on and on. We've been married, what... 50 years? And the sex is always hot, but from this point until the honeymoon is done? She's fucking on it ALL the time. It's so hot."

I merely smirked in response. It was truly awkward discussing their sex life. It was bad enough when I had to attempt to block their thoughts about it.

"So... you finally got laid!" He jabbed his elbow into my ribs.

"Uh, actually..."

He stopped dead. "No. Don't tell me. Edward! Shit, man! You haven't hit that? What the fuck is the matter with you?"

"Nothing's the matter with me!" I protested. "We're dating. Taking it slow."

"Okay." He scratched at his head in bewilderment. "Why?"

"So I don't kill her? Is that enough reason?"

"Still...how can you not...I mean, she's pretty foxy..."

I shot a glare at him.

"No offense." He held his hands up and whistled. "I don't know where you get the restraint bro. I couldn't handle that. Of course, being a virgin, you don't know what you're missing!" he teased.

Another glare flew in his direction. "I have some idea. And believe me, it's frustrating. I want to... all the time."

"So...?"

"Em! You're not paying attention! She's a fucking human! Even if I don't suck her dry, she's so delicate... I could break her!"

"No shit. With all that pent up sexual frustration? Whew! She's in for it the first time..."

I sighed heavily. "You're not helping..."

"Teasing bro...teasing. So seriously, is she not into it either?"

I snorted. "Um..."

"She does want it!" Emmett laughed and slapped my back.

"_All_ the time!" I chuckled with him. "I'm telling you...frustration is at an all-time high. See over there?" I pointed off in the distance towards the cottage. "We go there a lot."

"A fuck shack. But you're not fucking. Weird."

"It's not a fuck shack! Jesus Em! Can you try to be a little mature about this? No wonder I keep to myself."

"Okay okay!" His grin reappeared and he softened his voice. "Do you, like, kiss or anything?"

"Yeah yeah... just not... that..."

"Man...how can you..."

"It is possible to control animal lust, you know. I'm working really hard on that."

"You love her," he stated simply.

"I can't," I whispered, my head low.

"But you do."

"The logistics of it... well, it just won't work..."

"Change her."

"Never."

"Your soul? Or hers?" Emmett knew me so well. The whole coven did.

"Both. And besides..." I threw caution to the wind and decided to be completely honest with at least one person. Another habit I'd love to break. "I like her human form. I mean, I REALLY like her human form. Em, she's so damn warm! And soft. Kissing her...it feels like I melt. And her body...shit, you have no idea how good her body feels against mine."

He grinned, having drawn out what he wanted to hear. "I know what you're saying about the heat thing. It is incredible. But vamp chicks are awesome too. She'd be great..."

"No! She's perfect as she is."

"So, you'll just never have sex. Is that it? She'll grow to be a 100 year-old virgin, like yourself only you'll still have the urges of a 17 year-old. Christ Edward. That's lunacy!"

"I know."

"I have your solution."

"Not changing her..."

"No no. I'm off that. So you go find a vamp chick and bang the shit out of her. Get it all out of your system and then you won't go all rabid when you have a go with Bella."

I frowned at him in disbelief. "Disgusting."

* * *

"You know, you don't have to come back just to pick me up when you have to leave early," Bella said as she climbed in my car. She leaned over for a kiss and kept her hand on my cheek, running her thumb soothingly across my cheekbone. "Are you okay? Is it really bad?"

Her hand was freezing, but still warm to me - and that warmth didn't begin to match the warmth spreading inside from her look of sincere concern for me.

"I'm fine, Bella," I stated softly. "There's Angela...should we give her a ride home?"

Bella nodded, grinning her appreciation. She really liked Angela.

She was appreciative too. "Damn, it is freezing today! Thanks guys! You've saved my life! I'm even dreading going back out tonight, but I don't want to miss Jessica's party. You guys are going, right?"

It was the last day of school before Christmas; parties were in abundance.

_'Fuck no!'_ Bella glanced at me. "I dunno Ang..."

"We actually have other plans tonight," I announced, not dishonestly. I'd been busy all afternoon preparing for my plans with Bella.

"Aw, you're gonna miss all the fun! Then again, I'm sure you'll have fun on your own too." The girls giggled as I pulled up by Ang's house. "Enjoy your night. And Merry Christmas. Bella, call me!"

"We have plans?" Bella turned to me as soon as we pulled away.

"We do. I hope it's okay with you... I've cleared it with Renee already."

"But are you well enough?"

She was still concerned. "Bella, I'm not sick. This afternoon was a full-fledged ditch. I had other shit to do."

"Can you tell me next time you're ditching? I was worried!"

I gave her a coy grin. "Sorry. I guess I should've stayed at school rather than preparing your surprise huh?"

Her eyes widened and a grin replaced her frown. "It's ready? We're going to the cottage?"

"Unless you'd rather wait..." I teased. With only two days until Christmas, I knew she was anxious. She'd been reminding me all week that I'd promised her it would be 'by Christmas'. Truthfully, I was just as anxious. The stolen gropes at her house weren't cutting it and when Bella got too aroused at my house, her scent drove everyone nuts. We needed our fuck shack, as Emmett dubbed it. And I'd spent the afternoon making sure the debut would be perfect. First, I'd hunted. I could feel much more at ease if I was fed. Then I'd prepared the cottage for a human visitor.

"Hey, I can see it from here! We parked further back before, didn't we?" Bella was so observant.

"We did. But it's too cold now to be having you trek through the woods. Emmett helped me clear a driveway. We need the firewood for the winter anyway." I tilted my head towards the neatly stacked wood pile alongside the cottage. "Ready to go inside?"

She was out of the car before I had it in gear. "Come on!" she giggled and held her hands out to me.

I took them and held her in place briefly, for a sweet kiss, before unlocking the door. A flood of warmth hit us. Good, no warm-up period would be required.

Bella went around the room, excitedly pointing out all the differences; actual furniture, cushions from the library at the house, a new print hanging on the wall...she even took note of the new candles. Yes, she was very observant.

"There's an ice chest there for your Coke. There's some fruit and sandwiches too, when you get hungry. We'll shop together some time soon so you can pick out things you'd like to keep here."

Her arms were around my shoulders as she smiled into my eyes. "It looks like a home now."

I smiled back. That was my intention - to make her feel at home. I knew she didn't feel that way at Phil's and she was still a little edgy at my place. She should have somewhere she could feel completely at ease. "You haven't seen the best parts."

She cocked an eyebrow. "More...? Edward, what did you do?"

I laughed and directed her towards the back of the cottage. She went to the bedroom at once.

"Holy shit! You added a fireplace in here!"

"Can't have my girl cold when she wants to take a nap," I grinned at her from the door.

"Or when she wants to strip her guy down and cover him with kisses...come here!"

"Uh-uh!" I laughed some more, thoroughly enjoying her reactions to it all. "We're not done. Notice anything else?"

She took a closer look. "You kept the furniture the same...new bedding though. I like!" She ran her hand over the billowy duvet and winked at me. "My colour too." The fabrics were all shades of grey. I'd thrown in red cushions to remind me of her rosy cheeks and ruby lips. Very, very observant. "Hey, was that door always there?"

"There we go! Took you long enough to notice! That's the best part! Go have a look." I hung back to listen and imagine what her expression was as she discovered what had kept me busy every night for weeks.

"Edward! Jesus Christ! You added a bathroom? A fucking BATHROOM!"

"So we don't always have to leave so soon..." I said softly, now beside her. "There's electricity in here. We needed it for the water tank. But I left the rest of the cottage without. I prefer the muted lighting...I can change it if you'd rather have power out there too..."

She shook her head, still taking it all in; the marble platformed tub was her favourite part. Spotting the basket on the side, she looked at me hesitantly.

"My sister," I explained. "I didn't know what to get for you - what you'd need so Alice sent a bunch of stuff." That was the truth, but it also gave her the opportunity to give Bella a gift, since we'd agreed on a no-gift holiday.

_'From Alice...so sweet...god, I hope it's the same stuff she uses. She smells sooooo good all the time. He thought of everything.'_ "God Edward, this is...it's just incredible. You thought of absolutely everything!"

"Yeah?" I grinned. "Do you like it?"

She replied with a kiss rather than words. It said more anyway. It said I was so right to skip classes to hunt. It said we were about to know each other better...very soon.

Bella sat on the bed expectantly as I stoked the fire and added another block of wood. "Just let me know if you get too cold, okay? Or hungry...if there's anything you need that I'm not thinking of."

_'Just you...'_ "Come here," she said in a smoky voice. "I only need you."

I walked slowly to the bedside and pulled her up on her knees to match my height. "So...where were we?" I grinned before resuming the kiss we'd shared in the bathroom. As she moaned into my open mouth, I reached between us and unzipped her hoodie before pulling it off her shoulders. I bent to kiss her neck as I pulled hers arms free and tossed it aside. Kissing my way from her collarbone, up, I took her earlobe in my mouth and gently sucked on it. Venom flooded my mouth but I had no desire to feed; only an intense need for more of her flesh against me.

Apparently, she was in the same place. Her fingers flew to my shirtfront as I moved to her mouth, taking her bottom lip into my mouth as I had her lobe. Jesus fuck she tasted better than anything in the world! A small moan escaped us both before she pulled back to work intently on the buttons. I helped her out. She watched me, standing shirtless and full of desire as the same desire lit her as well. Her cheeks were flushed a deep red and she was sucking on the lip I'd just had in my mouth.

As her hand reached out for me tentatively, I took it in my own, placed a kiss on her palm and pressed it to my chest. She had touched me a few times during our more intense kissing sessions, but it hadn't prepared me for the feeling that flooded me now. Seeing her see me like this for the first time, not a hand up my t-shirt, not a peek around a few opened buttons... seeing the desire as her fingers explored and her eyes took every ripple in my torso in... For some reason, watching her was even more exhilarating than the actual contact.

"God...you are so perfect..." she whispered as her lips pressed against my bare shoulder. "So beautiful. So perfect." I watched, my fingers lightly running up and down her back as she placed soft kisses all over my chest.

"Bella!" I cried out through clenched teeth when her warm tongue flicked against my taut nipple. I was breathing unnecessarily heavy and couldn't seem to stop it.

"You doing alright?" She placed her hands flat against my chest as she stared into my eyes.

"Never better," I laughed softly.

"Should I continue?"

Smiling, I took her hands, kissed them and took my own spot on the bed with her. I reclined against the stack of pillows and pulled her towards me for a soft kiss.

"So...this is okay then?" she asked with a smirk when we parted. "I can touch you?"

I nodded, staring at her intently. I was putting my trust in her and praying she would stick to her routine of knowing when to ease up. More than wanting to be normal for her, I wanted to be normal for myself. I wanted to be able to make out with my girlfriend and just take things as they happened. I wouldn't know if I could if we never tried.

"Do what you want Bella. For now, I'm okay."

She spent glorious minutes gently exploring my upper body with her tiny, soft hands and warm mouth. As a vampire, every sense is heightened - touch is the one that I had little experience with. Every kiss sent an electrifying jolt through my highly sensitive body. I sucked in a deep breath when her tongue circled around my taut nipple. She hesitated until I wound my fingers through her hair and placed a kiss on the top of her head. I could handle this. Fuck... I needed this! Laying back, I simply enjoyed the feeling of my girlfriend's lips and tongue exploring my body until she got down to the waistband of my jeans. I hardened further and strained to get out...to get near her warmth; to sink into any wet orifice. Oh god...

"Bella... baby... hold up..." I panted, holding onto her hands. She pulled herself up to sit beside me, smiling down at me and giving my hand a squeeze. "That feels too good. You have no idea!" I chuckled as I attempted to compose myself.

"I think I do!" she countered with a laugh of her own. Her cheeks reddened as she thought of how my mouth had felt on her neck and ear.

I frowned, turning serious. "Bella, doesn't it feel strange for you? When I touch you, I mean."

She replied without hesitation, words coming out as her thoughts formed. "There's like a one second shock, while my body registers 'COLD!'," she giggled. "But then it's just 'YES! MORE!' I can't even explain it...I'm usually very sensitive to cold things but with you, I don't care about it. I know it's going to feel _soooo_ good, I don't even think about it as being cold. Make sense?"

"No!" I laughed as I shook my head. "It makes no sense. You hate cold but you like being touched by a block of ice. No sense at all." If I couldn't see into her deepest thoughts, I'd think she was lying to make me feel better, but she was speaking the truth, as usual.

"Bella, I was wondering if we could try something..."

Her sex kitten smirk returned and she perked up beside me. "Yes."

"Yes?" I laughed. "I haven't even told you what I have in mind!"

She chewed on her lip as she drew a line across and then down my torso. "As long as it involves physical contact with you and your perfect body, I'm game."

I smirked back at her as I lifted the hem of her shirt and tugged it up and over her head. She sat, blushing slightly, in her bra as my eyes feasted on her bare skin. I wanted what was hidden though, so as my mouth took hers, my hands reached around to unclasp the unwanted material. I sucked in my breath as I watched it drop from her breasts, her perfect little pink nipples hardened already. "Ohhh, Bella..." I murmured as I dipped my head down to kiss her bare flesh. "Lay back baby. It's your turn."

She gasped as my tongue flicked over a nipple and then grabbed onto my head with both hands as I took it inside my mouth. I lost myself as I sucked on her and did everything I could to draw out the little moans she would utter from time to time. It was the fucking sexiest thing I'd ever heard. Part of me knew I should stop, but a bigger part wanted to relentlessly suck on her 'til the end of time. This was better than sucking blood. Fuck! I sucked harder as she let out another soft moan and tugged at my hair.

"Oh fuck Edward..." Gasping, she seemed fidgety and uncomfortable suddenly. I pulled away.

"Did I hurt you?"

She let out a sound that was a mix of sarcastic laugh and a groan? What did that mean? "Come here!" She pulled me back for a deep, beyond passionate kiss.

It was my turn to utter an indescribable sound. Gently, but with certain urgency, I laid her back on the pillows and positioned myself over her. I maintained as little skin on ice contact as possible so she wouldn't freeze. Her hands on my back provided me with just enough of my own pleasure to not be seeking a way inside her somehow. I was very aware that I was throbbing against her. Even through our jeans, she was aware of it as well because she pressed herself against my hardness as I dipped to indulge in her other breast.

This time, rather than sucking it in immediately, I traced my tongue along the underside of the firm globe. She moaned and threw a leg around mine. The pressure built steadily in my pants. Jesus...

I focused on the pleasure I appeared to be giving her rather than my own desire to plunge deep inside her. I teased her nipple with my mouth before finally sucking it in. I paused when she emitted the sound I was rapidly discovering was my favourite sound in the world.

"Baby, tell me if it hurts, okay?"

She panted and nodded, clutching my head with both hands to pull me back to her. I gave the second breast the same devoted attention I'd given the first, never wanting it to end. Reluctantly, I released it with a little tug between my tongue and lips, very careful not to let my teeth come in contact. She whimpered and squirmed as I went back to the first and suddenly she tensed up and held onto me for dear life. I wasn't sure I could pull myself free from her even if I tried...but I didn't. The grinding she did against me was a whole new sensation that I didn't want to disturb so I let her go with it, focusing on my self-control.

Please don't hurt her...please don't hurt her...

She shivered from head to toe as she made a new sound. I removed any bare skin contact we had but she kept my leg locked in the vice grip she had on me.

"Bella," I whispered near her ear. "Let me get a blanket for you. You're shivering honey."

Giggling between her gasps for air, she pulled me closer instead. "You can make me shiver this way anytime Iceman."

Iceman. I grinned at her new nickname for me. "You're okay? Seriously? 'Cause this is what I was going for, originally. I just wanted to see what we felt like, skin on skin...to see if we could be together like this, without clothes."

"Well, I'd say this is a 'yes'!" she giggled some more. I'd never seen her this way. She was tense, yet relaxed and utterly euphoric. "God, that was fucking amazing."

"Yeah?" I asked softly, stroking her hair. It was damp with sweat. How could she sweat with me on top of her?

"Fuck yeah," she grinned, nuzzling my neck. "Okay, so...your turn."

I tilted my head down to look at her. "My turn...?"

Grinning, she took my face in her hands. "You think I don't know how uncomfortable that must be for you? It feels like it's gonna bust right out! Let me..." Her hands went to the waistband of my jeans, in between us.

"No no no..." I muttered as I held them together in one of my own. "I think we've had enough new contact for one session."

Her eyes widened in concern. "Too much for you?"

I smiled down at her, brushing my lips against hers. "Just enough, I think. For now. I uh...actually, I'm gonna leave you just for a minute, okay?" I hated leaving her arms but I was in serious discomfort. I wrapped her up and gave her another kiss before darting into the bathroom.

I hadn't intended this to be a place to whack off, but it certainly fit the bill, I smiled to myself as I washed up. I examined my eyes closely in the mirror. A little darker than when I'd picked her up from school, but nothing drastic. More importantly, I felt completely confident that I could spend more time with her. Great, because I didn't know how I'd explain it to Renee when we showed up early. I had Bella to myself until 11.

She was standing by the door when I came out, dancing around a bit. "My turn?"

"Shit! Yeah...Bella I'm sorry. I should've let you go first..."

She smirked and placed a kiss on my chest, patting my crotch. "Yours was more urgent. I'm just a little uncomfortable...really wet...uh, yeah..." Her cheeks flushed as she thought about how stupid she was for saying that. "Um, I'll be right back..."

I smiled at her stupidly as she shut the door between us.

There was so much about this relationship that I couldn't comprehend; that made no sense to any sensible being. Yet, I'd never experienced anything that felt more real and more right than what I had just experienced with my lovely Bella. Perhaps vampires feel love more intensely than their human counterparts, but there were many inexplicable things about my human as well. So open, so trusting of me and her need to tend to me was as strong as mine was for her. Ironic that in the blink of an eye, I could change her and she'd be among the undead, as I am - yet she was the one changing me. A little more each day, I feel more alive. Amazing little human. _My_ little human.

_But my heart, it don't beat  
__It don't beat the way it used to  
__And my lips, they don't kiss  
__They don't kiss the way they used to  
__For reasons unknown..._

_(The Killers)_


	24. Chapter 24 Nothing Else Matters

_**Nothing Else Matters**_

_Never opened myself this way  
Life is ours, we live it our way  
All these words I don't just say  
And nothing else matters..._

We spent much of our school break at our newly renovated cottage, working steadily on our newly renovated relationship. I was much more at ease with her, sexually, and she was brilliant with introducing new things in just the right way.

She was also very at ease in my house filled with vampires. I'd been right all along; she and Emmett hit it off in a grand way. They loved teasing each other and although I had an underlying worry that their strange bond would irritate Rosalie, even she was exceeding my hopes for a somewhat normal relationship between my girlfriend and all family members. The thing with Rose, as Jasper knew all along, was that she still demanded my attention and as long as Emmett was occupying Bella, she had me. And as long as I got 'cool Rosalie', it suited me just fine.

On the afternoon of New Year's Eve, I went to pick Bella up. Rose and Em had left early that morning and Alice was feeling weepy. She called Renee herself to ask if Bella could come over for another hair treatment and girl time.

"You and your siblings aren't going out for New Year's Edward? There's lots of parties going on." Renee and I made small talk while waiting for Bella.

"None of us are really into that scene. We'd rather a night in."

Renee smiled warmly at me. "Your folks too? Or are they celebrating on their own?"

"My dad's working...busy night at the hospital..."

"Oh! Of course...

"My mom will be there, if that's what you're worried about." Alice had negotiated a sleep-over for me this time. And if all went as planned, Bella would get her wish. She always made mention of hating to leave my bed when it came time to take her home. I hated rousing a sleepy, spent Bella as well. So tonight, we'd have our full night together.

Renee gave her blessing and wished us a good time and we were off to appease the ladies in my house. Alice first, since Esme had gone out with Jasper. While Bella let her fuss over her, she took the opportunity to pick my sister's brain about relationships. She idolized Alice and adored how loving she was with Jazz.

I took the opportunity to prepare for our night. A very quick hunt before heading to the cottage to get it heated. I grabbed a shower there before heading back to collect Bella. I had to wash away all the reminders of the secret me.

"Bella! Alice has been playing again, I see!" Esme smiled warmly as she caught us coming down the stairs.

"Yeah, it's more red this time. Do you like it?" Bella was very comfortable with Esme and trusted her opinions.

"It's beautiful on you honey. Reminds me of Edward's colour - before Alice got a hold of him and the black dye! I don't know what possessed you Edward! You never let her touch your hair...those horrible metals things in your beautiful face are bad enough!"

"Your hair is red?" Bella asked with surprise.

"Not red..." I shook my head.

"It's more bronze... with a little copper in there," Esme interjected. "It's the most lovely colour and he does _this_ to it!"

I smiled lovingly at Esme and wrapped my arm around her shoulder. "My mom doesn't approve."

"Ohhh, I love you anyway - you know that." She gave Bella a wink as she slapped my chest.

"Mmm-hmm. Bella's staying over tonight, okay?"

She raised an eyebrow as she looked at us both. "Of course. Your mom hasn't called, Bella. She knows you're here?"

"Sure! Yeah, she knows..."

I squinted a grin at Bella. Renee was aware, so why was she acting like she was being deceptive? She blushed and looked down, avoiding my eyes.

Esme glanced at me._ 'What she doesn't know is that this time is about YOU and Bella, am I right?'_

I gave an inperceptible nod.

"Well, if she does happen to call, I'll just let her know Alice is working on your hair." Esme kept her eyes on me while she addressed Bella. _'Be respectful Edward. But do enjoy your time together...'_

I wrapped her in a tight hug. "Thanks Mom." Esme's heart had expanded to include another family member. She had very strong feelings for Bella and she couldn't disguise her utter joy that I was finally in love, myself. To her, love was the most essential thing in life. Without it, nothing mattered; but with love, nothing _else_ mattered. I could finally comprehend her sentiments.

"Your mom is so fucking cool!" Bella giggled as we left the house for our night alone.

Esme was the coolest woman, living or non-dead, I'd ever known. She got it...what living was all about...what she'd been trying to get me to understand all these decades. And now, I did.

"You know... your jeans are really a problem." Bella was on top of me, stripped to her panties.

"I'm fine with them," I mumbled around a mouthful of her sumptuous breast.

"Well _I'm_ not. They chafe. It's making me uncomfortable."

I released her boob to squint at her suspiciously. She had it figured out that I would do just about anything to please her so she was making this fit into that area. "You're chafing? Really? Oh dear. Can't have that, sweet Bella," I cooed into her ear before lifting her off my waist. "What shall we do then? Scrabble? Study? We could go for a long walk in the snow."

"Funny guy!" She rolled her eyes at me. "Edward, I really think it's time to find out what's really hidden in your pants. Have you got a prosthetic dick? It's always hard and it's massive. You can't blame me for being curious."

"So there! This wasn't anything to do with chafing, was it Bella? You just want to satisfy your own curiosity," I teased.

"Yup. Can I have a peek? I don't even have to touch it, if you don't want me to..."

Grinning, and feeling utterly 17, I gave the go-ahead. "Well if you're thinking it's a strap-on or something, you'd better check it out. We can't have you wandering around misinformed or, god forbid, curious."

Her fingers trailed across my belly as she smirked at me. She had a habit of maintaining eye contact when we were venturing into new territories. I loved that about her. I helped her out with my button and zipper since it was fairly strained and she was working blindly. I sucked in a breath as her fingers slid in the waistband.

"Too much? Should I do this on the outside first?"

I nodded, knowing exactly what she meant.

Her hand moved inside the jeans, but she acquainted herself with my very real appendage from outside my boxers. I could feel the warmth of her hand through the fabric as she gingerly stroked it. My eyes held hers as her hand moved around and as the initial flow of venom was drained from my mouth, I lifted my hips to slide the cumbersome jeans right out of the way.

She helped yank them off altogether and gave me a coy grin as both hands then ran up and down my hardened length. My moan was taken for approval when she slid her fingertips inside the remaining fabric. I hissed and sighed and chuckled as she made first bare skin contact with something only my own hands had ever touched. And jesus FUCK! She was so incredibly warm... Venom was flowing down there already.

_'He's wet! And fucking huge... oh my god...'_

Enough of that...I blocked her thoughts and closed my eyes, giving her silent permission to continue on her plight. Her wonderfully gifted hands glided up and down and around, taking advantage of my dripping venom to make her movements fluid. It was better than I'd ever imagined... all of it, but when her thumb ran soft circles around the tip, I almost lost it. Reaching down with my own hand, I held hers in place for a moment, to collect myself. When I felt controlled, I gently moved her hand away from the head and slid it up and down the shaft. Softly...slowly...

It was all under control and feeling like heaven until she made a sudden move and I felt her lips on my belly; her hair tickling my balls and base of my shaft. And her warm, wet mouth was kissing and licking and then I could feel her moist breath so very close...

"Oh god!" I cried out and shoved her away before the venom erupted, spraying across my stomach where she had been a moment earlier. Her hand stayed on me the whole time and even afterwards, but she stayed motionless until I gave the sign that it was okay. She was so good with me and my issues about control. At the moment, feeding on her was the furthest thing from my mind. I had so much adoration for her, I just wanted to wrap her up in my arms and attempt to make her understand even a fraction of what I was feeling.

As I swallowed and moved my hand out for her, she unfroze; giving me another several tugs and a whistle of admiration. "Whew! 100% real... sorry for doubting you Iceman. You've got a champion there!" She was teasing me but having heard her thoughts from earlier, I knew it wasn't all in jest.

"Scared?" I smirked as I reached for tissues to clean myself off.

"Mmm. You know, it's the strangest mix of fear and gimme some of that!" She giggled, just the way I loved and bent to kiss my belly, now free of venom. Then she crawled up and laid herself out alongside me to snuggle. Her arm went across my chest and her fingers played around with the scattering of hair there. "You're okay, right?" she asked me softly.

I placed a dozen kisses on the top of her head. "Perfect, my love. Just perfect."

"Great!" Her sex kitten grin was in place when she looked up at me. "Can I play some more now?"

And so we had our first night with no time restrictions. I remained in control and for the most part, 17. My lust was that of a 17-year-old, certainly. But my love for her was a testiment to my time spent on Earth. No kid could love so intensely, so completely. No kid would restrain their urges, as I most definitely was, for the sake of having their girl know what a love without expectation of gratification felt like. I didn't demand a thing, didn't ask a thing of her. I simply let her find her way around my stone body and loved her all the while.

"Mmmm," I mumbled as she nuzzled on my neck. "That feels really good."

"You never tell me what you want." She nuzzled some more and ran her fingers over my bare chest. "So Iceman, what do you want?"

I smiled contently. "This."

"And that's it? Seriously?" She propped herself up on an elbow to look at me. "Open your eyes."

I complied, still smiling.

"Is there something you want me to do for you? Every time we're together, it's always about me."

"Have you forgotten earlier on already?" I chuckled.

"No way... do you want more of that? Or _more_, period? Are you ready for more?"

"Honestly? I don't know." My voice was very low, being completely honest.

"Okay. Well... how 'bout you tell me what you like so I know for the future..."

I laughed against her hair as I held her. "I like this." I laughed again when she responded with a groan of frustration. "Okay, okay... I like you kissing my neck. That feels awesome. And..."

"Go on..." She propped her chin on her arms as she laid on my chest, watching me with great interest.

"Um, well... earlier... uh, that first time..."

She placed her hand on my already expanding dick as I stuttered my way through. It reacted to her touch instantly. "Okay, so we have a ready and willing model... what did you like from earlier?" She stroked me as I pressed my head back against the pillows. "This is kind of predictable, don't you think? Every guy likes this...what's your thing?"

"What's yours?" I countered, my voice cracking as she gave a particularly sensational tug just at that moment.

"Um, apparently you sucking on me. I've never had such explosive orgasms. Jesus... " She trembled just thinking about it. "So what's yours?"

"Oh god! That! For one..." I cried out as she ran her finger around the head in circles. Venom oozed out as she did.

"Obviously!" She giggled as she took advantage of my natural lubricant and used it to draw even more circles. The more she did, the more I oozed. "Ahhh! I've discovered your thing!"

"It's called a penis, Bella," I teased. "Let's be mature about this."

She gave me a kiss as she grinned, gradually deepening it until my mouth filled with venom as well.

"Iceman, you like wet things," she taunted playfully. "It's not just the motion down there, it's the wetness...am I right?"

I nodded, my face contorted in erotic pleasure. "That...and your warmth. I wonder what..." What do you feel like inside, my Bella? Is it even warmer where it's moist... like your mouth?

And so, that first night of unrestricted time together, she opened herself up to me and I discovered that yes, she was indeed extremely warm and really fucking wet inside. My Bella either had a love for me that rivalled my own for her, or she was still seeking that pain she desired when she'd had sexual encounters before me because she took my icy fingers without expressing any amount of discomfort. In fact, she came twice.

"Tell me something else I don't know about you Iceman," Bella murmured against my chest.

"Baby, aren't you going to sleep at all tonight?" I gave her head a soft kiss. I was loving every second with her, but I was also concerned about her human requirements. She should be tired... and hungry. "Let me up for a sec?" I pulled my jeans on and gave her another kiss before leaving to tend to her other needs; adding wood to the fires and fixing her a snack.

"It is New Year's," I announced as I returned with a plate for her and passed her a glass. "Sparkling grape juice."

She grinned and drank it down thirstily. "My mother would so approve," she giggled.

"Yeah? She'd approve of me feeding you strawberries as you lie naked in my bed?"

"Well... okay, point taken. But still - you're good for me. You're good TO me. I love you for that."

And there, she'd said it; what she'd been thinking for weeks - months. I took the glass from her as she berated herself mentally for spurting it out that way. Sitting on the edge of the bed, I held her chin and kissed her gently at first, and then with all the emotion I felt at the moment.

"Bella, what you just said... that goes both ways. You're the best thing that ever happened to me. Seriously. EVER. And I love you so much."

She brushed away a tear; a happy tear, as she hugged me. "I love you so much Iceman. You have no idea..."

But I did. And while it felt exhilarating to be loved by this fantastic human being, I also felt like I was the cruelest being in the world for letting her feel that way. Knowing that it wouldn't... couldn't end well.

I eased out of her hold and sat with my head in my hands, debating my move. "Bella, I think you should read my journal."

She look at me curiously. "The one you read to me from? Sure...but why?"

I shook my head. "A new one. I just started." Opening the drawer by the bed, I took out the new journal and laid it on the table. "You can read it if you'd like. Or not, if you prefer. It's your choice. I'm going to go wash up a bit. And you should eat." I popped a cheese wedge in her mouth as I stood and left her on her own.

_'He's going to leave me...'_

My still heart felt like it was being crushed as I stood alone in the bathroom. Fuck, I was the most vile creature that ever roamed this planet. She had opened herself to me, completely and even as she realized that I would, one day, destroy everything we'd shared, she still loved me. Her thoughts were hitting me like bullets, even from another room. She was reading my journal entry. My double-thinking journal entry that I'd written the night before I'd first brought her to the improved cottage.

Her voice echoed through my mind as she read to herself:

_Almost a new year. Another year...how they come and go..._

_This one is ending quite differently than the others. Much has changed. I've changed. For the first time, I'm truly grateful to have been spared; to have been offered this chance to experience what I have. The long, lonely days of suffering were all worth these past months. If only I knew how long it could go on. I dread thinking of it, and yet I must. An end is inevitable. Perhaps these days will somehow manage to light my world on the darkest of days to come. _

_I've written, briefly, about the cause of this change; the great and wondrous disturbance of my self-hatred. I'm eternally grateful for any time with my angel - my gift from the heavens, though I doubt I deserve her._

_She, this gift, is the reason for my lack of entries. Instead of writing, I've been living. _

_My angel asks nothing of me, yet I want to give her the world. She's become my world. There is Bella and nothing else. Nothing that matters. Every hour...every second... she is on my mind. In my heart. _

_When so long ago, I'd lost faith in humankind, with their insincerity, greed and selfishness... one little angel reversed all of that. She is everything they are not and she's shown me there is hope._

_I'm in love. _

_What can I possibly offer her in return? I could buy her anything, take her anywhere, give her everything she desires - with the exception of the only things she does desire..._

I stopped punishing myself and blocked her rebuttal thoughts as she read the 3 items on my list. I busied myself in the shower, getting my emotions in check before I could face her again. I dreaded thinking that she'd be hurt by my written words, but it was better for her in the long run to know...to be prepared.

We had time enough to fall deeply in love with each other. And we have now. Nothing else really mattered.

_Trust I seek and I find in you  
Every day for us something new  
Open mind for a different view  
And nothing else matters..._

_(Metallica)_


	25. Chapter 25 Sometimes I Wish

_**Sometimes (I Wish)**_

_If I was a simple man  
And I could make you understand  
There'd be no reason to think twice  
You'd be my sun; you'd be my light..._

Bella was getting dressed when I came out; panties and bra already on. When I started to turn away to give her privacy, she beckoned for me to stay, pulling my shirt on for coverage. It didn't do much, honestly, with the buttons undone.

"You read it?" I asked, without needing a reply.

"We should talk." Her tone was firm, yet gentle all at once. I couldn't read her, nor get a feel for her general mood; confusion, most likely. She should be confused by everything I do and don't do.

I leaned against the dresser across from the bed rather than taking the spot she cleared next to her. I remained silent. What was there to say? I love you, dearest heart but one day... I _will_ kill you. That hardly seemed appropriate.

"Okay Iceman," she started out softly. "What's going on inside that beautiful head of yours? I know you don't feel you've been a good person and you've said you have rage issues. And you say you're happier now than you have ever been... but what I read? Dude. You are seriously fucking depressed!"

Shit. Shit, shit, SHIT! Certainly, she was confused; I'd been right somewhat. But the vibe now was concern... for me. I sighed heavily and glowered at the floor. "It's not a depression Bella. It's my reality." I tried to keep my tone even though inside, anger and guilt battled to surface.

"Edward... I don't mean to be condescending, but I know depression when I see it - well, read it, in this case. You've kept this part from me because all I've seen lately is you being very calm and content. Is that the dishonesty you wrote about? Are you _not_ happy?"

She'd selected honesty as the first thing to discuss from my list of things I could not give her. I was right in that being most important to her. How is this best handled? Do I lie now? Make her believe it was never what she thought? Tell her it's over now? Ultimately, I wanted to cause her the least amount of pain. And I didn't _want_ to lie to her. Still avoiding her eyes, I looked up. "The past few months have been an act. I've been _acting_ like the person I want to be... but I'm not that guy. I can never _be_... that guy. You do make me happy, Bella. Unbelievably happy! But this doesn't have a happily ever after. My heart belongs to you, but I won't be here to see this through."

I took a chance, glancing at her and caught the tears shimmering in her eyes. They weren't falling yet, but they were eminent. "Why?" she asked in a whisper. "Edward, is your illness degenerative? Will you die from it?"

A sound escaped me that sounded like an ironic snort. In reality it was that and more... I couldn't fucking DIE! _EVER!_ But it was killing me that she was thinking I was dying and concerned about my health in all of this. I didn't deny it, nor confirm; instead my emotions took over, a little of that rage I'd kept internalized coming through, though in muted tones. "I have spent...so long... most of my life, wishing I were dead. Hating my very existence _SO MUCH_ that if there were ever a God, and I was worthy of His compassion, He should have taken me. Yet here I stand. That tells me two things: I'm not worthy of any sort of compassion, and I'm stuck here." I watched as the tears that had brimmed her eyes spilled out and trickled down her soft cheeks. "I've condemned myself. And if I let this go on, it'll only be worse..."

"_Condemned?_ Jesus, Edward? What is it you've done?" She wiped at her tears angrily. "No! Don't answer that... it doesn't matter! Whatever it is, you've made amends. Today, you're a good person! Why can't you believe that?"

"Because today, I'm worse than ever. Because today, I covet something I shouldn't... and I've dragged you along..."

"_Dragged _me? What are you, a fucking caveman? Look, I'm in this equally. I chose to be with you. I _choose_ to love you. Are you listening Edward? Because I'm only saying this once... _YOU _don't get to choose what's right for both of us. Got it? You're not gonna squirm out of this because of your stupid conscience. That says you think so little of me... that I'm not a rationally thinking person; that I can't decide for myself who to love." The tears were flowing out of anger now as she paced back and forth in front of me. "So what, I'm an airhead who only sees what she wants to see? Is that what you think?"

"No..." I uttered, unable to think of anything that expressed my feelings.

"Good. 'Cause I'm not! And you know what I'm seeing right now? A dickhead coward who's trying to use his lost beliefs as an excuse to throw away his happiness! And don't act like you're being all heroic doing this for me because it's NOT for me. It's for you, and you alone. If you've got issues you need to deal with... finding religion or breaking out of your depression... just DO it for fuck sake and stop torturing yourself! And ME! You can't DO this Edward! You don't have the right to tell me I can't love you the way that I do and you cannot take it from me!"

She was livid now, screaming at me without even bothering to pace. I felt an odd mixture of guilt and extreme pride in Bella, that she could express herself this way. I gave her a moment, as she stood before me, her chest heaving with anger, before I spoke. "Is there more? Are you through screaming at me?" I asked calmly.

Her cheeks reddened. "I think so. Yeah."

"Good, because it's difficult to take you seriously in your underwear."

Her eyes shot up at my attempt to crack a joke. "You are a dickhead, making jokes... really? This is funny to you?"

Groaning, I reached for her. "At least do up some buttons. This is very distracting."

"You have serious fucking issues Edward," she grumbled as her fingers worked quickly to oblige my request.

"I've told you I'm socially inadequate. I don't know how to react when my girlfriend screams at me!"

"Okay, well, Social Behaviour 101... don't ogle my tits while I'm freaking out on you. And don't try to joke around when I'm really fucking pissed!"

"Okay okay! I got it! Can we stop screaming now? I find it really difficult to not cross the line when I'm this riled, alright!"

"Argh! Why is this all about you? Maybe you _should_ scream back, ever think of that? Maybe you have rage issues because you keep it bottled until you explode!"

"Maybe I have rage issues because of what I AM!" I shouted, bending to look her in the eye. "Ever think of THAT? Maybe I have rage issues because I HATE what I am! Do you know what it's like to live like that? Do you know what's it's like to prefer DEATH to living like I do?"

She held my angry gaze steadily. "I actually do, yeah."

And there I stood, the biggest dickhead she had ever encountered. Of course she knew something about that... she had told me she'd wanted to die after Riley had. Who was I to determine my death wish was grander than hers? "Bella... baby, I'm so sorry..." I softened instantly. The rage drained and all but evaporated. "That was a heartless thing to say to you. Please, please say you'll forgive me."

"Of course I do. Until tonight, I had no idea you were hurting so much, for so long. We can do this Iceman." Her anger was gone just as quickly. "We know the same pain. We can help each other. Don't shut me out. I won't let you push me away. I love you too much."

* * *

And so in the first hours of the new year, we had our first major argument and our first make-up dry hump. Only it wasn't very dry. We'd both have to break out our spare clothes when the time came to be fully dressed and presentable once more.

"Okay, so time isn't really an issue now... right?"

"Hmm?" I murmured as I kissed behind her ear. "It's not dawn yet, but aren't you the least bit sleepy? How will we explain to Renee that you slept the whole day because you were up ALL night?"

Bella laughed into my chest. "I don't mean actual time, like here and now. I'm talking about your list. Time was one of the things you couldn't give me. So, you won't die on me tomorrow, and I'm not letting you leave me so we've got time. And we're definitely on a roll with the intimacy thing." She kissed my jaw and worked her way over to my ear for a nibble.

God...I couldn't _think_ when she did that...let alone even toy with the notion that one day, I wouldn't have that, or her, at all. Pushing away the reality for just another sweet moment in current time, I focused on Bella's touch and we made love in our own way once more; gratifiying sex even without that final step I didn't know if we could ever make. I could control myself with what we were doing, but I didn't trust myself enough for intercourse.

"Edward?" she mumbled sleepily against my shoulder. "I'm sorry, but I have to do this... that last item on your list is bothering me. I do value honesty. I've told you things about myself I never thought I'd speak of, because I think you deserve to know what you're getting."

"There's nothing you could tell me that would make me love you less, Bella."

"I feel the same Edward! Don't you see that? Why do you keep yourself closed to me?"

I stroked her hair softly and wrapped her in another blanket as she tried to suppress a shiver. "You'll hate my answer for that," I warned her quietly. "It's for you."

I received the eye roll I'd anticipated.

"It truly is Bella. I try my best to be honest with you... I find my way to telling you truths as I can, but there are some things you just can't know about." I caressed her cheek as she looked up at me. "I have no choice in it. If there were a way... Bella, there just isn't. I'm sorry I can't explain more."

"Okay," she whispered and placed a soft kiss on my chest before laying her head on it. Surely she'd notice the absence of a heartbeat like this.

She made no sign of noticing, my angel. My amazing little human.

"Just like that," I whispered back to her. "I have a secret life and you're...okay with that?"

She gave it some thought, without me being privy to any. "I have no choice in it." She turned my words on me with a smirk. "Tell me one lie Iceman; one thing you've been dishonest with me about. And then I'll forget about it."

It was my turn to hesitate, taking a moment to ponder which of the lies to expose. It seemed like a fair deal and she was right; a couple deserved to know what they were getting in each other. She couldn't know my absolute truth, but she could know me better. "I wasn't honest with you about Rosalie. There's a story..."

"Which I already know." Her fingers twirled in my chest hair casually as she interrupted. "Jasper told me. You didn't lie. You just didn't tell me she wanted you first."

"So that doesn't count?" I smirked. "Okay then... that first weekend after we got to know each other, I didn't go to visit my brother with my family. I did go on my own, later on, as I told you... but not that other time."

"Where were you?"

"At home," I stated quietly.

"You couldn't deal with me..."

"I couldn't deal with people. Bella, it's the same reason I miss so much school or why I make excuses sometimes not to see you. There are just times that I can't be around people...so I lie." Pausing to kiss the top of her head softly, I wished once more it didn't have to be this way. "Lying is part of my daily life Bella. It comes so naturally that even I believe the lies myself sometimes. So that's what you get with me. Do you still choose me? Knowing I lie just like you breathe?"

"Here's the deal...you know honesty is important to me, and I know there's a secret part to your life that you can't share. Know what I think? I think you want to share and, I think the lies don't come so easily for you anymore. I think, Iceman, we can break down the wall brick by brick if you'll trust me. I will take your secret to the grave with me, I swear to you."

That's what I fear most, my precious Bella; an early grave, courtesy of me in some way. "I do trust you..."

She planted a soft kiss on my lips. "Here's what we do – you admitted a lie, the weekend – I accept that you felt it was necessary. I don't like it, but I accept it. Now, tell me 2 truths; and they can't be fluff, Edward. I want something that I don't know about you."

I couldn't help but chuckle; her candid request seemed very simple. Could I do it? I did trust her... why not... "2 truths, huh? Well, let's see..."What could I tell her that would open myself up to her, yet not give away my family's secret? She watched on with interest as I gave it some thought. Would she still love me if she knew the real me? _Could_ she? Or does she prefer me with secrets? Maybe that's her attraction to me... I had to think of something real, without being revealing.

"Okay, truth – I was born in Chicago."

"Seriously? You're American? I didn't know that! Did you live here with your parents, or did you move here with the Cullens?"

"With the Cullens...is that my second truth?" I smirked.

"Think again mister. Another one like that please." She cuddled in, now comfortable that I was going to play along with her truth game.

I decided to trust her with something more relevant to our relationship and my secret life. If it was the mystery about my hidden self that she was drawn to, she'd like this one. "I don't eat," I blurted out.

Giggling, she kissed my chest. "I know that, silly. I don't know how you can stay in such excellent shape without eating. I mean, your body is rock hard! I'd swear you have a protein-only diet to build this kind of muscle. So seriously, what do you eat? And when?"

"I just told you... I don't. Ever. My body can't digest food."

Pulling herself up to look at me, Bella stared into my eyes. "You're serious. So I've uncovered another lie... you didn't try a burger, like you told me."

"Oh no, that was true! I did attempt it and let's just say it wasn't just a distaste...it's something I really can't do."

"It made you sick?"

I nodded, still serious and still. Was I divulging too much?

"Then why...?"

And, in case she loved me for the simple man I wanted to be; "I tried it because I wanted to see how normal I could be...for you..."

"You made yourself sick, for me? Edward! Don't ever do that again!" The fury was back in her eyes, backed by serious concern.

"You don't care that I can't ever take you to dinner and share a meal with you; like a normal couple?"

Her anger softened and a playful grin crept up. "I prefer our time together private anyway. And I hate wasting any time with you eating." Her lips pressed against mine before she pulled back, chewing on her lip. This truth wasn't done with – she still had more questions for me.

"I get that you can't eat because of the digestion thing, but how do you keep nourished? IV? Is that why you have to stay home sometimes? You can tell me Edward...it stays between us."

I sighed, knowing this was getting too risky. I'd gone too far. "Let's just say I have a liquid diet. Not intravenously...but strictly liquid."

She smirked after giving me another kiss. "And this conversation comes to an end, right? It's part of your secret life?"

I grabbed her up in my arms as I snickered. "Enough of my secret life...you're my real life. And you should be sleeping." She finally relented and let herself drift off. I laid beside her once she was deeply asleep and for the first time, allowed myself to go into her thoughts as she dreamt.

Her mind took me to her room, only it wasn't the room in Phil's house. It had character. It told me it was Bella's space. But she was tearing down posters she had on the walls... her favourite emo bands being torn to shreds. _'You don't know what pain is!'_ she was screaming as she tore at them. She moved onto her desk, where she picked up a photo; one she had taken of me in my room and she held it to her chest as she sobbed. _'You can't do this Edward...you can't take yourself from me...'_

I watched on, despite the anguish it caused for me. She pulled up her sleeve and examined her tribute to Riley. Her thin fingers caressed the scars. I watched in horror as they mutated into something grotesque and fresh. In place of the letters 'CRS' was 'EC' in a large, ugly welt. The transformation pleased her. She smiled and then her mind took us to the riverbank where we laid watching the sun reflect off the gentle ripples in the water. A look of concern passed over her face as she looked into my eyes and trailed her fingers softly against my cheekbone. _'We need to get back now...you're not feeling well...' _Taking me by the hand, she led me to our cottage where Carlisle awaited with a bag of clear fluid hung from a pole. Bella sat at my bedside, stroking my arm as the IV dripped nourishment into me. The fluid turned to red and she smiled as she leaned in to kiss my forehead. _'You'll be better soon Iceman. This is just what you need...I know...'_

Locking myself out of her dreams, I eased out of the bed and went into the main room. Her dreams led me to believe I'd revealed too much. She knew. Even if she hadn't pieced it together entirely, subconsciously, she knew what I was and what I would do. This might be better, in the long run. If she knew and was able to keep it to herself, she'd be safe. And surely she would understand why we couldn't have a lifetime together. If I could make her happy until it was no longer possible to be together as human and undead, at least she would have these days to remember when she moved on.

* * *

I began the new year knowing 2 things: I was deeply committed to and in love with this human and I could trust her implicitly. My heart told me the first as I watched her stirring from her sleep. Her eyes told me the second as she looked at me, remembering how I'd opened myself to her during the night just enough to make her comfortable. I waited while she showered and dressed and then we strolled up to the main house.

It was snowing lightly and the tiny flakes clung to eyelashes as she smiled up at me. An overwhelming urge to pour my heart out overtook me so I did.

"Bella..." I took her arm and held her in place as I turned to her. "I want you to know... I love you; with all my heart, I love you. I know I can trust you. Thank you for understanding what you don't even know... for trusting in me and making this simple..."

"It is simple, Iceman. I love you too. Simple."

Sometimes I wish I could freeze a moment in time. If it were possible, this would be my day. The day I was honest enough. The day I trusted in someone enough. The day I completely gave my heart to my beautiful, loving human. The day when I realized I had made a grave error in doing so would come soon enough, but today, this was my shining moment in life.

_Sometimes I wonder why  
I'm so full of these endless rhymes  
About the way I feel inside  
I wish…  
Sometimes…_

_(City and Colour)  
_

* * *

_A/N ~ I have to share a note about the song from this chapter, because if anyone doesn't know the wonders of Dallas Green, you're missing out. I have seen City and Colour 3 times and EVERY time there's a 'Holy f**k... DUDE!' moment. He's a pure musician who you just know FEELS his songs. Dallas and a guitar, live... it doesn't get any better. Needless to say, I highly recommend the version of this song from the live album. And if the opportunity to see him in person, especially in a very small venue, ever presents itself, jump on it! He's amazing. _

_Thanks for reading! XX ~ SR_


	26. Chapter 26 Don't Stay

_**Don't Stay**_

_Sometimes I feel like I trusted you too well  
Sometimes I just feel like screaming at myself  
Sometimes I'm in disbelief I didn't know  
Somehow I need to be alone…_

I spent a good portion of the first month of the year absent from school. There were few breaks from the sun in this unusually dry period. Luckily, it got dark very early so I was able to go see Bella at her house, or take her out to the cottage or home to spend some time with Alice. Of course, she never questioned me; even on the days I would show up to drive her to school but didn't go to classes, myself. I would wait in the car and drop her off near the school. Sometimes I simply couldn't wait until dusk to see her.

My trust in her grew stronger as she accepted it all and continued to know just when to stop me during our intimate times. She could do practically anything to me now and I felt in control of my inner monster and I had even delved into her warmth on several more occasions with gentle fingers to get her more accustomed to my icy touch inside. She only flinched with initial contact; thereafter, she opened herself for me with anticipation of the pleasure to come. It seemed enough for her and it was quite easily manageable for me so it worked all around.

I was so comfortable with our relationship that I was only slightly annoyed when she showed up at the cottage after school one sunny day, unannounced. Sure, she didn't know that she could catch me unfed, but she did know that I insisted on warning. She pouted as I chastised her decision but I melted when she kissed me in apology. Refusing her suggestion to go into the bedroom, instead, I opened her bag and took out her homework. It was a safe activity and when she was done, I rewarded her with more kisses.

Those kisses led, as they always did, to the removal of clothes and further exploits into gratification. I was simply unable to refuse her when she made those soft moans that she did as I sucked on her breasts or probed her moist folds. Still seated, she had slid down the couch so her bottom was at the very edge of the cushion as I coaxed her towards an orgasm with my fingers. I left the mound I was sucking on when I noticed it turning an angry red...too much. I traced over her abdomen with my frigid tongue, sending shivers through her as she came around my fingers. So wet... so warm...

And the scent of her come filled my nostrils.

"God, Bella! I want to taste you!" I murmured as I kissed around her belly button and headed for her pelvic bone. Her hips lifted in agreement. Kneeling before her, I kissed along her inner thigh , lost in the erotic scent that drew me to the warmest place on her. She sucked in a breath as my tongue reached those warm folds, but I kept going, knowing she'd adjust to the coldness. Soon she was writhing against my mouth as I lapped up her juices and teased her pert clit. Crying out as my tongue darted inside, she came for me again and I went mad with the taste and scent that filled me in every way.

Ohhhh fuck... she tasted just as good as I'd imagined all these months. Better, in fact. I wanted more. So I took more and she didn't complain nor stop me.

She didn't stop me.

When she cried out for the third time, she pulled me up for a deep, passionate kiss. "I wanna do it, Iceman. Will you try for me? Please?"

"Bella..." I groaned around her hot mouth. "I'll hurt you..."

"We'll go slow. I'm ready for you Edward. And you're ready too. Trust me."

"I do..." I did. Too far into arousal to reason with myself for trusting this human I held so dearly, so much, I went along with her wishes. My jeans were shed immediately and I positioned myself between her legs as I took another delicious kiss. She moaned, high on the mix of my venom and her own juice.

"Now Iceman...I want you in me... now..." She held my granite dick and guided me towards her warmth. She rubbed herself against me to get me wet before attempting to slide in. Just that contact alone produced my own version of venom–laced pre-come, so when I felt her ease the head inside, the rest followed smoothly with our combined moisture.

"Oh... fuck!" I groaned as I felt her muscles contract around me. So tight! And HOT! I froze for a few moments, revelling in the brand new sensation of being inside a pussy. I had come many times courtesy of her hand, and thought I'd reached Eden the times she'd had me in her mouth, but none of that compared to the feel of her tight pussy around my dick. Not even close.

Bella thought I was pausing for her sake. So trusting in me. "It's okay baby... you're not hurting me. It feels soooo good." She pulled back slightly so she could begin moving with me inside. Two slides up and down was all I needed to get lost in Bella's pussy.

I held onto her hips as tightly as I dared as I thrusted in and out, kissing her and sucking on her tongue when she offered it to me. She gripped my hips without a need for gentleness and held on tightly as we moved together. "I love you Bella," I grunted against her cheek. "You have no idea..."

"I do... keep going Iceman... it's so good..."

And then she uttered that sound that drove me wild.

And I wanted more. I wanted Bella on my dick in ways that I'd seen from others' thoughts. Pulling out quickly, I caught her off guard and she protested immediately. She was close to another orgasm.

"Shhh, shhh, my love... you'll have yours..." I cooed as I sat on the couch and pulled her on top of me. She spread herself to accept me inside once again and came the instant she had taken it all in. I continued bouncing her on my erection the whole while as she moaned and gripped my shoulders. "Come for me again, sweet Bella. I want to taste you next time."

I pulled her off and laid her out on her back when I felt her nearing the next wave. Burying my face in her wetness again, I lapped it up while tugging on myself. "Fuck, Bella... I need to come..."

She stopped me as I perched over her, dick in hand. "Edward... do you have a condom? I mean, I want you to come... it's only fair..."

"I'll pull out..." I grumbled as positioned myself against her.

"Iceman, you leak a lot. No offense, but I don't want your kid right now."

I paused long enough to hear her words and offer assurance. "I can't make you pregnant Bella. It's not a possibility." Only living creatures could reproduce.

And so, I prepared to enter her again, taking it a little slower this time. I did love this girl and wanted her to feel that love, not just the sex. The desire and urgency built inside me at an alarming rate as I stroked in and out tenderly. This wasn't cutting it. I pulled out and flipped her over in one movement, entering her pussy from behind.

"Oh! Jesus...fuck!"

"Mmm, my sentiments exactly!" Bella giggled as she moved against me.

I leaned forward to nuzzle the back of her neck as I bucked in and out. She made her sound and another sound entirely came from me. Was that a growl? Had I fucking _growled_? The panic lasted only as long as it took her to reach back and grab hold of my ass to shove me in further. And as I rammed against her, the animal came into play. I wanted to fuck her like she'd never been fucked. I would make her come and drink from her again. Oh, how I wanted to drink from her...

"Bella...I want you to be mine...forever..." I mumbled against her ear soothingly. It was true, but it wasn't the man in me professing my undying love; it was the monster luring her in.

She shuddered against me as she nodded her agreement. She would give anything to have that. I'd made it her desire as well.

"Yes," I whispered. "My sweet Bella..." Give yourself...

As I pressed my lips to her neck, I rammed myself as deep inside her as I could. I would taste her as I came. She'd have my venom spreading throughout her body entirely and she would be mine. Forever. I could practically taste her already as my mouth overflowed with my venom. I was so near... Give yourself, sweet Bella. Come with me...

"Ow! Edward..." Bella suddenly cried out. "Oh... baby that's a little too hard..."

In that instant, I was back. The man in me, horrified and disgusted by the things the monster had imagined and hoped for. I pulled out and ran from her as she called after me. She thought she'd done something wrong... she had, of course. She hadn't stopped me. Better she feel bad that be dead. Or undead. I locked the door of the bathroom behind me and stood at the sink as heaves came from deep within my body. I regurgitated every drop of fluid I'd taken from her along with the venom I'd swallowed. I'd had no right.

"Edward? Are you sick?" Bella called from outside the door.

"Just... I need a few minutes..." I called back, trying to sound less frantic than I was. "I'm okay... just go wait for me." Go home, Bella. Please.

I cried tearlessly; as I now knew what that feeling was, I could identify it. I'd come so close to killing the only girl I'd ever loved. Gripping the sink, I looked up to see the monster in the mirror. He stared back with eyes so dark blood-red they appeared black. Dammit! I pounded the mirror with my fist, shattering my reflection since I couldn't destroy myself.

"Edward?" I heard Bella call from the main room. "Are you okay? Do you need help? Should I call Carlisle?"

"No!" I shouted. YES! I pleaded silently. Call him. Make him take you away from me. Please... "I'm... I'll be right with you." I ran some water and splashed my face to calm myself down. I would have to see her home safely. Somehow, I had to pull it together enough to get her to safety.

When I felt calmer, I let myself out, closing the door behind me. She sat on the edge of the bed, wearing only my shirt. Her concerned eyes bore into me as I glanced her way.

"Get dressed," I barked as I stormed past her. "I'm taking you home now."

"What happened in there Edward? I heard a crash..."

"Nothing. The mirror fell. That's all. Come on, let's go."

"We should talk about this..."

"Let's GO!" There was no time to sweet talk her. If we stayed here any longer, I couldn't guarantee my thirst would not overwhelm me. The rage was already out of my control.

She whimpered quietly as she dressed. It was the worst sound I'd ever hear from her. The sound of her heart breaking.

"I'm going to get the car. Be ready when I return." Slamming the door behind me to shut out her sobs, I watched her through her thoughts as I ran. The first thing she'd done was to go see the damage I'd caused in the bathroom. Then she went to the drawer where I kept my journal and read through the entries I'd made since the last one I'd had her read. She was prepared when I returned. She knew it was over.

"We can't do this anymore," I said softly as we sat in front of her house.

"It was my fault..." she started to protest.

"NO! You did nothing Bella! Don't you see? _THIS_ is who I am! You gave yourself to me out of love and I fucking..." I gripped the steering wheel as I struggled to keep the rage inside. If only she'd stopped me...

But she had. In the end, she had. It was the only thing that had saved her.

"Bella, I'm sorry. I've never loved anyone like I love you, but I can't do this anymore. It's too..."

Difficult.

Dangerous.

Stupid.

She cried silent tears beside me, knowing she couldn't talk me out of it this time.

"I'm sorry Bella. It has to be this way."

She took a deep breath. "I'm out entirely? We're not even friends anymore?"

I considered that. If I could keep her in my life safely, I'd rather that... but I'd tasted her and it was something I'd never forget. "Whatever you need."

"I need you..._us_..."

"Except that." My statement was firm.

She slipped out of my car, tears streaming down her cheeks as she looked at me one last time. "I love you Iceman. You're the best thing that ever happened to me. Know that. Remember that."

I screamed out my pain only once she was inside. And then I sped off to feed on whatever crossed my path first. I just prayed it wouldn't be human.

I stayed locked in the cottage for more than a week. I didn't feed, I didn't weep. I was locking myself in that place between man and vampire again. I couldn't be either. And I couldn't be dead. No one else needed to be involved in my new pity party so I stayed away from family as well.

Alice, however, being Alice...knew my anguish. She also knew I wasn't answering any of Bella's calls or texts. I'd put her in a place she hated as well; between me and her new best friend. She loved Bella, differently than I did, but equal to me. It broke her heart to see Bella worrying over me and distraught about our break-up. She never mentioned to Alice that we'd finally had sex. Or that I'd drilled her like a fucking animal. Alice never mentioned to her that she knew... and that I had come within a hair of taking her life. And so, each day after school, Alice would visit and relate the day's events and then hold me for hours if I needed her to.

"Just go talk to her Edward," Alice said one day while she stroked my back in an embrace. "She'll understand honey."

"I can't put her in more danger Alice. I may have been able to stop that once, but who knows next time?"

"_I_ know. And you know that I know. Edward, don't be stubborn!"

"Okay, so you see _me_ not killing her...what about others? The Volturi? I know you can't see them the way you see me."

She admitted I was right, in silence. "Still, she misses you horribly Edward. You were more than her boyfriend you know."

"I know," I whispered before dismissing her.

The next day, I decided I would go for a hunt and then pay a visit to my love. Just to ease her worries.

Renee opened the door to me but not with her usual smile and wide open welcome. Instead, she stepped out on the porch with me. I could read her disappointment through her eyes, her thoughts weren't necessary. Her words stung even more.

"I thought you were different. I thought you'd be the one for Isabella...her heart is breaking, you know that?"

"I know." Mine, as well.

"What are you doing here Edward? Have you come to apologize? Ask her to take you back? Rub her nose in it some more...what?"

"I... uh... I don't really know. I just... I'm very worried about her..."

"Should've thought of that before you made her fall in love with you," she said sadly. The anger was still brimming behind the sadness, but the disappointment spoke louder than both. "If you still don't know what it is you want, then I suggest you leave her alone Edward. You were right about one thing... she is stronger than I ever gave her credit for."

"Then you're not medicating her again?"

She stared at me incredulously, like I had any right to ask anything. Like I could know what's best for Bella. "She's coping. For now."

I nodded, letting out a sigh of relief. I couldn't bear to think of Grey returning.

"Just leave her be Edward," Renee advised softly. "She has abandonment issues, she doesn't need another man in and out of her life. I'll see her through this. I know what's best for my daughter."

"If you could just..." I stood there helplessly, wanting to beg to see her one more time. "Please just let her know...somehow...that..." What? What would I have her mother say for me? I'm sorry I fucked you like an animal? I'm sorry I couldn't control myself enough to love you like the man you deserve to have? "I'm so very sorry." I stepped back and turned to leave.

"I'll tell her," Renee called out gently. "Take care Edward."

I stood for endless seconds, not knowing if Renee had left me on my own or if she stayed to see that I did leave. "I'll always love her," I stated quietly before I took off for the comfort of my car.

My car took me on my search for more comfort... far away from all that I loved; all that I could hurt. Driving for days on end, I finally stopped when the rugged path I was on ended. I knew from the last road signs I'd seen, I was somewhere in Nova Scotia. My family had never settled out here, it seemed a perfect place to lose myself. The woods were vast and even the nearest towns were sparsely populated. I could live out here on my own, without anyone knowing of my existence.

Of course, Alice knew. She called every 5 minutes until I finally relented and picked up. Reaming me out for leaving without a word to anybody, she didn't stop until she had it out of her system and I didn't even attempt to stop her. She gave it to me for Esme as well, who was absolutely livid that I hadn't said goodbye.

"Tell her I'm sorry Alice. Please do what you can? Ask Jazz to help?" I pleaded with her. "I need to do this. It's best for Bella too."

She disagreed, but agreed to keep my whereabouts between us. I spent every day, consciously changing my mind about where I'd head next, just to throw Alice off in case I wanted to be lost for good. Maybe I needed a complete break from the coven as well.

The days turned into weeks as I roamed on my own, never seeing a single soul. In those weeks, I acted out another failed starvation attempt. It had lasted more than 3 weeks. My longest ever. I prayed over the body of the innocent deer that had met me at the wrong moment and regurgitated half of what I'd taken from her. _Her_. Not only had I failed at starving myself, I'd taken a doe... a mother, no doubt. I had only ever taken bucks for that reason. I couldn't even be a proper 'vegetarian vampire'.

One day, I caught my reflection in the glistening water as I rinsed any remnants of blood from my hunt off. I sparkled in the water, just as I did in life. I looked alien with my sunken, dark eyes surrounded by glittering white skin. My true form laid out for me in a portrait in the lake as the blood flowed around my image. I snorted, half laugh/half sob, as I watched the blood ooze across my pale reflection. The sounds continued from me as I collapsed by the lake. Eventually, I crawled into the small hole I'd discovered in the side of the mountain. I believe Bella had accused me of acting like a caveman at one point, and now I was. I laughed/sobbed until my entire body ached and then I laughed/sobbed that I could cause myself pain, but not end it. Ever.

I was trapped once again. The cave I went slowly mad in was my prison. My own mind; my punishment, as I recalled every minute I'd spent with Bella. Cursed myself for every mistake I'd made with her. Missed her loving touches and concerned eyes so much it made me scream out in pain. Laughed, thinking of how her awkwardness made her even more appealing to me. Surely, this was what insanity felt like.

_Don't stay  
Forget our memories  
Forget our possibilities  
What you were changing me into  
Just give me myself back and  
Don't stay…_

_(Linkin Park)_

_

* * *

_

A/N ~ This was a really difficult chapter to write. (And some days the editing on doc manager drives me effin mad! For real... why does it mess with the formatting? GRRRR!) I hope I've captured how much Edward detests the darker side of himself and how essential it is that he works through this. Don't hate me for writing this part! I promise not to drag it out, but there is quite a bit of angst to come in the next chapters. Stick with me, we'll get them through it. ;-) Thanks for the reviews! ~ SR

(Okay, 90 mins is all I'll put into trying to centre a dozen lines. I know the formatting is messed up but I give up. For now... )


	27. Chapter 27 Everything Will Be Alright

_**Everything Will Be Alright**_

_I believe in you and me  
I'm coming to find you  
If it takes me all night  
Wrong until you make it right  
And I won't forget you  
At least I'll try…._

My exile into insanity came to an end as the snow began melting further down the mountain I'd holed up on. Others were hunting my prey now and I could no longer stay in one place. I'd taken the carcasses, evidence of my true self, to the top peak and spread them out under fallen trees. Once discovered, those bodies would create suspicion among the hunters who were after what I deemed as waste. And so, I made my way down and ventured into the first town I came across to buy some new clothes and prepare to move on. I figured I'd head north.

It was strange being amongst humans again. If not for the decades of practice I had with acting human, I would have retreated once more to rehearse. It came back rather quickly, my act, but I drew attention nonetheless simply because I was a newcomer. I poured on the charm and spewed my lies with ease. Yes, it was all coming back. I even treated myself to a hotel room, having a real shower for the first time in months before stepping into my new clothes. I tossed the old ones into a bag and deposited it in a public trash can in the park before I left town.

First, I had to relocate my deserted car. Heading back towards the mountain, my phone rang out, irritating a hunter in wait. I waved an apology and headed in the opposite direction; I could go around and back down to where I'd left it.

"Now that you've got yourself all spiffy, are you planning on coming home anytime soon? It's been long enough Edward."

"Alice…" I sighed with a chuckle. It was good to hear her voice, even if her knowledge of my every move irritated me. "What do you think of the clothes?"

"Meh. Too bland," she stated. "But your own stuff is all here, just waiting for you. Come home Edward. We miss you."

I stopped at a boulder and took a seat, looking around at the amazing view. I hadn't taken in any of the beauty of this trail the whole time I'd been here. It was like waking after a long sleep, feeling refreshed. Only the day ahead of me was really no different than the last, nor the one ahead of this. "I miss you too Alice. All of you. Are Em and Rose home yet?"

"Next week. Esme wants all of us together."

"Pulling the Esme card Alice? You fight dirty," I teased. They all knew I couldn't refuse Esme anything. I hesitated before asking the question that had nagged to be asked for weeks. "How is she?"

Alice knew who I was referring to. "I don't know how to answer that. You could come see for yourself."

"Don't be facetious. I'm asking you earnestly. I need to know… is she okay?"

"If by 'okay' you mean surviving. Yeah, she's alive. She's functioning. Coping much better than I thought she would actually. She cried a lot in the beginning. Humans have so much body fluid, it's kinda gross!"

Not gross, I smiled to myself, heavenly. "And now? Does she still talk to you? Are you friends despite what I did?"

"Sure… it's difficult though. I know she wants to ask about you but she knows I won't tell her where you are so… I dunno. She's been spending a lot of time with that Angela girl lately. They seem to get along really well. But no one can replace you, Edward."

"Is she dating?"

There was a pause. "Are you for real? Dating? Get a clue, would you! She's trying to get over the love of her life! You think she's interested in going for dinner and a movie?"

"Okay okay! Shit… I was just wondering…"

"Come home and see for yourself…"

I hung up, undecided. I did miss my family. I did long to see Bella. But if she was making grounds in forgetting about me, I also didn't want to disrupt that. Still, when I located my car, I found myself driving west rather than north, as I had planned. It wouldn't hurt to be a little closer to home.

My next call from Alice came several days later. "I think you should come home."

"I know what you think Alice – always!" I teased. I didn't want another heavy conversation. I wasn't even used to small talk anymore.

There was silence from her end. Fuck. I wasn't going to get away with light-hearted chatter.

"Look, I haven't decided what I'm doing yet. But you can let Esme know that I'll at least make an appearance. But no promises that I'll stay!" I wanted to make that clear from the start. If I went home, they could distract me for a short time, but I knew I'd want to see Bella. And if I saw her, I'd want to speak with her…

"Edward, I… there's something you should know…about Bella…"

"Is she hurt?" My interest in a serious talk suddenly soared.

"Not yet."

"What did you see?"

"Nothing. That's just it. I can usually see her pretty accurately now, still not as good as I can see you, but better than most. I'm usually right…"

"Usually… that's dangerous with you Alice," I reminded her.

"I know! Don't be an ass right now, okay? Just listen; I haven't been able to see anything for a couple of days. She's different. Not herself."

"She's medicated again," I stated, rather than inquired.

"I don't think so. This is different. She's expressive, just really distracted and withdrawn. Make sense?"

I tried to envision her like that but with the distance between Alice and myself, I couldn't get a clear picture from her thoughts. "Have you talked to her about it? I know she always loved your talks. I think she'd open herself up for you."

"I've tried… she needs you."

I sighed, placing my head against the wall by the bed in my room. "Alice… don't do this to me…"

"I'm sorry Edward, really. I know it's difficult. I just thought you should know. You should be prepared."

"Prepared?" I knew she saw something about me. Oh Alice! What aren't you telling me?

"It really would be best if you were to come home."

I hung up feeling more confusion than I ever had. I knew my reappearance would hinder Bella moving on, but deep inside I knew Alice was onto something and she was right this time… could I forgive myself for _not_ being there?

I groaned in frustration as my phone rang again. "Alice! Give me a break!" I said as soon as I picked up.

"Oh…I… Edward? It's not Alice." Not Alice, definitely. It was another familiar voice. "It's Renee. I'm sorry to bother you…"

"No! It's no bother, I'm sorry about that. My sister's been pestering me, I just assumed…"

"Edward…" Her voice was strained. It was very early in the morning for her to be up. It had to be serious. I could tell she was struggling with how to get out what she wanted to say. "I have no right to be calling you this way, but I'm at my wit's end. I don't know what else to do."

"What's the problem? Has something happened to Bella?"

"She's… she's slipping Edward. I hate it, but putting her back on her medication is the only thing I haven't tried. She's on a very thin rope and you're the only one who's ever been able to reach her when she's like this. I hate asking you…"

"What can I do?" I replied instantly.

"I'm really sorry… but you said you'd always love her. If that's true, you'll know how to get through to her. I thought maybe you could… help her. Help us."

This was what Alice had seen and prepared me for. "Okay. I'm leaving now but I'm a still a good half a day's drive away. Do you think she'd speak to me over the phone?" I packed my things in my bag as I talked and hastily tossed it in the car before going to check out.

"I think in person would be best," Renee responded quietly. "I have to go. Please take care on the road. We need you here safely."

"I will. I'll be there."

I took every short-cut possible and drove well over the speed limit on the empty stretches of highway. It was dark when I arrived at Phil's house and the car was not in the driveway, but all the lights were on and Renee opened the door for me when she saw me pull up. She wrung her hands nervously as I walked towards her. "Thank you for coming. But I waited too long to call. We're too late."

I tried to make sense of her thoughts but it was impossible. "Too late? What's happened?" Oh god, please don't let Bella be hurt in any way.

"She's gone. Ran. A few hours ago. Edward!" She threw her arms around me as she began to weep. "She could be anywhere and it's my fault!"

"Okay, slow down… why did she run away? So she wouldn't have to take the pills? What's upset her now? I'm completely in the dark so please, anything you can tell me would help." I grabbed a lot of thoughts from her that I hadn't heard before. This woman was desperate to make her daughter happy.

She took a big breath to calm herself, but she was still trembling when she released her grip on me. I held her arm gently and guided her to the porch swing. "She's been in a mood the past few days."

"A mood?"

"She's started talking about Riley. It makes her upset, but she won't let it go. She wanted us to go down to the city for the weekend; nagged about it since yesterday and then tonight when I put my foot down, we had a terrible argument and she took off. Phil's been out looking but he doesn't know where she would go. Maybe you have some idea?"

Possibly. Or not. I did know, however, that if I were anywhere near her or any place she'd been to, I'd pick up her scent. There was nothing in the world that smelled like Bella. For once, my secret life had a purpose. For once, it could be put to a good use. I would find her.

Renee walked me to my car, thanking me again for coming to her aid. "I feel horrible about sending you away as I did. If I hadn't, maybe you would have worked things out between yourselves. I know that nobody's ever meant so much to Isabella. And you obviously care for her or you wouldn't be here talking to me."

"I care very much," I said softly, but wishing she'd just let me go.

"I had no idea you'd actually leave… Edward… You should know that this was part of the argument earlier on today. She's felt deserted these past months and now she knows it was my doing. She hates me right now. But I was only doing what I thought was best for her!" The tears were forming again. I had to get the hell out.

"I did the same thing, Renee. We both love her, and we both need to learn how to let her make her own choices." I patted her back gently, avoiding a full-contact hug again. Eventually she'd be aware of how different I felt. "I'll find her. I promise."

She nodded. "Just help her with what she needs right now. Keep her safe."

And so my search began. I called Alice to see if she had any visions that would help. Nothing. But she set out to sniff out the cottage to see if she'd been there recently. That was one possibility I'd considered. Another seemed more likely now that I knew this involved Riley. I headed for the bus station. There was no point asking if she'd been there, I caught her scent instantly, but it was faded. She had been and gone. I did check the bus schedules and heaved a sigh of relief when I knew there hadn't been any departures in the past 3 hours. The overnight bus would be leaving at midnight. So I could wait there or go search some more.

I opted to be pro-active, driving up and down the streets I thought she may be on. My senses were on high alert for any sight or scent of her. And I pleaded silently for her to think of me so that just maybe I could even pick up on her thoughts. I thought of all the calls she'd made to me in the beginning, all unanswered and wished she'd try again now. Taking a chance, I rang her number as I drove along. It didn't even give me her voicemail; just rang on and on. Dammit!

I was startled when I hung up and mine rang. Alice.

"Does she like football?"

"Football? No. Why?"

"I just saw something… looked like a game of some sort, on a field. Lots of the kids from school are there."

"You're losing it Alice. It's not even football season… but rugby has started! Okay, thanks Alice! You're the best, if I've never told you before now." I hung up and swung the car around to head to the school. Why on earth Bella would be at a rugby game when she set out to run away was beyond me but I had to try.

It was just ending when I arrived, the crowd spilling out from the stands. My head felt ready to erupt with the onslaught of a crowd of thoughts for the first time in months. Jesus! There would be no way for me to pick Bella's thoughts out of this even if she wasn't clouded up. The putrid stench of 50 different perfumes and Axe body spray mingled with whatever the various groups in huddles were smoking would mask her scent as well. I rang her phone again, thinking even if she didn't pick up, I'd hear it ringing out. Pick up baby, just pick up…

"Hello?"

Holy fuck.

"Who's there?" It wasn't Bella's voice asking. It was a guy.

"Put Bella on," I demanded.

There was laughter on the other end. "Yeah? And if I don't?"

"Ever had a bone broken?"

"Sure dude. But it took a fucking CAR to do it!" More laughing.

"Well, it'll take one simple twist for me. And I guarantee a car couldn't take that broken bone and shove it up your ass like I will. Put her ON!"

Disconnected. Fuck!

I stood very still and watched each group. I'd freaked the guy out. He would be trying to laugh it off with his buddies. It sounded like a group of mostly guys. Bella…baby don't do this to yourself…

I was afraid I'd lose her as the crowds merged together or left. There was no sign of her. And then, finally, I heard something… a familiar voice; _'Just give it back!'_

"Bella?" I called out. She was here. She was nearby. I rang her phone again. She had to know it was me and if she was in trouble, she'd answer. If one of the guys answered, I'd spot them. Either way, I'd have her. It rang at least a dozen times before I finally got my wish.

"Edward?" Her soft voice filled the airwaves and my heart. I'd forgotten how good it felt to simply hear her say my name.

"Bella," I replied, my own voice sounding foreign with the emotion in it. "You need to get away from them." I kept my tone soft so she wouldn't rebel, as I knew she was fond of doing when given an order.

"Why are you calling now? After all this time? I called you SO many times…"

"I know. I'm sorry. I'll make it up to you Bella, just walk away now. Come to me." I held back on the begging I wanted to do, and instead pleaded softly as my eyes scoured the now empty yard. "Please Bella, let's go somewhere. Just you and me and we can talk."

There was stunned silence as she processed what I was saying. "What? Where are you?"

The stands… a group of kids smoking, passing a Coke bottle that I presumed contained more than Coke… "Turn around."

Our eyes met and her face flashed through every emotion; shock, elation, anger, despair, confusion.

"How did you find me?"

"I could find you anywhere Bella. You're part of me."

"Hey, is this asshole bothering you?" One particularly stupid pothead decided to be macho.

"You don't want to piss me off," I warned in a low voice. Bella watched me closely as I stood statue still. I wouldn't go after him, but if he came for me or laid a finger on Bella…

"You don't want to piss him off. Trust." Bella put on a serious face and moved away from the group slightly. She was playing Jasper's role in dispersing a Cullen Family fight.

"Aw, come on Bellissima, I thought you wanted to have some fun with us tonight?" The guy I'd spoken with on the phone spoke to her.

"Don't touch her," I hissed, fists clenched. He had no right to have a nickname for her! She's MY Bella!

"Yeah, well I changed my mind." She took another few steps away from them, and me as well. I frightened her now. Why _NOW_?

"Bella, let me take you home," I pleaded with her. "Or not. We can go anywhere you want."

"Listen asshole, she's with us okay? She ain't going ANYWHERE with you!" The idiot made his move… towards Bella and I reacted. He was on the ground with my foot ready to crush his throat when Bella took hold of my arm.

"Edward…" Her eyes pleaded with me to stop. And so I did. Just like that, the rage died and the remorse for my behaviour kicked in. "You don't have to do this. Come on. Let's go."

I was mesmerized by her soothing voice, barely noticing the potheads scurrying off. Bella and I stood alone under the stadium stands, simply staring at each other. Her thoughts were sedated, not by the drugs normally issued by Renee but by something she'd obtained from the cowards who'd just left her with me.

"So what are you doing here?" She tried to seem disinterested, but her body wasn't saying that. Her scent filled my senses and it was getting stronger by the minute.

"I'm here to rescue you," I smirked, trying to keep this awkward moment light. I didn't want her frightened of me now. I needed her to trust me again.

"You could have saved yourself the trouble. I can take care of myself," she informed me defiantly. "Not that you'd know, but I've been doing just that for months."

A little of my anger resurfaced as jealousy kicked in. "Have you been hooking up with random guys for the same shit you're on now, as well? Or for other stuff?"

"None of your fucking business!"

Okay, sedation was wearing off. I knew her own anger was bound to surface and I prepared myself to take it without lashing out any rebuttal.

"You have absolutely NO right to ask me any questions Edward Cullen! What I've done… what I've been doing since you ran… " She threw me an angry glare and began pacing back and forth, just like she did the other time she'd let me have it. "YOU left me no choice. I'm living my life as I choose now so you can fuck right off!"

Her words stung, but I deserved every one of them. "Would you like me to go away?"

"YES!" she screamed as sobs finally came. This was my Bella. And she wanted me to leave her alone.

I wanted to hold her and console her and tell her everything would be alright now that we were here together, but she didn't want that. I nodded in understanding, my throat too constricted to speak.

She was angry with herself for crying, her thoughts told me and she wiped them away brusquely. "After you take me to the bus station."

I held back the grin that was forming on my face. Her mind wasn't cemented on me leaving just yet. There may be hope still.

_You don't need to compromise  
I'm dreaming 'bout those dreamy eyes  
I never knew, I never knew  
But it's alright  
__Everything will be alright…_

_(The Killers)_


	28. Chapter 28 In Pieces

_**In Pieces**_

_You promised me the sky  
Then tossed me like a stone  
You wrap me in your arms  
And chill me to the bone…._

Bella attempted to stomp off ahead of me to my car, instead she wobbled as she stepped over the parking block and crashed into me. My arms wrapped instinctively around her. Her hands grabbed at my shirt at first, then she pushed me away. Even still under the influence of whatever she'd been doing, she was stubborn. But I was in a quandary; I had promised Renee I'd keep her safe. Alone, in this state, she wasn't safe. Above all, I wanted to respect Bella's wishes and if she truly wanted me gone, then I had no choice.

"Where is it you're going?" I asked as we approached the car.

"Told you already. The bus station."

"I meant, where are you going from there?"

She merely glared at me.

"I know. No questions."

She smirked. "See how you like it."

I didn't… at all. "I was only wondering because well, it's late. And if it's a long drive, you'll be hungry along the way. I could stop somewhere – get you something to eat."

"For a guy who doesn't eat, you're obsessed with feeding me." She plunked herself into her old seat when I opened the car door for her. And as I took my place behind the wheel, she spoke again. "Okay, maybe a burger."

I couldn't suppress the grin this time. She did love her burgers. And it gave me more time with her. I went through the drive-thru, as instructed, but parked so she could eat comfortably. I sat in complete stillness, as only vampires can, waiting for her to make the first move towards conversation. I got several glares and a few sideways glances that would end with her cheeks flushing.

"You know, you look like shit." Her opening statement left a lot to be desired, but I knew it was true. I hadn't fed for 2 nearly weeks. It was foolish to come in this state, but I hadn't wanted to waste any time in my rush to get to her.

"I've just driven 12 hours…"

Her head snapped around. "Seriously? Where were you?"

I shrugged. "Somewhere in Northern Quebec. I wasn't really paying attention." No lies right now. I wanted her trust so badly I'd tell her anything.

She looked at me closely. "Is that a lie? You haven't been here the whole time, just avoiding me?"

"No lie, Bella," I replied softly. "I was in Nova Scotia for a long time; the Cabot Trail is really beautiful. If you haven't been, you should go sometime. The mountains aren't massive like the ones on the west coast, but there's something very grounding about them. I started back a few days ago. I just felt I should be near."

Her mind raced with visions of me mountain-climbing, skiing, driving through winding tree-lined roads. Of course, it was all imaginary; I'd done nothing of the sort. "Were you alone?" She had finished eating and was picking at her nails. I wanted to stop her, but refrained.

"Just me. That's what I wanted."

She snorted and looked away, out the side window. "So why are you here?"

"For you, Bella. I came for you."

"I have to pee." She made her announcement and left me alone in the car abruptly.

I trailed behind and waited for her outside, taking the opportunity to let Renee know she was with me. She was relieved and grateful and pleaded with me to stay with her, no matter what. I told her I'd keep her updated and pocketed my phone before she came out. She was steady on her feet now, with the food in her absorbing the toxins. And her feistiness was coming on; she didn't hesitate to lash out at me once more, the moment she stepped outside and saw me.

"Why Edward? Why now? You could have come for me any time over the past few months. ANY time! Why tonight?"

"Renee called me," I replied quietly, moving us away from the entrance. People were staring. "She's scared and worried about you."

Bella twisted her arm out of my grip and stared at me with sad, angry eyes. "You're only seeing the tail end. Of course she's scared and worried…now. Only because she lacks control. I'm doing what I want to do and she cannot stop me. She figures she's got the upper hand now that she's called on you… total control. She can send you away at will and call you back just as easily. And you let her play you! If she were honest about it, she would have told you she's relieved I'm gone. I'm just a painful reminder of what she's lost."

"That's not true…" I'd seen the pain Bella spoke of in Renee's thoughts and right now, the most painful thought was that she was losing her second child. "She loves you Bella – so much. I've seen it."

Smirking at me, Bella moved to slip past me. "I'll find my own way from here. You fail as a pawn in her games."

Argh! I struggled to keep my frustration level down. She was really pushing it, but now was not the time to force her to see what she couldn't. Renee was on her side; as was I. "Look, Bella, I know you're upset with me…"

"Upset? Really? I was upset 3 months ago…when you told me you loved me, but took off anyway. When you fucked me and then ran like hell. When you made me trust in you and then… you didn't even say goodbye Edward! You left me with nothing! So don't worry, I'm past being upset. It's a colossal waste of time. In the shit stream that flows through my life, you're just another passing turd. Just go away."

Her words stung. In the end, all she'd seen was me abandoning her; not that I loved her too much to hurt her more than I already had. In the end, I had hurt her more than I knew and in the end, she didn't want or need me in her life. I had always promised myself that when the day came that she didn't want me, I'd walk away and let her be safe. Now that the day had come, it ripped at my heart, leaving me torn. She wasn't safe right now. How could I leave her on her own?

"Bella… I wish I could explain…"

"Save it. You don't want me. I get it." She kicked her toe at the curb as tears pooled in her eyes.

"You're wrong about that. The rest, you got right… I was horrible to you. You deserve better; that's the only reason I left."

Her tear-filled eyes moved to mine and held my gaze. "I deserved to be in on the decision. I deserve to make my own choices. Edward… you _knew_ how I felt about that! God, I'm such an idiot! All those months I allowed you to manipulate me; accepting your strange behaviour, ignoring your lies… all because I thought you were different! I thought you understood; I thought you saw who I really was and I thought that you liked me. You said you loved me." Her voice faltered as a sob finally came and then she headed for complete breakdown, sobbing as she continued the onslaught. "You said you _LOVED_ me Edward! You made me believe we could have something so great…and it was, but you hold all the cards and I have nothing. That's not a relationship! I would have done anything for you, all you had to do was ask but you shut me out again and again – I'm tired of the lies and deception and the total lack of respect you have for my choices. And you sided with my MOM! God! She doesn't have a fucking clue what I'm about and you BOTH made my choice, together. Well fuck you…" She sobbed heavily as she pounded my chest with her fists. "You don't get to do this to me Edward…you don't get to walk back in and make my life okay for what? A few days? Weeks? Maybe another few months before you destroy it again? Fuck you! Fuck you…"

She collapsed against me, still trying to strike out at me but lacking the energy. I finally wrapped my arms around her and held her close as she cried it out. She fought my embrace, yet clung to me all the same. As it began to subside, she stopped fighting me and just allowed herself to be held as I whispered calming words and swayed her gently. I would do this for her all night, if she'd let me. A lifetime if I had my wish.

"Bella, I understand that you want me gone… _I_ get it. But I can't leave you like this. Please, let me take you home and then I'll go."

"I'm not going home. I'm going to Toronto and when I'm done what I need to do, then I'll go home. End of story." Her voice was muffled against me. Her hands gripped the back of my shirt as if she wanted to both pull me off of her and yet have me nearer.

"I'll take you," I said softly.

Looking up at me, she squinted with doubt. "To Toronto? Or are you just saying that so you can get me back in your car and then take me home?"

I shook my head. "No. No more deceptions Bella. I will take you anywhere you want to go, just so I know you're safe. Do what you need to; you know what you're doing. And I'll be there for you…for as long as you want me to be."

The doubt remained in her eyes. "Why? Why would you do that?"

"Because I love you; then and now. And I'm done trying to avoid it. You're right… I haven't treated you fairly – given you your own options. So you decide from now on how much involvement we'll have. I'll take you to the city, and back, and then whenever you want me to leave you alone, I will. If you want to be friends, I'll stay for you. And if you want more, I promise to love you and respect you and let you call the shots. It's your choice."

"You'll take me to Toronto? And stay there with me?"

I nodded. "If that's what you want. I mean it Bella, it's all up to you now. I thought I knew what was right when I left. All it did was make you think I'm a dick who used you and left you. And I am, because essentially, that's what I did. I can't even begin to apologize for that, but I can be here for you now; for whatever you need." I stared in her soul, pleading for it to believe in me once again, though I had no right to ask. "My whole life – my entire selfish life – I've wished I could have one day back to do over and make everything thereafter different. I still do, but my day has changed. I would, without a doubt, take back the day that I hurt you. It was what I was trying to avoid from the start."

She listened intently, beginning to believe. "You hurt me more the day you took off without a word."

"Okay then, two days."

"Three. Don't forget about your original. It shouldn't change because of me."

"It has to, or there'd be no other days for us, good or bad. We'd never have met." That part, I was still muddled on. If we hadn't met, I wouldn't have hurt her, she'd never have a clue about me and my world. On the other hand, I wouldn't have a clue about real love and devotion and all the wonders of my Bella. "Will you let me try to make amends?"

"No more lies," she demanded.

"No more lies," I agreed. Standing there with her, seeing her again, all of the things that drew me to her in the first place were amplified. Though I'd tried to remember every detail about her, from her scent to her expressions and all her little quirks, my mind did not capture the reality of Bella. She was so much better than I'd recalled, even angry. I offered her a tiny grin. "Will you come with me now? It's a long drive. You can finish beating on me and giving me shit when we get there."

"Yeah?" She finally managed a smirk of her own, with less anger in it. "You've got a deal Iceman."

A full-out smile erupted at the use of her nickname for me. In all my years, I'd never missed anything so much as this relationship I had with my fragile, angry little human.

Not long into the drive, I knew I'd have to feed somehow. Bella's scent filled the car and every nerve ending in my body. It was all encompassing. I couldn't be stuck in a city having gone so long without feeding and not know when I'd be able to again. In the city with Bella. And Bella's scent…

"I have to make a stop," I announced, pulling off on the next country road. The entire area was forest, it wouldn't be an issue. "Please stay in the car. I won't be gone long." Thankful she just shrugged instead of questioning me, I took off in the dark to find my prey.

After the quickest of meals, I phoned Alice. "I need a weather forecast."

"Oh, hello to you too! I'm just great, thanks for asking. Have you forgotten your manners living in a cave for so long?"

"Sorry. How are you Alice? Jazz is well? Give my best to everyone. Oh and I found Bella. She's with me now. Well, she's in the car…"

"I know dumbass."

"Smartass. So you know what our plan is?"

"You'll have to hurry somewhat. The fog will lift in the morning and you'll be stuck inside all day, but that's okay – you know, with the company you have?" She giggled, seeing what I couldn't.

"Alice…" I groaned. "The weather!"

"Okay! Like I said, tomorrow – inside. And possibly into the next morning but then you should be good to go anywhere in the region for the rest of the day. Make the most of it, looks like there's more sun on the way."

Business taken care of as neatly as possible, I returned to find her snoring softly in my car. I paused to watch her for several minutes before pulling back onto the highway. She had stress lines on her forehead – I had put them there simply by missing what was truly most important to her… her right to choose her own destiny. I would not take that from her ever again.

She gave me directions into the area of the city she wanted to stay in and I scouted the area for a suitable hotel. We'd stopped at a service station outside the city when she awoke and I washed up properly from my hunt while she ate again. There, she told me her original plan was to take the bus down and call her brother's old friend Jacob when she arrived to see if she could stay with him. I gave her the option of still doing that, or staying with me.

She chose me.

"I'm going to have to ask you to stay in the car again, while I check in. You're underage… they'll refuse us," I stated apologetically.

"You're underage too!" she countered, cluing in when I gave her a sideways glance. "Or not. Are you 17?"

There was no easy way to answer that, especially with my vow that the lies would stop. "Yes and no." I pulled out my alternate ID; the one Edward Cullen used when he was a university student rather than a high school kid. "I'll get us a room and be right back… or do you want your own room?"

Her cheeks flushed and she shook her head. Her thoughts told me she didn't want to be alone. And, she didn't want to not be with me. My heart swelled; she didn't hate me so much that there was no hope for anything beyond this trip.

"Let's go," I grinned, opening her door before retrieving my bag and her backpack. We took the back entrance in.

"The sign says check-in is 3 pm, how did you get a room at this time?"

Grinning, I opened the door to our suite. "A little extra cash during slow tourist season can get you a lot in a hotel." So can vampire persuasion, but the cash sealed the deal. I stood by and watched her with amusement as she checked out all the amenities. I'd wanted her to feel comfortable, not trapped with me in a regular room so I booked us in the largest available suite. It had a bedroom with an ensuite bath, including a sunken tub that she was already thinking about soaking in. The main room would be large enough for us not to get in each other's way and private for me once her door to the bedroom was closed. It had a good sized kitchen as well.

"We'll do some shopping later on today," I suggested. "Maybe just take it easy and hang out here for now?"

"I want to show you so much though!" Bella gushed. I'd told her on the drive that I'd never been and she'd promised a full tour. I only hoped the weather would agree with me after this first day.

"We'll do that too, but we could both use a day in, I think."

"Oh shit. I'm being completely selfish. You've been driving forever! I forgot you had a long one before you got to me too. Sorry. We'll stay in."

"Why don't you go have a nice long bath and I'll order you some food. Lunch or breakfast?" She placed her requests and headed off to enjoy the luxury of her room.

"So I hear Jasper's been tutoring you in Science," I commented as she delved into her lunch. Her scent mixed with the lush soaps she'd used was very distracting for me. I had to find a way to think of something other than her scent.

"Mmm, yeah, he's been great! He's actually much more patient with me than you ever were," she teased. "He's a really sweet guy now that I know him better. When I first started going to your house, he seemed so intimidating. Now… he's just great."

"I told you he was different with family." I paused, realizing that what I'd said was absolutely true and my family had already come to care for her and think of her as one of us.

"Alice spent a lot of time with me too. Did you ask them to do that?"

"What? To be your friend? Bella, you already were. Besides, Alice told me straight off that just because I was being stupid, it didn't mean she was giving you up too. And Jasper…that was his own doing as well. He thinks you're really cool because you don't freak out being with us." All true. It was easier than I thought.

"I have a confession." Bella put down her fork and hung her head.

"You don't have anything to confess to me, but I'll listen to whatever you want to tell me."

"I stayed in your room while you were away. 3 times."

"Okay."

"Okay? You don't mind? I kinda rummaged too… I listened to all of your compositions, even the unfinished ones that you didn't want me to hear. I wore your shirts that were left."

"Did you find my secret room where I sacrifice virgins and small children…and stash my porn?" I grinned at her.

She smiled back. "Nope. Didn't get that far."

"Seriously though, there is a hidden room; a tiny one, behind the bookcase. It's very cool. When I was a kid, I used to dream of having a secret passageway through the house to sneak down in the night for snacks and to listen to what the adults were saying when they gathered. My room is hardly a passageway through the house, but it does lead out to the balcony so it's still ranks as cool."

"Can I see it?"

I smiled shyly and nodded. It was looking like there would be something left after our trip. If only Alice were here to tell me if she'd still want to be involved in any way after she knew the whole truth. She could only see my room after all of my lies were exposed. It was filled with a century of my journals and the few pieces I had of my human life. I'd added some things to that small box from my time with Bella, as that was the closest I'd been to my human life since the day I'd been changed. That was my original day that I had wished to do over until recently. Now, here with Bella as we rediscovered how easy it was to be open with each other, I was never more grateful to Carlisle for changing me. Now, I couldn't imagine a life never having known Bella. I didn't want a life without Bella.

And so, I prepared myself to let her in. I had no idea how long we'd have here together, nor exactly how I would have it come out since I couldn't outright tell her without riling the Volturi. It would be tricky. But it was essential if we were to have anything between us at all. It would then be her choice entirely.

_There's truth in your lies  
Doubt in your faith  
All I've got's what you didn't take  
So I, I won't be the one  
Be the one to leave this  
In pieces…_

_(Linkin Park)_


	29. Chapter 29 This Time

_**This Time**_

_Lookin' back on my life  
You know that all I see  
Are things I could've changed  
I could have done  
No time for sad lament  
A wasted life is bitter spent…._

"Tell me more about your secret room," Bella prodded as I cleared away the remains of her lunch.

"Um, it's better to see it. It's really not much of a room. More like a little hole with a window to the balcony. There's an old staircase that leads into the garden as well. Maybe it was a service staircase at one point. Or a fire escape."

"So you put a bookcase in front of it? Brilliant move there, I have to say," she giggled.

"Hey, if there's a fire, I'm moving the bookcase. Not a problem, trust me." I laughed with her.

'Shit! His parents died in a house fire!' "I'm sorry Edward. That was a really insensitive thing to say...your parents?"

"It's fine...really. I didn't even make the connection."

"It never bothers you? Losing them, I mean."

"I just don't think about it. Better to focus on how fortunate I am to have Carlisle and Esme in their place. Not that my real parents are not important to me," I added quietly. "I do remember some things about them."

Bella stood and reached for my hand, pulling me over to the couch. "Tell me about them. What were they like?"

I smiled as their faces formed in my mind. "My mother had the most beautiful dark red hair. Very classy lady; think Audrey Hepburn in her prime. She had a lovely singing voice as well."

"That's where you get it...the hair too." Bella smiled with me, running her hands through my hair. Her easy contact with me made me feel like the months apart never happened. Like this was just another extended get-to-know-each-other date. "What about your dad?"

"The thing that stood out most with my father is his size. He always seemed larger than life...not just his height; it was the way he carried himself. Very confident and his presence in a room just commanded a quiet attention. It wasn't a conscious thing. People were just drawn to him."

She nodded, her fingers still in my hair. "That's where you and Em get your height. Was he built like Emmett or you?"

"Not like Emmett. But he seemed so much bigger than me...but not in an intimidating way. He was so kind and gentle for his size. They were quite beautiful together. Perfect couple. My mom with her striking hair and porcelain skin and my dad with his dark hair and emerald eyes. You couldn't help but stare when they entered a room together."

"Were they happy?" she asked softly.

"Mmm...so in love. Right 'til the end."

"And they're still together," Bella whispered as she placed a soft kiss on my cheek and laid her head on my shoulder.

"Hey, maybe they've adopted your brother."

"I'd like that. That would be very cool."

"He sounds like he's a very cool guy. My parents would be better off with him as well. They'd be disappointed with me."

"Edward, why do you say that?" Her head lifted to look me in the eyes.

I smirked at her sadly. "How can you of all people ask me that? Do you think they'd be proud of how I behaved with you? And that's not even..." That's not the worst it's been Bella. Would you understand? Really understand?

"You know, I'm kinda on my way to forgiving you. You're not helping your case Iceman." She was teasing me as she saw my mood heading south. My Bella, just the same as she'd always been.

"Your turn," I flipped it around so I wouldn't wallow. "Tell me why it is we ended up here."

"Well...this is where I grew up. All my memories are here, good and bad. I understand why my mom moved us into nowhere land, but I do miss it here. I asked my mom if we could come back, just for a visit...she freaked. That set me off. I mean, Riley's birthday passed without mention...again. So I'm thinking about him a lot. And you're gone so I can't talk to you...and so I tried... It was stupid. I should've known Renee wouldn't go for it."

"Bella, I'm sorry, but I'm lost here. I can't keep up with you."

"Sorry." She grinned and took a deep breath, tucking her legs under her as she turned to face me. "I wanted to come this weekend to visit all the places that were special to me and Riley. 'Cause he's here and we're not. He's all alone. I wanted to visit his grave on his birthday - I didn't. He was alone. This weekend is the second anniversary of his death. I don't want him to be alone. He wouldn't let me be alone."

I reached for her as the tears started and she fell into my arms. "Did you explain that to Renee? 'Cause baby, that sounds really rational."

"I did!" she sobbed against me. "She flipped out! Like, why did I want to relive the pain? Why do I thrive on pain? She doesn't get it! This isn't about pain! It's about trying to let go of the hurt inside...trying to accept why it was him and not me..."

"Bella!" That remark threw me. I hadn't seen a hint of that side of her pain. "Honey, it was an accident! He was at work...there's nothing you could have done..."

She shook her head frantically. "He was there because of me. Because he wanted to take me on the trip we'd always talked about. He took the job because it paid a lot and he'd be done on the work site before the end of summer." She struggled getting through that and stopped to take a deep breath. "He called me a few days before to tell me he'd booked it. Us, together in New York..."

"Oh Bella..." Now I saw her pain. I held her close, gently stroking her hair, kissing the top of her head. "Why didn't you tell me this before?"

"My own mother hates me for it. Why would you get it?"

Again, with her mother hating her. I knew otherwise but how could she see it so differently? I didn't want to seem to be siding with Renee so I didn't ask.

Instead, Bella volunteered the missing piece. "I heard her, the day of his funeral." Her voice was monotone, empty of emotion. Could this be what was still hidden behind the cloud I could never break through? "She and my dad were talking, crying over Riley at the chapel before the visitors arrived. Talking about how he was the child that was supposed to be something. He was the child that never caused any strife. He was the child that should have buried them in their senior years...why him?" Her gaze drifted from the spot she was staring blankly at and walked over to the window across the room. "I expected Charlie to wish it were me instead of Riley, but not Renee. Never my mother."

There was a lump that felt like a baseball in my throat and I couldn't even speak in response to her. Instead, I joined her at the window, hugging her from behind. There had to be a way to make her know that wasn't true. Renee never wished it was her...she wished it was someone else's child. That was her shame. That was why she was still medicating instead of dealing. She lost her child and wished the pain on someone else. Never Bella.

"That's the building he was working on." She pointed down the street to a tall building where he'd fallen to his death down the elevator shaft. "23rd floor. I hate that number. I can't go in an elevator. I can't be in a building that even goes that high."

She talked on and on, every little thing about Riley and his death that was hidden behind the cloud poured out and I listened and held her.

I ran her another warm bath before running out to get her some food for the room. There was a small store adjoined to the parking garage so I didn't have to go outside. It was still dusk and with the setting sun reflecting off the buildings, I didn't want to risk being exposed. Bella needed me.

And I finally admitted to myself that I needed her, just as much.

She was very relaxed, lounging on the couch in one of my t-shirts when I returned.

"I hope you don't mind. I realized that I only packed one and I can't sleep in it and wear it all weekend. You've got a few..."

I gave her a warm smile. "Bella, you can have them all if you'd like. But we will go and buy you some of your own things tomorrow. For now, I've got wraps, a salad, Coke..." I dangled the 6-pack teasingly. "And chocolate. Sorry, no burgers there."

She wore a strange expression; like she'd had when she thought I was dying. "You must be exhausted Edward," she said softly. "You do so much for me, you always did and I was a real bitch with you last night. How can you do this?"

Smirking, I set the bags down on the table. "You're all that I life for. How can I not?"

"Let me take care of you now. Would you like a bath?" She scrunched up her face, at a loss for ideas of how to take care of me. She looked adorable.

"I think I would, as a matter of fact. If you'll come in the room after I'm in? Talk to me some more? I've missed hearing your every thought."

"That's a shot at me. I talk too much, I know."

"No. No, you say everything I want to hear. Don't ever stop that, Bella - talking to me about everything. It's what made me fall for you in the first place. I love that about you."

She blushed as she led me to her bathroom. I asked her to set the temperature as she'd like, so I'd know what she was comfortable in. And after I'd immersed myself in the bubbly water, she came and sat on the side of the tub, sipping on a Coke.

"I love how you're not afraid to embrace your feminine side," she teased as I laid back among the suds. "You look much better today. Last night you were pretty rough... You actually look really really good today. You let your hair grow out. Is that your real colour now?"

I grinned and nodded. No dyes in the cave. I'd tossed the facial adornments as well. I was just plain Edward Cullen now. No more rebel punk. No more angry emo kid.

"It's beautiful. Esme was right."

"She usually is," I smiled in agreement. "I owe her a phone call. She's quite upset with me right now."

"She missed you." 'Almost as much as I did.' "She wasn't herself when you were gone. It's hard to imagine Esme without that gleam in her eye, but I saw it. She was worried."

I took in everything she said and didn't say. She still didn't trust me completely with her thoughts. But even while I wasn't around, she continued bonding with my family. She had caught on to Esme's depression with me gone. It had happened once before and I'd promised her never again. But I had broken that promise. "Bella, why did you stay in my room when I was gone? Did you think I wasn't really gone? That my whole family was lying to you?" I needed a subject change or I'd continue hating myself for letting Esme down. This seemed as good as any.

"Until I noticed the change in Esme, yeah. I did. But then after I invaded your space, I knew it was true. Things weren't right in there."

I looked on in interest. What had she seen?

"You're obsessively neat, but your room wasn't picked up. The shirt you wore that last day I saw you was on the floor. I took it by the way. I'll give it back. And you had a book on the couch. You would have finished it, but it wasn't touched. Your homework sat on your desk. You always do your homework. And it didn't change from visit to visit. You wouldn't have been so precise in your disarray if it was a farce."

She was wrong; I would have been exactly that precise. "Why did you take my shirt?"

"I sleep in it. It smelled like you...but not so much anymore," she giggled and her cheeks reddened. "That's the other shirt I packed."

Oh god, I had been so wrong in my thinking that she was over our relationship; that she got through the break-up and could move ahead without me. So wrong. She needed to know what she was getting into this time.

"I also read your journals - the ones in your bookcase. I'm sorry."

Okay, so maybe she was at the point where she'd tell me everything again. She was concerned about Tanya. "Did you read anything interesting? Or did they put you to sleep?" I smiled to let her know I wasn't upset about it. I had encouraged her to read the one at our cottage, why not the older ones?

"You were sad," she replied.

"Lonely."

"Depressed!" We spoke together and then shared a laugh.

"Who's Tanya? You wrote about her a lot."

"I showed you her picture. She's in Alaska."

"Esme's family...your cousin?"

"Sort of. But not really. We spent a lot of time together a long time ago...she used to have a crush on me. She's difficult to avoid when her mind is set on something."

"Should I be worried?" She offered a smirk that didn't disguise her jealousy. "An older woman?"

"You shouldn't spend a second worrying over that. I wasn't interested then or now."

Chewing on her lip, she avoided my eyes. "If it was a long time ago, you were just a kid. Edward, I don't want to pry, but is that part of your issue with sex?"

Shit, no. Now she was thinking I was molested. "Bella… no. There was nothing inappropriate between me and Tanya. My issues with sex, are simply what you already experienced…my lack of control." And yet, that wasn't entirely true because I did have control with female vampires. It was only humans who drove me into the animal lust I'd had that day with Bella. "I lack the ability to control my impulses when I'm with certain people, I guess." That was more truthful. "Tanya is not one of them."

"And Rosalie? You wrote about her a lot as well."

Had I? I sat upright in the tub and turned to face her. "What you don't realize is that I write when I'm bored. I get bored frequently. Many of my journals are written in the span of a few days; that's why it would appear that I'm babbling on about one person or the other, as if they're a huge factor in my life, when really it's only that they're around on those days. Understand?"

"Like how your recent ones are all about me…"

"No. Not like that at all. Those are written to capture my feelings so that I will never ever forget what you mean to me. Those weren't written out of boredom. They were written out of love. Bella," I paused as I took her hand in mine. "I know that I've lied to you, but if you believe one thing from me, let it be that I love you like no one else, ever… and _for_ever."

She blushed as she gazed back at me, wanting to believe – truly trying to believe.

"It's good that you read them. That you noticed something like that… how I'd go on about an individual. It's good that you took notice of my unchanging room and the oddities in it. I need you to continue with that Bella. Can you do that? Keep watching for things that strike you as notable, and take note of them. There's a reason for everything Bella, and I know that you can figure it out." I'd found my solution. I would not have to reveal myself so much as I would have to let her discover the truth about my secret life. If I didn't _tell_ her, I won't commit treason against my kind. Perhaps at least my family would be spared if we were discovered.

But at the moment, she looked baffled at my request, so I gave her my crooked smile and laid back in the tub before letting myself sink lower and lower until I was completely immersed in the bath water. I resurfaced when I felt her hand grab my arm.

"Jesus Christ! You scared the shit out of me! How can you hold your breath that long?"

I gave her a proud smile. She would catch on. I had faith in my Bella, my love.

"You should take a nap," I suggested after my soak. I had dressed in fresh clothes that had not been hunted in and tossed the ones that had. I would buy new ones before I sent them to a laundry service.

"Me? You're the one who hasn't slept! At least I did for most of the drive here."

"Uh, I think that was more 'passed out' than 'napping'," I teased. "You look a little worn out. Just have a rest, it will help."

"You too? Or do you need to be away from me for a while?" She searched my eyes for an answer.

"I won't leave your side," I smiled gently. "Come on, lay down." Drawing back the luxurious bedding, I motioned for her to climb in and then I pulled the chair over to sit beside her. My hand stroked her hair softly as she stared into my eyes.

"Thank you, Iceman. For coming back and for being here…for doing this…"

"Shhh… sleep my love. Just sleep. I'll be right here when you wake up," I vowed.

"I _can't_ sleep! I'm so afraid that I'll wake up and discover this was all a dream. I can't take that. I can't take you leaving my life again."

"Me neither baby," I murmured against her hair. "Me neither. So, what would you like; a lullaby or a bedtime story?"

"Seriously?" she giggled as she stared at me adoringly. "Um… lullaby. I've missed your voice so much."

So I sang softly as I stroked her hair some more and I could feel her body relaxing. When my humming subsided, she turned her face to me.

"Story?"

Laughing gently, I shook my head. "You opted for the lullaby this time. That's what you get. You can choose again later." I would sing to Bella every night, if she'd let me. I would tell her every tale there was to be told, every day, if she'd let me.

_Gonna find my way in life  
In or out of sight  
I'm still seeing things in black and white  
Gonna rise straight into the light  
In or out of sight  
I'm gonna see the light  
'Cause I know there is time_

_This time, this time..._

_(The Verve)_


	30. Chapter 30 One Day

_**One Day**_

_One day maybe we will dance again  
Under fiery skies  
One day maybe you will love again  
Love that never dies…_

I watched over Bella as she slept soundly for a few hours. She awoke feeling invigorated and thrilled, if not surprised to find me still by her side.

"You're really here? And you're staying?"

"Until you send me away." I smirked, thinking of the number of times she had done just that the previous night, yet I remained here with her. "Bella, I will never walk away from you when you need me. For as long as you want me to be with you, I'm yours. I know you have no reason to believe in that… or me. But it's the truth. Will you ever trust in me again? Or have I destroyed that?"

"Honestly? Two days ago, I felt like there was no chance in hell I'd ever put myself through loving you again. Not when I know I'll only lose you all over. Today… I dunno… it's like we were never apart. I feel good with you, Edward. Safe. And yet, inside I know that there's a huge possibility that this is temporary and I'll get burned again. Right now, I don't care. I just want you with me."

I grinned at her shyly. My Bella. Always. "Hungry?"

"Stop trying to feed me!" she giggled as she swatted at my leg. "Did you sleep?"

"No." No lying to her this time. "Feel up to going out for a little while?"

"Do you?" Her look turned concerned. "You didn't sleep."

"I don't need to. Let's go for a walk!" I spewed the truth and got her off topic all at once as she told me about all the places she was going to show me. She was definitely up for a walk.

We alternated strolling and dashing, depending on the proximity of the landmarks she was looking out for. She showed me Riley's university, the park they would get ice cream in and how he would always bring stale bread to feed the pigeons. I finally convinced her to have some dinner when we passed by the diner he would take her to weekly. She went all out and had a cheeseburger.

I, of course, had nothing to eat. But I didn't have to make excuses at this point. I had already told her that truth and she was completely at ease with me refraining from food altogether while she dug in.

"Mmm, there's this great bakery down the street. They make the most awesome chocolate croissants."

"We'll go get you some," I grinned, utterly thrilled just to be in her presence. I would go anywhere, do anything she wanted.

"Are you still feeling okay? 'Cause there's a music shop a few blocks over, but if you're tired, we can go tomorrow."

Grinning as I paid the bill for her burger, I took her hand. "Lead the way!"

As much as I was enjoying the city tour, I loved seeing her history and the way her face lit up or clouded over as she related various stories associated with her memorable places. Currently, she was in a happy place, pleased to show me "a _real_ music shop!" Personally, I preferred the shops that had a wide selection of different instruments, whereas this was focused on guitars and drums, but I got caught up in her love for it during the hour we spent trying out whatever we wanted to. If you could think of a make, model or colour of a guitar, it was here. When we finally left, she froze in place outside the front window. I stopped to pin-point her focus; a Gibson Deluxe Songwriter. Nice looking guitar.

"Wait! I have to show you…" she dug in her bag and came out with a small album containing photos. Flipping through, she shoved the album at me with the page opened to Riley playing this same guitar. "We were meant to be here Edward. Riley is telling me we need this time here."

Riley was telling me something entirely different. I took her hand and pulled her back inside, coming out a half hour later with Bella's guitar. She gawked at the price and instantly told me to forget it, but I could not put a price on Bella's happiness. This made her happy.

As I watched her strumming her gift in our hotel room, I was struck by how much she'd matured since we met. She didn't appear to be the emo rebel I'd first met. She had a softer edge to her now – happiness? And at the same time, she was stronger; much more capable of handling her grief. I dreaded handing her more to deal with. Should I let her have whatever time we could, still living the lie? Would she be happier in the end?

"Whatcha thinking about Iceman?" she asked softly as I lost myself in thought.

"You," I replied with a loving smile. "I missed you terribly, but I didn't even realize how much until I saw you again. It's amplified even more watching you this way."

She chewed on her lip as she gazed at me. Putting the guitar to the side, she laid her head on my shoulder and wrapped her arm around my waist. "I didn't even consider the possibility that it was difficult for you too. I'm sorry. My ranting was unfair to you."

"It was warranted."

"It really was!" Bella giggled as she snuggled in even closer. "Don't ever do that to us again. Promise?"

"I promise to never make the decision for us again. If you decide you don't want me, I'll leave you to your life, but Bella… if you could find it in your heart to love me as you did… I promise to love you forever."

She placed a soft kiss on my cheek, spreading a fire straight through my body. It was better than I'd remembered as well. As the heat flooded me, a shiver ran through Bella.

"Okay, enough of this. Temperature shock…we'll need to acclimatize ourselves again," I grinned at her as I pulled her off of me and stood. "Come on, I'll tuck you into your nice warm bed."

I placed my lips against her forehead as I wrapped the blankets around her.

"Is that all I get?" she grumbled as I stood to leave.

"For now, that's all I trust myself with." I gave her a warm smile. "I'll be on the couch. Do you want me to leave the door open?"

"I want you here. I won't sleep – I'll be watching you all night if you're on the couch."

I chuckled to myself. Roll reversal. It was normally me watching her all night. "I'll stay until you fall asleep, how about that?"

"The bed is huge, Edward. I'll behave. Promise." Her eyes pleaded with me to stay with her. Her thoughts showed she needed to keep this feeling real. She still felt as though it was a dream or something temporary.

"Bella… I need you to feel safe. I'll sit here with you, like before. But lying with you? Too risky. So, lullaby or bedtime story?" I asked for the second time.

She giggled and rolled onto her side as I took my seat on the chair beside her. "Story this time. It will keep you here longer."

"Story it is," I grinned, running through an opening in my mind. "Once upon a time…"

"Oh please…" She rolled her eyes.

"Shh! Do you want my story or not?"

"I do!"

"Then shush and let me tell it my own way. Comfy? This could be a while. I'm ad-libbing."

"Ready when you are Iceman."

"Okay then. Once upon a time, there was a boy who lived in…Chicago."

She smiled and curled into a ball, her eyes never leaving mine.

"The boy lived with his parents in a grand house with a beautiful garden. His father worked for the Embassy and was well-known and well-liked. He and the boy's mother would throw lavish parties that everyone adored attending. His mother, a homemaker, was also a talented musician. She'd entertain their guests by playing piano or cello. After she taught her son to play piano, they would perform together for the guests.

Now, the 3 didn't spend all their time on planning and throwing parties. They shared an interest in the arts, attending stage productions, operas and the likes as well as frequenting museums and art galleries."

"Fancy family," Bella grinned, thinking of how different the family in my story was from her own family.

"It wasn't all about culture. They truly enjoyed each other's company. They would take nightly strolls along the pier, no matter the weather. And sometimes they'd take a boat out onto the lake for a day cruise, packing a lunch and fishing gear. They'd talk and laugh as they spent the days in the sun, cooling off with a swim before laying out in the sun to dry off.

But these were days of leisure. On working days, they were like any other family; working, attending school. The boy's mother would volunteer at the hospital in her free time, sometimes leaving father and son to their own means in the evenings. On days like these, the father shared his love of literature with the boy – reading aloud from classics and poetry books. Sometimes they would create their own stories and relate them to the mother when she came home."

"Awww!" Bella smiled at the picture of the happy family I'd portrayed.

"Yes, they were quite a happy bunch. Perfect family with perfect lives… kinda like you see my family wouldn't you say?" I winked at her as I chuckled.

"Shut up!" she giggled. She always thought the Cullens were perfect.

"Had enough?"

"Not even close! You're a good story-teller. I'm interested, go on…"

"Well, as I said, the boy's mother put time in at the hospital. Volunteers were much appreciated in those days and treated with respect and kindness. She befriended a young doctor on staff; a single man who would often come visit their home and always remembered the boy on holidays. He had the kindest soul any of them had ever known, but he was lonely. He worked selflessly, day and night, tending to his patients; never turning one away. People thought it strange for him to reject more glamorous positions within the hospital, as he was frequently offered given his skill, but nurturing was his true speciality.

When the boy's father fell ill suddenly, the young physician made him his top priority. More than a sense of duty, he'd come to love this family who had accepted him into their lives happily. They adored and respected him, as well."

"Does she end up marrying him? The boy gets a good step-dad instead of an ass like I got?"

"Are you taking over the story?" I teased.

She drew her fingers across her lips, sealing them. I smiled and continued.

"He would break from his rounds to sit by the deathly ill man's side, then rush to the boy's home with daily reports. The family could not visit the man as he was quarantined. It was on one of these visits that the doctor noticed the boy's mother displaying symptoms of the illness as well. If both parents were ill, he suspected the boy to be as well…"

Bella gasped. "Edward! Oh this is a crappy story! It's getting too sad!"

"Well perfect lives aren't always so perfect Bella. Shall I finish my story or have you heard enough?" If she was reacting to a story this way, how would she handle it when she found out it wasn't fiction at all – I was sharing my own life story.

"Go on…sorry…"

"He took mother and son back to the hospital with him immediately. The mother was definitely ill and her condition worsened at a drastic rate. He had hope that he'd gotten to the boy early enough to save him from the same fate as his parents but all hope was gone when the boy spiked a severe fever on the very day his father lost his battle." I paused my story, watching a tear roll down Bella's cheek. I reached to brush it away.

"Finish Edward…go on. I want to know what happens to the rest of them."

"Well, the doctor faced ridicule when he sat hour by hour at mother and son's bedsides. They thought him foolish to be wasting his time this way when there were others who were also so very ill. He did all he could for them, but was at the mother's side when she uttered her final words: 'Save him. Save my son as I know only you can.'

Beside himself, overcome with grief and confusion, he left the boy for the first time and went home. There was much he needed to consider. It was not a simple decision. He made the necessary preparations in case he would comply with his dear friend's last request. He felt she had known all along that he was different and that because of his difference, he was truly the only one who could steal death from her only child. He believed she was giving her permission to do whatever was necessary. He believed she trusted him with the most precious part of her life and he could not let her down. Returning to the hospital, he felt certain he had made the right choice.

In the dead of night, alone in the quarantined room with the boy, he pronounced him dead…"

"Oh!" Bella cried out, her hand flying to her mouth as the tears flowed.

"Shh… it was the only way he knew to get the boy out of the hospital; to do what he had to do. The staff knew of his close relationship with this family, so now having lost the boy as well, they respected his wishes to remove his body himself. Rather than the morgue, the destination was the doctor's home. There were so many deaths, no one would miss this one body." I paused again. "You okay?" I asked softly.

"Did he save him? At home?"

"At home, he unwrapped the boy with great care, tenderly wiping the sweat from his feverish body. During his visit home earlier, he'd prepared everything necessary for the days to come but before beginning the process, he prayed to God. Praying for this to end the boy's suffering and praying that he wouldn't suffer from the cure…praying that this is was he was meant to do. He prayed for an alternative; another way to let the boy live on, as his mother wished. When he was ready, convinced there was no other way… he saved him."

"And then they lived happily ever after?"

I smiled sadly. "That's one way to put it."

She was staring at me intently, her mind working it out. "There's more isn't there," she stated. "That's not the end of it."

"There's more," I replied carefully with a nod. "But that's enough for tonight."

"I want to know how it turns out for him…Edward, this story is so sad. Your mind comes up with such dark things."

"You shouldn't be surprised! You've read my journals." I attempted to make light of it; she had so much on her mind, she couldn't think clearly. I needed her to really think this through and come up with her own deductions. I couldn't _tell_ her, straight out, but I couldn't prevent her from figuring out my truth. For now it was merely a story.

Her hand moved up to cup my cheek. "The boy in your story makes me think of you. That makes it sadder for me."

"What makes you think of me?" I prodded gently. Perhaps her thought process was clearer than I thought.

"Hmm, let's see… from Chicago…" she began with a coy grin. "Cultured, loves music and art and his family. He lost both parents. None of this is remotely like your own life right?" she teased me lightly. She was used to me _wanting_ her to not dig into my secrets. "And the illness… that especially reminds me of you. The doctor is like Carlisle."

"What if it's just a story?"

"Then it's a really sad story."

"And if it's my story?" I asked, barely above a whisper.

She looked at me tenderly, taking a deep breath. "I want to hear the rest, either way."

I leaned in with a smile and kissed her lips ever so softly. "And I will tell the rest. Later. Get some sleep Bella. You need your rest."

She closed her eyes, but didn't release the hold she had on me. "Edward, I want to ask you something."

"I can't sleep with you Bella. For now, this is the best we can do."

Her eyes snapped open. "Where did that come from?"

"That isn't what you were thinking about?"

"Uh, yeah, but…" She shook her head with a chuckle. "Okay then, another question. You asked if I could trust you again – I'm asking you, should I? I had blind faith in you from the day we met…"

"I know," I whispered. "That's part of what made me fall in love with you."

"See, the thing is, I am starting to trust you again. I want to trust you. But…"

"But, what? Bella, please say what's on your mind."

"I don't want to be stupid."

"You're not stupid. You're so very bright and intuitive. You don't need me to tell you what you can and cannot believe in. You've been doing that on your own since the beginning."

"And I got burned." A slow, single tear ran from her eye.

"That was my fault, not yours. That was a result of mistakes _I_ made, not you."

"I trusted you back then, that you wouldn't hurt me. But you did, by leaving. I was wrong to trust you."

I nodded lightly. If she was having doubts in any way, I wouldn't be able to let her discover my secret life. "I can promise you that I will be whatever I can for you, for as long as you want, but I can't tell you to trust me Bella. That's something you have to decide for yourself."

She bit down on her lip. "What if I swear to not pressure you into a physical relationship? What if I promised to be what _you_ need _me_ to be this time? I think I put too much pressure on you. I think you tried too hard to be something you're not and I only want you to be yourself."

I held both of her hands in mine, my lips against her soft fingers. "I love you," I whispered, incapable of saying more around the lump in my throat.

"I've always loved you Iceman. And I think I should trust you. My head tells me to trust you."

"What does your heart tell you?" I knew her mind, it was her heart that was a mystery.

"My heart always has. Hopelessly." Her smile broadened, even as new tears flowed and I held her, making promise after promise that I swore to myself I would never break.

My life was about to change, once again. And once more, it would be based on another's decision. But I _did_ trust this human. I trusted she would make the right decisions based on herself, and therefore the right decisions for me. Could we find a way to meld our two worlds into one without the need for secrecy and deception? I'd put my faith in my little human to decide that for us as well.

_Oh, you're too afraid to touch  
Too afraid you'll like it too much  
The roads, the times, breaking up your mind  
Can't you hear this beauty in life?..._

_(The Verve)_

* * *

A/N ~ Yes, Edward is finally 100% behind letting this relationship develop. No more running for this boy! Yippee! :) Keep reading. XX ~ SR


	31. Chapter 31 If I Gave You My Heart

_**If I Gave You My Heart**_

_If I gave you my heart  
Where would you be  
Would it mean nothing  
If not for me  
If I gave you my eyes  
What would they see  
Would they see nothing  
If not for me…_

Bella was awake before dawn, too anxious to get on with our day to sleep. It suited me fine. We toured more of her favourite sites before the sun came up.

"When I was a kid, I used to try to touch the sky with my toes," Bella laughed as I pushed her on a swing in the park Riley would take her to when they were all together as a family. "Ever do that?"

"No," I laughed. "Can't say that I have."

"Try! You'll love it!"

Taking the swing beside hers, I matched took her lead and we swung, laughing like children. I loved seeing Bella this way. I imagine she was a very pleasant and happy child, though I also pictured her having her stubborn streak from birth. It made me smile, thinking about an emotionally healthy Bella.

"Doubles is fun too. Wanna try?"

"Doubles? You'll have to explain…"

Jumping off her swing with a giggle, she waited for me to stop and approached me. "You stay like that, and I go… here…" She climbed on my lap, facing me with her legs dangling behind. She giggled at the expression on my face from the intimate seating arrangement. "Relax Iceman. Just have fun. Push!"

I pushed off and we both worked to achieve greater height and I did feel relaxed, never laughing so much in my life. I slowed us to a stop when we began getting looks from parents bringing their young children for an early morning play.

"Thank you Bella, for making me remember what it felt like to be a kid." I gave her a soft kiss before lifting us off the swing and setting her on the ground. She gave me another before letting me go. "Where to next?"

"The cemetery is on the next block," she said quietly. "Would you mind if I just went to see Riley for a minute?"

"Whatever you need to do. Which way?"

I walked through the yard with her, weaving around the headstones and crypts, but when she located Riley's marker, I stood aside to give her time on her own. I watched her as her fingers traced delicately over the etchings in the stone and then she knelt on the ground and gave it a hug. I parked myself under a tree and thought of how I might like to go see my parents' memorial stones sometime – if there were any. My eyes drifted up to the sky and saw that the clouds in the distance were beginning to break up. I didn't want to cut Bella's time with Riley short, that's what she came for. But I also couldn't get caught outside in the open this way.

As if attuned to my worries, she stood, placing a kiss on her fingers and touching them to the stone marker and joined me under the tree. "Thank you for doing this."

I smiled gently and pulled her close for a hug. "I'd love to stay here with you all day, but I think I have to go back to the hotel now."

Worry creased her brow as she stroked my face. "Not feeling well?"

No lies, I reminded myself. "It's just one of those times I need to be inside. Away from people."

"I'll take you back, make sure you're okay and then I'll go. I wanted to see if I could meet up with Jacob while I'm here anyway. Maybe it's a good time to do that so I'm out of your way."

"You're not in my way Bella," I said softly. "But I don't want to keep you from the things you need to do either. Let's just see how this works out."

Walking back proved to be problematic. A breeze had sprung up, clearing the clouds much quicker than I'd thought. I was feeling the panic begin as I looked for an alternative option to the hotel – still several blocks away. "Hey, do you want to see a movie or something? Is there a mall nearby? We can pick up the things we need and get that out of the way."

She gave me a confused look. "I thought you wanted to be away from people?"

I leaned close and spoke into her ear. "I just need to be inside. Anywhere. Maybe for several hours. I can't make it to the hotel."

Her mind processed this new information and she began looking for our solution. "The PATH." Her eyes darted around the streets, pinpointing our current location.

"What's the PATH?" I couldn't see where she was going with this.

"It's an underground pathway. You can get around most of the city through it. There's stores and stuff down there but it's only crowded on shitty days. Most people will be on the streets on a day like this. Would that work for you?"

I beamed with delight at my luck and Bella's ability to find solutions to my problems constantly. "That's perfect Bella! How do we get down there?"

We were able to kill a couple of hours, shopping around, safely out of the sun. Bella protested against the amount of money I was spending on her, but it didn't stop me. She was worth any amount to me. I also convinced her to select some food she'd like to have in the room in case we were stuck inside for long stretches. Though, with her PATH solution, it left us many more options. We went back to the room so she could eat and call Jacob.

"Was that really horrible for you?" Bella asked after we were settled back in the room. "Sitting in a cemetery waiting for me to do… whatever. God, I don't even know what I'm supposed to do there. I just feel like I have to be there. Does that make any sense?"

"Sure, and I'm fine just about anywhere Bella, when the timing is right. Don't give a second thought to my comfort. We can go back later, if you want. Talk to him some more."

"Talk to him? Like, actually speak… out loud…"

I grinned at her. "Like that would be the craziest thing you've ever done," I teased. "Why not? We've come all this way. I want you to do everything you need to. There's no point going home and regretting not having done something or wishing you had done something differently while you had the opportunity." The same applies to me, I reminded myself to use this time to finally get things out in the open with the girl I loved.

"Edward, how long can we stay here?"

"As long as you need to."

"And you'll be okay? You don't need medicine or your… fluids?" She looked away, nervously. "Sorry. I shouldn't ask about that."

I went over to join her on the couch, taking her hand and pressing my icy lips against it. She shivered but clung to our locked hands with her other hand. "If we're going to do this again, I want it to be different this time. It won't work otherwise."

She nodded in agreement. _'He's going to tell me his secrets!'_ "You can tell me, Edward. You can trust me."

"I know; I _do_. I do trust you Bella. But I can't_ tell_ you. Do you understand?"

She groaned in frustration. "We're back where we were! How can it be different if you won't open yourself to me?"

"I will. But I can't TELL you. Bella, you're smart, and better yet, bright. Know what I mean? You spot things, you have good intuition and good reasoning skills. I need you to think back to all the strange things you've seen and ignored or just accepted. I need you to think it through and don't fluff anything off. It's all there for you Bella. If you think it through, you can figure it out. You need to figure it out if we're to move forward."

"I have to do this on my own? Unravel all your secrets…"

I nodded excitedly.

"Without asking questions, of course," she stated with a smirk.

I grinned. "You can ask. But you have to decipher my replies. I won't outright lie, but I can't state facts either."

Her grin matched my own. "It's like a camp game."

"But much more serious. I know it sounds melodramatic, but my life _is_, Bella. Once you know what it entails, you can decide if you want to pursue any sort of relationship with me."

Her phone interrupted our conversation and her thoughts. Jacob, returning her call and of course he'd love to see her. I took her to meet with him at the restaurant they agreed on, waiting in the car as they greeted. He was thrilled to see her, immediately wrapping her up in a big hug and then patting her on the head as an older brother would. She waved to me as they ducked inside. I wanted to give her space. Time to relive old times with her brother's friend. Time to be involved with other humans. Ask any of my family members and they would say they would have liked to have more contact with the humans they knew before they became immortal. I could give Bella that.

* * *

They were still inside when I went to pick her up at the arranged time. She waved me over to the table when she saw me enter. Jacob stood, immediately as walked up, holding his hand out to me.

"Ah, the prodigal boyfriend! Good to meet you man! Bellybutton has been talking about you all night!"

"Bellybutton?" I cocked an eyebrow and smirked at her.

She rolled her eyes. "Some things never get old huh? Or just DIE!"

Jacob roared with laughter and motioned for us to take our seats. "Her nickname came about for 2 reasons. The obvious…Belly… Isabella. But Bellybutton is because she was bellybutton height on me and Riley for god… it seemed like years…"

"It was. You kept growing. I could never catch up! The problem with having a considerably older brother."

I smiled, appreciating the history and loving her having this time to remember good times.

"Can I get you a drink? Beer?"

"Oh, uh… I'm underage," I replied.

"You look old enough. They won't card you…" He motioned for the waiter.

"No, really, I'm fine."

"Edward's driving. He can't drink." Bella had me covered. She smiled at me with a wink and took my hand under the table. "We won't stay too long. I know you're tired." She turned back to Jake to cover me further. "He's been driving for days. Catches up with you when you stop."

They chatted on for another half hour or so, and I really didn't mind just listening in. I was getting a very pleasing image of a happier Bella. And it was clear that Jacob was like a second older brother to her. He couldn't replace Riley, but he cared for her just as he had.

When Bella excused herself to find the washroom, Jacob took the opportunity to give me the big brother talk. "So, I wanted to thank you for bringing her down here. I know she's been homesick. I've been lax in keeping in touch with her though. I suck at correspondence." He offered an apologetic grin. "But she tells me you've been the key to getting her here and have been very supportive. That's awesome."

"I know how important it is to her to be here right now. Of course I'd help her." It felt strange to me, sitting here with him. I was not intimidated by anyone, normally. But spending my time with Bella, acting human had given me more human qualities than I cared for. If I could sweat, I would have. "She's very important to me. I'd do anything for her."

Jacob nodded, eyeing me carefully. "You know she's been fucked over."

"I do know that, yes."

"She told me about you buying her that Gibson. Very cool. You know the story, right?"

"Her brother had one like it…"

"Her brother would have wanted her to have it. He taught her to play on that guitar. Her dick of a father took it when he cleared out the apartment he had with another buddy."

I raised my eyebrows in interest. I hadn't known that part. "So he still has the original?"

"Doubt it. It caused a huge stink, so I think he would've given it to her if he had it. He has no use for it, personally. I don't think it meant nearly as much to him as it did to Isabella, obviously. When she kicked up a fuss about it, the logical thing would have been to send it to her. Instead, he got angry and refused to speak of it. He sent her a replacement as a Christmas gift. Dumb fuck thinks an SG is the same as Riley's. I have no idea if she even uses it. She was pissed."

I pictured her guitar, from what I remembered. It was battered and worn looking. I had assumed it was a hand-me-down, but knowing Bella, she had used it as a target for her anger and frustration before she actually picked it up and played it. "I didn't know that. Thank you for telling me." I wanted to know every little thing about the girl I loved. Every detail.

"And, from what I know, you're the first guy she's ever fully put her trust in… as a boyfriend. She trusts me because Riley did. And it's a valid trust." His eyes continued to bore into me. Holy fuck. "If Riley were still around, he'd still be taking care of Isabella, as he always did. She wouldn't have gotten fucked around. I let them both down, not being there for her when she needed a surrogate big brother. I just couldn't cope…"

"It's completely understandable." I received a rapid flash of memories from him, of his own grief from losing his best friend. He was truly remorseful for leaving Bella on her own.

"If… if Riley were around now, he'd take the time to get to know you… for his sister's sake. If you're anything like she says, you would've been great friends. But he's gone. And so I'm here to tell you… don't fuck her up. She's a good girl. She deserves much better than she's had."

I started to stammer out a protest and agreement when Bella returned to the table.

"Jake! Are you bullying him? Don't do that! He's a good guy."

I smiled at her to ease her worry. "He's just looking out for you Bellybutton."

"Okay. Once! That's all you get! And now you may NEVER call me Bellybutton again." She spoke sternly, but her smile was loving. "We should go, yeah?"

"Thank you for sitting through that too," Bella said softly as we drove back to the hotel. "It must have been boring listening to us. And was Jake rude to you when I left? He had this guilt complex because he didn't stick around to protect me from all the evil boys. He's concerned you're another one. I did set him straight though."

"It was fine, Bella," I grinned at her. "I'm a big boy. I can take it."

"Mmm, you are." She snuggled up against me as we stopped at a traffic light. "Can we continue the story when we get in?"

Kissing the top of her head, I took hold of her hand as I pulled away from the light. "Maybe."

"If I behave?" she asked mockingly.

"If you behave." I laughed as I scolded her.

"I don't know Iceman… I'm really liking your new look. Well, your old look, technically. Your natural look. You're pretty hot."

"Behave Bella…"

She ran a hand through my hair and planted a kiss on my check before shifting back to her own side of the car. From there, she blew me another kiss and winked at me. I could only shake my head and laugh. She would so have me doing whatever she wanted me to… again.

* * *

"Where did we leave off?"

Bella had a soak in the tub when we got back, and dressed in my old shirt again before climbing in bed, anxiously awaiting the continuation of my story.

"The doctor saved him," she reminded me, a glint in her eye. "Do you have to sit way over there? I won't jump you."

I sighed with a grin and moved the chair back to the side of her bed.

"Isn't that chair uncomfortable?"

I shook my head. Stone on padded fabric… stone on any surface, could be neither comfortable nor uncomfortable. I would have been just as comfortable standing for the next hour, motionless or laying on a bed of nails.

"There's like, zero chance that you'll lay next to me for this, is there." She didn't phrase it as a question because she knew the answer.

I decided to throw her off, standing and leaping over her body to stretch out beside her. "Happy?"

"Ecstatic!" she beamed, turning on her side to face me.

"Mm-hmm. Just keep your thoughts clean and your hands to yourself."

"You can't control my thoughts!" she countered lightly.

I chuckled. No, I couldn't. But Jasper was another story… but you'll know that soon enough, my love.

"Are you sure you're okay Edward?" All teasing was gone from her voice. "You look tired. Your eyes are darker. Is there something you need?"

"I need you to be this observant all the time," I smiled at her gently. I had taken note of my eyes earlier on as well. She was right. But it was still manageable. "Do you want me to continue, or would you rather just go to sleep?"

"Continue please," she smiled at me, at ease from my calm response to her.

"Do you need a recap or clarification on anything before we begin?"

"Will you get upset if I interrupt with questions?"

"You can try," I replied with a grin.

"I'm good for now then."

I flexed my hands before folding them over my chest as I began my storytelling once more. "So the doctor holed up with his young patient for the next several days. He called into the hospital and told them he'd need an emergency leave…family related. He had never requested time off and the staff knew he was grieving the loss of his friends as well, so they told him to take what time he needed. What they didn't know was that the doctor's lifestyle had demanded he become a convincing liar, so they wouldn't know truth from fiction to begin with.

The initial 24 hours were crucial for his patient and he spent much of that time tortured with the thought that he had made the wrong choice; that he was killing the boy in a different, and more cruel way than the illness was doing itself. He was still very ill from the virus, and the cure was excruciating. The doctor suffered alongside the boy, hour by hour."

Bella held up her hand. "Can I ask…"

I nodded.

"Why was it so painful? I thought he'd prepared to take care of him at home. Didn't he have medication to help?"

"He had prepared. But it was very experimental. He had never attempted this before so he wasn't sure what the outcome would be. He had expected the boy to be in agony, but this illness he had was like no other and the doctor worried that he had gotten to him too late or that he had performed the procedure incorrectly. As I said, he had never done this before." I paused to grin at her. "It's complicated."

"I'll say! I take it he didn't have FDA approval for this procedure?"

I laughed in response. "Uh…no…"

"But he was dying anyway. And his mother asked the doctor to do this, right? She knew?"

"Um… she had an idea, I'd say."

"So even if the cure was experimental, it was his only hope."

I shrugged. "One way to look at it."

"And the other…?" She was completely caught up in this now.

"He was a guinea pig. A scientific experiment, of sorts."

Bella perched herself up on one elbow. "You're not saying the doctor's a bad guy!"

"Not bad…troubled. As I said, he was a thoroughly convincing liar, so his side of the tale is something altogether different. He, himself, had been tortured but found a salvation for himself. He came to terms with his own fate and accepted it, however, over the years, he became lonely. Bonding with this family and then losing them had made it worse. During those first few days, he questioned his own motives. Was he doing this for the family, as he'd been asked? Or was it purely selfish, to have someone of his own. His bond with the boy, having watched him grow up, was especially strong and he loved him as if he were his own son. So, as any parent would, he questioned if he was being selfish and should just let him die…"

"No! He shouldn't. He should help him, no matter. And if it helps the doctor too, it's a win/win."

I was a bit surprised by her immediate and determined stance on this. Nearly a century later, I was still debating that very thing.

"You said he watched him grow up? How old is the boy at this point?"

"17," I blurted. Damn. Perhaps I should have left that more vague.

"Old enough to make his own decision, but not healthy enough to do so."

"That's right," I smiled and placed an arm around her, drawing her near. "I'm so glad you're paying attention."

"So how long did the pain go on for?"

"In some ways, the pain still exists for him. But the initial pain, the burning inside, subsided after the third day. He began improving by the hour and the doctor was optimistic. All traces of his illness were gone."

"So, in the end it was worth it."

"Hmm. You think that's it? They lived happily ever after, end of story? I'm afraid there's much more to it, my love," I said softly. "The cure worked, yes. He was no longer ill – forever immune, in fact. But he faced other challenges of the cure. It was more than a year before he could function in his new form. You see, the cure changed him forever. There were many things he had to learn and adjust to. Acceptance was the hardest fought battle." I lost myself in my own thoughts briefly. Had I even accepted it at this point?

"What was the cure?"

"Huh?"

"The cure – what was it? How did it change him?"

I studied her eyes. Was she ready for this part? She seemed to be asking all the right questions and I sensed she was seeing the correlation between the story and what she thought she knew of me. Would this throw her off? "Venom." I decided to go with it. The truth.

I would give my love all the facts she needed to figure out the mystery and the space to make her own decision. I would give anything to make this unnecessary, but it was our reality. I hated myself for doing this to her. I wanted to give her all the things a normal man would… my strength and guidance, my security and comfort… my heart. If I still possessed a soul, it would belong to her. My Bella.

_And I gave you my dream of the world and we stood on the quay  
And we sang to the wind in the whole darkening sea  
And I feel my weight and I guard my soul  
And I found my beliefs when I found my control  
I gave you my hand and my soul on the earth  
And I gave up on the truth when I heard about the worst  
So I lived out of love when I gave it away  
And I sold off my soul when there's no one to pay…_  
_(Ocean Colour Scene)_

* * *

_A/N ~ In response to those wondering, YES! This Edward will do anything his Bella asks of him. ;) Stick with me. ~ SR _


	32. Chapter 32 One For the Road

_**One For the Road**_

_No I never knew you  
We both went to different schools  
Me so scared of the rules  
You chasing all the girls  
Now it seems to me  
We never grew up we just got ourselves free…_

"Venom." Bella repeated the word I'd used in my story, incredulously. She wasn't mocking it, she was processing.

I was instantly on edge. If this truth was too much… if this truth frightened her… I could lose her. Worse, what if she thought it was too outrageous and decided my entire story was just that – an outrageous story pulled from the very dark mind of an extremely troubled young man.

"Venom?" she repeated again.

I nodded earnestly. She didn't seem to disbelieve. And she wasn't running. Yet.

"Like snake venom?"

"A different venom," I corrected her.

"It's a good kind – it made him well."

"It made him different, not only well. Maybe this is enough for one day. Want to listen to some music?" I was suddenly very anxious that she _would_ process everything I'd told her thus far and realize what I was and that would be it. The end of my story. The end of Bella and Edward. I wanted to prolong my time, if these were my last hours with the love of my life, I craved just a few more.

"Music? Not really. I want to know how he changed…"

Stubborn Bella…

"I already told you how he changed! Venom! It entered his body, attacked the virus, killed it and neutralized _everything_ else." My edginess made me irritable and I hated even thinking about this part. Still, it was something she had to know about if she were to know the full story. "Sorry," I said at once. "I didn't mean to snap at you. Do you see how it worked?"

She nodded quietly. "I kinda meant something else though. I wondered how he was different – after the cure."

"Oh." I caressed the back of her hand before bringing it to my lips. It soothed me as well. I needed to calm down and stay in control. "In that case, I'm _really_ sorry. I'm a Class A jackass. Do you still want to know?"

"Only if you're okay. You look so tired Edward. Are you okay?"

Smiling warmly at her, I cupped her face in my hands. "I'm… Bella, there isn't anything I wouldn't do for you. I don't want it to be a struggle for me to not…" I held back from saying 'for me to not hurt you' because at this point, I honestly didn't think I would. I didn't think I _could_. I trusted myself a whole lot more now. I took a deep breath, closing my eyes briefly before drinking in the sight of her once more. "I'm coping Bella. I'll be okay. You, however, have an intense day ahead of you tomorrow, and I think you need to get your rest."

She stared into my eyes for the longest while. "Promise me you'll finish your story later on."

"I promise. You will know everything about this boy's sad story before we head home."

* * *

"My god. I look like shit!" I moaned, gazing at myself in the mirror the next morning. My pupils were not entirely dark yet, but they were muddy looking. The worst was the dark lines under my eyes. If I were human, I'd probably be thought of as extremely anaemic. The darkness accentuated my pale skin.

"Yet still beautiful." Bella appeared behind me, wrapping her arms around my towel-clad waist and kissed the back of my shoulder. "What do you need Iceman? What will make you better?"

I need for you to know the truth, my love – so we don't have to play these games and we can move forward, in whichever way you choose. My thoughts couldn't come out just yet. "I need you," I stated simply. "Your warmth makes everything better."

"Edward, seriously!" She pushed me away as I turned to embrace her. "I don't want you making yourself sick for me. I meant it – this starting over thing is gonna be two ways. I'm supporting you equally this time."

"Yeah?" I grinned crookedly.

"I'm your rock baby!" She grinned back and wrapped her arms around my shoulders this time. "Whatever you need."

"I need you to let me get dressed so we can get out of here!" I kissed the tip of her nose and pulled her arms away. "Bella, I may need to be inside this afternoon, so anything you need to do outside, we should get done now."

She chewed on her fingernail as she thought. "I have to go see Riley again…"

"Of course! We can go as often as you like." This was the anniversary of his death. I wished we could spend the entire day with him in the cemetery, if that's what she wished, but according to an early text from Alice, we'd have a hazy morning only. And we were to avoid 'the big dome thingy'. I'd seen that yesterday – the domed stadium and I would make sure we steered away from that area. Her vision saw us trapped nearby with no shade.

After a quick breakfast for Bella, she decided she wanted to go by his old residence. He had a flat rented with a fellow student in a large house that had been divided into 6 apartments for student renters. She recognised it instantly. The renter below him was an avid soccer fan and had flags hung as curtains on the front windows.

"Can we go up? I want to see if his hallway still smells like burritos." Her amused, pleading face was impossible to ignore. We went up. And it did stink. "This was his." Her fingers traced the panelled door.

Without hesitation, my hand went up and knocked against it.

"What are you doing?" she hissed in a whisper, stepping behind me.

"Seeing if anyone's home…"

"And what then? Break in?"

I smiled and began to deny any such thought, but the door cracked open just an inch. "Yes?" A woman's voice.

"Oh, hi. We're not selling anything. I'm here with my friend…" I tugged Bella out so she could be seen. She looked harmless and innocent. Her visual would go well with the act of vampire persuasion I was about to use. "We're really sorry to disturb you, but we've come an awful long way to be here. My friend's brother used to live here…"

"Sorry. Don't know where the old tenant moved to," she replied shortly, but polite enough.

"No no. We know…" I paused for dramatic effect. "He didn't move. He was in an accident… and well, Bella – my friend – she's just revisiting Riley's life…"

"Oh! Oh… _that_ tenant! Um… hold on." She closed the door abruptly and I heard rushed whispers from the other side.

Bella glowed red with embarrassment and gave me a smack. "Why did you do that?"

"You wanted to be here. You wanted to have a look inside, right? Doesn't hurt to ask." They would agree.

The door eased open and we were faced with two girls; the newest student renters. "You're Riley's sister, right?"

Bella nodded, her bottom lip completely tucked under her teeth. "Did you know him?"

"We know _of_ him. Everyone here loved him. And he was dating my sister's friend for a while, just before…" She grimaced with empathy. "I'm so sorry."

"Do you think, if it's not too much to ask, Bella could just have a few minutes here?" I asked in a soft, alluring voice.

"Sure, yeah, of course!" They stammered out single syllables as they ushered us inside. "Oh, and his jerk of a roommate that just bailed on the last month's bills left a bunch of stuff behind. We didn't want to toss it in case he returned."

I grinned at their scheme. "You were holding it for ransom."

They chuckled in agreement and one went to get the box for us to look through. "If any of it belongs to your brother, please take it."

The girls stepped aside to let us rummage through and Bella did come up with a few items of Riley's – books, a few discs and most valued… his very well-worn guitar strap. She smiled through her tears coming across that. Her thoughts veered to the guitar I'd purchased for her; how we were meant to be there and now having the original strap to put on her new guitar was like Riley and I working together to make her happy. I know that I would have liked Riley. He would be another human, like Bella, that I didn't merely tolerate, but respected and valued.

Thanking the girls profusely, we claimed Riley's items and left the rest for their ransom. Or to burn in a bonfire, as they planned to do if he didn't return by graduation.

"See? I knew I had to come home this weekend! Thank you Edward! You've made this so perfect!" Clinging to my arm happily as we walked away, she said a silent goodbye to Riley's apartment. Her mood turned a little sullen as she selected her next destination – the building that now stood on the accident site.

An idea came to me as she said a quiet prayer for him as the side of the building. Looking around, I spotted just the tool I'd need; a jagged piece of stone. As she stood with her forehead pressed against the brickwork, I worked quickly to duplicate her tribute to her brother. 'CRS'was now etched into the brick, just as clearly as it was on her skin. With teary eyes, she held a hand to my cheek and mouthed "thank you" before she took the stone and used it to draw a heart around the initials.

I was casually attempting to check the sky for any indication of the haze moving off over the lake, when I felt Bella take hold of my hand. "Time to go Iceman," she whispered.

"Where to next?" I smiled, willing to go along with anything.

"Hotel. Come on. Let's get you inside."

She had stunned me and my expression showed it. Laughing, she tugged on my arm and we walked with a steady pace back to my hiding place. How did she know?

"Bella…how did you…" Once safely inside, I had to ask.

"I think I've figured it out."

If my heart were still able to beat, it would have stopped. I couldn't read anything from her at the moment, so I had to be careful in my response. "Figured out… what, exactly?"

"I figured out when you need to be inside; away from people, or whatever. Your eyes get dark. I used to think you wore contacts, but no… they've been several different shades since we've been here. You didn't even bring enough underpants, I'm sure you didn't pack a half dozen shades of lens."

My observant human. I beamed with pride and certainty that she would figure out the rest as well.

"They were dark that last day we were together too, " she said softly. "Edward, if being here… with me… well, if it's too much for you…"

"I won't hurt you again." I spoke assuredly, as I was certain of my words. "I feel more in control of my rage than ever in my life. Bella, I hate what I did to you that day, but in a way, I think we needed it."

"I know I did," she smirked, with a blush growing on her cheeks.

I gave her a chastising look. She shouldn't joke about me taking her that way. Especially not knowing what I really had in mind for her. "What I meant was, I was able to stop. When it came down to… I controlled it and stopped. Bella, I want you to know why this happens to me because it's vital in keeping you safe, not just with me." She watched me speak with avid interest, wanting me to let it out. "You know I can't… but you'll get it. You've already caught on to the change in my eyes. Keep watching for that Bella. The darker they are, the more dangerous I am. You already know that."

She nodded, believing in me fully.

"This is good Bella. So good. You're paying attention, like I asked. You need to keep doing that; pointing out the odd things, no matter how trivial. Okay? Can you do that? Keep all of them in mind and you'll understand soon enough."

As she moved in tentatively to hug me, a yawn escaped her. "You know what? Maybe we should switch it up. Sleep during the day and go out all night." She was joking, but it wasn't entirely a bad idea.

She agreed to another nap and I occupied myself with one of the books she'd gotten from Riley's part of the stash; just for amusement's sake, Bram Stoker's 'Dracula'. I chuckled through many pages and then got annoyed and irritated. "This is complete garbage! So inaccurate! How can they publish this shit?" I muttered to myself, unaware that she was standing in the bedroom doorway.

"Talking to yourself Iceman? Is this another weird thing you do in your secret life?" Her smile showed a kind mocking.

"No. Just me being weird, period. Have you read this?" I held up the stupid fictional novel that had me riled. "Don't ever bother if you haven't, it's a waste of time."

She chuckled softly and took the book from my hand, kneeling on the floor beside where I sat. "If it's upsetting you, don't read it."

"I don't plan to read any more of that drivel," I said indignantly.

"Good. Edward, look at me. Are you okay?" She held my face in her hands, searching my eyes. "Please tell me if there's anything I can do…anything you need… and I'm not being playful or hinting at anything sexual. I'm concerned for you. Can I help you?"

I shook my head with an appreciative grin. "I love your concern, my love. But there is nothing you can do for me. This is part of why I avoid you when I'm like this. I don't want to worry you, but this is normal for me. Okay?" I held her wrists, as her hands were still on my cheeks. "Still want me?"

"Always," she said with utter seriousness and not a hint of hesitation.

"Ready to go back out?"

"Are you?"

I smiled widely and removed her hands, holding them at our sides. "For you, I'm ready for anything. Shall I take you to Riley again, or is there something else you'd like to do."

Her lip quivered even before she spoke. "I need to be with Riley. But Edward… I need to be with you more, so if what I'm asking is too much…"

"Anything, Bella; I mean that."

"Stay with me when we get there? I want Riley to meet you, because you're the most important person in my life and he should know you."

I nodded and pulled her into an embrace, unable to speak around the lump in my throat.

* * *

"So… um… I hope you're not laughing your ass off at me up there, but it came highly suggested by a very close friend, that I actually _talk_ to you here. Out loud. So don't laugh… I'm doing this for you, Riley. Because I love you – always. And I still remember – always." She stood awkwardly in front of his stone marker.

I stepped up and hugged her from behind to show my support.

Holding my hands that crossed over her belly, she leaned back against me. "Riley, this is Edward. He's my best friend. My boyfriend. My _everything_, now that you're gone."

"How're you doing Riley?" I said softly. "I've heard so much about you, I'm sorry we never met."

"Edward's awesome, Riley. You'd get along with him so well. He's got a Beamer! And I bet he'd even let you drive it, 'cause he's cool that way. I love him Riley. More than I ever thought possible. He's so good. So good." Her voice had dropped to a low whisper.

"You'd be so proud of Bella," I took over the conversation. "She's smart and beautiful and getting stronger every day. And she kicks ass on guitar! She thinks I'm a total lunatic, but I thought you'd like a private concert, right here." When I told her my plan to have a small party at his grave, she gave me her best what-the-fuck-look, but I still insisted on bringing her guitar.

"I can't… seriously. We're in a graveyard Edward!" she whispered, as if anyone could actually hear us arguing.

"You don't think this place could use some livening up?" I grinned wickedly.

She smacked me for my bad joke, but laughed regardless. We stood on Riley's plot, hugging for the longest time before I set up our party. We'd stopped and bought a pizza for Bella on the way, along with the essential Cokes. And I coerced her into playing his favourite song, 'Dark Side of the Moon'. Once that was overwith, she relaxed a lot more and it was like an actual gathering of three friends. We sang and strummed and she told stories about all his antics with Jacob and the string of girlfriends he had, never able to choose just one, as I certainly had.

It was after midnight when we packed it in, cleaning up our trash and preparing to say goodbye to our charming, but silent host. This was the only time Bella brokedown, kneeling by his stone, her arms around it and I gently rubbed her back until the sobs subsided.

"Thank you for doing this Edward. Was it really horrible? Did you feel stupid standing there talking to a tombstone?"

I acted all aghast at her question. "I wasn't talking to a tombstone! I was talking to Riley! Clearly." I nudged her and pointed to the picture we'd placed at the foot of his marker. We both agreed that the marble didn't do him justice. We needed a visible Riley for our private party.

"I'm leaving it here. Everyone who passes by should see the person he was."

We left, hand in hand, with Bella glancing back now and then until his stone was out of sight. "So what did you think of him?" she asked, nudging me this time.

"He's great. A bit quiet though. I expected a talker, with a sister like you…"

My teasing got the reaction I'd wanted. She smiled, laughed, and danced through the street. "I love you Riley Swan! You throw the best parties EVER!"

There is no way to 'get over' a loved one's death; you simply go on and hopefully, reach a point where you can celebrate the life that person had. Tonight, Bella had that moment. And I... well, I felt like Riley and I had a lot in common. We both adored the same girl, we both loved music. And we had both been taken from life far too soon.

_What do you say when someone's been taken that way  
Before they've had a day to fly in the sun  
__You say get up and dance  
__Get up and smile  
Get up and drink to the days  
that are gone in the shortest while…_

_(Ocean Colour Scene)_

* * *

_A/N ~ About this song…one of my ALL TIME favourites, period – not just from OCS. Beautiful song about a horrible subject. I've listened to it a million times and it pulls at my heart every time, to this day. Worth seeking out. __~ SR _


	33. Chapter 33 This Is How I Disappear

_**This Is How I Disappear**_

_Can you hear me cry out to you?  
Words I thought I'd choke on figure out  
I'm really not so with you anymore  
I'm just a ghost,  
So I can't hurt you anymore  
So I can't hurt you anymore…_

"You are not sending me to bed again, Edward Cullen. I've slept more since we've been here than I have in a month." Bella voiced her opinion on my offer to draw her a bath and get her bed ready. It was the middle of the night, after all. "In fact, I'll only sleep again once I see you asleep."

Long time waiting on that one, honey. "You'll regret this day/night flip around when you have to go back to school," I reminded her instead of voicing my thoughts.

Shrugging, she kicked off her shoes and made herself comfortable on the couch. "I'm not tired. You could finish your story."

"Or you could eat… are you hungry? There's a 24 hour store, I noticed on the way home…" We were getting to the intense part of my story, could she handle that after a day that was already so emotionally draining?

She stared at me stoically. "I'm fine. Come sit with me and tell me a story."

"Hmm. Okay. Do you know the one about the girl who lived with all those dwarves… kinda creepy, but a classic, I suppose."

Bella swatted my arm and pulled me closer. "I don't give a shit about Snow White."

"I love your spirit." I took a seat at the other end, pulling her feet up on my lap and massaged them.

"Just tell your story." She rolled her eyes, but moaned as I hit a tender spot and then sighed as I got the knot worked out. "You were about to tell me about how the boy was different."

"Your stubbornness and impatience is another story…"

"Mm-hmm. Tell your story."

"Thirsty? There's a Coke in the fridge. I can make you a tea."

"Procrastinator," she teased me as she dug her toes into my stone ribs. "Ouch! Okay, I bent my toe right back…" She was giggling but I didn't see the humour in it. My body could seriously damage hers and she didn't seem to care. Would she care after she knew my whole story? After she figured out my truth?

She certainly was determined to get it out of me, so I figured she was ready. Whether or not she would accept it and cope, was a different matter altogether. Sighing, I leaned my head back against the couch and closed my eyes. "So, as I told you, when the venom entered the boy's body, it altered everything in its path. In essence, it froze his body."

"You told me it burned," she interjected.

I grinned, realizing she had recalled the details so far. "I did, you're right. Initially, it felt like it was burning him from the inside out. By freezing him, I mean it prohibited any further change – growth – what have you. He would always be as he was on his final day of… normal life." I waited for a comment.

She reached for a Coke she had stashed by her seat that I hadn't even seen and popped it open. Then she held her foot up for more attention. Rubbing it gently, I continued.

"His appearance didn't change drastically, to the eye. And it wouldn't from then on. There were physical changes, yes, but nothing so obvious a person would run from him, just seeing him from a distance. If that person were to touch him, however… they'd know he was something entirely different. It wasn't an issue for the boy, as he had no contact with anyone aside from the doctor for a long time. He was undergoing so many internal changes that it was impossible for him to go out; or for the doctor to leave him alone."

"He couldn't go out anyway. He was supposed to be dead, right?"

"That's right. When he was strong enough, the doctor packed them up and moved them to a new location; creating a new life for them as father and son, in a place where people would only know them as such. The boy had not adjusted to his new life enough to be fully immersed in the community, so the doctor home-schooled him. Teaching him not only what he was missing in classes, but what he would need to know in order to survive in his new world along with how to behave in front of others. It was well over a year before the boy could handle that."

Bella reached behind and flicked off the lamp, then switched herself around so that her head was now in my lap. She looked up at me, gentle love in her eyes. "How was he different inside?"

"Inside… oh, it's tough to describe. In some ways, he felt exactly the same as he always had. He still had a love for music, art, literature and he longed for the parents he'd lost. Though he did grow to love his adoptive father every bit as much. The problem is, he was changed at an awkward time… not really a child, but not yet a man. All the things a boy would feel at that stage in his life, he still felt – would always feel. And it was intensified. When he mourned his family, he desperately wanted to die and he hated the doctor for taking that option from him."

"No…" Bella said softly. "He did it out of love."

"But the boy, in his intense sorrow, couldn't see that, Bella. When that emotion passed, he could feel gratitude. Remember, they had bonded before the change so the boy's fondness for him was always there, and now, as with everything, it was stronger. Bella, think of how _you_ are – how you feel. Now imagine everything; the joy, the sadness, the anger or frustration all amplified 1000 times."

She made a face. "I can barely handle _me_ as it is… I feel bad for him."

"With his new heightened sensations it was difficult, to say the least, to control his emotions. That was a major part of his tutorials with the doctor. Though even he couldn't fully empathize, as he was past his teenaged years when he, himself was changed. He had lived and experienced and matured enough to be more in control. Think about how angry you were with your mom when you ran… imagine that 1000 _MORE_? Anger, very quickly, becomes rage and that was particularly important for him to learn how to manage. It was now part of his genetic make-up, so it was the most difficult to control, but impossible to live in any society if he didn't."

"He could live in New York," she quipped.

"Smartass. Are we done?"

"No! Edward, I'll shut up, I swear!"

I examined her face in my lap, stroking her hair. She should be seeing the connection with the rage thing, yet she still gazed up at me adoringly; as if I could never rage against her. As if I never had. "I think we could use a short break."

"Oh. I have to move…" she grumbled as she started to get up.

I held her against me. "You don't have to," I whispered, my breath icy cold against her neck.

She flushed and shivered simultaneously. "Edward…" Her hands moved up to hold my face and she pressed her forehead against mine. Cradling her head, I turned mine slightly to let our lips meet and we slow kissed for the first time since our reunion. I broke it off as I chuckled, thinking of teenaged horniness amplified by a 1000. That's what I was experiencing.

"Alright. I think we need a break from this as well." I moved her off my lap gently, setting her beside me. "We need to make a decision. Well, you do."

"I want you. There, decision made." She attempted to make out like she was joking, but she was dead serious. She was also perfectly content to sit together, holding hands as we were. She was trying so hard to lessen any pressure on me. It made me love her all the more. "Okay, what do we have to decide?"

"Well, we should be going home tomorrow, according to our original plans. But that's going to be an issue for me… I'm sorry…"

"You _are_ sick. I knew it! Edward, tell me what we need to do! Should we call Carlisle?"

"No no no. Honey, relax. It's nothing I can't handle for now." I leaned over to give her forehead a soft kiss. "But it will be an issue soon enough. We can either leave right now and drive through the night, or I can…" I would need to feed soon. Very soon.

"I don't want to leave yet. I feel like there's more that we have to cover before we go home," she replied softly.

I nodded my agreement. "I feel the same. So you want to stay another day?"

"At least!" she grinned at me. "But only if you're alright."

I kissed her softly once more before standing up. "Bella, I have to leave you here, just for a little while. There's something… I have to… "

She nodded her head, standing in front of me. "Just do what you have to and come back to me Iceman."

As I drove north, to the nearest wooded area I was aware of, I wondered how the easiest girl in the world to love could possibly love me. How had someone not loved her so much she wouldn't have even noticed me? And how could I draw out the kind of love she had to give? All the intensity of the love I had for her months earlier was now amplified again. 1000 times. If I lost her now, by giving her what she wanted and deserved – the truth – I would have nothing. There would be nothing for me in this world. I would live the rest of my immortal existence as a ghost of an immortal. An empty, granite shell.

* * *

Bella looked up anxiously when I returned and then ran into my arms when she saw my smile.

"You were afraid I wouldn't come back," I stated softly. "Honey, I told you I would."

Nodding, sniffling through tears, she placed a dozen tiny kisses on my chest as she held onto me as tightly as she could. "I believe you now. Before…I wanted to believe; now I'm sure. You're feeling better." She traced a fingertip along my cheekbone. The darkness was fading rapidly now that I was fed. Taking me by the hand, she led me over to the couch and curled up beside me. "I called my mom."

"Bella!" Smiling, I took both of her hands and brought them to my lips. I had wanted to encourage her to do that all day, but was reluctant to push her in any direction. "I'm so glad you spoke with her. Everything okay?"

She chuckled, still teary and nodded. "She wasn't even too pissed about the time of the call. I woke her…but she honestly seemed happy that I did. We talked for an hour. She's in love with you again – just so you know." Her elbow gave me a playful jab.

"I'm more concerned about her daughter's feelings."

"More than ever." She stared into my eyes with such intensity, a warm spread through me. "Jake called her last night. He told her I was handling things very well and that you were taking care of me. She trusts him – more than me, probably."

I shook my head. "She trusts you, Bella. I think we've both determined that running away isn't the solution for us, but in regards to your mother… it made her see how much you've grown up. She trusts your choices. All she wants is for you to be healthy and happy. Renee loves you so very much." Grateful for the opening, as Renee was the one human who Bella would have any regrets leaving behind should she decide to stay with me eternally, I needed her to know that her mother would indeed miss her.

I had obtained many thoughts from Renee during that brief meeting the night I returned. I wished Bella could have that same benefit; seeing how much her mother truly loved her. "She never wished you were taken instead of Riley; to her, you were _both_ her _life_. She only has you now, Bella and she wants you to have everything she wished for both her children. Do you understand? When a parent loses a child, they feel like they've failed; they've somehow let that child down. Renee certainly feels like she let you down as well, but she didn't know how to make that right. She is 100% on your side, Bella. She loves you so very much."

Slow tears flowed from her eyes as she listened. My words were reinforcing what she'd left her own conversation with her mother feeling. Today, she was understanding Renee. And forgiving her. "My mom deserves to be happy too. The same things she wants for me… I wish for her. God… I can't imagine what it would be like to be in her shoes; waking up every day and remembering that a person she gave life to is gone and the other is miserable. This isn't the life she wanted for herself, or us." She wiped at her tears and gave me another of those intense looks. "When I'm with you, I'm able to forget the pain and sadness. She told me she wants that for me – she approves of our reunion. But it makes me sad that she doesn't have that. Phil doesn't give her any breaks from her grief; he adds to it."

"You can't live her life for her, Bella. She has to find her own way through it, but I think seeing you making strides towards the life she wanted for you is helping her along too." I paused, considering how to segue into her thinking about the future she wanted. "What do you want, Bella? How do you see yourself in 20 years?"

She giggled, shaking her head. "I can't even see myself after high school… I don't know Edward. There is no specific layout I have for my life, not anymore, and I have no idea if there is some greater force that has an idea for me. What I do know is that the only time I feel right is when we're together. I don't feel like I'm alone in this world. I don't feel like a freak. I don't feel like I want to exit this world and enter blackness forever."

"You don't believe in life after death? You think there would be nothing more for you, when this life ends?" I believed that she would be rewarded greatly for her kindness and purity in life, but it didn't surprise me that she didn't have that vision.

"Not for me. I think I have one chance to find the happiness I want forever and if I fuck it up, game over. Blackness."

She spoke the truth. This was how her mind worked; it all made sense to me now. The grey clouds I had been bewildered by initially were enhanced by the drugs she was given, but not exclusive to it. The grey in her mind was her blanking out anything that hurt. The pain was sectioned off behind a grey wall, as I saw it now. She could wilfully put any thoughts she didn't want known, even to herself, behind this wall and to her, at the end of life, the grey would turn to black. Game over, as she put it. Eternal blackness.

Fuck.

I was torn between a deep sadness that she didn't see a brighter future for herself, but elation with the view that if she did opt to become one of us, she'd never see that blackness. I held her face tenderly while placing a soft kiss on her lips.

"Bella, I'd like to continue with my story… if you're up for it."

She gave me a kiss and nodded eagerly. "I love listening to your voice. Tell me everything."

She stretched out and laid her head in my lap again. I stroked her hair as I began.

"Once they were settled in their new location and the tutoring was coming along, their bond was unbreakable. It didn't seem that one could survive without the other. The doctor was pleased with the success of his experiment, but seeing how it felt to have an honest relationship with another being, he was overcome with the desire for a different sort of relationship. He loved his new son, but he desired a wife – and a mother for the boy. It wasn't long before the opportunity presented itself. A young woman was brought into the hospital he now worked at, her body completely broken. She had lost a child… her baby… and was so distraught that she had thrown herself off a cliff."

I gazed down at her and she nodded to encourage me to keep going.

"Now, he knew that he succeeding in saving the boy from illness, but could he do the same for a mortally damaged body? He risked all and… he saved her as well. He had the boy to help him with the adjustments afterwards this time. They took turns at her side, their affection for her deepening each day as she overcame the initial pain and the training began for her new way of life. She didn't struggle with it as they had. She was amazing; so gentle and kind – a born nurturer. She fell deeply in love with her new family at once."

Bella smiled up at me. "The boy has his family back."

"Yes, and he adored them. However, his struggles were not over. He was often overcome by a deep sadness; a longing for his old life. He continued to battle his rage, provoked so easily. And now, a new struggle as he watched his parents so happy together, so in love. The physical urges of a teenaged boy…"

"Amplified!" Bella added.

"Incredibly so. But it terrified him. The thoughts he had, the desires, were not just those of a teenaged boy. They were coupled with rage, always. And… hunger… for more, I suppose. It repulsed him so much that he vowed to never touch a woman. Feeling that if he forever denied himself, he would overcome the lust that tortured him. He became very strong, able to resist any and all urges for a woman.

Misunderstanding his solitude for loneliness, his parents gave him a gift one day. Wanting so much for their son to have the kind of complete happiness they had with each other, a girl was saved and offered to him."

"Jeez, pimp daddy!" Bella giggled.

"The boy didn't find it amusing," I stated. "Nor the least bit appealing. He rejected every attempt for a physical relationship, though he appreciated her company otherwise. They became brother and sister rather than lovers." I ran my fingers through her hair, watching her face closely.

"Why are you stopping?"

"Just taking a break. Thinking."

"Ad-libs not coming so easily?" she teased.

"Are you paying close attention, Bella? Are you listening…thinking?"

She frowned. "Of course."

"Any questions for me?"

She hesitated and then posed a story question. "Did the sister have the same troubles as the boy or did she adjust easily like the mother?"

Drawn back into my story, I replied to her inquiry. "Ugh. The sister, in many ways, suffered worse. Do you remember what I said about being frozen in your last state?"

"Yeah, the boy was still the same, only more angsty. The mother… oh! She loved her new family so much because of her deep love for her old one. Am I right?"

I brushed my hand across her cheek as I smiled down at her. "You're doing great. The sister, well her life was different from the others. She had a life filled with greed and envyand horrible pain at the end. The end was tragic, no question…"

"What happened to her?" Bella's voice was very soft with concern.

"She was raped, beaten and left to die in the street. By the very man she loved."

"Oh my god…"

"She carried that pain. The bitterness. The hatred… all of it into her new form."

"She must be horrible!"

"No. Just lost. Misunderstood. Inside, she was sweet and loving. She didn't deserve what had happened to her in life. It's what made her bitter. There were times the boy could see through her pain and he appreciated the good inside her. She kept the façade of a very tough chick who could take on the world, but on occasion, she let the boy, and only the boy, see her true self. Her love for him grew when she saw that he could see through her and she accepted that the one good thing to come of it all was a brother who honestly loved her for who she was."

"I get that. I identify with her, totally. That's the best feeling in the world. Well…almost the best. It's even better when the man you love accepts you just the same."

I bent to kiss her forehead. Yes, she and Rose did have similarities. So many similarities. "She would agree. Once she discovered and accepted sibling love, her heart was captured by another. She found her true love and knew it was meant to be him all along."

"Love at first sight."

"And then some!" I winked. "She wanted this man like nothing she'd ever wanted before. She begged the doctor to save him, for her. He did, of course, and the boy got a new brother and his sister gained her mate."

"And he got lonely again." Bella whispered, feeling the pain of this boy in my story.

"Lonely. Confused. Rebellious. He rejected his family and their ways…"

"Oh no!"

"He left them behind to try to find his own way after causing them too much strife…putting them in danger. He felt there was no other way. Nature was commanding him and he was too weak to fight it anymore."

Bella frowned. "That doesn't sound like him… giving up like that. Something happened."

I nodded, avoiding her eyes. I didn't want to talk about this part. It was the worst time of my elongated life and the portion of life in which I'd lost any soul that I may have retained since I'd become undead. Even if she could accept the outrageousness of my reality as a member of a coven of vampires, I dreaded her knowing what I was capable of; what I'd done. I couldn't forgive myself, how could she accept this part of me? It was wrong to ask that of her, but she needed to know.

"He fucked up."

_There're things that I have done  
You never should ever know  
And without you is how I disappear  
And live my life alone forever now  
And without you is how I disappear  
And live my life alone forever now…_

_(My Chemical Romance)_

_

* * *

_

A/N ~ I'd like to point out that Bella is not being dense or clueless as she listens to his story. She's dealing with a lot and it's muddled, but she's working through it behind her wall. She's always known there was a story behind Edward, but sometimes denial is a crutch that's difficult to give up. ~ SR


	34. Chapter 34 Everytime

_**Everytime**_

_We talked about our lives  
Until the sun came up  
And now I'm thinking about  
How I wish I could go back  
Just for one more day  
One more day with you…_

"Do you need a break, Bella?" I asked, hoping she'd agree.

"Actually… yeah. I'll be right back." She fled for the bathroom and I concentrated on picking up her thoughts. I had avoided any while I was telling my story, not wanting her thoughts to sway how I told it. She needed the facts, even if it hurt her… hurt _us_.

'_He's totally back to normal now… his eyes are light, he looks good. He's very patient. Where did he go? What was he doing? I know he's trying to tell me. Think Bella! Think! Okay, what do I know… he doesn't eat. He can't go outside sometimes… why? Does he really have serious rage issues that I've ignored? Is that why he's telling me this story? If so, he's gonna tell me what it was that he thinks condemned him. Pay attention! What is this illness he has? What makes him cold and so hard. Why do his eyes change? And it sounds like his whole family has the same… what are the chances of that? But if it's not an illness… they were all SAVED. What does that mean? Okay okay… just get your shit together, get back out there and let him tell you. He's trying. Right? I hope he's trying. What if this is just a story and has nothing to do with him, regardless of the similarities? Just pay attention. Do it.'_

Well there certainly was no blockage of thoughts. I got it all. _She_ got it all. At least, she was on the verge of getting it. Do or die. She had to be made to figure it out.

I smiled calmly as she re-joined me. "I made you some coffee. It may be a long morning."

"You think of everything." She took the cup and stood on her toes to kiss me. "You know that I love you, right?"

"I do," I grinned, leaning down to kiss her again. I wanted her to see that I could be gentle. Once she learned of the other side of me, she may forget that. "Bella, I love you so very much. Please know that. And remember it. Let's go sit down."

I was unsure of where to pick up. In sequence, she would learn of the heinous acts I'd committed. But I was reluctant to tell her that, as that was all my doing. The boy in the story had no choice about the other things; neither did I. But I had chosen to live out my monstrous urges and I had to own those sins. I would lose her, most likely. I decided it was unfair to tell her the worst before knowing the full story so I saved that for another time, desperately wanting just one more day to give her what she'd deserved all along – my truth.

"Once the boy hit the absolute lowest on his own, he knew he couldn't do this alone. He needed his family. He loved them, and he missed them. They took him back, without question and loved him just as they had before. He never felt he deserved the kind of acceptance and forgiveness they gave him, but he loved them all the more for it. He returned to his pretence of a life fluidly, as if he'd never strayed. His time alone made him much stronger and soon, he knew he had done the right thing in coming home. He began to accept his life, as it was. His family mended his spirit and he lived for them."

Bella smiled over her coffee mug. "The perfect family."

"Yes, Bella. A perfect family. And once the next two joined, it was _the_ perfect family. Mother, father, 3 boys, 2 girls. 3 couples and a loner." I held her gaze steadily as I watched my statement hit home.

'_A doctor, devoted wife and mother…NO! A YOUNG doctor and an over-protective adoptive mom… horny brother and sister… no, 2 couples/sibling pairs… all changed. All different. A new form not visible from a distance but if you were to touch them, you'd know…'_

She played over the vital parts of the story. She was on it. I let her carry out her train of thought.

'_Icy skin…stone muscles…different. Oh my god oh my god oh my god…'_ "It's you," she whispered, breathless.

"Are you okay?" I asked calmly.

"I'm right, aren't I?"

She was breathing heavily now; too heavy. She was realizing she had known all along but denied; the fact that we were actually different. That we were actually not human. This is what I wanted from her and now that I had it, it frightened me. She waited for my confirmation.

I chickened out. "It's a story."

She shook her head, eyes wide. "It's _YOUR_ story."

I swallowed heavily. Do or die. There was no turning back now. I would keep my promise to never lie to her again.

"Edward, was _everything_ you told me a lie? Or is this? How do I know what's true?"

"You're smart, Bella. So smart… you can figure it out." My voice was whisper soft.

"Stop it! Just tell me the fucking truth Edward! For once!" She beat against my chest and shoulders until her tiny fists were bruised.

I held her wrists to prevent her from hurting herself more. "The truth, Bella, is that I love you. That's no lie. I _have_ lied. But since I came back for you, there've been no lies." I stared deeply into her lost eyes. I was losing her. "I'm so sorry. I never wanted to lie to you Bella. It was necessary then. Now, the truth is. Tell me what that is. What's my truth Bella?"

"The only truth I know is that you're a fucking liar! You lied about everything! Your family, Edward! You lied about your fucking family and I loved them and believed in them! And it was all a lie… they lied to me too, didn't they?"

I couldn't even speak, I was so choked up. Part of me had anticipated a freak-out, but never had I factored in that the lies and involving my family in those lies would be her breaking point. I had hurt her. Again.

"Bella, they are my family. Everything I've said in the past few days has been true. I know it's not the original story… our fabricated story for this act… but we are a family. We've adopted each other. I couldn't love them any more if we were born of the story you knew before, or born with the same blood in our veins. They're my FAMILY. And I can't live without them." I searched her eyes for some sign of understanding before carrying on.

"I told the bare minimum of lies in regards to them, because what I've told you, is how I feel. I let you into the most important part of my life, with the fewest lies, because you're the only person I've ever wanted to be honest with. My family were the only people I could be myself with, until you."

"And you had them lie to me too." She wasn't screaming at me anymore. She was calm. Cold. Removed.

"For you. You can't understand that yet, but baby, it was for YOU! And for me. They know I've never had feelings like this for anyone before you… they want to be honest with you just as much as I do because they support me. They support _us_. My family loves you just as they love each other, Bella. Just as they took me in without judgement or lack of trust in me, they'd take you."

"So I could be your sister? Like… oh fuck! Alice isn't your twin, is she? I've just realized… and Emmett isn't your brother? I mean really?"

I shook my head and spoke quietly. "But they _are_."

"Which one was saved for you Edward? Alice or Rosalie? Which sister was supposed to be your lover?"

"Rose," I whispered.

And suddenly, she seemed more relaxed as she sat silently staring into space. "You didn't really lie about that then, I guess. And you tried to tell me more that day of truths in the cottage, but I didn't let you off with that one." She looked at me like she was seeing me for the first time. "This is so fucked. I feel like I don't know you. And yet, I know you MORE now. I think… I think I've always known…"

"You'd be really stupid not to, spending so much time with us and I know you're not stupid. Believe me, that's why an interest was even sparked…because you're not like the dumb girls in every fucking high school in the continent."

She squinted at me and I knew I fucked up. She didn't know how much we travelled around, nor for how long we'd been inventing these acts. "Can you tell me now? Just be straight?"

I shook my head apologetically. "I'm so sorry. You have to do this in your own way… you're getting there, but you have to figure it out and tell me what I am… what my family is..."

"And then you can be honest?"

"Yes."

"Can I ask you questions?"

I hesitated. "How about I ask _you_ questions. I'll guide you."

The tiniest of grins appeared on her face. She was forgiving me. It felt like the weight of the world had been lifted off me. We may get through this. I may have more time with her after all.

She took another bathroom break, and this time, I left her alone with her thoughts. I wanted to stop that too. I didn't want to invade her thoughts. I wanted her to tell me herself, whatever she wanted me to hear. I wanted to be as normal as human/immortal couple could be.

When she returned, she sat at the opposite end of the couch, rather than next to me. As an afterthought, she raised a finger and got up to grab a Coke. "I'll need this."

I grinned and turned to face her. "I know this is a lot to deal with. I'm sorry. It's bad timing too… with Riley…"

She waved my comments off. "Go."

"You want me to leave?"

She rolled her eyes at me. "No, I want you to start guiding me dumbass! Neither one of us is leaving this room until I have you figured out. So, go."

I couldn't help but chuckle and my heart swelled. This was the girl I fell in love with. "Tell me what you know about me."

"You're a liar." She cocked an eyebrow and poked her tongue out.

"Established. Aside from that…"

"You're…different."

"Different; how?"

"You're cold. And your body is rock hard."

"Go on…"

"Your eyes are different. They change with… " A frown appeared on her brow. "Why do they change?"

Grinning, I inclined my head towards her. "_You_ tell _me_. When do see them change?"

"When you're angry. Tired."

I shook my head.

"No? I'm wrong?"

"Half."

"Okay, the tired part is wrong then, because I know they get dark when you're cranky."

"When do I get cranky?" I smirked.

She let out a snort and grinned. "When you don't get your own way mostly… or you're hungry because you won't fucking eat."

"Ah!" I leaned towards her. "Think about that Bella. I don't eat, you already know that. So am I hungry?"

"Thirsty then. Whatever."

I smiled with a nod. "Thirsty. Remember that. What else can you tell me?"

She lost herself in thought. "You said I was wrong about your eyes changing when you're tired. I've seen you eat more than I've seen you sleep… and you don't eat. Do you sleep?"

"What do you think?"

"I think this is frustrating, it's like playing reverse Jeopardy. I _can't _answer in question form. Ugh! Okay, I've never seen you eat more than a bite of something and I've never seen you sleep. I know you don't eat, so I'm saying you don't sleep either."

"Keep going baby, you're doing great. I'll tell you if you're wrong."

"So I'm right about you not sleeping too. Okay… what else do you do that's weird... Oh my god, there's just so much, 'cause truly, you are one strange individual."

I chuckled, relieved by the fact that she was in a joking mood about this now.

"You can't go outside when your eyes are dark." She was serious again. And so very curious.

"Um… not necessarily, but they can _get_ dark if I stay in too long. You know that from us being here… think about that and try again."

"Why do you stay in…" she mumbled to herself. "You stay in when you're thirsty!"

"Sometimes."

"When you're angry? You don't want to hurt anyone, so you stay inside!"

She knew by my expression that she was onto something. "What's the relation there, Bella? Think that one through and then go back to being kept inside. There's not only one reason for that."

"When I came to the cottage that day…"

I gave her a scolding look. "No questions…"

"Okay, you were thirsty when I came to see you. You had been inside for days."

"And…?"

"And…and… you gave into me super easy Iceman. I'd been begging you for months to do it and that day you didn't even hesitate." She had a cocky grin as she teased me.

"Why did I give in, Bella?" I asked quietly.

She realized this was important. She stood and began pacing as she considered that. "You weren't in control… because you were thirsty! You got angry too… not in control! Oh! I'm soooo right!" She did a victory lap, making me laugh. What an amazing human. Fucking amazing.

"You know, you're a little off too, I have to say. You're far too excited about figuring out the umpteen ways your boyfriend is a freak."

"I know!" She laughed and then looked confused. "Edward, when I figure this out… then what?"

I shrugged. "That's up to you." Standing and moving closer to her, we both reached our hands out to touch. "I know what I am and I know what you are. Once you have my advantage, you can decide what you want to do."

Loud sirens sounded from outside, drawing us out of our conversation. Bella moved to the window to have a look in the street. As she drew the curtains, sun flooded the room and I flattened myself against the wall, the only spot in the room not illuminated. Bella couldn't see me as I was in the sun, not before she knew everything. She wasn't ready for that. _I_ wasn't ready for that!

"There's a fire in the dumpster! Come see!" She turned around and spotted me stuck like bad wallpaper. "Edward? What's wrong?"

"Can you close the curtains? Please?" I croaked out.

She did so immediately. "Oh! OHHH! It's the SUN! You can't go outside in the SUN! Oh my god! What are you, a vampire?"

I stayed statue-still against the wall. She was joking, of course. Do I laugh it off or lead her? Do or die. This could be it. "Why do you think I can't go in the sun, Bella?" I whispered, ignoring her question.

Her mind raced; thoughts flew without me trying to pick them up. And she was so very close…

"It burns."

"No."

"It hurts you."

"No. It feels good. I like the sun."

"It makes you warm," she smiled with understanding.

I smiled back. "Not as warm as you do, but yeah. It feels warm."

She had vampire stuck in her mind, but she was thinking stupid Dracula-type myths; that the sun would burn me, kill me, turn me into a bat… And then…_ 'You couldn't tell by looking at him that he was different…' _"It makes you look different. The sun. You look different in the sun. Your eyes change!"

"Get off the eyes. You've figured that out."

"So your skin looks different! Or your whole…form? What? Oh this is too weird…"

"I know. I'm sorry…"

She came and stood in front of me, wrapping her arms around my neck. "Edward, it's this Q&A that's too weird… not us," she said softly. "I want to know you. The real you. It doesn't matter what you are because I love _who_ you are. That's how I've felt from the beginning; why I haven't questioned any of this before. I just love you, Edward. Believe in me. You can trust me."

"I look different, in the sun," I admitted aloud. "My skin looks different. You'd know I wasn't… normal. We can't ever reveal ourselves that way, not without consequences."

She nodded. "Will you show me?"

I swallowed around a huge lump and sighed. "You… When you see me, you won't feel the same…"

"Is it as ugly as my scars?" she asked in a whisper.

"_I_ think it's worse."

"Show me, Iceman. I want to see you." She took my hand and kissed it softly before leading me to the window. She stood me to the side while she peeked outside. "No one can see you from the street and the offices are still empty across. It's just you and me." She lifted the corner of the curtain to let a strip of sun shine in, but not flood me.

"Are you sure about this?"

Nodding, she held her hand out for mine and as I reached for her, the sun reflected off it. I could feel the extra warmth. Her eyes were locked on mine, but when I looked down, so did she.

"Oh… Jesus… You really are 'Iceman'! It looks like little shimmering ice chips."

"I'm a freakish block of ice, no matter how you look at it." I attempted a joke but she didn't laugh.

She was enthralled; turning my hand over in the sun, watching it sparkle and shimmer as she turned it. Then she placed her lips against my palm, very softly. "You're beautiful; no matter how you look at it."

* * *

"Edward, how can I figure out why your skin looks different? I don't know what to guess."

"What comes to mind first?" I pushed a banana and another piece of bagel across the table for her to eat. We'd been at this a long time.

"You're an alien."

I roared with laughter. "I was born in Chicago, Bella! No lie."

"Okay okay. Don't laugh at me! Your skin looks different and feels different… cold, hard… why…"

"Why does yours feel warm?"

"Are you sick of this now? 'Cause I'm trying my best to work this out. You don't need to turn into a smartass!"

"I'm trying to guide you. Do you need a nap?"

"I don't need a fucking nap! Jeez!"

"Well you are a little crabby…" I pointed out.

She stuck her tongue out and picked the poppy seeds off her bagel. "Why is my skin warm? Seriously? I don't know…"

"Think of biology."

"I suck at biology, you know that."

"Yeah, well this is basic. And when we get home, I'm having Jasper tutor you in human biology."

"Whatever…" I got a dramatic eye roll as she continued picking seeds. "I don't know… blood circulating makes it warm."

"Uh-huh. See, I knew you were better with science than you let on!" I gave her a wink and pulled the bagel away. "That's driving me nuts. It's really annoying."

Flicking a poppy seed at me, she peeled open the banana instead. "So you don't have proper circulation. The cure for your illness froze you… oooh. Hold on, this is gonna sound stupid so I have to work this out… The cure froze your blood, so it runs cold, making your skin feel cold but you don't feel cold inside."

"Not quite. Think of the cure."

"The cure? I am. That's what I'm doing…"

"What was it, Bella?"

"Venom." She took a large bite, eyes widening. "You still have venom in your blood!"

"Almost… try again…" I grinned.

"You have venom _instead_ of blood?"

I raised an eyebrow.

"Sorry… question form… you have venom instead of blood." She paused and gave me a strange look. "You don't have blood? Seriously?"

Chuckling, I stood up. "Finish your breakfast and then I'll show you something."

Taking in her fruit as quickly as she could, she tossed the peeling and ran to join me on the couch. I took her hand and kissed it before placing it on my chest.

"What do you feel?" I asked.

"Yumminess. Nice pecs."

It was my turn to roll my eyes. "Beyond that. Focus on what we were just discussing."

She shook her head. "I don't feel anything else. Wait… where's your heart?" Her eyes widened again and her mouth dropped. "You don't have a heartbeat! Holy fuck! Why have I never noticed that before?"

"Because you're too busy feeling up my pecs," I teased. "Not that I'm complaining."

"Edward… how can you not have a heartbeat?" She felt my neck, then my wrist. "No pulse. Are you dead?"

"Am I?" I whispered.

"No. You're not dead. No…" She shook her head frantically.

"Not dead, exactly."

"Different. Changed." She repeated words from my story. "God… Edward, am I gonna lose you? Are you dying? Did you lie about that too?"

"No Bella. I didn't lie about that. I'm not dying. Try to remember that talk we had… all of it. I was trying to guide you even back then because even then I knew we had no chance if you didn't know the truth."

After some thought, she kissed my neck and snuggled against me. "You told me you wanted to die, but couldn't. You can't die because you have no heart to stop beating. No blood to stop feeding your brain."

"You don't need Jasper's tutoring at all, my beautiful, intelligent girl." I tipped her head back to give her a kiss.

"You're not dead. But you're not really alive either if you don't have blood." She made her statement as our lips parted. "You're trapped in between."

Kissing her again, more deeply this time, I held her close to feel her warmth. "You make me _feel_ alive," I whispered as an acknowledgement to her latest revelation.

"What are you Iceman? Really?" she whispered back. "Because you sound like an apparition, but you are the most real thing I've ever had." Her eyes teared up and I held her a little closer.

"You already know, my love. You know what I am."

"I don't Edward… seriously. The closest I came was alien, but you laughed. I'm dry. I haven't got a clue."

"You do. Run everything you know together. There's one piece missing and when you get that, you'll know you were right."

Sighing, she ran through it all again. "You have venom for blood, and it doesn't make your heart beat. You don't eat or sleep and you can't go in the sun. Your eyes change when you're hungry. You can't control yourself when you're hungry…"

"Hungry?" I coaxed.

"Thirsty… sorry. You're cold, but that's because of the venom… what am I missing?"

"Nothing. You ran over it. There's one thing you haven't established regarding one of those differences you mentioned. Twice, in fact."

She re-played it in her mind. "It has to do with your thirst."

"What do I drink?" Do or die…

Her eyes flashed up at me and I saw that she knew, without the benefit of her thoughts.

"What do I drink, Bella? Your best guess - your most ridiculous guess - I won't laugh."

"Blood," she whispered.

"So what am I?"

"A vampire." Her voice was breathy and soft, like a child's.

"Are you frightened?" No denial from me, she knew she was right.

"No."

"Not even a little?"

"I know you. I know who you are Edward…"

"And now you know _what_ I am. Now do you see why I ran? Why I left you after we…"

She shook her head. "You wouldn't…"

"I wanted to." She had to know that I could have killed her. It's in me to kill her.

"What would happen?"

Her question caught me off guard entirely. I had expected fear, disgust, tears… I did not anticipate curiosity. "Most likely, you'd die," I replied with quiet honesty.

"Was that the only time you wanted to…"

"No. It was the only time I almost gave in."

"Do you still want to?"

"More than anything. It's in my nature. I can't help it."

She nodded, slightly breathless.

"You're scared now. I'm sorry."

"Do you want to eat everyone or just me?"

A small chuckle escaped. "I wouldn't _eat_ you…"

She looked up at me, biting on her lip. "Tell me how it works? What do you do?"

I grimaced. "Do you remember way back in the beginning of our relationship, I told you that eating disgusts me, so I do it as little as possible? Well… are you sure you want to know?"

"I want to know everything. I know now. You can tell me, right? That was the deal? You can let me in, finally?"

"I don't eat my prey. I drink from them. I only need their blood."

She nodded. "How much do you need? What fills you?"

"It depends… if I go a long time without, it takes more to satisfy my thirst. If I'm overly emotional, angry, again… more. If it's something I desire more than others… I could go on and on."

"So you have favourites? How do you know who's blood you'll like? And do they all die?"

I lowered my eyes. She was taking this far too well, but I know the thought of me drinking from a person disturbed her. She envisioned me taking women. She envisioned it as a seduction. "It's not like you think, Bella. My family – my coven, as we are technically – we're different. We don't drink from humans. We drink animal blood. And yes, I have my favourites and yes, they all die."

I could hear her heart racing. "Different from the others? There's others?"

I nodded. "Not around here, but yes. They are out there. That's why we've had to lie. My family… they love you, they trust you… we know you wouldn't expose us. But the others… Bella, there are rules we have to abide, even though we're monsters. No human can know of our existence."

"But now I do…"

She was seeing the full picture now; understanding the lies. She didn't quite know what it all meant for us, but she was flooding me with an intense love for me sharing this with her. I wanted at least one day of this before I told her the rest. One day of knowing and experiencing an open and honest love with this incredible person. Though I knew I didn't deserve her, it felt right.

_Everytime I see your face  
Everytime you look my way  
It's like it all falls into place  
Everything feels right (Everything feels right)  
Everytime I hear your name  
Everytime I feel the same  
It's like it all falls into place  
Everything feels right…_

_(Simple Plan)_


	35. Chapter 35 What I've Done

_**What I've Done**_

_Put to rest  
What you thought of me  
While I clean this slate  
With the hands of uncertainty…_

"These other…" Bella stopped herself. "They're not like you, are they."

"You have to get used to it Bella. We're vampires. Use the word here, now – while you can. Once we go home, you can never say a word to anyone about what you know."

"I won't!" Her eyes grew wide and she grasped my hand. "Edward, you can trust me with anything."

Smiling warmly at her, I pulled her hand up to kiss it. "I know that. As for the other _vampires, _the ones not in our coven or the Denali coven in Alaska…"

Her hand flew up to her mouth. "Them too?"

"Yes. But the others are nothing like us. Nothing. They are killers, flat out. They would never understand this relationship we've had. Bella, this is deadly serious – you have to know that no human can know about our existence. We are sworn to keep that from any and all."

"And if they find out I know?"

"They'll… you… " I looked away in shame. "You won't be a problem to my kind. They'll make damn sure of that."

"They'd kill me?"

"Or worse." I stared into her eyes. "Bella, there's no way to make this sound like it's not so bad. If we're discovered, the Volturi – those are our governors – they'll do one of three things… kill both of us, kill you and my family to teach me a lesson, or they'll take you themselves. End of story."

"I thought you couldn't die!"

"Not by human hands, or weapons, no. Vampires can, however, and do… kill other vampires."

"But how?" She was astonished by this bit of information. "If they're so fucking set on protecting themselves, how could they kill their own kind?"

"Because vampires are cold, heartless monsters with no morals and no remorse. Vampires live for one thing and one thing only; themselves. They are selfish and cruel and greedy beyond belief."

"Edward! You're not any of that!"

"Aren't I? I wanted you, Bella. More than any vampire desires blood, I desired you. And now, I have you. I've effectively ended the life you knew and you don't call that cruel and selfish? And greedy! I had you… I could've left you alone, without knowing the truth but I wanted more. And so, here we are."

Her lip quivered as she looked away from my gaze. "I'm just as greedy because I still want you. Even though I know … your truth… I still want you, Iceman." Her arms enveloped my waist and she held onto me for dear life. "I still want you."

I loosened her grip on me enough to bend and scoop her up into my arms. Kissing her lips softly at first, my hunger grew and our kiss deepened. Her arms went around my shoulders and her fingers grasped at my hair, returning my kiss with the lost months' passion. I carried her into the bedroom, our lips never parting, and laid her down. A soft moan escaped her as I ended our kiss.

"Do you feel that?" I asked against her cheek.

"Hmm-nn-huh? Feel what? What am I feeling for?"

I stroked her cheek. "The effects of my venom."

She sat up a little. "No. I feel the effects of your kiss. Like always."

"Venom, Bella. It's a tool. It's alluring to our prey, makes them give into us. We would take and kill whatever we wanted anyway, but it's more appealing if they don't fight it. You've never fought it."

"Because I want _you_."

"You should have – the first time. But you were used to my touch, the coldness of my skin. I was amazed that you never reacted. Never. Why? What made you look past my obvious differences and begin to love me? What made you stay when more and more odd behaviour came through? And you never told your mother about that night together; the night I almost killed you. Why?"

"Because I only see _you_, Edward. And I love_ you_. I didn't tell my mother because that was something intimate, only for us. That was the first time I'd ever been made love to during sex, if that makes sense. Regardless of what you thought you were capable of… what the… the vampire in you wanted to do – you made love to me. If I told Renee, she'd think it was like the others and it wasn't. It was nothing like them. You're different, not only because of what you are, but because you love me like no one ever has. That's why. That's how."

I stared at her with an intensity that would make anyone else freak out. She stared back; with warmth and love. "Bella, you need to know everything before you can pledge your love to me this way. You only know part of me. The part I wanted you to see."

"Tell me then. I can hear anything you have to say. I'm ready for it."

I moved away from her, as I was certain she wouldn't want me near soon enough. "My venom… it's my lifeline, so to speak. It acts as the blood it replaced in my body – but, like blood; it needs nourishment. It needs to be fed. Blood is the only thing that feeds the venom."

"And if you don't feed the venom…?"

"The thirst takes control and the beast in me will take whatever comes by. Believe me, I've tried to go without. It's pointless. And the thirstier I am, the more my vampire ways take command… I'm more likely to slip."

"Slip?"

I took a deep, unnecessary breath. "My family has pact with ourselves, to never feed on humans. When the thirst is controlling us, there have been times when a few of us have slipped and broken that pact."

Her eyes flashed away and back, very quickly. She knew I had been one of the few. "When?" she asked softly. "Was it when you rebelled?"

I nodded, now wishing like hell that I had put this in my story. It would be much easier to tell is as a character than to make a full confession of my sins openly this way. "There was a girl; a neighbour… we went to the same school…"

"You liked her."

"No. I _desired_ her. Different things altogether. She made the mistake of smiling at me across the fence one day when I was underfed and lacked willpower. Bella, this is the other function of my venom… it attracts prey and traps them. As we are practiced liars and con artists, we can pour on the charm towards unsuspecting humans. Once close, the scent of our venom lures them. They're attracted, like bees to pollen. Once they taste it, they lose all of their own sense… they don't know to run, they don't know to scream bloody murder… and they don't know that none of that would do a damned thing anyway. There is no human who could fight off any vampire who's determined to taste them."

"You tasted her," Bella stated in a whisper. She envisioned our love-making.

"No… no. She got frightened off. She was smarter than she appeared and something registered with her that I was not right. She got away – at that point. And then she avoided me. This angered me. She was the only girl who didn't speak about me with the others in a mean way. And she had smiled at me. Once. Now she was just like the others; worse, because I had that desire for her." I stopped my speech and sat upright so I wouldn't see her face.

"There was a school trip. A nature trip. We Cullens didn't go, of course, but I sought their camp out and when she left her tent in the middle of the night… alone… I was waiting for her. She was my first human prey. I followed her, snuck up on her, intending to get my first taste. She fled but stumbled over a fallen branch. Her head struck a rock. There was blood… the scent drove me into a frenzy and instinct took over. I drank from her and then I panicked. I couldn't be discovered… so I finished… her blood. I made it look like she had fallen into a nearby lake. My family moved before the body was discovered. Carlisle had been offered a wonderful position in the mountains so… No one questioned the move. No one considered me a suspect. Besides, I hadn't even been on the trip. I was at home, ill."

I waited for a response; a reaction of any sort, but nothing came.

"Initially, I was repulsed by the entire event. I hated myself for giving in, for disappointing my family, for killing an innocent human… but I had the taste and thereafter, human scents were more appealing to me. I found it harder and harder to deny my cravings. Emmett prevented my second attack on an innocent and we moved again. She had touched me and screamed in horror. She would tell. So we disappeared. And then _I_ disappeared. I couldn't cope with any of it and I needed to be as far away from those I loved so as not to hurt them when I caved completely."

"Where did you go?" she asked in a whisper.

"Everywhere. Nowhere. I wandered, never staying in any one place more than a day or two. It was my first conscious attempt at starving myself. I thought if I didn't have any blood at all, I would either cure myself of the craving, or die. Neither is true. The craving increases and well… I can't fucking die." The familiar lump formed in my throat and I had to break until it eased.

"I don't even know where I was when my thirst became intolerable. But I found myself on a dimly-lit street, following a woman as she quickly raced up the sidewalk. Her shoes made a rapid clicking sound. The chain on her bag jingled. Her breathing was rapid and loud. She was frightened. It made her blood flow. It made me unable to resist it. She didn't even hear me come up behind her. She didn't sense me as she turned into an alleyway and stood under a lamppost. She was digging in her bag, I assume for keys or a weapon of some sort. She was very frightened. I waited in a darkened doorway; all human morals, thoughts, feelings – gone. I was a vampire, revelling in the hunt. Another dark figure appeared at the opposite end of the alleyway and he called out to her. She screamed, but no one heard. He outran her and tackled her to the ground. Lifting her skirt with one hand, and ripping open her blouse with the other, it was evident what he had in mind. She screamed on and on. A tortured, pleading wail and no one heard."

Another break for the lump to clear. I felt Bella's hand pass over my back and squeeze my shoulder. I sucked in a breath as she hugged me from behind and placed a very soft kiss on my neck.

"In my mind, she was Rosalie. This woman, begging for help. Even though I had been her intended attacker, watching it mortified me. Disgusted me. _Angered_ me. My rage has always been the most difficult thing to overcome. I realize now that it is even stronger than my thirst. I no longer desired the woman's blood. I wanted revenge for her. For Rosalie. I flew out of my hiding place and ripped him off of her, yelling for her to run. She did. One shoe had fallen off and I still hear the uneven clicking of her running away. By the time she reached the end of the alleyway, I had snapped his neck. He was dead when she turned to look back. She held a hand over her heart and kissed her fingers before waving to me. And then I drank."

"You saved her."

"I _killed_ him."

"Was his life more important than hers?" she asked gently. "She thanked you. You did the right thing."

"Did I? I took one life over another. I'm no hero, Bella. Simply a monster in the right place at the wrong time. That woman would have died if she hadn't been attacked by that man… by _my_ hand."

"But you didn't. You stopped, Edward. Even then, you stopped in time."

"That wasn't the end of it. The feeding quenched my thirst, but not my rage. It wasn't enough to clear out the images Rosalie had given me. I _knew_ her anguish… and that of every woman who was ever touched in a way they didn't want. It infuriated me and I sought out rapists and the like to avenge those women. Don't say I was saving them… I am NOT a hero! I had no right to be their judge… to determine and act out their fate. Don't tell me I did the right thing. I killed people… there's no going back after that. There's no way to erase it or appeal it. I sealed my own fate in killing them."

"Baby… oh, don't… Edward, you _are_ good… I've seen it. You didn't choose to be what you are, but you've made the best of it, however you can. You have done your time… and you need to forgive yourself. I forgive you, Edward. I forgive you. "

I closed my eyes as she comforted me. My Bella. I had told her the worst and she still stood by me. Still saw only good in me. There should never be blackness for my angelic Bella. Her soul was pure whereas mine was gone. No matter what she decided, her fate would be filled with the happiness she deserved.

I laid with Bella while she finally gave in to sleep and when she woke, her first thoughts were filled with vampire wonder. I readied myself for another session of Vamp 101: Preparedness.

"It's not like you think it is," I murmured to her.

Her head snapped around. "What do I think?"

"The killings. The change. You're romanticizing it. The girl… it started as a sexual thing, and I was aroused while I drank, but I didn't have sex with her. I didn't murmur sweet nothings and take her life as she came. And the men, I killed even before I fed. So you can forget the image you have of me swooping in, making love to you and making you mine for eternity."

'_What the fuck? How did he know?' _She stared at me incredulously.

What the fuck, indeed. Of all the things… _THIS_ would be the thing that freaked her out? Seriously?

"I just know," I replied to her silent question.

'_What? How… What the FUCK! He's always done this to me… it's like he KNOWS what I'm… holy fuck…' _"Holy fuck! Edward! Do you…"

"Yes. I know what you're thinking."

'_Oh my fucking god. Oh shit… what have I… SHIT!' _"You read my fucking MIND? Are you kidding me? Does your whole family?"

"No. Just me. And not everything. If I try really hard, I can block you out. And you're quite effective with blocking a lot of shit from me; even stuff I want to know. I'm sorry… it's another thing with the vampire shit… I can't stop it. I don't want it but I can't make it go away. I'm really sorry."

'_So I don't even have to speak to you.'_

"I'd prefer if you did. I love the sound of your voice. And it's unfair to the others who can't read you. I know it drives Jasper nuts when I have one-sided conversations. He's the most vocal about it."

"Jesus Christ Edward! That's really intrusive! I mean, it's worse than me reading your journals!"

"I know. But as I said, it's not a choice. You _chose_ to read my very personal musings," I teased. "Besides, you don't have any thoughts to hide, whereas I have a lifetime of lies to cover up. Why do you think I know I can trust you with this? I know your mind as well as your heart, Bella. Both have made me fall deeply, irrevocably… in love with you."

"Iceman…" She snuggled against me, kissing my chest.

"I've needed to know what your thoughts were these past few days, but I will try my very best from now on to give you privacy, okay?"

'_Thank you… you're my whole world…'_

"And you, mine."

"You said you'd stop!" She glared at me playfully.

"I said I'd _try!"_

An unexpected storm moved in late in the afternoon so I took advantage of the darkened sky and the privacy to give Bella a demonstration. Alone in the park, I approached a climbing structure. One of the bars had been badly dented. I straightened it with one hand. Bella raised an eyebrow, interested, but not impressed. Darting to the tree she stood under, I swiftly climbed the wet trunk and broke off a branch. I then tossed it away from where she stood and jumped down.

"It's not deadwood. It's not rotted and soft. Go see for yourself."

She approached the branch at its thinner end and tried to break it. She failed. Working towards her, from the thicker end, I broke it easily in foot long pieces.

"Handy for gathering firewood," she smirked.

"Also handy for snapping a neck or a spine, a limb… Another vampire wouldn't waste his strength on a tree, Bella."

"That's why I'm with _this_ vampire."

Not amused by her smug grin, I offered her a sharp piece of glass that I found by the garbage can. "Try to hurt me."

"No way…"

"Just do it. Cut me. Stab me."

"Edward! I… I can't!"

Holding her wrist, I forced the glass into her hand and then drew it across my other arm. The skin opened up, venom oozed out; dripped down and fell to the ground. Her eyes widened as she registered that my veins truly did carry venom and not blood. She needed the visual proof. They widened even more and she grinned as she watched the wound closing itself and healing before our eyes.

"What else can you do?" There was excitement on her face, in her voice. She was enthralled with the demonstration.

I disappeared from her sight and then re-appeared silently behind her. She jumped when I whispered her name into her ear.

"You can vanish?" This seemed to impress her to.

"No. I'm simply that fast." I moved again to demonstrate as she watched closely. "This is why you could never escape me. No human could outrun me or any other vampire. Do you understand what you're dealing with now?"

Nodding, she finally had a touch of apprehension. "Edward… what are we going to do? If I can't know, but I do… and I can't escape the others…"

I approached her, gently taking her into my arms as she shivered in the rain. "Let's go back to the room. We'll talk some more. I'll explain our options."

She sat next to me, her legs curled up under herself so she could be near me, but see me as well. She was anxious to hear what our future could hold.

"This is entirely your decision, Bella. Whatever you choose, I'll go along with. None of us were given the choice, but it's yours to make."

She gave me a soft kiss on the cheek, appreciating that she was finally in control. "Go on."

"Option 1: You can leave. Or tell me to. I trust you not to tell our secret, you can carry on and forget you ever knew us or knew _of_ me."

"Scrap that one. It sucks."

"A vampire joke?" I cocked an eyebrow and grinned. "Really Bella? You and Emmett will have so much fun together. He loves cracking on vampires."

"See? I'm suited to be in your life. I fit into your family, so clearly Option 1 is out. Next?"

"We could run. You and I on our own."

"Better… more details please."

"We'd have to keep moving and avoid drawing attention to ourselves. If the Volturi get word that I'm travelling with a human, they'll track us."

"So we keep moving, like you said."

I shook my head. "You don't understand. I'm not the only one with special abilities. There are some who's ability is to locate others of our kind. The Volturi use them as trackers. They _will_ find us."

"And then…?"

"Like I told you earlier, they'll correct my mistake."

"By eliminating me from your life, etc."

"Exactly. So we'd have to be vigilant in staying discreet. Fly under the radar. Even then, there's no guarantee that they wouldn't seek us out. My family draws their attention simply because we choose to live differently. They do random checks on us to see how large our coven is – they don't understand our ways. It makes them paranoid. They suspect we're planning to overtake their reign."

"When you just want to be left on your own," she said with gentle understanding.

"Yes." I smiled warmly back at her. "I'd be very happy to live my life alone with you without their interference."

"Is there another option? One that would be safer for all of us? I don't want your family in danger because of me. Lying vampires or not, they've been awesome to me and I really care about them."

"That's our last option… joining our coven."

I had dread and hope intertwined in this option. The thought of condemning myself further by taking another human life… worse, making her a freak of nature, as I was… was not something I relished partaking in. There was enough blood on my hands; on my conscience. The fact that I loved this human more than I ever dreamed possible made that even worse. I'd have no chance for redemption, though it was slim even now, if I took her human life away. I should love her enough to not make her suffer as the rest of my family did.

The selfish nature of my immortal self, however, dreamed of living eternity with the kind of love, passion and devotion we felt for each other. She said she was happiest when we were together. Would making her happy for eternity be my saving grace? I would live every day doing anything that pleased her. I would love her; cherish her… every second of every day. By far, a better choice than Option 1, but more damning.

In the end, it wouldn't be my doing. It was up to Bella to decide her fate. She forgave me the sins I had committed through instinct. It was time to begin forgiving myself and doing everything I could to make Bella's life what she wanted. Bella = my life. And another new beginning.

_For what I've done  
I start again  
And whatever pain may come  
Today this ends  
I'm forgiving what I've done…_

_(Linkin Park)_


	36. Chapter 36 Famous Last Words

_**Famous Last Words**_

_I see you lying next to me  
With words I thought I'd never speak  
Awake and unafraid  
Asleep or dead…_

"Your coven… You want me in your coven?"

"I want you in my life," I replied simply. I wanted the decision to be hers, and hers alone. No persuasion from me.

"How would they feel about that? Would your family want me to join?"

I smiled crookedly at her. "You don't have to worry for a second about that. They love you, Bella. Move on to want _you_ want."

She chewed on her lip, and then a fingernail, then back to her lip. "How would that work? I mean, tell me what's involved in becoming one of you."

Thrilled that she was not only considering being with me for eternity, but thinking through the logistics this way, I took her hand and placed a gentle kiss on her palm. "Changing a human is similar to feeding from them." I spoke slowly, in a hushed voice. "You'd be bitten…"

"When do your fangs come out?" she interrupted.

I held back my laugh, instead tilting my head to lean in for a kiss. "We don't have fangs, my love. Our teeth are razor sharp, all the time. You wouldn't have marks like a snakebite, that's a myth from fictional accounts of my kind. A vampire bite leaves a crescent mark…can I show you?"

She stared at me wide-eyed and nodded.

Lifting her palm to my mouth, I kissed it first, and then applying the very least amount of pressure, I pressed my teeth into the fleshy mound by her thumb. Her heart was racing as I kissed it softly again. The impression was there, but I hadn't broken the skin. It would fade and disappear shortly.

"Like that," I whispered. "Only your skin would be pierced. Once there's an open wound and the blood can flow, we then drink to increase the flow of your blood as well as our own venom. There must be a heavier venom flow to fully penetrate your bloodstream. In my case, that wouldn't be an issue because you increase my venom even without feeding on you." Smiling, I caressed her thumb and wrist. "It's a very intricate mix of give and take…if there's not enough blood taken from you, the venom won't take over in your bloodstream and create the change. If too much is taken, you die before the venom can alter you."

"And it hurts, either way, right?"

I nodded.

"What's worse, the bite or the period after?"

"I… It's hard to say, Bella. I think it would be different for you, knowing. None of us knew what was happening as we were changed. The fear mutes the initial pain somewhat, I think. I remember being more scared than anything, until the venom took over and then… it fucking hurts, Bella. There's no way around it, whether you know to expect it or not, it's painful."

"So we would wait until your family could be around to help with those adjustment days, right? You couldn't do it here and then take me home… or could you do it all yourself? Just bring me back changed?"

"Bella, no… I can't do it myself anywhere. We'd have Carlisle change you." She grimaced. She was still thinking of it as an intimate act. Cupping her face, I stared into her eyes. "Honey, it's not like you think. It's very clinical. I would be there with you, but I can't change you myself."

"Why?" she asked softly, her eyes pleading. "I'd want you to do it."

"I've never changed anyone, Bella. I don't know that I could and you're not going to be an experiment for me. I won't risk your life."

"Why can Carlisle do it, but not you? I don't understand."

I sighed heavily. "Carlisle doesn't want you like I do. You have no idea how appealing you are to me. Not just physically, emotionally… as a boyfriend. You asked if we have favourites, right? Well, _you're_ mine. Your scent, your taste… you attract me more than anything else alive. If I tasted your blood, I would lose it. I told you it's a very precise distribution of blood removal and venom replacement. I would fuck that up. When I'm feeding, I'm not myself. I _am_ a vampire. Instinct takes over completely and I wouldn't have control over what I take from you. Do you understand?"

"You'd stop in time. I know it."

"You have far more faith in me than I do, my love. Option 3 is Carlisle changing you. Period." I hated putting that stipulation down. I wanted more than anything to let her decide our fate entirely, but if it meant taking a risk like that, I couldn't. "Think everything over very carefully Bella. There's no turning back once a decision has been made. Do you have any more questions?"

She sat silently for several moments. "What do you want?"

"It doesn't matter," I replied flatly.

"It does though… tell me. Please?"

"I want you to grow old, Bella. I want you to live your life, happily, and grow old and find peace at the end. See your loved ones on the other side."

"But you can't age with me."

"No."

"People would question that…"

"Yes. We couldn't have a public relationship after a period of time. Alone… I'd still be me and you'd be you."

"And a 17 year-old would want a 60 year-old in the sack, right?" she snorted. "Oh! I'm assuming… I should ask… if I go with Option 2, would that involve a physical relationship? Could we have sex?"

"Ummm…" I scratched my chin, pretending to really give that thought, just to tease her. I had enough confidence in myself now to be able to handle sex with her, in the right situation. "Maybe. Very carefully."

"And Option 3… sex?"

"Definitely. But not for a while."

She frowned at me. "You won't want me when I'm first…"

"We call new vampires 'newborns'. When you're a newborn, thirst is the only thing you think of. Your thirst would drive you to do whatever you have to in order to feed. And it never seems like it's enough. You won't want _me_ when you're a newborn."

"I'd change _that_ much? I can't imagine ever _not_ wanting you. The thing I worry about is you losing interest in me and then I'm stuck for eternity lusting after you. Could that happen?"

I chuckled and placed my forehead against hers. "I'm a fiercely loyal vampire, Bella. I will love you, and want you, just as I do now - for eternity."

I kissed her, softly, then with more passion as her hands wove into my hair. I sucked on her lips and tongue when she offered it. My hands moved over her body, pressing her against me as our kisses intensified.

"I will want you like this, for eternity," I whispered against her throat before I nipped and tugged on her earlobe.

'_Fuck yeah…' _"Option 3," she panted. "I want Option 3. I want to feel like this for eternity, Iceman."

Had I used my vampire persuasion to make her choose eternity with me? Perhaps I had, subconsciously. As much as I desired her warmth and the sensation of sliding any part of my icy body into her warm, wet folds, I longed for a lifetime of fucking her without fear; making love to her without injuring her. And I longed to dip inside her either way… soon. Very soon.

* * *

I convinced her to go have a long soak in a warm tub to make her more sleepy. She was wired from all the caffeine she had poured into herself and excitable from finally knowing all my secrets. I didn't have to worry about giving her privacy with her thoughts, I didn't have a chance to read her at all; she talked on, endlessly. Even when she got in the bath, she asked me to come in and sit with her. I politely declined thinking it wouldn't take much for me to just jump right in with her and I felt like we should work back up to having sex. I had been gone for months… I had to rebuild my control and I didn't want to seem like I was using her.

I was laying on the bed, writing in my journal when she came out. Her hair hung loosely down her back, dripping wet. She wore black yoga pants and one of my white t-shirts. My senses went into overdrive… her scent, her damp nipples poking at the fabric of my thin shirt, oh fuck… her ass as she bent over to find her hairbrush in her bag. She turned slightly to take a look at what I was doing as she dug further into her bag. The light caught her just right, giving me a silhouetted view of her perfect boobs. Oh. Fuck.

"Jesus Iceman! You'd better let that thing out or you'll hurt yourself. What are you reading that's got you so worked up?"

Okay, so she'd noticed my boner. I hadn't had a chance to try to conceal it; it had literally come out of nowhere. "I was writing. But now, looking." This had been a day of complete honesty, why spoil it now. "I really want you."

She licked her lips as she stood fully erect. My forthwith statement had stunned her and she was suddenly shy.

"I'll go in the other room." I quickly got up and gathered my pen and journal.

"You don't have to," she replied softly.

"No… I do. If I stay, I'll… Bella, I _really_ fucking want you." Unable to take the pressure against my strained zipper, I reached in and moved it to one side. At least it felt a little better. I considered bolting for the bathroom and relieving it right then so I wouldn't act out.

"I like this new Edward," she smiled at me. "The one who can tell me what he's feeling without hesitation. But why do you want to leave so badly?"

I blew out a breath of frustration, digging at my crotch again. "Because I really have to do something about this…"

She nodded her understanding and approached me slowly. "Are you thirsty too?"

I shook my head quickly. "No. Just horny." A nervous laugh escaped me. "Just 17."

Her hair had shifted and left wet drips down the front of the shirt. Her boobs seemed to scream out to me as I licked my lips. My eyes were locked on them. My hand moved back to my wood, trying to let it know I'd take care of it soon… behave. Bella stood inches from me now, it seemed to know her proximity and jumped. I sucked in a quick breath.

"You're uncomfortable," she commented. I could feel her breath on me, she was so near. "I can help you."

"Is that what _you_ want, Bella? Do you want to do this now… so soon? I can easily go off and… and then I'll be fine. We can talk some more. I'll sing you to sleep."

Her arms went around my shoulders and she stood on her toes, placing very soft kisses along my jaw. "I want you too." Her voice was husky with desire, but gentle as her hands slid down my chest. She locked her eyes on mine as she undid my pants. She just pushed them open for me, not touching me until I gave her the go ahead. That came as a full, open-mouthed kiss as I picked her up. With my hands full of her ass cheeks, she wrapped her legs around my waist and hungrily returned my kiss.

"You're okay?" Her eyes were full of concern and lust when I backed up and sat on the edge of the bed, with Bella still wrapped around me.

I nodded, breathless.

Without hesitation, both of her hands were at my open fly, one tugging aside the material and the other digging out my boner. Remembering my 'thing', the first thing she did was rub her thumb across the tip, spreading my venom around the head as she circled it. Taking more as it flowed, she rubbed it down the shaft before beginning to stroke it. She repeated that routine, again and again, driving me crazy with desire as I nuzzled against her neck.

Suddenly she released it, and took hold of my face, staring into my eyes. Then she kissed me and dismounted. Oh… goddamn… she was on her knees in front of me, the venom oozing and her spreading it around. I moaned out loud when her tongue flicked against the tip. Her eyes flashed up at me, watching my reaction as she covered it with her mouth.

"Ohhh… oh _fuck_!" I cried out, leaning back on my elbows as the warmth of her mouth overwhelmed me.

My obvious enjoyment excited her as well, and she eagerly bobbed up and down, tugging on the shaft as she did so, little moans escaping from her as well. She'd stop now and then and coax more venom out, using her tiny fingers to circle the head. Oh jesus… She knew exactly what to do for me and when. I sat back up to watch her in action. She looked so hot, staring up at me as she sucked me into her sweet mouth. I stroked her head lovingly and thought of the zillion ways I wanted to get her off for doing this for me.

She moaned as a larger amount of pre-come oozed from me and licked up and down, making me shiver. "Oh fuck… Bella… "I moaned in return as more and more flowed out. She happily spread that around and used it to pump me.

"Who needs lube? You've got your own endless supply," she teased as she tugged and licked. "This is awesome…" Her words were cut off as she took as much of me in as she could.

I could feel the steady flow of venom building and building and I pulled her away as I erupted.

"Why did you do that?" She was pouting as she stood and stepped between my legs. "I love how you taste too, you know."

"Honey… it's _venom._ You're taking too much."

"Does it hurt you?"

She completely misunderstood. "No Bella. I have an endless supply, trust me. It's you I'm concerned for. I know that kissing you is safe, but I don't know how much more venom you can ingest. Go easy." I smiled warmly at her to let her know I wasn't upset, merely concerned. "That was awesome, by the way. You have skills. Great fucking skills."

She giggled as she mounted me again. "Are you okay to go for more? Or should we leave it at that for today?"

I narrowed my eyes and gave her a crooked grin. "Have I ever taken anything from you and not given something to you in return? Tell me what you want."

"Really? I can have whatever I want from you?"

"Anything."

She grabbed the edge of her t-shirt and pulled it over her head as she swung off me. Her pants were removed just as quickly and she knelt beside me on the bed, totally naked. Pushing on my shoulders, she forced me to lay back and kissed up and down my torso. I could feel her breasts brushing against me, arousing me to no end. When my new arousal began to show, she quickly repeated the first act until I was game ready once more. This time, when my flow increased, instead of licking it up, she spread it all out and straddled me. She rubbed herself against it until her juices, combined with my venom had us as slick as a waterpark ride.

Overzealous, she mounted me in one swift movement and froze. It hurt. She wasn't ready. But she wanted it… her thoughts came to me openly. She wanted me to understand; needed me to find a way around it. I pulled her up, sliding myself out with a loud release noise. I held her face and kissed her gently.

"Step by step, my love. You need to get used to my body again."

She shook her head, tears forming in her eyes. "I want you… so bad… We… we can try again. More slowly?"

I nodded and rolled us over so she was laid out this time. My lips and tongue covered every inch of her hot skin. She shivered from my touch, both icy and erotic. She was breathless with anticipation. She also had a hint of apprehension with her new awareness of me. That tore me between being proud that she was more cautious and being sad that she couldn't accept my loving as it was intended. I used softer touches and extra slow kisses to soothe her concerns. This seemed to heat her up as much as my rabid love-making in the cottage. She was soon writhing against my throbbing cock, begging in whispered moans to fuck her.

"Wait…" I held her still for a moment before giving her a light kiss on the forehead and getting up. As an afterthought, I leaned back over and sucked in a nipple. I gave it a gentle tug between my lips as I let go. "Be right back."

"Tease!" she called after me with a giggle.

She was wrapped in a blanket when I returned, but spread it open and held her arms out to me to re-join her. I took her hand and pulled her towards me so I could scoop her up. I carried her as I had that day she'd run into the back of me, breaking her nose. The day I discovered I could not only covet, but nurture and sincerely care about a human. We kissed softly as I carried her this time, and I set her down at the edge of the sunken tub.

"I have an idea. This is warmer. It may make it easier for you."

She smiled as she stepped into the warm bathwater and held my hand as I followed. I laid back against the side and floated above me, our kisses heating things up further. This time when she slid me inside, she did so slowly, adjusting to the hardness more than the cold. I held onto her hips, guiding her and keeping her steady since she was also working against the water resistance.

"Iceman," she moaned into my mouth. "You feel so amazing inside. You can't imagine…"

"Pfft! You can't imagine how amazing it feels to _be_ inside!" I chuckled.

"Okay, so we're fuck hot together, right?" she laughed as she picked up the pace.

She held onto my shoulders to help with her balance. She was doing a fantastic job, however she managed to move. I was grateful for the water as well, not just to relieve some of her discomfort, but to help wash away my venom that was coming in a steady stream. It was telling me it was time to come, but I ignored it. It would be greedy to have 2 orgasms before she came once. But what was keeping her? I usually got her off easily.

As my thoughts drifted, wondering what it was keeping her restrained, she began letting out those moans that I had adored and missed so much. She was very close. I could hold off. I moved more steadily when she found the perfect spot and she pounded herself up and down, moaning and clutching at my shoulders.

"God, Bella… you're so fucking hot… come for me…" I murmured, ready to explode.

She came instantly, whimpering through my words as I talked her through it. When her spasms subsided, she showed no sign of intending to get off me, so I had to pull her off. It only took a few tugs for me to come myself, but she looked disappointed.

"Don't pout, my love. I'm not done with you yet," I purred and grabbed her in my arms. After a heated kiss, I sat her up on the edge of the tub. I reached for a towel to throw over her shoulders as she shivered. Then I took my position between her legs and got lost in her sweet taste and scent. She came for me twice that way and when I was ready for another, she pulled me up on my knees and guided me in. I took it slow, inch by inch as she had, stopping every few for a deep kiss and grind rather than a push. When she took all of me in, she stopped to grind with me fully inserted. This new angle suited her extremely well and she had her most intense orgasm yet. She cried out loudly as she came, her legs kicking wildly in the water.

"Jesus Edward! Fuck me… just like that… oh my god, I love you so fucking much!"

So I did as she wanted. My stamina was amazing, having just gotten off twice. I felt I could do this, and this alone, for eternity. She may regret it in the morning, she was going to be sore, for sure, but she was having the time of her life and I wasn't about to take away one second of it. My fate was sealed. I was destined to love this girl for eternity. And if she decided to love me the same way, I would take it. I could actually envision it, our life together, for the first time. It felt incredible.

_I am not afraid to keep on living  
I am not afraid to walk this world alone  
Honey if you stay, I'll be forgiven  
Nothing you can say can stop me going home…_

_(My Chemical Romance)_


	37. Chapter 37 Old Enough

_**Old Enough**_

_You're too young to have it figured out  
You think you know what you're talking about  
You think it will all work itself out  
But we'll see__…_

We headed for home early the next evening, after stopping by Jake's to say goodbye and one last trip to Riley's grave. Instead of leaving flowers, Bella inserted guitar picks into the ground in the outline of a heart. I stood beside her as she hugged his stone.

"I love you so much Riley. I miss you every day. Thank you for being the best brother I could ever have wished for… for making me strong and proud. For teaching me how to love and be loved. Without that, I could never have found the love I have with Edward. I know you'd approve, Riley; of him, and my choice. I won't see you again, but you're in my heart forever." She kissed her fingertips and rubbed them on the top before taking my hand.

I pulled her close for a hug and she clung to me. Then she turned back to Riley. "Hey, I know you've probably found a dozen or so great girls up there to keep you from being lonely, but there's a couple you should look for. They'd make great surrogate parents." Looking at me with a grin, she elbowed me.

"Elizabeth and Edward Masen," I said, speaking their names for the first time in 9 decades. "They would love to meet you, Riley. They are awesome people. Tell them I sent you for them. Tell them… tell them, I'm… I'm finally happy."

It was Bella's turn to hold me. The flood of emotion almost knocked me down. I missed them more intensely than I had since those first days I was a newborn and I finally forgave them for letting Carlisle do this to me. It was only now that I realized I had blamed them; resented them for escaping their pain but leaving me to suffer even more. Had my mother not begged for me to be saved, I would never have known the kind of joy I felt when Bella held me. I hoped they saw my attempt at being a good man; the kind of man they raised me to be for 17 years. I prayed they saw my love for Bella and wished us well.

We drove in silence for the first several miles, both of us lost in our own thoughts and memories. Bella was the first to speak.

"When will we do it?"

She was referring to changing her. I had asked – pleaded – a dozen times for her to allow herself more time to think it through, but she was determined. "It would be better to wait… you'll have more options if you're older. I can pass for older, myself and we can be a newly married couple and have job options or at least go to university. Being stuck as a high school kid forever sucks, Bella. Believe me."

"Can we keep it from the others that long? I don't think that's wise. If we're going to do this, we should move on it. I can pretend to be older…can't I? Or do I really look like a high school kid?"

I smirked at her coyly. "Depends. When you're legs are wrapped around my head, you do seem more mature…"

She gave me a slap and then groaned in pain as she rubbed her hand. "You never told me how your family found Alice. Or Jasper. And where did Emmett come from?"

"Em… he was found one day while we were hunting. Rosalie came across him first. She actually chased off his would-be killer… a grizzly. He was hurt badly. He would have died out there. It was the scent of his blood that drew her to him, then when she saw him… Like I said, it was all over for her. She wanted him like nothing else and when Rose is determined, she gets what she wants."

"Except you…" she reminded me.

I winked at her. "Except me. So that's Emmett's story. He can tell you about the actual battle; he remembers it well and fondly retells it to whoever will listen. You'll get sick of hearing it, trust me. Alice and Jazz were different. They found us, actually."

"Carlisle didn't change them?"

I shook my head. "No. They had very different beginnings. They were true newborns, borne of vile vampires, not like Carlisle with morals and compassion. Maybe I should let them tell you their own stories." I smiled over at her gently.

"You don't want to scare me," she stated.

I paused to give that some thought. I didn't want her to be afraid of any of my family, but she did need to be weary until she was one of us. "I'll let them tell you about their lives before and how they became immortal, but I will tell you that they did live as the other vampires do. They did follow their instincts and they did prey on humans. They are the only ones who began that way. Emmett and I have had our… indiscretions… Rosalie and Esme have never tasted human blood. And Carlisle, only when he saved the three of us. But Alice and Jazz are newer to our lifestyle. Their instinct to desire human blood is stronger than the rest of us, but they are doing really well; Alice, especially."

"Is that why Jasper hangs back a lot? Seems so timid?"

I smiled and gave her hand a squeeze. "You can't possibly know how good it feels to be able to be honest with you. Jasper… he's my brother, I love him, I would trust him with my life, if I had one." I let out a chuckle, in a great mood. "But yours…? Here's the deal, 90% of the time, I have complete confidence in him, it's that other 10% that worries me."

"I spent quite a lot of time with him while you were gone, you know. He never once bit me… or even tried to!" She defended him in a joking way. "I like him. I think he's a really cool guy. A sweetheart."

"Agreed. 90% of the time…" I casted a warning look at her. "But he is a vampire. And vampires can't be trusted."

"I trust _you_."

"And has that been wise? Look where it's got you."

She smiled brightly at me. "Yeah, look where it's got me. Happy. Fulfilled. Completely in love with a great, gorgeous guy who would do anything for me. Trusting you is a horribly stupid thing for me to do. And anyway, if I can't trust you, how do I know you're even telling me the truth about Jasper? Maybe he's the most un-vampire of all of you!"

"Un-vampire?" I laughed.

"You know what I mean!" she huffed.

"Anyway… when you were with Jazz, Alice was there too, right?"

"Well… yeah. We're friends. That started through you, but it didn't end because of you. She hung out while Jazz tutored me."

I nodded. "You can trust Alice."

"But not you..." she teased.

"Alice _and_ me. I am in control. I love you too much to ever cause you any harm. And Alice is different."

"You're ALL different, Iceman. That's not a newsflash!" She giggled as she kicked off her shoes and put her feet up on the dashboard. "You're all freaks… well, except for Esme. She's such a sweetheart. And now that I know none of you eat, I feel like a total pig that she kept her fridge stocked just for me! She COOKED, Edward. For _me_!"

I chuckled. "Mm-hmm. That's Esme."

"I adore her. Carlisle's great too. I'm a little pissed at Alice though."

"For the lies?"

Bella nodded with her brow furrowed, her head down.

"She didn't want to. I would bet that she's already planning a sleep-over…"

"Where I'm the only one sleeping…" she interrupted.

"Well, yeah. But she'll chew your ear off before you conk out, telling you everything you ever wanted to know and a whole lot of shit you'll wish she'd kept to herself."

"Does she know that I know?" Bella's eyes were wide with excitement. "When did you talk to her?"

"I haven't… but she knows." Glancing over, I saw that she knew she was about to get another shocking piece of our lives. Her feet came down and she twisted her body to face me.

"You said you're the only one who reads minds."

"I am. Alice does something entirely different; she can see the future."

"Get the fuck _OUT_! No WAY! Oh man, that would be so cool… so she saw this?"

I shrugged. "Somewhat. Her visions aren't always clear and her interpretations can sometimes steer us in the wrong direction, but generally… she's usually right. She's seen a lot of what's happened with us, before it happened. She knew you were soul mate. She knew you could be trusted. She knew you'd… I've never felt desirable…lovable. Alice knew you would change that for me; that you wouldn't be put off by my freakishness." I chuckled to cover my embarrassment in admitting that to her.

"She saw us doing it? Oh god… I think that's worse than you reading my thoughts!" She buried her face in her hands. "So embarrassing. How can I face her now?"

"I do. You get used to it. I know every intimate detail of all of their sex lives, and I keep it to myself. Alice does the same… usually. But she does like to gloat. And she's really into 'girl talk'. I have to go far away when her and Rose get time alone together, all they do is talk about sex. And since they only have sex with their respective partners… I know my brothers intimately as well. It's pretty gross."

"Ugh! Can she see the past too? Does she know what I used to be like?"

"No, honey…don't worry about that. First off, unless you told her, she doesn't know. I didn't say anything and it has nothing to do with the future, so she wouldn't pick up on it. Listen, I didn't tell you this so you'd have an anxiety attack over my sister knowing we have sex."

"And _how_ we do it, and where and when…"

"Okay, move on Bella," I teased. "I told you because she sees Jasper more clearly than anyone. She knows exactly what he will do and so, when she says it's safe for you to be with him, you can trust her."

"But not Jazz."

I scratched at my head. The whole deal with Jasper was really complex. "Jazz has his own… um… special talent so only Alice really knows when he's fully trustworthy."

"Oh fuck. What can _he_ do? Mind control?"

"No! Just _mood _control…" I slipped in nonchalantly.

"Holy fuck. Okay Edward. Lay it out… what do each of you do that will, in essence, mean I never make another move without being self-conscious about it?"

"That's it, I swear."

"Emmett can't transform and Rose, teleport? Esme can't assume my identity? Carlisle can't… well, I guess his special talent is successfully changing humans into vampires. No big."

"No, Bella. I read thoughts, Alice sees the future, Jasper can control moods; no other surprises."

"Hmph. We'll see…"

"Trust me…" I said in a teasing tone. I was handed another slap and then she sat, quietly mulling over the newest information as she rubbed her sore hand. Eventually, she dozed.

* * *

An hour or so from home, I decided to pull over and have a quick hunt. Alice had texted me a warning that Phil was not pleased. If I didn't feed, my temper would get the better of me and I'd get rid of him for Renee and Bella – permanently.

When I returned, a cruiser was nose to nose with my car, lights flashing. What the fuck? I'd only been gone 10 or 15 minutes at the most! I ran up at human speed and put on my most innocent, confused human face. "Is there a problem officer?"

"This your car, son?"

"Yes sir. Here's my licence… registration… insurance…" I handed everything over politely.

He glanced over them and nodded. "Wait by my car please."

I stood facing Bella. She looked as bewildered as I had. As he ran my plates through his computer, I focused in and saw he was checking for stolen vehicles, as well as run-aways. _'Dr Cullen's kid… hmmm… explains the nice car. I'd heard those kids were a handful, but they haven't caused any trouble here…' _He stepped around the back of the car and leaned against it, arms folded across his chest. "What were you doing out there in the woods?"

"I uh…" I glanced over at Bella to make my embarrassment seem real. "I had to take a leak," I whispered.

"You were gone a while. I was here a good 5 minutes before you turned up."

"I went pretty far in. I didn't want her seeing… you know…"

"You think it's wise to leave a pretty young girl alone in the car at this time of the night?"

"No sir. That was reckless of me. I just… I really had to go."

He was buying it. Lucky I had spent so much time with a human to understand the urgency of that human act at times.

"Step over here with me. Let's have a chat." We walked to my car and he stopped beside Bella's open window. "Your parents know you're out here, miss? And who you're with?"

"Yeah! My mom's waiting for us. We're going home right now."

"We went to visit her brother, in Toronto."

His eyebrow raised. "Got his number?"

Lie Bella… start learning how to lie…

"Yeah, sure… um, give me a sec." She ran through her contacts and held it up for him to see. "Jake. He'll tell you all about our visit. Want my mom's number as well? I'm sure if you call my brother at this hour, he'll panic and call home too. That would freak her out even more than getting a call from the police."

Good girl! I smiled calmly at the officer as he turned back to me. "Take her straight home, you hear? And I don't want to catch you two out here again and son, don't leave this girl unattended like that - that's not how you treat a lady. Say hello to your dad for me." He tipped his hat, handed back our ID and waited for us to drive off.

"Bella! That was very quick thinking. Good for you!"

"Jake would've covered. No prob. He's cool like that."

"For such an honest person, you're a remarkable liar," I grinned at her. "Are you going to be okay doing a lot more of that?"

Smirking, she nodded as she gazed ahead. "It was kinda fun, actually."

"Hey, I have to ask you… do you still think you look old enough to pass for a young married woman? You do know that was all because he thought you were a runaway, getting yourself into a bad situation."

She poked her tongue out at me and sat in a huff.

"Yeah, that helps you seem much older. _Much_ more mature…" I teased. It was a concern for me though. I didn't want to be pulled over for eternity, by cops questioning my motives with this teenaged girl. Give us a few years Bella, I pleaded silently. Wait until you're really certain. And really ready to give up ever growing up entirely, aging, having a family of your own.

The lights were on in Phil's house and when we pulled into the driveway, Renee ran out on the porch. Bella was unbuckling and opening the door even as I was coming to a stop. She ran to her mom and they hugged like they hadn't seen each other in years, not the few days we'd been gone. I hung back, giving them their moment.

"Edward, come over here!" Renee called out, wiping at her tears of joy. She held an arm out for me to join their huddle. "Thanks for keeping my baby girl safe out there. And bringing her home."

"Mom…"

"I know. I know, you've grown up Isabella. You're a smart, beautiful young woman who makes sage decisions. I'm so sorry I tried to stop you from doing what you needed to do honey. You were right. This was right for you. Maybe one day, I'll get there too."

Bella nodded, stroking her mother's shoulder to console her. "You can do it, Mom. You need to be happy too…"

"You decided to haul your sorry ass home huh?" Phil barked out from the porch. "Couldn't hack it on your own? Or is the boyfriend sick of you again already?"

"Phil!" Renee called out in reprimand.

"I never intended to stay. I did just what I went for and came home. And Edward is not going anywhere." She looked at me adoringly and took my hand.

"Not if I have anything to say about it…"

"You DON'T!" Bella and Renee replied together. Good for them.

"In case you've both lost your crackers, this is the same kid who convinced her to go off her meds, isolated her, did god knows what to her and ran like a weasel. Now he comes back, runs her halfway across the province for a reunion boink and you thank him? What the hell is going through your head woman?"

'_Woman?'_

I held in a snicker as all three of us had the same thought. Was this guy for real? "I took Bella to pay her respects to her brother and visit her friend, that was my only motive for running her halfway across the province. But yes, while we were together, we did a lot of talking and we have reunited. I know I made a mistake. But I'm here now and I'll make it up to her."

"Did you sleep with him?" Phil completely ignored my statement and glowered down at Bella.

"None of your fucking business!"

"Bella…" I said gently and pulled her slightly to the side. "Take it easy. This won't help."

"Phil, that was completely out of line," Renee spoke for her daughter. "If Bella and Edward have decided to pursue this relationship and take it to the next level, then that is their decision…"

"What is with you Renee? We agreed her whorish behaviour would stop when we came to live here!"

"Bella is not a whore!" I hissed, seething and disgusted with him. "She's a warm, loving girl with a good head on her shoulders. She's real and honest and if the rest of us were half as honest, we'd acknowledge that we've all done things we're ashamed of! Don't paint her as something she's not because she was misguided. And don't _EVER_ speak about her that way again!"

Bella put both hands on my chest and pushed me back, walking with me. "Chill, Iceman. Your eyes…" she whispered as she gripped my shirt and held my gaze to calm me.

Alice had warned me… I hung my head and gripped her arms. "Sorry…"

Smirking, she gave me a wink before a deep, loving kiss. "Don't be. I love it. I love _you_."

"Get the hell off my property. And if I see you here again, I'm calling the cops." Phil acted out his bravado.

"For what?" Bella asked, amused. "For dating your girlfriend's almost legal daughter?"

"_Almost_ legal. You're not an adult yet."

"And I'm not your responsibility. I'm not your kid. I'm not your anything." Bella was getting worked up again.

"Mmm, I should go. My being here is making it harder on you." I held her close and spoke softly. "I'll come back when they're asleep."

"Promise?" she smiled up at me.

"I swear on Riley, Elizabeth and Edward Sr that I will be by your side tonight, and every night until your end of time. I love you Bella Swan. More than you'll ever know."

She sucked in a breath as I kissed her, sobs about to overtake her.

"Don't cry, Bella. It breaks my heart." I had my forehead pressed against hers, her face in my hands. "Please don't let him get to you. Focus on your mother. Get things right with her. You'll regret it if you don't."

"I don't want you to go Edward," she sobbed quietly.

"I won't be far away. And I'll be back for you. Call me, if you need to before then. I'm here baby. I'm here for you."

Renee stepped towards us tentatively. "I feel awful. He had no right treating you that way. Of course you're welcome here."

I smiled at her kindly. She was genuine in her approval. "I really should go. I haven't been home yet and I have a lot of apologizing to do. My mother's not very pleased with me right now."

"Aw, she'll forgive you sweetie. Moms are like that." She gave Bella a squeeze and left us to say goodnight.

* * *

My family, of course, had Alice to let them know I was coming. They were all assembled in the garage when I pulled in. Alice was the first to greet me with a running hug and squeal. Em was next – choke hold. Rose unattached us and gave my cheek a kiss. Jasper patted my back and winked, standing nearby thereafter. Esme shook her head, began to speak but stopped and squeezed the shit out of me. Then she let me have it. Even with Jazz moderating her temperament, she was livid. I could say nothing. She was right about all of it – I was selfish to take off. I was thoughtless to do so without telling her and saying goodbye. I was an ingrate because I should know… I _DID_ know that Esme would be torn apart by my actions, and Esme would never do anything to potentially hurt me. She had my best interests at heart; always.

Carlisle approached me with an understanding grin. He understood both of us… my need to escape and her sense of abandonment. "You know she'll get over this. She is glad you're home. We all are, son." He embraced me as he had thousands of times since we became father and son. "You know Esme is lost without you, Edward."

"Because he's her favourite…"Rosalie taunted, like she had a thousand times since joining us.

"This is not the time Rosalie," Carlisle admonished her without even glancing her way. Emmett took her arm and the four of them left us alone. "You, Edward, of all the kids, know how Esme holds every member of this family dear."

I nodded, eyes cast downward; too ashamed to look him in the eye. They had provided me with much more than I deserved and I had caused them anguish yet again. "I'll apologize. I'll make it up to her."

"You will," he nodded. "But you'll do more this time. You will ensure that you never hurt that woman this way again, Edward. We all have our sensitive areas and we all give allowances for them. I know you felt it necessary to leave in order to keep Bella safe; I'm assuming that you lost control? That you thought you would hurt her… I understand. This is your area; the one we all cater to for you…because we know you struggle with the morality of what we are. Esme's area is no less troublesome. Loss is a horrible thing to overcome. Some simply can't, son."

"I know that," I said in quiet acknowledgement. I had just been by Bella's side as she dealt with it.

Carlisle looked away for the first time. "Rosalie may not be entirely wrong," he stated solemnly. "In a way, you are her favourite. You were her first. In her heart, you replaced the child she lost in human life. When you're gone… she relives that."

"I'm sorry." The damned lump was so huge in my throat, my words were muffled. And he couldn't read my thoughts so I had to voice them. "I hate that I've hurt her in any way. You have to believe I would never do that intentionally. You have to know how much both of you… ALL of you, mean to me. I've hated myself for so long, but I only have love for this family."

"And, for this girl…"

I nodded. "Carlisle… she knows."

He arched one brow, but his thoughts didn't accuse me of betrayal; they didn't judge me. "So, Esme will have one more to love? Nice way to make up to her." He smiled sincerely and embraced me again.

"Carlisle, please forgive me… I'm truly sorry…"

"You're forgiven, son. You're forgiven."

I clung to him, reading everything that he gave me forgiveness for… big and small. All sense of time was lost to me as I loved him more for each pardon he granted me.

"I think you've done a lot of growing this past year," he said softly. "At the ripe age of 108, I think you're finally old enough to settle down."

We shared a good laugh before seeking out the others to tell them my news. Alice had kept it to herself, for once. Astonishing, because this was the biggest change to this coven in a long while. It would affect each of us, and as we all knew, there was no room for mistakes and no turning back.

_The only way you'll ever learn a thing  
Is to admit that you know absolutely nothing  
Oh nothing  
Think about this carefully  
You might not get another chance to speak freely  
Oh freely  
Maybe when you're old enough…_

_(The Raconteurs)_


	38. Chapter 38 Fast Fuse

_**Fast Fuse**_

_The vultures circle round  
They wait above the ground  
Oh how dare you  
Now it's time to address you  
I'm the reason you claim  
Shame, stalk my name  
See my fist chopping off your reign…_

The school year wound up quickly. We were both put on warnings about attendance and I had to complete a day's worth of tests for them to determine if I'd lose my credits for the semester since I'd been gone so long. Not an issue. All credits were issued and Bella's marks even improved, thanks to Jasper's tutoring.

We spent more time at my house than hers due to the tension Phil created. Things had been steadily deteriorating there and Renee had decided to call it quits, once the school year ended. There were discussions about Bella's fate as her mother planned to move to another city to stay with her sister. Bella wanted to finish high school here. She actually didn't care where she went to school. Classes were all the same and it wasn't a social thing for her. As long as we were together, that was all she cared about. And so, discussions ensued between Renee and Esme and Carlisle – she could stay with us and continue school, if that was agreeable for Renee.

She decided they would go to her sister's, have some separation to really think it through and talk it over before making a final decision. Bella went along, knowing that her own decision had already been made. A couple of months with her mother seemed like a reasonable exchange for eternity with me.

I, of course, went to Alaska for the summer with the rest of my family but the hours/days/weeks stretched out painfully for me as I longed to be with my Bella. Separation had not lessened our desire; we were in sync with our commitment to each other. The others missed her as well – it was much easier now that Bella was aware of our secret and so, they had each embraced her as a coven member, even while she was human. The separation was difficult for us all.

The Denali coven opened their home to us, as they always did and informed us we had just missed a random visit by members of the Volturi. So they were doing spot-checks, continuing to keep an eye on us as we lived out our refusal to be like them. It wasn't luck that had us arriving after the visit, it was planned that way by both parties. Alice had seen it, of course. And the Volturi knew that Alice would warn us. It was a game to them. It kept us on guard, which is what they wanted.

"Bella, I need you to be very aware of what's going on around you," I warned her over the phone. "I know you're perceptive; have you noticed anything odd, anyone unusual?"

"No… well my aunt, herself, is unusual," she laughed. "But otherwise, no. I've been keeping to myself anyway. I don't really go out much."

That made me sad and eased my worries at the same time. "You're unhappy."

"I miss you. That's all. I've never looked forward to a new school year so much. Edward…" She hesitated and I wished I could read her mind over the phone. "Hey, can you read my thoughts even when we aren't together?"

I laughed at the irony – it was as if she were reading mine. "No. I was just wishing I could. What is on your mind, Bella?"

"What happens if Renee doesn't let me stay with your family?"

"Then I get my way. We wait until you're older and have more options. Take the time to get what you want from your human life, Bella. I'll still be here."

"You're smirking, aren't you? Argh! I want to see you and that crooked grin. I need to feel your arms around me and hear you sing to me. This is the longest summer ever… I want it to be over."

"Bella, this is why I insist that you make the most out of your time with your family. I _will_ be here, loving you and waiting to love you even more when you join us, but remember what I said about carrying your human feelings into your immortal life. If you're full of unresolved feelings, you'll have that eternally. You, my love, should have an immortal life filled only with serenity and bliss. Find happiness, Bella. And then… then we'll make the change, no matter your age."

"Promise? 'Cause I'm fairly certain I will be ecstatic when we're reunited. That would be the perfect moment, right?" She was only partially teasing. That is what she foolishly wished for.

I had been struggling with the promise I'd made – to let her decide her fate, entirely. I knew she was happiest with me, I believed that in my heart. What neither of us knew, was if she could find even more happiness without me; if she could live a human life and be happy. I decided to go do some scouting, bringing Emmett along, as he and Rosalie had just returned from a 6 week honeymoon. He said he needed to get out and roam. I knew that meant neither of them had seen much of anything or anyone other than each other. Honeymoon sex – the greatest thing in life, according to Em – had finally subsided and he was bored.

"I thought you were letting Bella decide, and she chose to join us," Emmett stated as I rejected another location as a potential hiding spot.

"I did. She did. I'm just preparing in case we need another option. The Volturi lurking around is a worry for me."

He shrugged. "Change her now then. Done. No problems."

I arched an eyebrow at his simplicity. "You don't think Carlisle amassing an even larger coven is a problem for the Volturi?"

"Who gives a shit? We're not sinister. We have no evil designs to take over the world, or grand delusions of overtaking them. We just want to live our never-ending lives, man. That's all. Now that you've found your soul mate, Edward, you'll see what the rest of us have been trying to tell you. Immortality is not all that bad. Change her. And then you and she can visit all these places together, without worrying about hiding. And she won't give a shit if it's rainy or cold all the time. Humans like sun, if you've forgotten. These places you picked out are great for us, shitty for a human."

"Thanks for the encouragement," I quipped with a sarcastic edge. I froze on the spot when a voice invaded my thoughts. Someone nearby knew us, knew our names, and this someone was not in a mood for games.

Alice's text came instantly. _'They've found you. They're there. Don't go to Yukon, as you planned. They'll find you there as well. Avoid the far north, period. Stay away from polar bears.'_

"Polar bears?" Emmett spoke what I was thinking. "What the fuck is she on? Alice has mega skills; I believe in her, but sometimes the girl sounds like she's on crack. Why would you move Bella to a region with polar bears?"

Regardless of how insane Alice's predictions seemed, we paid attention. So when we stumbled upon another of our kind while hunting back in Alaska, we were not the least surprised. No polar bears; Demetri was enough.

"Demetri, always a pleasure," Carlisle stepped forward first and extended a hand to be courteous.

He simply nodded and folded his arms across his chest. "Your oldest has been doing a lot of travelling of late. The Volturi would like to know the reason for that."

Carlisle chuckled as I tensed up. They were here because of me. "Ah, Edward has always had a bit of wanderlust in him, you know that. He's back with us now, as you can see."

He nodded an affirmative. "Marcus is very interested in his travels, but alas, he's not well enough to travel himself. He sent Chelsea in his place."

Alice spoke in my head._ 'She's like Marcus. Only more dangerous. She sees bonds and can break them as well.'_

I merely raised an eyebrow, not even looking in Alice's direction. Chelsea's attention flew to me.

'_He's especially close with this dark-haired girl in the coven. He values her slightly more than the others right now. Interesting.'_

Good, I thought. If I focus on Alice, that will be the only bond she picks up from me. Keep your thoughts coming, Alice. Let me hear from you. Alice? I glanced over at her. She stared off in the distance, probably seeing something in her mind. Why couldn't I see it? Oh! Oh fuck! Chelsea had cut off our communication. FUCK!

She smiled widely before a cackle erupted from her. "There's another. There is one common bond each of them have with a girl who is not here with them. They're protecting her. Hiding her. They covet her."

Chelsea's report to Demetri brought a smile to his stone face as well. "Very good Chelsea. Marcus will be pleased with you. If you help me find her, you'll be greatly rewarded, I'm sure."

Dammit! Why had I involved Bella so deeply in my coven? She was the only one aside from each other that each of us cared for. It was Bella we were united in coveting. And now I didn't even have Alice to show me if they'd track her.

"Perhaps you'd like to save Aro the trouble of coming out here, himself, and just tell us who this girl is? We'd like to have a little chat."

"You're not getting near her!" I hissed.

Chelsea grinned at me. "She's yours. Ah yes, now that the little gremlin is out of your grasp, it's clear you have the tightest bond with this illusive one."

"Gremlin? Excuse me?" Alice took offense, rightly so. "Look lady, I was about to offer you the advice of your life, but for that crack, you can stay with this goon and get what's coming to you. I hope you enjoy exile. I hope you have a taste for small exotic creatures as well, because you won't be finding any human blood to stuff your fat body with."

Jasper moved in, only when Alice had finished her hate-filled rant. He winked at her as his arm looped over her shoulder. She was instantly calm and pleasant once more. If I wasn't so concerned with Bella, I'd really be interested to see these two go another round.

"Honestly, the girl you're seeing is nowhere near us. Yes, Edward is rather fond of her, as we all are, but you know how this coven works. We won't be taking any lives unnecessarily." Carlisle sounded very convincing. Thank god they hadn't brought along a Volturi member who could detect lies. They weren't so brilliant after all. Unless they did plan to bring Aro out to read my mind. Then we'd all be fucked.

Carlisle insisted I make no attempt to communicate with Bella until after the Volturi party had left the area. Alice was watching them closely, but with her being cut off from me, she couldn't see Bella's fate either. I was miserably stressed for several days before they finally cleared out.

When I finally got to call, I got Renee. "I'm sorry Edward, Bella's not feeling too well. She's asleep now and I don't want to wake her. But I will tell her you called. Take care, sweetie. Talk to you soon."

Maybe this was a blessing. I hadn't been near her for over a month, Demetri would not have her scent to go by, and even if he had some sense of her, if she was home in bed… she was safe. Still, I wanted to hear her voice. And I wanted to be with her, especially if she was ill.

With the retreat of the Volturi, my bond with Alice was re-established. I never realized how much I would miss her voice in my head, but I had. Desperately. She made up for it with a constant barrage of thoughts and visions and apprehensive warnings. A change was coming, but she couldn't see whether it was for better or worse. As frustrating as it was, I was still grateful to be back in tune with her.

I tried several times to reach Bella, without success, until she finally called me. She sounded weak.

"I guess it's some kind of flu. Renee dragged me to the doctor last week. Made him do a pregnancy test and everything."

"Pregnancy test? Bella, I can't…" We had been very active in those weeks we had together before summer break and we weren't using protection. But I couldn't… she couldn't be pregnant! Could she?

"I'm not, by the way. You're right. I guess we can't get pregnant. Got the call today. I'm just sick, is all."

"Honey, I wish I could be with you. Feed you soup, rub your head, sing you to sleep."

"Mmm… me too, Iceman. Me too. Can you at least come visit?"

I filled her in on our recent visitors and told her to be extra cautious. I described Demetri and Chelsea so she'd have an idea of what to look out for.

"Bella, none of us can come to you, you understand that, right? It's not safe. Above all, I want to ensure your safety. Someone is coming to watch you; a friend. He can be trusted. His name is Garrett, but you won't meet him unless it's necessary… hopefully it doesn't come to that. He will be practically invisible, but he'll keep the others from you."

"Edward, I don't like the idea of someone spying on me!"

"Better him than Demetri, Bella! Don't be stubborn!"

"I just wish it was you, that's all. I get it… don't yell at me! I'm sick, remember?"

"Sorry baby. I am. I'm just really on edge. I want this witch hunt to be over. I want them to leave us the fuck alone."

"Change me."

"No."

"I guess I'll be spending a lot of time with Garrett then."

I sighed. "Bella… How are things going there, with your mom?"

"Aside from her and my aunt digging out their knitting books, looking for bootie patterns, pretty good. You know, I think they actually wanted me to be pregnant. I mean, Renee was frantic when the nausea continued over days and the possibility hit her, but she seemed just the slightest bit disappointed when the negative result came in."

"You still feel nauseated?"

"Comes and goes. It's a brutal flu, whatever the hell it is. I'm chilled and feverish all at once. And my muscles ache. Puking is never fun, but it feels like my body's been ripped apart when I heave. It's gross."

"Yeah…" I made a mental note of everything she said, to take to Carlisle. "I hope you feel better soon, Bella. Garrett should be there now. Check your window. See anything?"

"A really quick shadow when I opened my blinds."

I grinned. "Give him a wave. I'll speak with you soon, honey. Get some rest, feel better. I love you."

* * *

"It could be just as she says, a brutal flu. There were several out there in the spring, but I haven't seen much of them in recent weeks." Carlisle jotted down her symptoms and dates. "Something to keep an eye on though."

"Carlisle… a human pregnancy test would still show positive, even if it were a vampire child, wouldn't it?"

He set his pen down and leaned forward. "Is this a possibility, son? Have you not been careful about this?"

"I didn't see the need, to be honest. I lack the necessary seminal fluids, right?"

He nodded. "It has been known to happen, however."

I slumped down in my chair. "You tell me this, now?"

He smiled reassuringly. "It would still show positive. The baby would have its mother's blood. She's not pregnant. But let this be a lesson…" He wagged a finger at me and I couldn't help but chuckle my relief. Not pregnant. But still, quite ill for some unknown reason.

I kept in close contact with Garrett. All was clear. Bella seemed to be faring better over the next several days. She had more energy, but kept it for things at home. Her Aunt Tess was refinishing the basement so Renee would have her own apartment down there, and Bella if she decided to finish school there. Bella, according to Garrett, was quite handy with small tools and a whiz with a paint brush. She also appeared to have worked out the body aches… she was moving furniture around without help.

Another week passed and I was tentatively confident that the Volturi had gone back with their report, outcome to be determined, and Bella had recovered for the most part, from her illness. She was still 'iffy around food', as she put it. That struck me as tragic for her, knowing her appetite. I was about to call Garrett back when Bella called me.

"Edward, I don't feel so well. My mom and Aunt Tess went to visit their cousin and her new baby. I'm kinda freaked out."

"What's wrong?" I motioned for Alice to come to me and quickly told her to call Garrett and get me on a flight.

"I ache. So much. It's really bad…" She choked off a sob. I could picture her curled up in a ball, talking to me.

"Sweetie… I'm coming to you. But until I get there, or your mom comes home, Garrett's going to come stay with you, okay?"

"No… I don't even know him. I don't like people being around me when I'm sick. I'll be okay. I just… I wish you were here now." She was crying now and it broke my heart.

When I finally got to her, a plane and slow taxi ride later, she had relented and let Garrett in. He was tending to a high fever with wet cloths. Bella was pale and shivering and burst into tears when she saw me. I ran to her side and covered her forehead with kisses as she clung to me.

"It's okay baby, I'm here. You're burning up! I thought the fever was gone?"

"M-m-me too…"she mumbled through chattering teeth. "It j-just hit. No w-w-warning."

"Should I take you to the hospital? Bella, help me… I don't know what to do for you."

She was crying too hard to speak. Her body curled up, just as I had envisioned, and both of her hands held onto me tightly. Jesus, she had some grip!

"The pain is bad too? Where?"

"Everywhere! My arms and legs the worst. I can't go out. Just stay with me, Edward."

I did as she requested, as if I had a choice. Her grip on me was vice-like. Only when she fell asleep, could I get her off me so I could call Carlisle. "This is worse than we thought," I informed him. "I wish I'd gotten you to come with me. She needs help, and I don't know what to do."

"Get her fever down, but don't let her shiver, that will drive it back up. That means keeping yourself off her, Edward."

"I get it. What else?"

"Once the fever's down, the muscle aches should subside as well. Get her well enough to travel. You're going to bring her to us."

I stared solemnly at her sleeping form as I digested Carlisle's words. He believed it was time. Were we ready for this? Regardless, I had to get her well so I tended to her around the clock, spoon feeding her tiny bites, keeping her drinking, wiping down her fevered sweat. I read to her, sang to her, told her stories from every decade I'd been around for and finally, after one long sleep, when her eyes opened, they were my Bella's eyes; full of love and shimmering happily.

"You're here," she whispered.

"Yes. I've been here for 2 days. You don't remember?"

She looked confused as she tried to sit up. Her head began spinning from the sudden movement and she collapsed against me. "2 days?"

"Honey, I have to tell you something. Do you feel well enough? Can I help you with anything before…"

"What? What's going on? The Volturi? They didn't hurt your family, did they?"

I shook my head. "Bella, Carlisle believes we should get you to our home in Alaska. Immediately."

She smiled with relief. "I get to stay with you? Awesome!"

"The other option... once Carlisle figures out what's wrong with you and we get you well, is to split up and hide."

"No. Absolutely not Edward! We're not splitting up again!" Her finger poked at me and it felt like when Rosalie would jab me. I'd never felt this from Bella. Jesus, she had some anger.

"Not us, baby. I mean, my family. We'll divide up and spread out. It will make the Volturi curious at first, but if we're careful and stay underground, they'll eventually back off, thinking the coven is no more. We're less of a threat to them in pairs."

"Can pairs protect themselves against the Vultures?"

"Volturi..." I corrected her absent-mindedly. "It would be better to have numbers against them, for sure, but this is about protecting you. We will all do whatever we have to do just to keep you safe."

"We'll all be safe if you change me."

"Bella… if you come with me now, and we take that final step, that's it. You can't come back here. You can't see your mom again. Or your aunt. Are you ready to leave them? Are you ready to live a life of lies until they're gone? I wanted you to have more time for this…" I bowed my head and pressed it against hers. "You need to be certain, Bella."

"I am," she whispered. "I can do this. _We_ can do this. I'm ready. When they meet the Cullen coven next, it will be larger and we'll be stronger - all of us, together."

I failed to mention that even if she was a vampire, it wouldn't appease the Volturi. It may even anger them more. What I couldn't stand the thought of, however, was what they would do to Bella, the human. They couldn't have her - my fragile little human. No fucking way. They would not kill her. They would not rape her. They would not... would NOT take my human from me and make her one of them. Those fuckers were not laying a finger on my human Bella. I would fight them until my body erupted in flames. I would turn Bella, myself, or... take her life myself... before I'd let them take her. They were so very right, I did covet this human. And I knew my instincts well enough to know I could be the deadliest fucking vampire they ever met if anyone tried to take her from me.

She was right. It was time to turn up the heat and make our move.

_Oh baby I was born  
With a fast fuse  
I've got not time to love  
Just a city to abuse  
In the middle of the night  
When they come for you  
Where you gonna be  
What you gonna do…_

_(Kasabian)_


	39. Chapter 39 Crawl

_**Crawl**_

_You fall, my pride  
Don't ever need to apologize  
As your lips unfold  
Shakin' purple from the cold  
You better learn to crawl…_

Once Bella's fever had broken, she returned to her usual self. We stayed back for a day after Renee returned. They had spent many hours talking over the summer and Bella felt sure her mom would agree to her staying with my family. She was right, of course. Renee felt comfortable with the arrangement. During the two days Bella had lost while ill, I had several conversations with Renee as well and so she was fully prepared for her daughter's departure with me. She was actually thrilled that Bella would get to spend a few weeks in Alaska before returning to school. It was something she'd never done, herself. She wanted the world for her daughter.

Bella was practicing her acting skills with me on the flight northwest. She pretended she wanted nothing else. She pretended she wouldn't miss her mother. By the end of the flight, she also blocked her thoughts. "I'm aware when you're poking around in there now. Stop that."

The Denali coven, though anxious to meet our soon-to-be newest coven member, left us with their home so Bella would not be overwhelmed. Always so gracious. Upon our arrival, my family flooded Bella with warm welcomes and endless amounts of food; which, for the most part left Bella looking somewhat green. She said she felt fine. My instincts said otherwise. And when Carlisle did his own examination, he confirmed my feelings.

I wanted a moment with him to know ahead of time what to expect, but Bella insisted on us finding out together. She sensed his grave demeanour meant she was seriously ill and therefore, he could save her. Immediately. I knew otherwise.

"Well, this is one for the books," he began. The three of us were seated in the library. Carlisle had gone through the results and had searched through the volumes of journals, he too kept, looking for any case he had ever recorded similar to this. There was nothing.

"Carlisle, I've already made my choice and you've all agreed. If I'm sick, I'm ready to become immortal. I'm ready, regardless. Will it happen soon?"

"It already is." His voice was incredibly calm. Soothing. "It would seem that you have a small battle taking place inside your body, even as we speak. The random fevers that keep popping up on you is the venom taking the lead."

Her eyes widened at his remark. My eyes dropped to the floor in shame. Why hadn't I taken better care? Been more cautious with her?

"Venom… as in…"

"Edward's venom, yes. It's now in your blood."

"I… I don't understand… he never bit me!"

Carlisle smiled warmly at her, shaking his head. "I believe it found an alternate way in. Small doses of our venom does not harm humans, rather it allures them. However, there are not many vampires – actually, none that I'm aware of – who have continued relations with the same human. So, while a small amount won't hurt, small amounts given with frequency apparently have the same outcome as one bite. Bella, you are in the midst of change. Too late to turn back; but not there yet."

"Oh my god…" Her skin paled as she reached for my hand. "It's… already happening?" She squeezed my hand, confirming that Carlisle, of course, was right. I hadn't imagined her grip strengthening. It had. And was growing stronger yet.

"That's why you were in such pain," I said to her softly. "Bella…I'm sorry…"

She turned my face to look at her; her eyes gleaming with adoration and excitement. "Don't ever be sorry. This is what I wanted. I wanted _you_ to change me, Edward. And you have." With a huge smile, she kissed my lips, ever so lovingly.

"Not quite Bella. You're not through the roughest parts yet; where the venom seizes your organs. That will be remarkably painful and, I would imagine, quite frightening. Do you remember, Edward, what it was like when you first awoke - immortal. Your first breath?"

I nodded. "I panicked. I realized I wasn't breathing and gasped for air, but it didn't come easily. When my lungs filled, I felt like it was suffocating me. Of course, it wasn't…" We smirked at each other, knowingly. "Breathing hurt. And not breathing was terrifying. It was days before I mastered that adjustment alone."

"You breathe differently?" she whispered.

"Vampires do not require oxygen, Bella," Carlisle calmly explained. "We breathe only to appear normal. In the beginning, it's an effort. But it's something you must practice so that it becomes routine. There are many little things you would take for granted as a human, that are forced for a vampire. Breathing, blinking, swallowing…"

"Even movement. We don't have to move around like humans do. We're not fidgety. We don't get uncomfortable." I watched Bella taking in all of the information we were now giving her. She was preparing for everything.

"So, what do we do now? Just watch and learn and it will continue on like this? How will we know when I'm a vampire?"

I held in a grin. This was the first time she hadn't stumbled over the word. She not only was accepting her fate, she was comfortable with it and even anticipating the changes to come with excitement.

"Or, we can complete the change at once so you can get the difficult newborn stage rolling. Letting nature take its course, as it were, may prolong that process."

"Or make it easier?" I suggested. "Carlisle, if she's learning as she's changing, will she not find the impulses more easily controllable?" I knew that was one of the biggest problems to overcome. The thirst, of course, dominates everything – but if she didn't have everything else to contend with all the while trying to control her thirst… "We can do it, little by little."

"I don't know how that will work out, son. It's not been done."

"We can try…"

"And if it doesn't work out, then just change me at once!" Bella was very excited about this new plan.

We fast-forwarded her change with a much anticipated reunion on our own. I entered her very slowly, minimizing her discomfort until she adjusted to me again. The adjustment came about rather quickly and I found I didn't have to be as gentle as I wanted to be. She kept raising the bar. She also insisted that I not pull out and I came inside her for the very first time. She went wild with the euphoric rush it created in the human side of her that still remained. The vampire emerging in her, gripped me and drove me deeper and deeper until her whole body spasmed in orgasm. When she finished, she held me close, giggling and gasping and not once shivering. This was a bonus in our new plan.

When not furthering her change through venom exchange, my family took turns nursing her through the fever and pain and when she was recovered enough, teaching her our ways. Jasper continued on as her main tutor, only this time, it was not science. He had the most experience with newborns as he had trained a newborn army during his early immortality. I now had the same faith in his restraint with Bella, as I did with the others. Her scent was fading with each round of change she experienced. While I had moments of longing for my human Bella, her new scent was just as appealing to me, only without the urge to drink from her.

One night, alone in bed, she offered me her blood. "It can't hurt me now. And Carlisle says it's diminishing daily. Edward, you've resisted for so long… don't you even want a taste to see what it's like? Maybe it's not even as good as you think it would be. Maybe you really do prefer mountain lion," she teased.

The idea did intrigue me.

She held up a finger, smiling at me with complete trust in her eyes.

I took it and held it. I kissed it, licked it – sucked it and then I bit into it. She did flinch. Her teeth were still entirely human and she had no idea how sharp mine truly were. As her blood oozed, I watched in fascination as it dripped from the small wound. The scent filled my nostrils, heightening all my senses. As my tongue flicked over a droplet, I let out a heavy sigh. It was just as fucking good as I imagined. My mouth was flooding with venom as I licked the trail, avoiding the cut, itself. She squeezed out more for me when I licked her clean and I lapped that up with a smile as well.

"You could have changed me the proper way, Iceman. See, you do have control." Her free arm held me close as I swallowed as much venom as possible and gently sucked on her fingertip. "But this is much more us." She let me suck on her for several more minutes, lying against her heaving breast. She found it almost as erotic as I did. I was still sucking when I entered her and when we were near climax, she reopened it and I sipped from her as I came. Heaven was a place I would certainly never see, but I lived it, in that all too brief moment.

Bella had her worst, but briefest bout of the painful change yet, soon after our taste test. She emerged from it with her first visible change. Her eyes were no longer brown; not the deep crimson of a newborn, but her thirst was developing. Rosalie was the first to notice, as she was tending to her when Bella came out of her delusional state. I read Rosalie's thoughts and rushed to the room. Lingering at the door, I watched as Rose leaned over her. She was picturing herself, lying there; remembering how alone she felt when she awoke. My ears perked up to hear her whispers.

"I'm here for you. You're not alone. You'll never be alone again, honey. What can I get you, Bella? What can I do for you? I think you're completely insane for making this choice, but it's done. I wished better for you… for Edward – because he adores you. You must be something extraordinary to capture Edward's heart, so… Bella! Why didn't you choose to live! He would have still loved you! This life… it's long, Bella. It's so long when you can never have what you really want." She paused to help Bella shift as she became more alert. "I suppose you do though – have what you really want."

"Edward," Bella whispered.

Rose nodded with a sad, understanding grin. "This is for you. It's from me and Alice. We were going to give it to you when you're really – you know – done. But whatever. You're already one of us." She presented her with a necklace; the same necklace my sisters and mother both wore with the Cullen crest attached to it.

Ah, Rosalie. Open that heart of yours… you have so much love. I felt like I was intruding upon one of her rare moments where she let down her tough as nails façade, as she did when we were alone. But this was new and very different for Rosalie. She was nurturing my Bella as she longed to do for a child of her own. She was settling for a new younger sister. Sweet Rosalie.

We got her on a diet of very rare meat. She could no longer stomach vegetables any more than we could. Meat, she was unsure of, but it provided her with the blood she craved and taught her to crave the blood we, as a coven, chose. Bella pleaded with me to teach her how to hunt as her thirst consumed her, but I refused until the change was complete. She was still human enough to be so revolted she wouldn't be able to feed. If she carried that into her immortal life, she would forever have problems… problems even worse than mine when it came time to hunt.

I had taken her for a run one day, to see if she'd acquired any speed yet herself as well as for her to experience my kind of speed. She was enjoying every minute of this method of change – even the painful parts, she seemed to black-out. It was more painful for me watching her shiver with cold sweats, burn with fever and writhe in pain. She came out of each bout stronger and more content with her decision. Amazing. She was even making me enjoy the lighter side of being a vampire. Our run was a most enjoyable way to spend a morning. Alice ran to us when we approached the property.

"They're back. On the way. Em and Rose went east already to try to lure them that way. Carlisle and Esme are waiting for you, but they'll go south. Jazz is going north, once they've left me. I'm waiting here so I can let you know their next move."

I shook my head. "I don't want you alone, Alice. Jazz stays too. I'll take Bella north."

"No!" Alice froze as she watched the movie play out in her mind. "East. You'll have Emmett as a backup."

"Emmett will be after bears… Alice, you said polar bears, right? You're not mixing it up with grizzlies? Am I taking Bella into a trap if I follow Emmett?"

She pondered my query. "No. Polar bears. Don't go north."

"Ready for another run?" I cracked a grin at Bella to ease her fears.

* * *

Alice sent updates to us regularly. The evil duo had already tracked Esme and Carlisle. And they still didn't have a mind reader with them – good news. They got nothing about our whereabouts from my parents and left without issue. Esme was now back with Alice, Carlisle was headed towards us on an alternate route than we followed. Demetri and Chelsea went north.

Bella and I stopped in a small town, as I thought she'd need to tend to some human needs. She hid her newly changed eyes behind sunglasses, though it was overcast.

"She had laser eye surgery," I informed the man behind the counter of the convenience store/gas station we chose for the washroom and snacks for Bella. He initially thought we were going to rob him, then he thought she was wasted. "The slightest light hurts. Fluorescents in particular." He bought it.

Bella grabbed a Coke and a bottle of water. No food appealed. I kept my worries to myself, as I knew that if her hunger and desire for food was ebbing this rapidly, her thirst would pick up and Coke wouldn't sustain her. I didn't want her hunting – not yet. And if she got the real taste of blood, I'd have to seclude her from humans and hole up somewhere, unprotected.

On another update, Alice informed me Chelsea and Demetri had just left, having discovered Esme returned to the Denali coven. They were retracing Carlisle, assuming he was with us. He veered off to distract them so he wouldn't be around to help me should Bella have another spell from her gradual change. No word from Emmett and Rose as of yet.

Alice also told me of her latest vision, in which Bella was in a rage.

I bought a used car from the body shop that was across from the gas station. Bella still required sleep and I didn't want us to be trapped inside somewhere if we stopped for the night. She could sleep as I drove. She chattered on excitedly when we took possession of the vehicle but exhaustion soon overtook her and she slept for several hours. I smiled sadly, watching her slow intake of air and hearing the soft snore with each exhale. It wouldn't be long now until that endearing act wasn't necessary and it made me think of the nights I'd spent, enrapt, watching this simple act from her. It was definitely something I would miss.

"Don't be sad, Iceman." Her voice replaced the breathing sounds. "This is what I want."

I knew that. I believed that. But as I watched over her that night, in the middle of nowhere, alternating between crying out her hunger pains and begging me to complete the change, here and now so she could feed – it tore at my heart. I wished I had Alice's foresight to know if it was the right time. To know if I could complete her without harming her. She had taken in so much over the past weeks, watching our ways; I had no doubt that she would be much more content with immortal life than was I. I just wanted a guarantee that she would have that. I needed Carlisle more than ever to ensure she'd be okay during the final step. She was ready.

By our third day of travel, we had reached Manitoba and debated continuing on to the east coast – to the mountain retreat I'd hidden in on my own, or doubling back. We still hadn't encountered any vampires; neither my own nor Volturi, but my senses told me of impending doom. I was on high alert.

It came as no surprise to me when I was suddenly face to face with Demetri. We had pulled off the road to go for a run, allowing me to feed and Bella was currently finding a private place in the wooded area I had just come from to relieve her still human organs. I now wished I hadn't fed. I'd be more aggressive, thirsty.

The big lug stood there smirking at me. "Odd. I thought she'd smell different. I thought she would have a much more alluring scent to make you risk everything. She seems quite ordinary, however. And you, quite silly for chasing her. Was she worth it, Edward? Worth meeting your own demise? You won't have long to suffer after her death. I'll show you mercy. Think of that while we drink from her… surely, you've tasted her, yourself? I'd hate to have you leave this world without having drank from the very human who cost you your immortal life."

I seethed inside, refraining from commenting on his remarks. His questions got no reply from me. I simply let the rage simmer as he continued goading me.

"Chelsea is out looking for her now. I do hope she saves some for us. Shall we go find them? If she hasn't begun dining, I'd offer you the pleasure of the first drink – out of courtesy. Her blood will be so warm. Fresh." He made a disgusting display of sniffing the air as we followed her scent, like she was a fine wine. "So quiet, Edward. Honestly, I thought you'd put up more of a fight. I know the others from your coven are nowhere near so if you're thinking they'll run in and save you, you're mistaken. You see, Edward? This is what happens when you choose a human over your own kind. Humans are meant to hunt…occasionally fuck…"

I turned away in disgust as he recalled some conquests of his own.

"When you covet them, as you do this one, it only leads to trouble. You know that now, of course. But it's too late."

"Bella!" The first word erupted from my mouth the instant I spotted her in the shadows of the forest. Chelsea stood with her. I had no connection, no insight to her thoughts; not even greyness. Nothing. I cursed under my breath as I realized we were fucked.

"Would you like a moment alone before we begin this intriguing dance? You may have first taste, Edward, but I will be the first one inside her today." He grinned with a mixture of malice and lust. "So small - this human. So frail… she'll never know what pain is like until I get at her."

I lunged for him. Of course, he anticipated my violent response and moved aside, cackling at my lame attempt.

"Demetri darling," Chelsea called over. "Don't play with him now. I'm anxious to begin." Her fingers trailed along Bella's jawline as she stood behind and tugged her head backwards, holding her against her chest. Her lips moved closer to Bella and she whispered to her. Out of my range, I couldn't hear, and I had no reading skills.

Bella stared at me, willing me to read her? Or was the bond that Chelsea broke in her, nothing to do with her abilities, rather her emotional connection to me. Her eyes showed no sign of fear. No sign of pleading with me to help. No sign of any feeling towards me at all. I was simply a line of vision to her as Chelsea licked her jaw and down her throat.

All I could do was pray that Bella was still human enough to get the afterlife she doubted, but I knew she deserved. Even if she made it through this, I would not. And she would be better off dead than suffering on her own or with the Volturi. Come get me! I willed them, not wanting to play their game. If it was the end, bring it quickly. Come after _ME_, you heartless fucks!

'_Cause__ the rat and the fly  
They're searchin' for an alibi  
As we wait the wrath  
They never went to Sunday mass  
They want to see us crawl  
They want to see us crawl  
Before they walk away  
Before they walk away…_

_(Kings of Leon)_


	40. Chapter 40 Leave Out All the Rest

_**Leave Out All the Rest**_

_Don't be afraid  
I've taking my beating  
I've shared what I've been_

_I'm strong on the surface  
Not all the way through  
I've never been perfect  
But neither have you…_

I put my hand on Demetri's shoulder to stop him as he approached Bella. "You said I could have the first round. It's only fair. I'll be dead soon enough and you'll have her for eternity." I had a plan worked out but I didn't know if it would work to Bella's benefit or make it worse for her. Either way, no matter her fate, I would not let them rape her. I prayed she would be a strong enough newborn to fend them of herself if I failed her.

Her eyes followed me as I moved towards her, stony. She looked away briefly when Chelsea released her, as per Demetri's orders. I reached out and caressed her neck as I pulled her near, kissing her forehead.

"So sweet," Chelsea cooed with malice.

I ignored her and focused all my attention on my Bella. "Don't be afraid, my love," I whispered, knowing full well that the others were listening in. "Remember the most important things we've learned about each other and trust me."

She gazed up at me in silence.

I had to get across my point that I was going to change her, here and now and she had to let go of everything human, instantly, if she were to protect herself. "Are you listening? Just trust me, Bella. Remember the time we spent with Alice."

A small smile appeared. Was she thinking of their friendship? I wanted her to realize that Alice was her sister now too.

"Emmett and Rosalie..."

Her hand moved to the necklace Rose had placed on her. Brother, sister...

I smiled and nodded ever so slightly. Should I not come out of this predicament, Bella would still be a Cullen. "You're one of us. Remember that. Most importantly, remember Jazz. Trust him." I nodded more visibly so that she would pay closer attention. "Trust Jazz and everything he's ever said to you. Leave out all the rest. Trust what you know." I couldn't very well tell her to remember everything we had shown her and everything Jazz had trained her to do as a newborn. I just hoped she understood what I wanted her to know.

I bent and placed one last kiss on my not so fragile human's lips. A soft whimper escaped her. I prayed once more, this time that she knew my love for her as I lowered my lips to her throat. "Leave out everything but Jasper, Bella. Trust me...now. Then Jazz. I love you so much. I'll save you."

Her arms went around my neck as I bit into her flesh. My body shuddered as her altered blood flooded my mouth and she clung to me. Her head tipped back further to allow me easier access as her fingers curled into my hair. This wasn't like the other time I had tasted her. She was much further along, practically inhuman already.

"Chelsea, did you not break her bond? Why is she not fighting him?" Demetri's angry voice rang out.

I paused as I smiled in understanding. This was an act. Bella knew she well on her way and was heeding her lessons on being a vampire. Lie. Fight dirty. Protect yourself. She was putting on the act of her life as she pretended not to be affected by Chelsea. She pretended that this was my first taste and I was enchanting her. Chelsea's hold over me broke suddenly as she panicked, thinking of how she was unable to fully break me - ever. She had only ever cut off my mind reading ability, not my emotional ties. Suck on that, bitch! My love for Bella and my family was stronger than her skill and my confidence that we'd get through this resurfaced.

"You've taken enough!" Demetri hauled me off Bella when he saw Chelsea weakening.

Bella dropped to the ground in a grand display of agony, her eyes holding mine. I held back my smile once more. This, also was not like the other times - she was fully aware of me and everything going on. An act. And a damned good one!

"What have you done?" Demetri demanded. "There's something off...her scent..." He lowered his face to her open wound where the very pale blood flowed. "Her blood! It's not...she's not human!"

_'Bear!'_ A familiar voice rang out in my head just as Demetri turned on me. Emmett! Oh god...please let them find us! You can hunt later Em!

Demetri turned to face north even as I heard Emmett in my head. He had their scent. "The others are here!" he growled at Chelsea. "Do something!"

Her attention turned to me, instantly cutting of my internal connections again. No matter - a flash behind her let me know my brother was here. I picked up the scent of burning wood as the other two did and they were distracted long enough for Emmett to make his move. Rosalie was preparing. I flashed a cocky grin towards our enemies.

"You're outnumbered," I sneered at them as Emmett came up behind them.

Chelsea snickered and Demetri snorted in amusement. "Two on two. Where are your numbers?" Demetri strolled casually towards me. "This one's mate is busy cooking up a fire that will come in handy for Chelsea and me to toss your useless remains in later. And _your_ mate? A pathetic half-breed. You couldn't even get that right!" He roared with a mocking laugh. "I don't know why the Volturi leaders hold you in such high regard! You're useless! You can't _kill_ this one human and you couldn't even change her! Well, I've had enough. I'll finish her off myself."

Emmett was on him even before I could make a move. Demetri was a solid mass of inhuman rock but apparently no match for my bulking brother; and certainly not when he felt protective of his newest sister.

Rosalie came flying out of the woods when she sensed her man in a tussle, but seeing he had it under control, she went to Bella's side. Chelsea watched, frozen, as she realized she certainly was outnumbered. And then, as all bloodsucking vampires do, she put herself first and fled as Demetri's neck snapped.

Bella sat with Rosalie, watching our ritual of vampire disposal and after every piece of his evil body was burning in the fires of hell, I went to her. Kneeling before her, I put my hand out to touch her skin. I didn't get the rush of heat from her as I always had. She now felt like us; the same as when I touched any of my family. We didn't feel like icy granite to each other, and I wouldn't feel that way to Bella now. She smiled as she ran her own fingers over me, amazed at the way she now felt my flesh.

"How bad is it really - the pain?" I asked her softly.

She shrugged. "I'm just thirsty. Really fucking thirsty."

We all had a chuckle at her calm transformation.

"I know where we can get you some bear!" Emmett announced proudly. "I think that's the perfect first meal for our brave Bella."

As the four of us walked away from the site of the fire, on our way to hunt, we saw Chelsea stoically watching her partner burn. She glanced up at us and sneered. "She's mine."

Even as she moved, Bella was already gone - racing deeper into the woods, Chelsea on her heels. Go, Bella! I cheered in my head.

"Christ! This girl may be faster than you!" Emmett grinned as we fought to keep up. When we did, we saw her full motive. Thirst. She was stalking a bear as Chelsea watched in fascination, distracted from her own pursuit briefly. Not only a bear - a polar bear. Here. In the clearing of the woods, far from his usual home. It stood at its full height, towering over Bella. Her instinct may have led her to this massive prey, but she lacked hunting skills, thanks to my paranoia.

Emmett broke into a wide grin and rubbed his hands together. "Love a challenge!" He wrestled with the enormous white bear and then I moved in and put it out of its misery. I took Bella by the hand and sat her beside me as I bit into its flesh for her, offering an opening for her to drink from. Her instinct took over from there, not leaving a drop for her hunters.

Distracted by Bella and her first feeding (of a _polar bear_ for fuck sake!), I didn't sense Chelsea coming up on me until she was at my throat, a thirst for revenge as her motive. Bella was the first to react. Standing and wiping her mouth, she dug her fingertip onto the wound I'd created on her throat, spilling the last few drops of her human blood.

"For you, bitch. Come get it while you can."

Chelsea's nostrils flared with the scent of her thinned blood and her temper flared at the taunt. She launched herself at Bella, was thwarted and came back at me. Emmett and Rose watched the dance with guarded amusement, ready to step in should we require their help.

We didn't.

Bella's newborn strength, having just quenched her insatiable thirst was unmatched. We all cringed hearing each of Chelsea's vertebrae snap as Bella peeled her off me.

"He's mine! You don't _touch _him!" She hissed into her ear, pointlessly. Chelsea's still opened eyes stared blankly as Bella re-enacted our disposal in the most matter-of-fact manner.

"Fuck!" Emmett whistles through his teeth. "That's one dangerous chick you got there, bro! Serene, yet feral. I've never seen a newborn like her."

"You've never seen a newborn trained by Jasper beforehand," she grinned as she wiped her hands on her jeans. "Um, a little help getting this to the fire? Dumb bitch thought she could put her hands on my man!" She grabbed onto Chelsea's head and carried it back to the other end of the clearing by the hair before tossing it into the flames.

Rose sucked in her lip and smirked with approval. "I like this girl. A lot."

Our family reunion was held back home, where we could re-settle, as though nothing happened. Only now we were eight. Eight, extremely unusual characters that, together, somehow seemed like an average, loving family. In all of our hearts, that's all we wanted to be. We'd had moments of amusement with our abilities, and times of duress brought on by our condition, but at the end of each day, year, decade… we just wanted to live like a normal family.

Carlisle did a full examination, astounded by the events that took place. He confirmed the transition was complete and aside from her ravenous thirst, she didn't suffer the same newborn maladies the rest of us had.

Jasper was particularly proud of how Bella handled herself facing our enemies. I was particularly grateful to him for spending the time with her in training. The bond with my newest brother strengthened with this experience and I would never again doubt him. The number of human lives he had taken in his early years was astounding, but forgivable. To me, his soul was as pure as when he was born a human.

"You can forgive Jazz for killing, but not yourself. Why?" Bella inquired as we unpacked together at home.

I had no reply to give. It didn't make sense, even to me. "Bella, I've wanted to ask you something..."

"Yeah, I'm still into you - even as a vampire," she smirked and slapped my ass playfully.

"Seriously...back in Manitoba, Chelsea broke our bond. But you still trusted me. Why?"

She left the box she was unpacking and came to sit on my lap. Arms around my neck, her new granite lips met mine, moving together perfectly. "You really don't know? I've trusted you since the beginning...well, almost...there was that period where I was sure you were messing with me. You were too perfect to want me. Anyway, I believe in you, Edward. When you told me to make my last human days how I wanted to spend eternity, I did. I spent them loving you. Loving my family, new and old. I spent those days believing in_ you_ above all, and learning to trust Jasper as he trained me. When you reminded me of that, I knew what you had in mind and I left all the shit behind." Her pale skin seemed to glow with the joy she felt, having this new beginning.

I stared at my Bella, proud and astonishingly even more amazed by her as a vampire than I was of her human form. "You know you're stuck like this forever now," I grinned. "Believing in me...loving me..."

"That's the idea," she grinned as she kissed me again.

"That still doesn't tell me how Chelsea failed," I reminded her when our lips parted.

"You can't break a bond like ours," she stated firmly. "Not even Chelsea. Besides...I blocked her." The coy smirk on her face made me groan in realization.

"You blocked her...that's why even when she lost focus, I couldn't read you. There was nothing. No grey clouds, no thoughts... A solid grey wall. Bella... I haven't been able to read you since then. Are you still blocking me?"

Her eyes flashed to me. I still wasn't used to their colour, now a golden honey with a dark red rim. She had to wear contacts when we were out - they stood out too much. A small price to pay, really. She was ready for re-entry into human population much more quickly than any of us were. She would be able to finish school here, with me and she'd even be able to see Renee.

"I'm not blocking you intentionally. Try now."

Nothing. I shook my head. "Just solid grey." A possibility shot into my mind and I called for Jasper.

"Try to alter her mood," I suggested. "Bella, just relax. Don't block him."

Jasper frowned after several moments. "I can't get through. I've suggested everything...anger, elation, fear, sadness." He looked at me thoughtfully. _'Her special skill?'_

Smirking, I nodded my agreement. "Looks like you're no average vampire, Bella."

She arched her eyebrows in interest. "What - this isn't a fluke?"

"Not a fluke."

"You realize, Bella, this skill of yours makes you stronger than the rest of us. We're all susceptible to others' skills - but you...are not." Jasper gave her an encouraging wink. "She can block the Volturi! Amazing!"

"She is completely amazing. I've been telling you that all year," I grinned.

"You'll learn to control it, as you get more accustomed to everything else," I explained to her after Jasper left. "The only issue I see with leaving it alone is that Alice won't be able to see you in her visions."

"That's awesome! Then she won't see me doing her brother...repeatedly...in a multitude of creative ways..."

I didn't have to read her thoughts to know she was going to be insatiable with her desire for sex as well as her thirst for blood. After roaming this planet for a century as a virgin, I wasn't about to complain or deny her one single pleasure.

My fragile human evolved into a strong, beautiful immortal, though just as loving and honest as she was in life. Her devotion to me and the family I adored was staggering. It was as if she were always one of us. I didn't waste much time wondering why...if it was because of her last moments fully human, loving me and resisting Chelsea. Was this another vampire skill or was she simply like Esme, with an endless amount of love to share? Whatever the reason, she fulfilled me. I finally had a true purpose in life - loving this wondrous girl; making her as happy as she made me.

Nearly a century spent hating myself, with journals to prove it - it took merely one year to change my life around. Esme had been right all along. Love, was the reason to go on. Love was the most valuable thing one could ever possess. Human or immortal. Fully understanding now, I could leave my anguish and eternal self-loathing for my sins behind. I could move on. Happily. I had survived my numerous, pointless suicide attempts, for this. Bella made me truly believe that I had not condemned her by loving her; I had saved her from her life of Grey. I couldn't see inside her head, but her eyes told me each second of the day that she felt vibrant and full of love. No more Grey days.

I proposed to Bella on the first anniversary of me saving her. She accepted, of course. And on the first anniversary of our marriage, and every one thereafter, we read aloud to each other from my new journals; the ones that began with our new life together. The life I prayed to have for eternity. Volumes of words written to declare my love for a girl who's thoughts, to me, would be forever grey.

_Forgetting  
All the hurt inside  
You've learned to hide so well  
Pretending  
Someone else can come and save me from myself  
I can't be who you are… _

_So if you're asking me  
I want you to know  
When my time comes  
Forget the wrong that I've done  
Help me leave behind some  
Reasons to be missed  
Leave out all the rest…_

_(Linkin Park)_

* * *

_A/N ~ I was determined NOT to use this song at all, but it snuck in anyway. :P_

_Thanks to all who stuck it out and read to the end. And to those who took the time to review - mmmwah! Every comment made an impact and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. _

_In lieu of an epilogue, an alternate ending will follow... soon-ish. ;) _

_Cheers! XX ~ SR_


	41. Alternate Ending No More Sorrow

_A/N ~ Although this is the alternate ending to this story here, it was the original ending in my first draft. Some things were a little different in that draft – Bella's gradual change was prolonged throughout their senior year in high school. Their encounter with the Volturi took place in the winter, not on a cross-country chase with a freak encounter with a polar bear. And they face them alone. Darker, brooding Edward is back but there's still a HEA in place. I hope you enjoy it. Love to hear which one works better for you, as readers. Many thanks, again. Enjoy the final chapter of Forever Grey._

_**No More Sorrow**_

_I had hope  
I believed  
But I'm beginning to think that I've been deceived…_

"Come along, Edward. I'd say it's time to feast, but there is something very wrong with this human. I'd say there's not much human about her anymore, really. I'm right, aren't I? Edward?"

I refused to reply to his taunts, staring stubbornly at the ground near Bella.

He snickered and lifted my chin to face him. Our noses were millimetres apart. "You've already tasted her. Did it excite you? Was she...yummy?"

Chelsea cackled. She had Bella's arms twisted behind her back, gripping them tightly. With her free hand, she stroked Bella's cheek, her neck, her collarbone...

A hiss escaped me, directed at Chelsea.

Demetri took great pleasure in my torment. "Perhaps we should let our dear friend Chelsea play with her first, since you've already taken away our _BLOOD_!" The word and his venom spewed out of his mouth, into my face. He received a less muted hiss. My rage was mounting at an incredible rate.

"But no... sweet Chelsea sometimes doesn't know her own strength. This little toy of yours may not have any blood, but her bones are not like ours. Not yet. They're still quite fragile, are they not? She still feels pain?"

He had drifted from me as he spoke, inching closer to Bella. In a flash he was in front of her, his retched hands on her face, breathing in her unique scent. "So deliciously warm..." he moaned in ecstasy. "I simply can't resist..."

Neither could I. I launched myself at him, pulling him ten feet away from her. "Run, Bella! Go! Get as far away as you can and don't stop for anyone! Remember what I told you! We can't be trusted!"

Her bones may have been breakable and her flesh, still warm from the unique mixture in her veins of her blood and my venom, but we had been working on her vampire running. She was fast. Damned fast!

Demetri ordered Chelsea after her as he took me on. I was not bulky and muscular like Emmett, but when provoked, I could be more lethal. My rage made me so. A guttural growl came from me as I flew into him. Both girls heard the clamouring boom as we collided and looked back.

_'The girl...she's far more interesting than this one!'  
_  
_NOOOOO!_ I leapt onto his back. "You...can't...HAVE HER!"

His head hung limply on his shoulders when his neck snapped. We both fell to the ground and in a fury; I tore him apart as easily as a child would destroy a tower of blocks. I was choking on my gasps of breath, sobbing and shaking from head to toe. Not my Bella. Please god, take me! "Take ME!" I screamed into the desolate night air.

Once Demetri's remains were fully disposed of, I followed the footprints in the snow. They would lead me to Bella. Please, let them lead me to Bella. I cursed myself for not having honed my tracking skills. The artic wind was gusting and pulling away any hint of her scent that I picked up. It was also doing a fine job of wiping clear any prints her or Chelsea left behind. Standing in the frozen tundra, I was completely lost.

I don't know how much time was spent wandering aimlessly, searching for my love, who was surely lost herself. Or frozen. Could she die from the elements still? I had no idea and the thought of it drove me slowly mad. It felt like a second eternity, my search. Not knowing her fate was the worst. I dreaded finding her body, but I hated the thought of her wandering, like me – scared, alone and unable to control herself. The only thing worse than either of these two possibilities, was if Chelsea had her.

My madness overtook me when I found the bear. The polar bear Alice had warned us of. It lay motionless on blood-soaked snow. I felt certain this was the remains of Bella's first hunt. Had she been injured during the fight with him? If she had shed much blood, even as diluted as it was, I would pick up the scent. There was nothing detectable to me. "Bella," I whispered. "Are you out there? Please god," I begged on my knees, my arms around the carcass, and my fingers in his great fur coat. "Please save her. I'm sorry! I'm sorry for all I've done! But I love this girl - that can't be wrong! It can't be wrong..."

Rising and stepping away from the great white bear, I spread my arms to the heavens. "It's my fault for loving her - not hers! She did nothing! She was only ever honest and pure...save her, please... Take me..."

As it had been for the past 90 years, He showed me no mercy. I still existed. As much as I begged and prayed for Him to send me to burn in hell and let Bella live out her existence with the Cullens, I still existed - in as much as I could without my purpose in life. My Bella.

"Edward? Dude, come on! You're really starting to freak me out. And we're vampires. We don't get freaked out." Jasper stood over me, his trademark smartass smirk in place. "Alice has been in and out of that crazy trance for days, you're locked in here...what is it? What are you writing?"

His words slowly sunk in and I looked around. I was in an unfamiliar room with stacks of books around me; on every surface and covering most of the floor. I looked down at the desk I sat at. The pen in my hand was still perched over my script. They weren't books. They were journals. My journals. The fog cleared from my head and I realized Jazz had said we'd been at this for days - Alice and I.

Frantically, I flipped through pages of my journals... _She feels so warm. Inside. It's like she's my sun and I'm inside her very core... _

_She forgave me. I took her to say her goodbyes to Riley... _

_She has part of me? Inside her? In her own blood! And she's strong and beautiful and utterly amazing... My fragile little human... Bella... _

_I've decided I can't - no, I don't want to go on like this for eternity without love; without my Bella... _

_She came to my house today. My home. My family opened their hearts to her and she accepted them. Just as she accepts me. No questions... She can't know! I won't hurt her that way... _

_I'm falling in love with this tiny human. God help me... _

_Grey/Bella was so vulnerable up there and those fools laughed! She is far superior to any one of those Neanderthals, and they made her feel useless. Her mind, the way it works when I see through the clouds - it's beautiful... _

_I avoided that guitar girl today. I saw her at school. She's too curious. I could get sloppy... _

_In the most boring of all boring towns, I stumbled across the most interesting human being I've ever met. She told member name was Grey. With an 'e'. She lied. She doesn't lie otherwise. Odd...  
_  
"Where's Alice?" I kicked over the last stack of journals, having read enough to know I hadn't imagined this perfect love with this girl named Bella. It came directly from Alice.

"Hey!" Jasper held onto my arm and gazed into my eyes. "Easy now. You know Alice and her visions..."

"Jazz, don't fuck with my mind right now! I need to _think_!"

"Alright!" He replied smoothly, removed his hand from me. "I'm just saying that she gets things a little confused sometimes. It may not be like you think." His eyes moved from stack to stack, taking in the vast amount of writing I had done. "It may not be anything like the, what…? The century you wrote about? What is it, Edward? Alice clammed up. Does she see us losing a family member? Is that it?"

"In a way… a new family member." I gave him a very abridged version of finding the love of my life and losing her. His mind showed me he understood. He would be a mental case without Alice, as well. He also understood how I felt tormented by the knowledge that I dragged her into our lives.

"Look, you know the way she works. She might be seeing something that happens 50 years from now. A lot can change. You can make things different, Edward. That's the beauty of Alice's misjudgement sometimes – you can get an alternate ending of your choice."

I looked at my brother carefully; the new respect I had for him from my scribbling of my sister's vision still fresh in my mind. He would understand. "If I had it to do all over – Jazz… What should I do? I've never imagined a love like this. Not for me. Never for me. My weakness is shown in these." I indicated my journals. "If only I could leave her alone, she'll live."

He wrapped an arm around my shoulder, his head bent low. "I can't answer that for you. All I know is that I would have done anything to make Alice mine."

I smirked at him, with a slight chuckle. "As if you had a choice. She saw you coming, Jazz. You didn't stand a chance."

He smiled, thinking back to the day they met. They'd been together every day since. "Okay, let's put it this way – I would have gladly given my human life for Alice, if those were the circumstances in which we met. My life with her… hell, with all of you… is a far cry better than the short human life I had. This is living, man. I would choose this over not having Alice."

Esme was waiting at the top of the stairs when Jasper and I left the room, anxious, to say the least.

"Jasper, honey – thank you! I knew you could talk him out. Edward! My goodness, you've had me so worried." Her tiny arms went around me. Though she was half my size, her hugs always engulfed me. They made me feel as though I was a baby in her loving arms. "I'm so glad you've come out of your room. You, my dear son, should not be a recluse. You have so much to offer the world. Don't ever lock yourself away."

I smiled down at her with sincere affection. I understood her better now, as well. She had been right about love. I wanted to tell her so, but it simply hurt too much now that… I gave my head a shake. I hadn't lost my love! I hadn't gotten her killed or taken her soul! I NEVER had her.

Then why did I feel so lost and empty?

"It's a perfect day for a run, honey. We've settled here before, remember? But it was before Jasper and Alice were with us. This is all new to them."

"Where are we exactly?" Now that I was coming to grips with the reality of my non-loss, I was hoping that a new location, or a re-visited one as the case was, would pull me back into reality for good.

"Forks!"

Jasper's words of advice stayed with me. Sometimes they seemed like a challenge, mostly they haunted me. Seeing the kind of love that I now knew I could feel meant too much to me. For the girl who could inspire such love, I would sacrifice my own eternal happiness.

It was a gloomy year for me, as I'm sure it was for my family as they endured my enhanced moodiness. It was worse than ever before, having glimpsed what my life could be like. It was also riddled with anxiety. I played the role of sullen loner here. Not a stretch. But it gave me more than ample time to sit and observe the students. At first, they seemed par for the course… dim-witted, self-centered bores. Same ol', same ol'. It wasn't merely that these kids were mirror images of the useless humans at any other school, I knew them. Not just their thoughts; I knew their names, their faces and their voices.

Jessica. She was torn between an attraction to me and her lifelong crush on Mike. Yes, Jessica and Mike. I had no designs on licking her anywhere this time around. Nor would I flatten him – unless he provoked me. Jasper was keeping me very sedate in public, but I could still go into a rage if pushed.

Angela – I had a soft spot for her. She had been so sweet with Grey/Bella, when she desperately needed a friend. This Angela seemed just as honourable. She was also one of the only students who didn't spend a fair portion of each day analyzing me and my family, cracking jokes at our expense or spreading mostly ridiculous gossip. Same ol', same ol', indeed.

There were others I recognized, though I hadn't gotten to know them. All in all, there were enough similarities to put me on edge anywhere in Forks. Thank god they didn't have a music shop.

Leaning on the side of my car at lunch on the first day of our second year at Forks High, I watched Emmett and Rosalie stop to share a passionate kiss before entering the cafeteria. Alice and Jasper followed behind; my sister chatting along merrily, full of energy. I snickered at Jasper's stiff appearance in comparison to breezy Alice. Having just spent two months only in the company of other vampires, he was out of practice appearing human. A little comic relief couldn't hurt though.

I envied them; all four. So it was with reluctance that I followed along after them, taking my place at the Cullen table, again. Yet another place where we could pretend to eat without worrying about others in close proximity. No one dared come near us, let alone sit with us.

Fine by me.

I stretched my legs out as I leaned back in my chair, hands folded behind my head.

'_That girl who's in love with her own boobs is staring at you!'_

"Alice," I replied in a voice so low it was undetectable to any human. "You have such a splendid way of expressing yourself."

'_She talking about the chick that thinks every dick in the room is pointed at her?'_

I held in my snicker. "Rose, I'm certain that there are three that aren't pointed at her. Otherwise, she's pretty accurate. Oh, but the few, aside from us who aren't currently dreaming of pounding it into her – well, they're thinking of you."

She smiled at me as she hugged Emmett's arm and cuddled into him. _'Thanks, Edward.'_

"There's that new girl everyone's talking about," Emmett nodded, ever so slightly towards a table at the far end. _'Cute! She looks shy. Bet she's a firecracker in the sack!'_

I snickered and started to turn slightly to see who the fuss was about. My head was filled with ramblings about _'the new girl'_.

'_The sexy brunette.'_

'_The police chief's daughter.'_

'_Seems nice…quiet though.'_ At least she wasn't getting bad reviews.

'_Isabella.'_

My head snapped around. Bella. Here; in Forks. Her eyes flashed away, looking down at her lunch when they met mine. She had been staring at me. Why? She couldn't possibly know I loved her more than anyone or anything in this world! She didn't even know me.

It's not her, I told myself. She simply looks like Grey/Bella. Alice is confused, just like Jasper suggested; she saw this girl and put her into the visions I took from her. It's. Not. Her.

I left the cafeteria hastily to get to my class and avoid the new girl. The girl who shared the same name as the girl I adored. And the same face. And body. Hair…

I sat in deep, silent thought waiting for class to begin. But there she was – at the doorway, entering _this_ classroom! It's NOT her! I closed my eyes, resisting temptation to stare at her. God, how I'd seen that face every day in my mind for years – and yet not, apparently. The madness I wrote of in my journals over those first days in forks had surely taken full hold of me now. I didn't know what to believe at this point.

Without my vision, my sense of smell was enhanced and as she took another step in I was immersed in her. Bella! Her scent was stronger, even more alluring than the one I had dreamed of. The urge to taste her and prove to myself that this _WAS_ my Bella - my soul mate, my true love - engulfed me and I ceased breathing as she took the only empty place in the classroom. Next to me. Blocking all senses as I dreamed of the ways in which I wanted to taste her, the class seemed endless. I bolted the moment it ended.

I confronted Alice later in the day. She confirmed my thoughts – this was the girl she saw with me. The girl I would love for eternity. I spent several tortured days locked in my room until Esme pleaded with me to put an end to it. It was hurting her. _I_ was hurting her. Esme deserved better and so, for her, I emerged.

"Edward, I know… Alice told me…"

I rolled my eyes and sulked. Alice had one big fucking mouth.

"Honey, listen to me – we can make it work. Somehow. All of us, together. We'll make the changes we need to in order for you to have the joy you experienced, without the loss. Edward, you've been alone long enough honey. You've paid the price for the lives you've taken. No one would deny that you deserve to be happy yourself, for once. You're a good person. And you have so much love to give this girl."

Esme's words sunk in when I read the last journal entry for the thousandth time. Esme was right about love in my dream. Esme knew love; _understood_ love – more than anyone. As I advised Bella in my dream to trust Jasper, I would trust Esme. I would let myself love this girl, who surely was my Bella. But I would begin anew, letting her make all the choices from the start.

"Hello," I greeted her in class when I returned to school. "I'm Edward Cullen. Bella, right?"

Her smile brought that old familiar lump to my throat. It wasn't an excess venom blockage – it was emotion. All of it flooded back to me as we slowly got to know each other. Sure, some of the details of Alice's vision were off – she lived with her dad, there was no brother and she may be lonely but certainly not depressed. This was Bella, nothing like Grey. Just my Bella.

Those journals are locked away, just like my thwarted venture into love for the first time. I didn't dwell on the details, rather kept them deeply stowed for future reference to avoid making the same mistakes. That love, though pure and so very real to me, was a dream. As I moved on to love _this_ Bella, in reality, my chronicled love would be forever Grey.

_No more sorrow  
I've paid for your mistakes  
Your time is borrowed  
Your time has come to be replaced…_

_(Linkin Park)_


End file.
